“What was that?” I pull Dane aside with a hushed hiss when he comes inside to help dump the plates in the kitchen behind me, turning on him with bubbling anger. Finally able to get him alone and have this out with him after sitting mortified.
We just spent the last half hour working in weird, strained silence taking down notes from websites after Tyler joked about porn, and it’s been simmering and ruining my calm. I don’t know why such a dumb thing has me so mad, but it does, and I feel like he should have said something other than brushing it off earlier. All he did was change the subject while it hung over me like this deafening arrow pointing at us, making me uncomfortable sitting with him. It was icky, and I couldn’t stop looking at him and thinking about why he would watch that smut.
“What was what?” Dane slides past me, yawning and so beat he looks ready to fall over. Seemingly not tense and mulling over anything like I was. He seems oblivious, and it somehow triggers more rage in me.
He eyes me up as I stand glaring, hands on hips, and then raise my palms in a ‘how can you not know?’ gesture.
Clueless as to why I’m mad at him. He frowns, dismisses me with a sigh, and moves off toward the refrigerator.
“You mean Tyler’s joke… You think I have a fantasy about bending you over and….”
“Don’t even say it.” I raise my palms to silence him, acting like a ninety-year-old religious prude. I’m abhorred even with the thought that he would go there and watch something that could be him, and ughhhh…
Does he really watch porn where step-siblings get it on? What the frick?... Why would he? Does he think that’s okay?
Our parents are married!!!
“Chill…. Tyler was being an ass because I outed him. Forget it, Kales. I know the boundary…. I’m not gonna creep into your room and climb in your bed.” Dane is so not bothered by this.
I pause and stare at him with a look of ‘really??,’ seeing as he did almost exactly that last night. Okay, so that was not even remotely close to what he’s saying, but still.
I don’t know why my head is in chaos over this, given he isn’t even the one who said it, but his refusal to deny it has me all kinds of weirded out. It’s not like Dane has ever made me feel I couldn’t trust him that way. For all his gross jokes, I know they are never serious.
“You know what I mean.” He catches my eyes on him still as I am rooted to the spot, unable to let this go, and shakes his head with a heavy exhale before rummaging in the refrigerator for more water. He still hasn’t eaten anything today and hasn’t recovered, and it seems like this is the last conversation he wants to have.
I avert my eyes as he bends over, giving me a full pert ass view, barefoot in shorts and his t-shirt and looking all kinds of muscular today, and chastise myself for even noticing, instead staring off to the left. Blushing that I almost checked him out while standing, accusing him of perverted thoughts about us.
What have they done to my mind?
“I don’t like Tyler saying things like that.” I deflect, feeling insanely guilty and trying hard to keep my voice steady. “It’s gross.” So is having your stepbrother’s ass a point of interest when he’s merely getting water. I dare not delve into that reaction.
“I get it, Kayla… I’ll tell him not to do it again. Get off my back…. it was a joke, and you’re being sensitive.” He sounds disinterested in my tantrum.
“Why wouldn’t I be? It’s not the kind of thing he should say. We’re…” I swallow hard, my words flailing away as I realize I am taking this too far and being over the top. I sound like a nagging shrew or some constipated wife having a go at her husband over something dumb. My heart is pounding and my palms sweaty, and I am becoming increasingly aware of how much I am having trouble controlling my emotions and breathing.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Even I know I am overreacting.
“We’re what?” He comes back at me, right in my face, with a seriously strained tone, and eyes me up as though this is beyond his comprehension. He takes a casual glug of his water while still pinning me with his gaze before he screws up his face with a subtle movement and lowers his brows. His uncaring, causal self is making me worse in this scenario, even though this is who he always is.
“You know… step-siblings,” I state in an accusatory manner. Antsy with how he’s loitering around, dressed that way, and I only just noticed his shorts are pretty transparent in this light. Sure, I just saw an outline of something I should never see.
I lose my courage and shift away from him to get space. My insides crumble, and my body overheats all over in a nanosecond. My cheeks are burning, and I am sure he can see me blushing.
“That’s a very big no….. our parents would go crazy, not to mention the moral….”
My brain loses its thought process as my eyes are distracted by something I only noticed now we're not in the shade outside. Dane is walking around in a body-hugging sleeveless shirt with nipples visible with how it’s molded…. and ass…. his shorts are semi-see-through, and I am very aware he's buff…. and attractive. That’s never been a topic for debate.
But he’s Dane. I can’t believe it caused me to stop talking.
This has become a speech aimed at me; I don’t know how that happened. It threw me when Tyler said it, and I obsessed mentally while they all talked about the essay. Now, I'm dissolving into a pool of self-inflicted mess with how this is going.
It’s a big, pointed finger aimed right back at my own forehead, and that’s why I’m being this irrational about it.
Oh my god, Kayla, stop thinking.
The word ‘porn’ did this. I’m such a virgin.
I’m like a child whenever this kind of stuff comes up, and this is totally what that is. I freaked out because, as he always points out… I’m as pure as the driven snow and crumble when sex is the topic. Especially sex between him and me. And all it’s done is make me hyperaware of his very good body and …..
Oh my god. Please stop.
“Jesus Christ, Kayla…. nothing is happening, and we’re not even contemplating it. Calm down….. no one is asking you to hook up with me. It hasn’t crossed my mind.” He shrugs it off, seeming irritated and maybe a little angry at me, but I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Or why him saying he has never even thought about it causes sharp pain in my stomach like he just prodded me with a pointy thing? From the second Tyler said it, I have had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that I cannot dislodge.
“Good… keep it that way.” I try to sound like my usual sassy self, but it’s disgenuine.
Why?
Because it is, and I am mentally having a midlife crisis, all I can see is his nipples whenever he turns my way. It’s not like I hadn’t seen him topless in the pool when we were younger, just not so much lately. And like it or not, with Dane getting closer to adulthood his body is sure fast in making that a reality. He’s no longer some slim teen boy but a hulk of good genes and a love of staying fit.
I have to take a deep breath and tell myself it is normal to appreciate a good-looking person with a good physique, which means nothing. I am only grossed out by the fact Tyler planted a seed that Dane has weird fantasies about getting me in bed. That’s where this is coming from. It’s not the first time I thought Dane was attractive. I am overthinking and making myself insane with it.
You can totally think your step-sibling is attractive and yet still be innocent and platonic about it, right?
“What? What does that mean? Do you think I’m some magician who might bewitch you and jump your bones when you least expect it… pretty sure hooking up with someone is a two-way thing. How about…. Kayla, as long as you don’t try getting into my bed, we’ll be cool, okay?”
He is mad.