“Hey, Mom. I won’t be home tonight, and Arianna, of course. She’s with me,” I say on the phone, with Brandon watching me while standing by his bedroom window.
“Even without your sister, I know you’d be there,” she points, then puffs a sharp breath. “Darling, I know you like that man, but I’d like you to be extra careful.”
I look up at Brandon’s dead serious expression. “I understand where you’re coming from, but I’m okay. More than okay. Can you trust me?”
“I trust you, of course. I’m just being cautious,” she mumbles.
“Mom, he’s not the guy who you should be concerned about,” Jason speaks from the other line. “You should be more concerned about me.” He chuckles pleasantly. “But seriously, give them a chance. Laynie knows more of what she’s doing than the rest of us. Plus, Brandon Lucien is super-rich.”
“Jason! You know I don’t care about any of those as long as she is happy!” Mom scolds.
“I amI see a little gleam in Brandon’s eyes.
“I know you are.” Mom sighs hard again. “But I’m still worried. You can’t take that away from me as your mother.”
“And I’m thankful for that, really.” I smile. “Love you.”
“Oh, I love you too, darling.”
“Mm. Bye.” I end the call.
“Your mother is worried?” Brandon questions, uncrossing his arms and moving toward me.
I slump on the soft cushion of his bed, sighing as I feel the comfort. “Always.”
“She still doesn’t like me,” he says as he perches next to me.
“After she found out you were engaged to another woman, you left with her the next day. So I guess Mom had every right to worry,” I say, only remembering what Arianna told me the other day about his first love. “Why didn’t you tell me you’re still meeting with her?”
“We run in the same circle, Alayna. She took over the operations of her father’s company. I work with them, so naturally, it’s impossible to avoid her.”
I smirk, shaking my head. “You sound so defensive. I didn’t ask you to avoid her.”
“And you’re overthinking again. She has an engagement ring on her finger.”
“Which means she isn’t married yet. She’s totally still into you. Why can’t you see that?”
He snuffles with frustration. “I can’t believe we’re doing this again. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you. If you don’t trust me, why does it matter anyway?”
“Like you don’t trust me either.” I nod in the perception that there are still unresolved matters in our relationship.
“You admitted it to me from your own mouth,” he points out. “You still care for this fucker, and you obviously still have disconcerted feelings for him.”
“And you do too with Pauline. At least, I am being truthful!” I fire back.
“Oh God.” He rubs his face hard. “What is it you want to hear? Do you need me to lie just so you can believe me?” He springs up again and blows out a sharp breath. “It is you “Then you should believe me when I told you I didn’t want to have anything to do with Drake.”
“Why do you think I’m still here?” He meets my gaze again, and I’m not able to answer. Of course, he could just abandon me again, live the life that is stolen from him, but he’s here. He came back.
“How can I know where I stand in all this, Alayna?” Brandon goes on. “Did you think I’m so accepting that I wouldn’t worry? My girlfriend is being pursued by her ex-boyfriend. What am I supposed to do? Just sit and watch? What the fuck does he really want from you?”
“I’m going to tell you as I promised.” I tense up, trying to relax my body.
“I’m wondering why you still haven’t,” he says gruffly, then walks to the windows again, looking at the clear sky.
“He knows who killed my dad,” I reveal with my almost flailing voice.
He swings his head back in my direction, frowning hard. “What?”
“I’m not sure it’s true, but Jason seems to believe him.”
He nods. “Drake is the original Wolf, I know. There’s more connection to them than I expected.”
“You already know.”
“I have to know, Alayna. He technically runs this city, which made this place his personal sanctuary. That is why I am worried.”
“I know.” I press my lips into a thin line.
“So you want to find out if he’s telling the truth?”
“Yes. I’d like to get justice for my dad’s death. We never had that. We mourned for him with all this pain that we didn’t get to find who murdered him. This could be the only chance we get.”
“So you’re giving it a consideration that this fucker could probably help you.”
I nod. “Yes.”
“Who was it then? Did he tell you?” Brandon inquires.
“Senator Donovan Mallory.” I laugh derisively, and my chest turns tight again—it feels like shrinking. “His dad.”
His jaw ripples, and his handsome features become even more defined. “You’ll be hitting a hard wall.”
“I know, and that makes it so difficult.”
“They’ll be hitting a hard one too.” Brandon’s shoulders relax, and his body faces me. He cocks his head. “Say, Alayna. Would you let me meet with the mayor?”
“What?”
“Let me meet him.”
“No.” Goosebumps crawl all over my skin in panic. “You can’t. I don’t want you to meet with Drake Mallory. He’s dangerous. He’s inconsistent. You don’t know who he is.”
“Then I’d like to know more about him. I guess I know someone who does.” He slips his hand in his pocket.
“Brandon, will you listen to me?” I plead. “You don’t know what he can do. Jason will tell you this too, for sure!” I know he’s talking about my brother, and I don’t want to involve Jason in my issues again.
“They don’t know what I can do either,” he asserts firmly.
I accept entirely what kind of man my boyfriend is. He can own the world if he wants to, and he will do everything to protect what’s important to him, but I can’t let him go over something dangerous again because of me. He’s just got out of his own misery. He deserves a peace of mind—not another problem.
“Please, please.” I stand, walk over to him, and then hold on to his arms. “I can’t lose you again. If what he told me about my dad was true, they will hurt you too.”
“You will not lose me,” he says softly. “But what if it is true, Alayna? We’ll have to do something about it.”
“I can’t involve you here. You’ve been through a lot.”
“Don’t worry about me.” His face hardens, and he stares into my eyes for another moment, then speaks again, “Is this what you’re concerned about?”
“Huh?”“That he still holds a part of you,” he whispers. “You said.”
I gape at him, and the pounding in my chest speeds up. “No.” I take my hands off him. “It’s not that.” I look down. I can’t look at his face anymore. “There are things about me you don’t know.” I find the nearest chair to sit on, as I am losing my strength again.
“Please don’t avoid this again,” he murmurs.
“I won’t.”
I feel Brandon’s presence get close, and he sits on the sofa across from me. It’s just like every time we speak of something serious. “I’m listening.”
“Drake… He was my, um, first love,” I begin.
“I’m aware,” Brandon whispers roughly.
“Well, he was very different from when I first met him. He was pure, very kind, and optimistic. A man full of dreams. He was in my class, I saw him every day, I watched him eat, watched how he spoke in front of the class, and he’s smart. So basically, everyone liked him.
“Of course, including me. It was easy to fall for him. I was crazy about him, and since he was also close to Jason, I had enough time to be with him. He’d walk me every day after school, but he didn’t talk much about his life until I saw it with my own eyes. The turning point. His father was physically abusing him. That was when I knew I always wanted to be there with him. I confessed my feelings, and he felt the same about me.”
Honestly, those are the moments I still cherish in my memory. It was the way Drake was before he lost his mind. It was already imprinted on me, as well as the agony he caused me.
“So he was good to you until he wasn’t,” Brandon stated.
“Exactly.” I bite my bottom lip hard.
“What happened then?”
I swallow dryly. “We were happy, at least in the earlier months of our relationship, until he became very jealous. He was jealous of every man who would speak to me—including Jason. I couldn’t believe him. But he’s still as loving, and sweet, and thoughtful as he was, so I accepted the attitude. Maybe it was the way he was. Also, I couldn’t be someone who would leave him alone because he had a very sad household.
“His dad was hurting him. His mom died from a drug overdose because she wanted to be free of Donovan Mallory, who made her a punching bag. Her mom ended her own life, and I didn’t want it to happen to him, so I made a promise to never leave him. Because I thought I was the only one who could save him from his sadness, but Drake’s jealousy and possessiveness got worse.”
“His traumatic childhood might be the cause,” Brandon states.
“Yes, I was aware of that, so that’s why I still stayed. I was naïve, young, barely an adult, and everything I knew of the world was narrow, so everything I knew revolved only around him. I wished I could be the one to save him—as though I knew the meaning of those words. One day, I went to this birthday party. I told him it was an all-girls celebration, so he couldn’t come with me. Even so, he rushed there and saw me speaking to a boy—he was the celebrant’s brother. But for god’s sake, he was only twelve. He dragged me out of the house and brought me to his house. He practically lived alone because his dad was with his mistress all the time.”
“And let me guess. Suddenly, he was violent?” Brandon queries.
“Yes, he turned out to be like his dad.”
“He hurt you too.”
“Yes.”
“And you let him?”
“Mm.”
“Oh, come on!” Brandon shuts his eyes, then wipes his face down with his palms. “Because you thought you could save him?”
“I was stupid, Brandon.”
“It was masochism!”
My heart sinks. “Call it like that, but yes, I know. Only I realized that too late.”
“Didn’t you think of telling anyone? Not even Jason?”
“It’s too sensitive! I was ashamed. I’m sure you agree with me now.”
“You could have left him, Alayna. You were a free woman, but you only fed his ego.”
“He, um, he groomed me—made me the way I was.” Or the way I still am“What’s that supposed to mean?” his voice raises.
“I didn’t know how he did that.” I shake my head, and a stream of tears rush down my cheeks. “I still don’t, but he messed up with my mind. After that birthday party, he forced me.”
“God. I don’t want to hear this,” Brandon hisses.
“I was a virgin. I was sixteen,” I go on regardless. “My body was frozen, but I wanted to prove to him I wasn’t cheating, and his jealousy was baseless. I was dying inside. It hurts too much, and I didn’t want it, but it happened.” I gulp my throat dry, and my whole body is shaking. “He forced me. He got what he wanted, but was it still an offense when I let him do it to me over and over and over?”
“That doesn’t change the fact that he forced you even if you gave him your consent! You were a minor! That’s already illegal,” Brandon shouts furiously.
“I didn’t think of that!” I reason. “I was foolish, Brandon, that’s given! But he was inside my head.”
He scowls. “He blackmailed you?”
“No. There was nothing to bargain with. He didn’t want me to leave, and I didn’t think of leaving, anyway. He might’ve hurt me, but there were things about us that I liked. If I was good, he’d take care of me better. He’d make me feel loved, and it felt good, yes. I was in love. He was broken too, and I still—”
“He was the one who broke you!” Brandon approaches me, then bends on his knee in front of me. “He abused you.” He brushes his thumb on my cheek, and his eyes look at me softly. “Baby, that isn’t justifiable.”
My lips tremble. “I justified everything he did.”
“He’s insane, and you were just blinded. What did he do?” He cups my face. “Tell me. What do you mean?”
I blink my eyes so my tears won’t block my eyes. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear that.”
“I need details.” He wipes my tears with his thumb. “I have to know.”
“He wasn’t all bad. I thought that was his true nature until his dad fucked-up and made him the way he is. Drake had two personalities, and that made me want to hang on to him. To save him.” I cough hard because my throat can’t handle the dehydration anymore.
“I’ll get you water,” Brandon offers.
“Thank you.”
Brandon stands up and disappears to the door, and quickly, he’s back with a tray in his hands. A pitcher of water and two glasses, and also a bottle of whiskey for him. He pours water for me and a glass of liquor for himself.
I gobble up the water straight and take it back to him.
“Feeling better?” he asks, and I nod.
“Thanks.”
Brandon places the tray on the center table and perches back on his chair. “Continue.”
“Drake seemed to have different personalities. It’s not like he was becoming another person. He’s still Drake. He just couldn’t stop himself from being violent, from being overly possessive and abusive. But he felt remorse when he was back with his rational self. I knew already that there was something wrong with his mentality.
“His dark side—he trained me into something that I wasn’t. He made me believe he was the only one who knew me better than I knew myself. He liked to role-play, and if I disobeyed him, he’d punish me. But it wasn’t a bad punishment. He made me feel so good that I thought it was all I needed. It turned out that I liked what he was doing to me.” I cringe at the memory.
“Because you’ve already given your consent. You invited it in, and it became you.” Brandon grits his teeth, then he drinks his alcohol in one shot.
“Yes, and whenever he was getting too far—actually hurting me—his dark side would shut off, and his rational side would beg my forgiveness, and that he didn’t deserve to live. He was like a child crying to me, and he could get really depressed. There were times he told me he would just end his life like his mother, but I couldn’t let him do that, so I stayed. I wanted him to realize how precious his life was to me, at least.
“Our odd relationship went on because I loved him despite everything. My body ended up longing for it. I was enjoying everything. I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. I was lost, but I didn’t care. He groomed me to find pleasure in pain, and yielding to him was the only way he’d make me feel better. I was disturbed.”
Brandon put his glass down with a heavy thud. He then clenches his fist. Suddenly, he becomes too quiet, and I can’t read his eyes. His expression turns blank again.
I’ve officially turned him off. That is what I fear, letting anyone know about my past.
“Brandon, please say something,” I implore.
“What about now?” he says.
“What about what?”
“What about him still has a hold on you? You haven’t answered that question yet.” He pours another shot on the glass and drinks everything again.
I let a beat pass.
“It didn’t change,” I sob as I confess.
He nods, finally understanding. He seethes under his breath. “You still feel it,” he whispers gruffly. “That thing he made you feel. It came back when you saw him again.”
“Yes…” I whimper. There’s nothing more but guilt, regret, and shame in my heart right now. “And I don’t want to. Please, believe me. I don’t want to. I hate that it’s still here,” I cry.
“Ah! Fuck!” Brandon bellows, throwing his glass against the wall that makes me jump. He then laughs without mirth but shortly, his expression turns serious. “Leave.”
“What? Brandon, I told you—”
“I want you to leave for now, please.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and bury my face in my palm. This is why I didn’t want to tell him. He won’t look at me the same way anymore. “Please, don’t do this.”
“I need to think,” he whispers. “Please, Alayna.”
“You don’t want me anymore.”
“It’s not like that!” he snaps. “Please, just—” he presses his mouth, “—give me this one time.”
I hold my breath, hurl a deep exhale, and then get on my feet. “If that’s what you want.” I rush out of his room without looking back.