Positively positive
Kara sat in the doctor’s office beside James, a clipboard in her hands full of medical questions she had to fill out before she could see the new doctor. This clinic was different than the first one she’d been to in order to help with the withdrawals. Not busy or overrun with sick kids or elderly people, its privacy held it to a higher standard and she was pretty sure that meant money.
She stared at the last question on the sheet.
Bloodline.
“Kara Heart?”
She jumped to life, getting to her feet quickly. The receptionist gave her a funny look and so did James for that matter.
“I’ll wait here,” he said, adjusting the magazine he had in his hand.
She wished he had wanted to come with her, she could have used his opinion during the appointment. “Okay.” Kara took one last look at him before following the receptionist down an open hall to a room in the back.
She took the clipboard from her and opened the door to reveal a brightly lit office full of natural sunlight that held onto a faint smell of bleach and air freshers.
“You can take a seat, it might be about a five minute wait.” She closed the door and left Kara to stand in the middle of the room. She was quick to sit in the squeaky leather chair.
She crossed her legs and the waiting began. As her thoughts wandered to the sex they’d had the night before, she really did agree, getting the condom out of the way would make things more something.
The door swung open and she jumped as a middle-aged woman walked into the room, file in hand.
“Afternoon, I’m Agatha Kin.”
Kara nodded quickly, not wanting to prolong the experience any more than it had to be. “Hi. I just need some birth control.” It was awkward to say. “And on another note, I’ve been sort of sick to my stomach—”
“Oh.” The doctor nodded. “Well, let’s deal with the birth control first, then we’ll address the sickness. Now, before I can prescribe anything or talk about the options. I’ll have to get a bit of background information and you’ll need to do a pregnancy test.”
Kara stared at her. “Oh, why?”
“We need to know if you’ve had any issues with your menstrual cycle or any other medical issues regarding your reproductive system.”
“No.” Kara shook her head. “I’m good. I think.”
The doctor wrote a bit down. “Have you ever had a PAP test?”
Kara shook her head, she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d been at a doctors, let alone that.
“We should do that then.”
“Why?” Kara’s heart pounded. Is this normal?
“Checking to make sure you’re healthy is a good idea,” the doctor assured her.
“I just need birth control.”
“We will get you some, don’t worry.”
I am worried. “Okay.”
“And the pregnancy test is to make sure you’re not pregnant.”
Kara almost laughed. “There’s no way I am pregnant, don’t worry. My boyfriend is super careful, like weirdly paranoid about it.”
“Well, unfortunately I cannot prescribe you birth control, not without a pregnancy test.”
“Okay,” Kara wearily agreed.
“And you didn’t answer the last question here… what’s your bloodline?”
Kara stared at her with a blink. “Like… what am I?”
“Well,” she gave Kara a sympathetic smile. “I need to know your bloodline in order to prescribe you the correct birth control.”
She gulped and decided to just say it. “I’m a Hunter.”
The doctor paused her eyes on her. “Oh, I see.” The awkwardness fizzled like it had her entire life. The doctor finally moved on. “Let’s start with the pregnancy test. Here’s a container. The bathroom is down the hall. When you come back we’ll do the PAP test. It’s quick. You’ll be out of here before you know it.”
Kara stood and took the container, hoping that statement really would be as quick and easy as it sounded.
“See you in a minute. Place the container in the window slot in the bathroom. There’s a sign.”
“Got it.” Kara left, container in hand. This is stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
She walked past the main reception and stopped to see James still sitting in the same spot. She was jealous he got to sit there while she had to go through all this.
He looked up from the magazine and caught her eyes on him.
Fuck. She took off in search of the bathroom.
“Kara.”
She turned to face him, when he’d caught up to her.
He looked her over. “Are you alright?”
“They’re making me do a pregnancy test!” she blurted out, angry.
“Oh.” He paused. “Do you think you’re pregnant?”
“No!” She couldn’t help the outburst initially but as the second passed she got herself together. “How would that happen?”
“I don’t know.”
“She just said I have to before they can give me birth control.”
“Right. Do you need me?”
“No.” She grabbed the door knob. “I’ll get this done and then we can… go have sex or something.”
He tried not to laugh.
“Go sit.” She pointed.
“Yes, ma’am.” He walked away as she locked herself in the washroom. Doing the needed task, she was out and back in the office within minutes, waiting for the doctor to return. When she did, she was instructed into a hospital robe and the rest was minor but uncomfortable. Keeping her eyes closed through most of it, she jumped from the bed to change when the word was given the doctor was done.
It had seemed like it had taken forever, but finally the doctor began to talk about options.
A pill…
A patch…
A shot…
“So, what do you think you might like?”
Kara blinked. “Honestly, that was a lot of information. Do you think I could ask my boyfriend?”
The doctor smiled at her. “This is your choice, not his.”
“I know but—”
A knock at the door interrupted her and a nurse poked her head in.
“Here’s the pregnancy test.”
“Oh, thank you…” The doctor stood and took the file, speaking to the nurse briefly, she turned and sat back down.
“Anyway,” Kara continued, “I think I’d like his opinion.”
The doctor nodded, looking over the single sheet she’d pulled out.
“Can I go get him then?” Kara asked with mild annoyance.
She looked up to Kara and paused. “This is likely why you’re not feeling well, Kara. Your pregnancy test is positive.”
Kara smiled and shook her head. “No, that’s wrong.”
“It’s not wrong.”
“Then it’s someone else’s test!” Kara shot.
“You’re the only one today that’s taken a pregnancy test.”
Oh, fuck you! Kara swallowed. “That can’t be right, I’m not the fucking virgin Mary—” she stopped as her eyes widened. Her virginity. She cupped her mouth, while James had been careful and diligent when it came to sex, her encounter with Tom had been anything but.
The doctor sighed. “When was your last period?”
Kara tried to think, but thinking was very hard to do when all she wanted was to scream.
“You’re not sure?”
Kara put a hand to her temple. “Last month, obviously, I think. No, it was…”
The doctor nodded. “Do you know the date?”
Kara felt her tears. “No, I don’t. Maybe two months now.”
“We can do a dating ultrasound. We can set it up for later this week. You’re likely not far along. Eight or Nine weeks—”
“I don’t want that,” Kara blurted out, standing.
The doctor paused, fingers splayed as she attempted to reason with her. “Whatever way you decide to do this, we need to know how far along the pregnancy is.”
Kara choked. “Can I go now?”
The doctor stared at her in concern. “We should probably discuss some options.”
“I don’t want to discuss anything,” she hissed at the doctor. Grabbing her coat and purse, she left the office, but when she saw James she wished she’d stayed.
She walked past the receptionist even as they called her name, and James followed her out into the hall, towards the elevator.
He finally caught up to her as the doors dinged open and she stepped inside.
“They were calling you, love.”
“I don’t care,” she snapped.
He creased his brow. “What’s gone on?”
“Nothing.” She put her coat on and buttoned it up. Just leave me alone. You’ll want to anyway once you find out…
James waited close, watching her but not pushing her further.
Once they were outside on the sidewalk, she started to walk. She didn’t have a clue if it was the correct direction but she kept going.
“Kara, the car,” James called to her.
“I want to walk.” In tears, she kept walking in and out of people, and the rain helped hide her surfacing emotions.
He caught up to her again, this time turning her towards him. “It will take an hour to walk home from here, just so you know.”
She looked across the street, avoiding eye contact with him.
“Kara.” His temper began to flare.
She whined and rubbed her wet bangs out of her face, turning away again.
“Kara!” his yell etched with a panic she had a hard time ignoring.
Swinging around to face him once more, her bottom jaw quivered from the rush of adrenaline the truth presented.
His hands took hers before she could move back from him. “Let’s get in the car, you’re going to get a chill.”
She finally agreed, feeling the damp cold as it began to make her shiver. She followed him towards the black vehicle. How do I tell him this…
“James, wait.” She stopped him before he walked away to the other side of the car.
He turned to face her, wiping his hand over his mouth. Maybe he was nervous or just annoyed, she could never tell with him.
With his gaze firmly on her and nowhere to run, she somehow got the words out of her mouth. “The pregnancy test, it…”
He waited, staying quiet.
She felt her throat closing. “It was positive.”
His face stayed static and though she hadn’t expected an outpouring of happiness, this she couldn’t gauge.
He stepped closer to her in apprehension. “You’re pregnant?”
“I’m sorry,” her voice was a whisper.
His eyes studied her. “We’ve been… I’ve worn a condom. Every time. I mean much to my dismay when it comes to you, but still…” He stepped in so close she could feel his warm breath on her freezing cheeks. “I’ve been… careful.”
“Yeah, I know you have.” She quieted amongst the busy city street and its pedestrian traffic. One passer-by in a pinstripe suit bumped into her and James caught her right away, not removing his hands once she’d steadied. “I’m so sorry, James… I really messed up.” Even though she’d felt the tears on her cheeks before, this time they felt very real.
He stared down at her and got the hint as she watched his Adam’s apple move with his gulp. “Get in the car.” He took her elbow and led her toward the vehicle, escorting her inside and away from the busy city noises. The door shut and the slam ricocheted the car back and forth.
His voice cracked through the buzzing in her ears, “Do you know who?”
She couldn’t look at him. How could she tell him who, after holding the secret of trading herself to Tom for so long? “No.”
Her eyes shut from her own disappointment and even his. This wasn’t how it was supposed to work out. Her new life with James should have been anything but this. Two months with him hadn’t been enough time. No matter how much she’d prayed for a restart on her life though, she always ended up back in the same position. A disappointment. A failure. A Hunter.
She choked from the tears. “I-I can have an abortion.” The words tasted as disgusting as they made her feel. She had the right to it, but she wasn’t sure she could go through with it. It was a part of her, and after losing Josh, she wasn’t sure she could willingly destroy that.
James looked to her but his deflated expression did nothing to calm her nerves. He never replied either which made it all that much worse to bear. He didn’t deserve what she was putting on him.
She looked away and pulled at her jeans along her knees through her desperation and guilt. Of all the possibilities of how she could have fucked up their relationship, this one was the ultimate and least expected of them.
“I’m so sorry, James.” She watched him process the information for the entire drive home, not that it made it any less excruciating. When the town car rolled up in front of the row house building, he got out so fast she fumbled to catch up. She chased after him, almost unable to open the door. What had started as an innocent visit to the doctor to get some birth control had ended in an atomic bomb.
He undid the lock on the door and let her in ahead of him. She climbed the stairs fast even against the bit of sickness she was feeling. He joined her at the flat door and she figured this was it, the last time she’d be walking into the apartment.
“I’ll pack my things,” she said softly to him as he unlocked the door.
He paused as he looked over to her. “You’ll what?”
Her back hit the door frame. “I understand how this will affect our relationship. It’s okay. I get it.”
“Right.” He pushed the door open and walked ahead of her, stripping his coat. “Shut the door, please.”
She backed her shoulders into it until it clicked, watching him walk away into the kitchen with his white pressed dress shirt and tailored pants and there she was, in skinny jeans and a lumpy sweater. His taste in clothes trumped hers everyday it seemed. She began to sweat as the wool itched her skin. Her nails dug up and down her arms but with no relief.
“Kara,” he called her and his tone got her moving forward.
When she joined him, he was leaned against the counter, arms crossed as he looked across the tiny kitchen space in thought.
She twisted her fingers around, in and out of a ball of knuckles as she waited for him to speak. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered again out of desperation.
His eyes flickered to her. “You don’t understand how badly I wish this child was mine but no matter how many times I back track, I don’t remember a broken condom or a time without one.”
The truth hit her, tearing through to the other side of her body as a bullet might. “It’s because there wasn’t.”
His next words stayed chained in his chest and he rubbed a hand over his face, “I know.” She watched him in vain, wishing she could make it all go away—to lose James Dray at this point seemed catastrophically unfair but that was life and she’d have to accept it.
“My luck never gets better.” Her heart sank.
“You know how much I love you…”
She nodded in amongst the tears streaming her cheeks. “I do.”
“I would do anything for you, Kara, and I realized in the car, that also means this.” He looked to her and she felt his devotion and friendship she’d always known. It hadn’t left, even with this circumstance and it was unbelievably impressive, however confusing. “So, that’s how it’s going to be from this moment on, if you’ll have it.”
“You don’t have to do this though, and why would you?” She breathed through the shock, not sure if she was breathing or gasping for air.
“Because…” He exhaled. “I love you.”
She held onto her brimming tears. “But it’s not yours—”
“Kara.” He stepped up to her and brought his hand to her cheek. It made her look at him. “Everything you are, I am and that will include this baby.”
She teared up, staring at him, convinced he was insane or stupid. It made the panic in her rise to a whine and she moved back from him, brushing at her tears.
“Calm down.”
“I can’t!” she cried, “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’m pregnant! How can you be so calm?”
“Because it’s happened and now we have to deal with it. We have to. There is no other choice.”
She sucked back a breath. “I won’t let this be your responsibility, you deserve so much more than me… this…”
“Don’t tell me what I deserve,” he stopped her. “I love you, that means I love everything that’s a part of you. Do you understand?”
She not only heard what he was saying but felt it in the deepest darkest places of her soul. In the corners of every crevasse where she didn’t think light could reach, James had done just that.
“I may not have fathered this child, but if I can love you as much as I do, I can love this baby like my own. I promise you, I can.” He dropped his mouth to her cheek and kissed her there. “It will be alright. We will figure it out.”
“I’m afraid though.” She sunk into his chest from his hold on her. His hand came to her lower back, and he held her with an ever so increasing grip.
“I’m nervous too.”
She stayed still and silent in his arms, completely convinced he was telling the truth.
“But we’ll be fine,” he assured her. “I promised I’d take care of you and I will.”
She shut her eyes to stop the returning tears. “Thank you, James.” She sucked in a breath and heard his swallow before he hushed her. She prayed that his words would turn out to be all kinds of true but somewhere in the pit of her stomach, she feared they wouldn’t.
His hands brought her flat against him and she shut her eyes with her exhale. Enjoying his warmth and embrace as her emotions threatened to surface. She buried her nose into his pressed shirt and he stayed still for her, letting her sway against him.
“You’re going to be a good mother.”
She pulled back just enough to look up at him. “You can’t know that—”
“I do.” He dropped his nose against hers and she loved the way it made her feel when he almost kissed her like that. “I’ve thought about it many times before now. You’re very loving and caring. This baby is lucky.”
She went up on her toes and met his mouth for the kiss she wanted, which he gave her willingly. When their lips parted she stayed close to him, keeping her eyes shut to enjoy his comfort.
“I think today we’ll just relax.” He brushed her dark hair over her shoulder. “Watch a show and order-in.”
She liked that idea and nodded into his chest.
“And… I would like to make love to you.”
Of all the things to be happening to her that evening, she hadn’t thought after the news that had been delivered to her that day, that would have been one of them.
She looked up to him as he waited for her reply. “Really?”
“Yes.” He kissed her gently.
“Now?” She breathed between their lips.
His eyes went down her body and he took her hand. “If you like. I want this day to end better. I want you to know how much I love you.”
She kissed him and he got her answer without any words needed. He had fixed the devastation she’d felt from the news, filled her with new hope and made her love him more. She knew she would never love anyone as much as she loved him. There wasn’t another man alive that would match him—that she was positive of.
He led her from the kitchen to their bedroom and she followed, watching the way his shirt fitted snug against his lean muscles and how when he turned the knob of the door, the bulge of his bicep was visible.
She kissed him as soon as he shut them inside and started to undo each button along his chest, until all he had to do was pull it from his pants.
He walked her back toward the bed, helping to strip her clothing, pulling her bulky sweater over her head in between their kisses.
“Mm.” He let her go and folded back the bedding. “Come.”
She pushed her jeans from her hips and got into the bed, tucking herself under the blankets totally naked aside the wool socks on her feet.
He joined her moments later, climbing on top of her as she pulled the blankets up along his back. His entry inside her was fast and she opened her eyes with a gasp. Staring up at him as she felt him for the first time without a condom. His warmth, the ridges, the way he caught inside her, all dialed her in with perfect calculation.
She swallowed the emotion in her throat but he’d seen it.
“I know.” He put his hand on her cheek and kissed her. “Now you understand why I never did this without anything between us.”
She nodded through the blip of tears in her eyes. Feeling him like that became her. Made her wish it was his baby inside her but settling on the fact that he really would treat the child as his own. He always did as he promised and this would be no exception, she knew it, felt it, loved it.
“I love you,” she cried.
“I love you too.” He stayed inside her, dropping his mouth to hers. “Look at me.”
Her eyes opened to his and he wiped the few tears away.
“That’s it…” he murmured and started to rock into her. The rhythm obliterated her and she could only stare up at him, enjoy him and let him make her feel good—all at the same time.