Lucien turned on the bedside lamp and in the muted light, I saw the deep furrows in his face.
He looked as though he had aged overnight. A few months ago, I would have wanted to take him in my arms, stroke his unshaven jaw, kiss that firm mouth.
Not so, not anymore.
Pushing the thoughts back, I asked, bluntly,
"What are you doing here? I want to see my children. Where are they?'
His reply was totally different from what I had expected. Instead of answering me, he growled,
'You didn't tell me you were with child.'
I sensed the undercurrent of anger and shrank back into the pillows that someone had thoughtfully propped up for me. Shifting in the bed, I moved into a comfortable position.
"Where are Ria and Piers?' I insisted, sticking my chin out.
"They have gone to bed.' He said curtly.
I glared at him, tucking my hair behind my ear as I tried to focus.
'Why?' he asked again, his voice harsh with emotion.
Suddenly, I was exhausted. I stared out wearily, looking at the darkening shadows of the lawn, the trees beyond him.
Sighing, I replied softly, without meeting his flinty eyes,
'I do not want to have this child, Lucien.'
***
At his sharp intake of breath, I ignored him and went on, resignedly, too tired to pretend,
'This is a child created from anger.'
As I felt him tensing, his fists bunching up, as though he was preparing to hit someone, I continued:
"My twins were different. I loved you, wholeheartedly when they were created...this child'
All of a sudden, I hated him, hated this creature growing unwanted in me and I hit my stomach fiercely with my fists, beginning to cry, the tears sliding down automatically, now,
'This creature growing in my womb, this child,' I went on, 'was born of hate, you wanted to punish me, So no, I didn't want to tell you about something that I hoped would never be born ...'
Lucien had grabbed my fists, holding them fast with one hand while he gripped my chin in a painful hold, tilting my face to meet his hard, cold eyes.
'Don't ever say that. 'He growled, his voice raw with emotion.
***
I looked up at him imploringly, the tears flowing freely as I whispered huskily,
"I loved you, Lucien, but you broke my spirit that night. I would still have gone on loving you, believing, hoping ...but you never once came back...'
My voice broke into a sob. He released my hands and stepped back, looming over me but silent. I paused, covering my mouth with my fist, trying to regain control. it took me a while to fight down that feeling of utter hopelessness that washed over me.
He stood over me as I leaned back against the pillows wearily, staring sightlessly outside as I went on, softly, unable to keep out the bitterness from my voice.
***
'If you had cared...but all I heard were tales of you spending your nights with other women, making love to them while I waited. I longed so much for you to be with me, to hold me. But you never came, you never, ever came, Lucien. Not once."
Bowing my head, shoulders shuddering, I broke into great sobs, surrendering to the remembered grief and pain of those days. Cupping my face in my hands, I wept for the fool I had been, for the lost innocence, for the love I had had for this man who stood beside my bed, his fists clenched, his face carved out of granite. I felt in that moment as though my heart was being torn from my body.
After a while I raised my head, wiping my nose with a handkerchief he had silently handed me.
"Stop it, woman.' he growled and there was a strange note in his voice,' You will only get yourself sick in this way.'
Meeting his eyes, I went on,' Let me say it, Lucien, just let me say it.'
Taking a deep breath, I bit my lip to control myself before going on,
"Then you told me yourself that you didn't care if I left...how could I tell you that you had gotten me with child again? You would have thought it was a ploy to trap you...'
With a hysterical giggle, I added,
"I used to imagine you getting ready to do another paternity test on my child. You would probably have suspected me of sleeping with the groundsmen or with one of your friends...'
My body shook, wracked with the sobs I was trying to control but I went on,' Maybe you would suspect that creep Shark? Or Schwartz, because he is kind to me?'
But the bravado I put on was false and I came apart again.
Unable to take it anymore, I bowed my head and sobbed out loud, my shoulders heaving.
He did not move. I could have been alone in the room as I let out my sorrow.
He let me weep for a while more.
And then I raised my eyes and faced him as I said, my eyes flashing with pain and courage,
'So yes, I wanted to lose this child, it was born of hate... I was hoping it would die before you found out...'
He had been standing all this while beside me.
Unmoving and silent as the grave.
***
I sat up straighter and spat at him, my tears abating,
'There has never been a time when you have had a word of love for me. It was always words of abuse, even when we were in bed...You have suspected me of sleeping with every man you saw. Do you think I wish to spend another minute with a man who has only hurt me in every conceivable way? Do you think I wish to bear the child of a man who treats me like a sex object when he wants to; completely ignores my existence at other times? Your jealousy, your lust, I am so fed up.'
Now I sensed his turmoil, his confusion, as he stepped back. I did not have the strength to care, to explain anymore. What was the use?
I turned my face into the pillow and wept.
I wept for the love I had for him, for what I had believed in, for what he would never understand.
He must have left the room after a while.
I fell asleep, sobbing.