Lydia 2013
My least favourite place in the world was doctors’ offices, right next to hospitals. Nothing good ever happened here, especially not when they were threatening to get my mom involved.
“Are you her guardian then?” the balding doctor asked exasperatedly. “Someone needs to tell me who she’s staying with.”
Michelin huffed and crossed her knees. She was getting agitated at the doctor, and I didn’t blame her. “She was staying with me; I was her foster parent and legal guardian—”
“But she isn’t anymore?” the man pressed; his eyes narrowed as he assessed the woman.
“No, she’s staying with her biological mother now, but we haven’t finished with the paperwork.”
Cancelling of the guardianship was supposed to take place tomorrow, but once my caseworker was advised of this little visit, she would likely insist on keeping me with the Montgomery’s. This is worse than the juvie incident. I huffed and sunk lower in my chair, forcing my balled-up fists into my pockets in annoyance. I just wanted to go home; I didn’t care who’s at this point either.
“Alright,” the doctor continued with a tone that told me he really didn’t give a shit anymore. “She needs to be monitored closely for the next couple of days, tomorrow she has an appointment to speak with the dietician and there will be mandatory therapy sessions with the out-patient unit.”
More fucking therapy. I didn’t want to do group therapy again, that was the worst of the worst. And if they sent me back to Dr. Byers, I’d just flat out refuse; I didn’t need mom hitting on him again, especially not in front of me.
The doctor continued talking at me, Michelin nodded along and jotted several notes on her phone. I stopped listening since it wasn’t something I hadn’t already heard. We sat there for another few minutes, I nodded when I needed to but mostly just stared at the white linoleum floor. He handed her a paper that had a new Prozac prescription and eventually, Michelin patted my hand and stood up. She filled out my discharge paper work and I followed behind her wearily, already knowing another lecture waited for me in the car.
I squinted as we trudged across the scorching parking lot, I was sweltering in my hoodie and sweatpants, but it was all I had. We approached the sleek, silver Lexus in the lot and Michelin beeped the key fob before climbing into the driver’s seat. I hesitated to reach for the handle, knowing that she was bringing me back to the trailer park and still unsure if I wanted to go. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her touching up her sharp, chin-length bob, and straightening out her plum suit jacket. She had probably come here from work, I felt bad that she had to drop everything for me.
“You promised you would talk to me, Lydia,” she said quietly.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the window as she started the car. “They overreacted, I just fainted because of the heat.”
“Yes,” she replied bitterly. “Fainting from the heat is why they kept you here for seventy-two hours, and why they want you to return to therapy.”
I stayed quiet. There was nothing else for me to say, I was backed into a corner where I knew that everyone else knew now. I thought I was playing the game smart, I didn’t realize how close I was to getting caught.
“I don’t know how they expect me to tell Danielle,” she continued after a minute. “Are you going to be okay when I take you home? Are you going to be safe?”
“Yes,” I answered. “You don’t have to worry about me, Allie’s still sticking around for a few days.”
“Of course, I worry about you!” she cried. “Dia, this isn’t easy for me to leave you here, I’m scared to get a call in another few weeks that you’ll be back in the psych-ward being force-fed with a tube.”
She knew how to cut to the quick. I went to say something and suddenly realized that she was tearing up and frantically blotting under her eyes.
“Michelin, please don’t cry,” I begged, my voice cracking. “I’m going to be fine; I promise I’ll get better, that I’m gettingbetter.”
She sniffed and reached for my hand, I took it and squeezed reassuringly. My skin was a sort of sallow colour from being under-fed and not being out in the sun as much, and that made the darkness of her skin seem even deeper than usual. Our differences were obvious, and every time she called me her daughter someone would make a joke about. I didn’t like those, especially the one some asshole said about how it was supposed to be the other way around – a white couple adopting a black child. But I didn’t care, she was as much my mom as Danielle was, if not more.
We stayed holding hands for the entire drive up to the trailer park, Green Valley. Her grip tightened with every trailer and mobile home that we passed, almost becoming a death grip by the time the blue grounded trailer came into view. The property was overgrown, foot high grass and weeds grew where it wasn’t just barren dirt, the house was dirty and tinted grey, and the porch was starting to lean to one side. There was a rickety chain fence on the far side, sectioning off the gravel from the driveway. Michelin pulled into the open spot slowly, her lips pursed, and her brows knitted together as she assessed the property.
“I hate knowing that I have to leave you here,” she said softly.
“It’s not that bad,” I said with a shrug. “It’s not as fancy as what you guys have, but it’s gotten us through.”
“Trailer parks are fine,” she replied with a huff. “But this is falling apart, that’s not alright.”
I shrugged again and reached for my belt before stepping out of the car. The front screen door flew open and slammed against the siding, I jumped at the sound but grinned when I saw Allie come bounding down the steps.
“You’re alive!” she cried, pulling me in for a hug.
“Alison,” her mother snapped. “Have some manners.”
I laughed and hugged the other girl, burying my face in her shoulder. “I’m alive,” I agreed.
“I didn’t know they were both staying.”
I looked up to see Danielle standing in the doorway with her arms crossed. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun and her shorts hung low on her hips. She glowered at Michelin who just stood beside me impassively.
“That’s what we talked about, Danielle,” she said tiredly. “You said she and Dia could share a bed. It’s only for a week.”
“A fucking week, Christ,” Danielle muttered, holding her hand in front of her face as she lit a smoke.
“Alison—”
“Mom,” she interrupted. “You promised, I’m staying.”
The woman sighed and gestured to the door. “Girls, can you give us some privacy while Danielle and I talk?”
I nodded and pulled Allie along with me inside to my bedroom, weaving us around the ancient furniture and artfully avoiding the spots in the floor that creaked the loudest. My room was exactly how I left it; emo band posters decorated the walls, mostly covering up the yellowing purple floral wallpaper, my pink bedspread was still stained and worn, and the little fairy lights still hung over the black sheer curtain.
Allie quickly perched on my bed near the foot and I took the other side, pressing myself up against the headboard.
“Well?” she asked, leaning forward. “What was it like?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “It was kind of a blur. There were a lot of scary people, guys that they like pumped full of drugs every day. Some of them were just really sad to be around.”
“What about you?” she pressed. “What happened?”
“They told me I was fucking up my teeth and tried to scare me with a bunch of pictures of rotten mouths,” I answered, cringing at the memory. “They told me if I keep puking then I’ll lose all my teeth by the time I’m twenty-five. They also made me sit in the day room for a few hours after every meal.”
Allie gagged. “That’s gross, yuck.”
I laughed and unzipped my sweater suddenly feeling way too hot in the confined room. Her eyes followed my hand her and widened slightly. I glanced down at myself, but I already knew what she was looking at; I was boney, rail thin and my camisole hid nothing. It always went like this. I was either a size fourteen or a double zero, never anything in between, and once I reached fourteen my habit would start again.
“Dia, you look like you’re going to drop dead,” she whispered. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice…”
I nodded and felt my face getting hot. Nobody noticed because I worked to make sure they didn’t notice, and if I hadn’t had a fainting spell at school then I wouldn’t have had to go the hospital. I chewed my nail absently while watching out through the window as Danielle and Michelin argued back and forth in front of the car.
“Whatever, it is what it is, at least I got out of having to finish summer classes,” I said, dismissing her concern outright. “Danielle isn’t going to stay here tonight, so what are we going to do?”
Allie narrowed her eyes. “She isn’t staying here? You know my mom won’t let me stay—”
I snorted and glanced at her with a growing smirk. “You think she’s going to tell your mom and risk me going back into your parents’ custody? Not happening.”
Understanding dawned on Allie’s face and slow smile began to form as she leaned in to whisper, “If we can get into the city I know where there’s going to be a party.”
“Don’t you know someone with a car?” I pressed. “Come on, you have to know someone cool.”
“Well…” she trailed off, nervously glancing out the window to see how close our moms were. “Okay, so it’s a frat party—”
“What!” I interrupted.
“Shh!” she hissed. “Look, this girl I know invited me, but we can’t go if you’re gonna act like that. We can pretend to be freshmen or something, but you have got to play it cool when they come to pick us up.”
I went to reply but the front door banged again, and the floors creaked loudly just before Danielle threw my door open. Michelin stood just behind her looking even more tired than she had before.
“Dia, I’m heading out,” she said defeatedly. “I gave your mom the prescription and we can catch up when I come to get Alison.” She glanced at Danielle and back at me.
When she said “catch up” she meant that she would want to know if Danielle was actually being a parent. I nodded along and went to grab the rest of my bags from her trunk. Allie helped me get them into the house and we both hugged Michelin goodbye. I watched the Lexus disappear down the road and wished I could chase after her and beg her to stay in Monterey.
“You can still come with us,” Allie said, slipping her hand into mine as we watched together. “Just say the word and mom and dad will bring you to New York.”
With a heavy sigh I wrapped my arm around her waist and led us back into the house. Danielle was relaxing on the couch and playing on her phone with her feet propped up on the coffee table.
“I’m going out,” she said without looking up. “You two need to stay out of trouble while I’m gone.” She paused and craned her neck to see me. “Oh, I got rid of the scale in the bathroom and food scale in the kitchen.”
I blushed again but didn’t know what to say. She pushed herself up and I watched helplessly as she went to the bedroom to get changed.
“So, I can still stay in Lydia’s room?” Allie asked hopefully.
“Yeah, just keep out of my shit and stay out of trouble.” Danielle stood up and motioned for me to follow her to the porch. “Let’s go, we need to talk.”
I cast a please-don’t-let-me-die look at Allie and followed the other woman back out onto the porch. She grabbed her half-smoked cigarette from the ashtray and lit it back up as she paced back and forth. Glancing down, I noticed her toe rings and freshly done pedicure. She was dating someone new, she never did stuff like that otherwise.
“How long is this going to last?” she demanded after a minute of silence. “Seriously, do you think Will would want to hear about this?”
“Don’t do that,” I snapped, wrapping my arms around myself. “Don’t use dad against me, it’s not fair—”
“Life isn’t fucking fair, Lydia,” Danielle interrupted. “How do you think it makes me feel to know that you didn’t even call? You’d rather call these people that aren’t even family—”
“Allie and Michelin are my family!” I glared at her, feeling the anger coursing through me. “And yeah, I’d rather have them show up than you, that’s nothing new.”
She snuffed the cigarette and threw up her hands. “What the fuck ever, I’m going out, stay out of trouble.”
“That’s it?” I demanded, standing in front of the door and blocking her from going in. “That’s all you have to say?”
“You’re going to do what you’re going to do,” she said flatly, staring back at me with her cold unfeeling gaze. “I can’t make you talk to me, I can’t even make you stay here. Just try not to hurt yourself.”
You couldn’t even make dad stay here. I didn’t say it out loud, but I wished I could. Maybe things would be better if he was still alive, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so helpless. I moved out of her way and waited a few minutes before going back to my room to get ready with Allie. I watched out the window as a beat up old sports car pulled into the laneway and Danielle went running to it excitedly.
“Okay,” Allie said excitedly, drawing my attention away from my mom. “So, I was thinking this top and these shorts.” She tossed the outfit at me and I frowned.
“I’m wearing sweats because nothing else fits,” I said quietly. “Everything I own is too big right now.” I couldn’t tell Allie that I had actually burned a lot of my clothing out of anger for gaining weight.
“Those are mine,” she pointed out with a smile. “You’ll fit them just fine, and you’ll look good.”
I had to love her for her optimism, but I don’t think she really understood that recovering from an eating disorder didn’t include weird compliments about me now being able to fit into her stuff. I didn’t want to ruin the night though, I just got dressed and eyed myself in the floor-length mirror.
“You look hot,” she said with wide eyes and an even broader smile. “Maybe you’ll meet someone tonight.”
I flushed and looked away from my reflection. “Yeah, maybe…” I did look good now, with my boney hips covered but my flat stomach half-exposed and rib cage covered as well – I felt good. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to focus on the words of the therapist again. I might have thought I looked good but I had to remember the cost of what got me here, and how I could reach a similar result with a safer goal.
‘
“Maybe you’ll finally lose your v-card,” she continued, adjusting her halter top. “Ohmigod this could be great.”
I turned back to her and forced myself to smile. She had her braids pulled up in a messy knot on top of her head, a few loose ones hung down her back, her leggings were high waisted and tight enough to be a second skin, combined with her purple halter she looked like a model.
“You look amazing,” I whispered, feeling envious as I gazed at her effortless figure.
She laughed and grabbed my hand, tugging me towards the door. I knew Danielle would have people watching for us so we had to stick to the wooded area as we followed the gravel road down to quiet the highway. I couldn’t stop giggling as we ducked around bushed and around parked cars, and once we passed a crotchety old man’s house where his dog would stop barking, I was full laughing and we were sprinting the rest of the way.
“Is that them?” I asked, pointing to the green sedan pulled over a little ways down the road.
“Yeah,” she said, nodding. “Play it cool, remember that we’re freshmen.”
“Freshmen where?”
“I don’t know, California State? It doesn’t matter, in like an hour they’ll be too drunk to care.”
College guys. Yum. I eagerly trailed along beside her to the car. I couldn’t believe she would be gone in a week and I would be alone with Danielle again, I needed to make the most of my time with Allie. Even if that meant we weren’t really listening to what Michelin told us.