Proserpina
When I stood before the mirror in the large, spacious bathroom, I could see that my stomach was still firm, and there was no outward indication of the change in my body. which was good, I thought grimly.
I looked around me again-at the little house where we had spent so many hours in love.
I had blissfully imagined it to be ours, a love nest, but now I saw it for what it was, the way the world looked at it: a House to Keep a Mistress.
to be vacated when the next one turned up.
Sinking to the floor wearily, I asked myself, "Had it ever been love?"
Lucien had never once told me that he loved me.
Even in the heat of our lovemaking, a part of him was always in control. Even when his pale eyes glittered in lust, he was able to be in charge, while I must have said that I loved him a million times!
The brutal truth was staring me in the face now, and I knew I had no options left.
For the Mafia Don, my lover, I was just a woman who had taken his fancy for some obscure reason.
The spring and winter kind of thing, I told myself, was heartbreaking and bitter.
I was just a child-woman who had probably attracted him with her naiveté. and her body, but her physical allure was transitory.
I was also aware that he was fighting his attraction to me. It had not been difficult to discern-that was evident in the way he took me some times, roughly, savagely, almost as though he abhorred the weakness in him that made him desire me. He had done his best to shut me out of his world, to keep me away from his friends, and I had no idea what he did or where he went.
The conversation between us was minimal, and I had been too wrapped up in the wonder of my love for him to really take notice. Besides, all he cared for was my body. Whenever I timidly ventured to ask anything or tell him about something-my life, my college-it was either cut off brusquely or I was shut down with a cold look.
The violence with which he invaded my body was more like an act against himself, although I had come to love him with all my heart and welcomed his harsh use of my body. Because for me, it was as simple as sunrise: I loved him.
That was all I knew.
His insistence that the appointments with the doctor were kept and that I was on the pill-all of that had me convinced of one thing, though. Lucien Delano has been keeping mistresses secreted away in this hidey hole of a cottage for a very long time now. And the doctor with the impersonal questions and the cool, distant touch as she examined my body-all of it was not out of any concern for my health. It was to make sure that I had not fallen pregnant.
I had slipped up because I had skipped the pill when I came down with the stomach ailment a few weeks ago, and I had not been to see the doctor yet. My appointment was a few weeks away.
But I was also wise enough to know that he would never allow me to keep this child that was growing in my womb-the child born of a stormy passion-a child I wanted to keep so desperately because it would be the only memory of my love for him when I left him.
Which was what I intended to do.
***
I carefully made my plans to escape, keeping a low profile on the outside. Since Lucien had not tried to establish any contact with me for the past two weeks, I knew that he had probably moved on. It was only a matter of time before I would be asked to evacuate. And even in this fragile state of mind that I was in, I knew that I was not going to stand and be ignobly evicted.
No, my love, my Boss, I thought grimly, I shall leave you before you tell me to do so.
The sheer deviousness of my plans amazed me. Perhaps it was the thought of the child growing within me; at any rate, I wanted to live, to survive, and, preferably, to be as far away as possible from the town of Hollowford and the world I had known till then.
I had never imagined that such resources of strength lay dormant within me!
***
From White, the bodyguard, I got to know that Lucien was back; in fact, said the wingman, avoiding my eyes with utmost care as he answered my probing queries, the Boss had returned from his holiday on the beach front a few days ago. When he met my eyes, I saw pity in them.
Yet Lucien Delano had not thought to come to me, to call me, or to inquire about me, I thought to myself, my heart shattering into a million tiny pieces. That day I yearned to give up, to throw myself in front of an approaching vehicle-anything but continue to live like this, like an unwanted piece of fluff.
But pride and the desire to live for my child made me move forward.
The nights were the worst. I would lie awake, staring at the night sky, remembering the times he had held me, made fierce love to me, and my wanton, abandoned response.
On such nights, placing my hand on my hardening belly, I would sit up, my hair tousled, my mind churning, and my body soaked in sweat.
Had my lover lost interest in me because I was always ready to do his bidding? I asked myself bitterly,
"Why had I been so totally submissive to his demands?" Tears seeped out slowly.
Lucien Delano knew that he had only to flick his finger absently on my womanhood, and I would melt, my body coming alive with a fire that only he could put out.
When he looked at me in that icy, possessive way, I would tremble with longing. My youth had made me vulnerable; I had never tried to hide my blind passion for him. And I had never stopped telling him how much I loved him.
Was that why he had forgotten me so easily? I wondered forlornly.
Had Lucien simply grown bored because I was so blatantly and easily available?
***
The tortured questions continued, but strangely enough, I am always able to have a hearty breakfast in the morning now. The strong aversion to certain foods and aromas had decreased. I knew that I needed to meet a doctor soon, but I wanted to be far away before I dared to do that.
Ana, the cook was certainly dismayed at my lack of appetite. Where earlier I had been desultory and disinterested in my plate of food, pushing a slice of toast about the plate in a weary way, now I asked for second and third helpings. It meant, simply speaking, that she had to work and could not put her feet up and watch me with her basilisk stare anymore.
Ana studied me in angry silence when I sweetly asked her for more pancakes on one occasion.
"You won't have to see much more of me, darling," I thought cattily as she turned away in a huff and returned to the stove, banging on the pans as she vigorously poured out the batter, making a lot of noise to signal her fury. But I continued to eat nonchalantly, smiling to myself. I would be damned if I let the attitude of the household help and their almost sneering, churlish attitudes affect me!
***
I knew I had to leave immediately, but my body ached for his touch, and my heart yearned to see him. It was foolishness, but then I was a fool in love.
Such a desperate, youthful fool.