Tight lip
“Kara.”
She wrinkled her nose, opening her eyes to the sound of his voice.
“Love?”
She turned and was met by his mouth on her cheek. “What time is it?” she asked.
He hushed her. “It’s early. I’m going to practice.”
“Oh.” She blinked. “For soccer?”
“Yes.” He kissed her forehead. “I’ll be back this evening.”
She grabbed his bicep before he got too far from her and she sat up, blankets falling to her waist. “Alright, I guess I can live without you for a bit.”
He paused, looking her over in her tank top that had ridden up most of her stomach. “I’ll take you out for dinner later on,” he said.
She smiled. “As in a date?”
“Mm.” He kissed her. “Okay, a date.”
“See you later.” Kara drew back, lying back in the bed.
“Eat when you get up.”
Kara closed her eyes. “Sure.” Listening to him leave the bedroom, she pulled the blankets up and over her head, falling back to sleep only to have dreams of her brother in her arms, lifeless and limp.
She woke, her eyes wide, holding her stomach as the feeling of bile propelled her forward up and out of the bed in a rush. She ran for the bathroom out in the hall and got there just as it came up her throat.
“Bloody hell, you alright?”
She snapped around, staring at Carter in the door frame.
She winced from the awkwardness; she’d been heaving pretty hard. “Sorry.”
“All good.” Grabbing a face cloth from the cupboard, he wrung it out under the tap for her.
She stood, flushing the toilet and sitting on the seat.
“Sick, I guess.” She took the cloth from him as he held it out for her.
Like usual.
He paused, watching her wipe her mouth, and smiled. “No judgement.”
She looked up to him. “What?”
“Girls start puking in toilets and things get hairy. Know what I mean?”
She stared at him. “No, not really. I’m just sick.” Because I can’t get high anymore.
He smiled, knocking on the open door. “Knock on wood, eh?” He laughed, leaving her.
She wrinkled her nose at the implication. Getting up and closing the bathroom door, she decided to shower and hoped it would make her feel better. If anything it would warm her up. She moved under the steamy water and looked around at the options, which were bar soap or all-purpose shower gel.
She opted for the shower gel, making a mental note she needed actual shampoo that smelt like anything other than menthol and a walk in the woods.
When she finished, she went to shut off the tap and her hand missed, sending her into the side of the tile and onto her bottom as the water fell from above. Her fingers shook along her thighs and she dropped her head back, as the familiar ache only got worse. She thanked god the withdrawal happened in the shower where no one would find her and she collapsed over her knees to ride it out. It made her want to puke and she almost did, had she not been on an empty stomach.
Half an hour later, and freezing cold, she was back in his bedroom, towel around her chest as she tried to find clothes. Uncaring, she went for his hoodie on the floor and a pair of leggings, wanting comfort over aesthetic above all else.
Still not 100%, she attempted to push past it and join Carter in the living room.
The television was on as she walked into the kitchen and she poked her head around the corner to see Carter on the couch, eating a bag of chips and watching the sports channel.
“Hey,” she greeted.
“Feeling better, pet?” He winked at her.
“Better, thanks,” she sat to the very edge of the couch.
“Here it is.” Carter gestured to the television.
‘Elite football just got a lot more… stimulating? Can I say that?’ The sportscaster laughed as he looked to the man sitting next to him at the desk. Kara paused as it got her attention.
‘You’re right, Donny. Whether you’re male or female, or any being under the sun for that matter, not many of you will be able to look away from this news.’
It flipped to the original caster as he said, ‘That’s right. England’s Elite team just signed young midfielder James Dray and for a hefty contract price! This mate has incredible talent, you watch him and his technique is groomed out like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Now he plays mostly midfield but he makes a great striker too. Let’s just say, if he doesn’t personally take us to the World Cup this year and win it, I will be surprised.’
Kara stared at the television as a clip of James playing soccer flashed across it and cut to commercial.
“What the fuck!” She exclaimed.
Carter slumped back on the couch and adjusted his feet along the coffee table. “I know… we all play with him for years and he’s the one to get a contract. Bollocks.”
Kara stared at him. “Why is he on the TV?”
Carter stared at her. “Cause…’. Elite football? Largest, most competitive league world wide?”
Kara held her stomach to stop the unease coming on. “What?”
He gave her a slow smile. “Where did you get plucked from? Were there world war two bunkers there?”
Kara swallowed from the sly teasing.
Carter kept his smirk. “No offence, but this is all very suspicious, I’ve known James for a long time. He keeps to himself, meaning girls on one side and his life on the other.”
I’ll agree there.
“So,” Carter continued, “you must be very special.”
“It’s probably what makes me not special.”
Carter watched her for a moment. Perhaps he waited for her explanation on that topic further but she wouldn’t give him one.
“I didn’t mean to offend you,” he said.
Kara looked at him, “Oh, no, you didn’t. I get it.”
“Yeah, it’s nothing on you, you’re…” Carter searched for the word. “God, I’ll just say it, James has never had a girlfriend. Ever. Lila is the closest and even she got pissy with him a few weeks ago because he wasn’t calling her. He didn’t want the drama—instead he had some gorgeous Russian model stay over while they were scouting him. He got so bloody agitated about that contract, needed something to take his mind off it—I suppose. I’m sure that woman did it.” He laughed. “She could only say his name or that’s all I heard her say. Pretty sure he paid for her troubles too. So yeah, James and girlfriends…” He shook his head. “Nope. Football comes first. Always.”
“Yeah, I know.” She swallowed, trying not to picture a perfect model standing in her shoes a few weeks back. “So you’ve known James for a long time then?”
“Through most of school at Eton.”
She tilted her head. “And Lila?”
Carter gave her glance and shook his head. “Sixth form, boarding school. All boys.”
“Oh.” She breathed, totally confused by the information.
“I think I get it now,” Carter said, “James wanted quiet, pretty and elusive. You’re definitely all those things.”
So not that, Kara concluded in her head, pretending to be watching the television commercials.
“So, change of subject!”
Kara looked to him with a gulp, afraid of how the conversation might proceed.
“Do you like Halloween parties?”
She blinked. “Well, I…”
“Cause Greg’s having a fucking wrecker. It’s going to be awesome.”
“I guess if James is going.”
Carter smiled. “He will probably be away, but I can take you. You need to meet more people anyway.”
She winced. “He’ll be away?”
“There’s a game that week, I assume he won’t be home.”
“Oh.” Kara stared at him.
Carter gave her a pity smile. “Yeah, just the way it goes though, pet. Let me know about the party. It’s the Friday before Halloween.” He got up. “I’ve gotta get ready for class.”
“See you later.”
He smiled. “Say hi to Jim for me.”
Kara nodded as he left her sitting alone to wait for James.
She’d been in the apartment’s small office, staring out the narrow window to the outside world of pouring rain and moving umbrellas. It looked cold and unwelcoming, but at the same time, it was a privilege to be there. Stand there in that apartment, overlooking the normalcy of central London. Not one pedestrian looked over their shoulder there from paranoia.
She swallowed as the guilt piled on her. Josh would never see it. Her fingers slid along the foggy glass as she counted the raindrops hitting the pane. It wasn’t enough of a distraction from her guilt in the pit of her stomach and the tears began to stream her cheeks. Just like the rain outside, they trickled away and disappeared.
Her knees got weak and she slipped against the wall until she sat on the carpet of the cool apartment. The furnace needed to be turned up or she needed some wool socks, one or the other. The chill reminded her of the dimension and her brother stacked atop a pile of decaying bodies. How she’d gone from that to this, didn’t make a lick of sense.
She curled onto the floor and stared across the slate grey berber to the sleek modern angles of the desk and chair. This wasn’t home, and suddenly she felt it. Her eyes shut with her sob. If she were honest, lying on the cold ground made her feel better and her guilt lessened with it.
As the light in the room dimmed with the arrival of early evening, her body succumbed to the exhaustion of crying most of the afternoon away by herself on the floor. Her eyes shut as her frozen fingers twitched into a slumber.
“Kara?”
His deep voice woke her but her eyes stayed shut as the cold kept her motionless. She’d been there a long time, lying in the dark, alone.
The vibration of his footsteps in the hallway got closer. She remembered where she was and where he would find her if she stayed lying on the floor a second longer. It should have propelled her faster from her limp position but didn’t.
“Kara…” He came down to her right away and their eyes met. His confusion wore through his expression as his panic made up the loose ends. “What happened?”
“I’m fine,” she tried to brush him off as she sat up, shivering.
He helped her from the ground and as she stood, he picked her up in his arms. That came at no choice to her, he just did it. She slipped her forehead to his shoulder and he carried her to his bedroom.
“I can feel how cold you are.” It said something about her state, because his shoulders and hair were damp from the rain outside.
She settled into the bed as he covered her in the blankets. The warmth prickled her right away.
“I’ll make you some tea.” He went to leave when she grabbed his hand to stop him.
“I woke up puking, then I talked to Carter and…” she shook her head. “I just thought about Josh a lot today… and how he’s just never going to get to see any of this.” Her eyes welled. “That I don’t deserve this… I don’t know how long I was even in there.”
“Stay in bed. I’ll be back in a moment.”
She nodded into the blankets, wiping at a few of her tears as he walked away.
He had to be regretting taking her on. At least she thought he should have been. There wasn’t any way a boy like him really wanted anything to do with a girl like her. It just didn’t add up, yet there he returned to her five minutes later.
“Sit up and drink this.”
She rolled onto her back and looked to the steaming mug of tea he held by the rim. She sat up slowly and leaned against the headboard. She wasn’t sure what she’d do without him. Freezing, cold, dead already.
Their eyes met as she sipped the hot tea.
“Thank you…”
“Mm.” He walked across the bedroom and stripped the athletic shirt to throw in the laundry bin. She watched him undress. Take his shoes off, his socks, then finally the track pants.
“How was practice?”
He looked up as he put a towel around his waist. “Sort of miserable and wet, but I lived.”
“You were on the sports channel.”
“What did it say?” He walked over to the bed.
“They talked about… well, essentially how good you are. It was pretty impressive.”
“How nice of them,” he muttered.
“I had no idea you’d be on national television.”
“A side effect of pro-football.”
“Yeah.” She breathed. “Do you think you’ll be on there a lot?”
“I guess it depends on how good the team does. I’m going to go take a shower. Then we’ll go out for dinner as promised. I’m assuming you didn’t eat today.”
Kara choked on more guilt. “I forgot.”
His nostrils flared just a bit and he walked for the bedroom door. “Give me twenty minutes.” It clicked shut with his leave and she shut her eyes as she felt his frustration with her. She had to get her shit together, had to figure out some way to start functioning so he wasn’t about to get constantly annoyed with her and it had to start as soon as possible.
The noises buzzed around them in the quaint but busy restaurant he’d chosen as she attempted to read the food choices again.
She looked down to the menu, forcing herself to look away from him in his pressed shirt. It was hard to do, he always looked so handsome but right then, he was gorgeous and silent.
She’d gotten the memo on his edging temper since leaving the apartment. Even holding his hand on the walk there hadn’t helped ease it. It felt odd and she wasn’t sure if he was annoyed with her or just tired from practice. Something did steer her toward the first option though.
James dropped his menu to the edge of the table. “Do you know what you would like?”
She sighed. “No, not really.”
“I can order for you.”
The offer made her pause and she almost took it.
“That’s okay.” She shook her head. “I’ll get this.”
He nodded as his eyes moved off her and stopped in a stare just behind her right shoulder.
“What?” Kara turned to look at what he saw and then her eyes landed on the brunette sitting and waiting alone. She twisted back around. “Is that… Lila?”
His dark eyes returned to her. “Yes.”
Kara swallowed and found the window for a distraction. Of all the people to be in the same restaurant with. She felt her cheeks warm as the topic begged to be surfaced.
“Carter told me she was almost your girlfriend.”
“Carter doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“What about the Russian model from a few weeks ago?”
James stared at her with a pause. “What?”
“He told me you had a model around while they were scouting you. Did you pay for her?”
He tapped the table and glanced across the restaurant in thought.
“James?”
“If we must go there,” he muttered. “I met her at a club in the summer. Then she texted me that she wanted to come back to see her friends but wanted to stay in this area. I didn’t mind that idea so I offered her my bed. She wasn’t a professional, I assure you.”
Kara swallowed from his honesty. “W-what?”
Even his sigh exhausted her. “I had enough stress from the contract. Lila was being clingy. I needed a break from her.”
Kara felt a tinge of insecurity surge through her. “Clingy? Am I clingy?”
“You can be as clingy as you like, you’re my girlfriend,” he said quickly.
She was confused though. “So, you didn’t pay for the model to have sex with you?”
He grunted. “No, I paid for things she wanted. Like a bloody Chanel purse.” He shook his head. “I don’t remember, some other things. Clothes.”
Kara leaned forward onto the table, making sure not to clink the expensive dishware to whisper, “It was like a trade then?”
His brow creased as their eyes held. “I didn’t really think about it to be honest. I just did it. She was mildly entertaining for those two weeks.”
“She was in your bed for two weeks?”
“No.” He almost rolled his eyes but never got there. “It was on and off.”
She felt the redness burning her face and melting the bit of the makeup she’d worn. “James—”
“Kara, last week I had no idea you’d be back in my life. Now you’re all I want in my life. I feel I’ve made that fairly clear.”
She watched his agitation with the topic and decided to let him off the hook. Besides, just the week before she’d done questionable things as well and really didn’t want to divulge the details to him either on it. He’d already told her more than he needed to about the situation and she appreciated that, for his honesty—not so much the details.
“I’d like to move on. We should talk more about football now.”
She nodded. “Sure.”
“I’ll be away a fair bit.”
Having heard this from Carter, it didn’t catch her off guard but still stung to hear him say it. “I was sort of under that impression.”
“I just want to know what you’ll need to be happy,” he said. “So what happened this afternoon won’t repeat.”
She wrinkled her nose, trying to understand.
“For example, if you don’t like the flat, we can move.”
“Oh, no, I like it,” she assured him.
“I can get something nicer though, maybe somewhere else, more options, more security.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “More security? You don’t think I’m safe?”
“It’s not that.” He wasn’t saying what he wanted to and she saw it.
“I’m not feeling any need to go hunt—everything seems super clean. No uglies.”
“I’m really not worried about that.”
“W-what are you worried about then?” She asked.
He let out a tight breath. “You…”
She swallowed. “What about me?”
“I just can’t find you on the floor. That can’t happen again.”
She took in a sharp breath from his tone with her. “My brother just died, James.”
“I understand what you’ve been through but if you need some place to grieve, we have a bed and it’s warm, and—just don’t let me find you on the floor again. I thought you were dead.”
She suddenly understood where his frustration the past couple hours had propelled from. She didn’t make things easy and she never had but that she could try harder for him to be less messy with her emotions.
The waitress came over to take their order and Kara looked down to her broken nails as James took care of the rest. Once the woman left, he started in on her again.
“If we’re not moving, what else would you like in the meantime? I mean, to make you more comfortable.”
“I am comfortable,” she said. “I told you, I don’t need much.”
His sighed. “There must be something.”
“You’ve already done so much for me.”
“Mm.” His phone beeped and it pulled him out of the moment but her eyes stayed fixed on his shirt. She wondered how many other women liked the way he looked with it undone like that.
“Jim!”
Kara watched his Adam’s apple move with his grimace.
“Greg.” His voice was deep, and the edge of annoyance as his friend approached them rang loud and clear. Lila stopped only a foot or so behind, not speaking a word or saying hello.
“How was your first day at practice, mate?” Greg seemed genuine and interested in the topic.
“Good, thanks.”
Kara’s eyes focused on Lila, hiding just behind Greg, as she waited, shifting on her tall heels. The red stilettos looked deadly but Lila seemed used to the balancing act.
As James and Greg talked for a minute or so about football, Kara couldn’t help but notice the way Lila stared at him the entire time. Like she was losing something that had been hers and perhaps she was. It made Kara uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, she got antsy in her seat.
“Well, we’ll leave you to enjoy your meal. Nice seeing you again, Kara.” Greg smiled at her and looked behind him to take Lila’s hand. As they said goodbye, James’ eyes held with Lila’s long enough for Kara to notice and then they were gone.
He looked back to her and she saw the crease in his brow.
“Are they together?” Kara asked.
James picked up his beer and took a sip. “Just fucking likely, knowing Greg.”
Kara took a breath of thickened air from between them. “Oh… does that like… bug you?”
He creased his brow. “Why would that bother me?”
“Because you said she was being clingy.” Kara shrugged, looking away from him to her glass of water and the condensation running down the side.
“It doesn’t bother me. Enough about Lila,” he snapped. “Back to football… There’s practice and games, both of which I need to go to. So you’ll be home a fair bit without me.”
She looked back up to him, really trying to move on from Lila but failing. “Yeah, makes sense.”
“A lot of the games will be out of the country because it’s a European circuit.”
“Oh, okay.” Kara didn’t know what he was talking about but she nodded along.
“And it might seem hard at times but they’re paying me pretty fairly. So you can have whatever you need to feel more comfortable is what I am trying to say.”
Oh, shit. She didn’t want to get on that subject and she was tempted to go back to the topic of all the women he’d had encounters with before her.
“Do you—” He paused. “Well, do you know how much?”
Kara tensed. “No and I don’t need to—”
“Four,” he concluded.
“Okay.” She paused. Four… thousand? Four hundred?
He waited as she stayed silent and processed what four meant.
“That’s awesome,” she finally got out.
He let out a breath. “Four million, Kara.”
“What!” She jumped, knocking the table top.
He lifted an eyebrow. “Are you alright?”
“I guess—” She pouted through the pain in her knee from the blow to the table. “That’s a ton of money, James. W-why did you not say anything at home to me?”
“I would have. But I couldn’t.”
“Why?” she blurted out, somewhat coarsely.
“You,” he explained, “the situation with your brother. It wasn’t a good time.”
She winced, looking away. It was so much money, she had an issue comprehending how anyone could even be paid that much for playing soccer.
“This shouldn’t and it won’t change anything, Kara. If anything, it’s a good thing.”
“Well, you can’t say that, James,” she snapped. “I don’t know what you expect me to do, I’m no one.”
He stared at her. “What are you talking about? Why do you keep saying silly things like that?”
She rolled her eyes. “Your opinion of me will change, you’re…” She glanced around them and lowered her voice. “I’m not blind. I realize how big of a deal you are. There was like fifty or sixty people at your birthday party alone—”
He grunted. “Half those people I didn’t know. Carter invited them.”
She stared at him for a long moment. “Yeah right.”
“I know a lot of people because I’m decent at football. It gets me more attention than I care for.”
“It’s not that simple.” Her eyes fell, looking down to her hands again.
“It is.” He stood, coming around the table and slipping in beside her on the leather bench. His mouth pressed against her ear. “I don’t think I can do any of this without you…”
She turned her cheek, her nose brushing against his. “That’s not true. You’ve been doing it without me the past year.”
“But I’ve thought of you every day for that year.”
She swallowed, settling her mind. “No.”
“Yes,” he corrected. “I have.”
“Here’s your food.”
Kara moved away from him as the waitress assembled her plate in front of her, leaning across James.
“Thank you,” he said as she put his plate in front of him.
She walked off and Kara picked up her fork, poking her food.
“Eat. Please.”
“I will. It’s hot.” She glanced at him beside her. “You’re staying over here?”
“Do you not like me this close?”
She shimmied her shoulder up against his arm playfully. He was still in a bit of a mood but he was moving out of it. “I like you close.”
He took her chin and kissed her, his tongue meeting hers. Grabbing onto his shirt, she pulled him closer, closing her eyes and enjoying him.
He broke apart from her after a few moments. “Promise me you won’t do reckless things when I’m away.”
She played with the fabric of his undone collar. “I won’t. I promise to do all my crying in your bed from now on.”
“Our bed.” He corrected and kissed her forehead when she cuddled into him.
“Our bed,” she repeated with a small smile.