ALEXIANA CALLISTO
When I was seven years old, I remember telling my mother excitedly that I made a friend. She stroked my hair affectionately with her soft warm hand and asked me what his name was. I scratched my head for a non-existent itch as I told her I already forgot. Her melodious laugh filled the entire living room as she scooped me up and placed me on top of her legs.
"I'm pretty sure his name starts with a V, Mom."
"Let's call him Victor until you remember. How did you meet him though?"
I have always loved my mother's attentiveness. It doesn't matter whether my stories are about school, friends, movies I'm interested to see, or future plans. Ever since my siblings and I were young, she always makes it a point to know what's going on in our lives no matter how busy she is with clients and the family business.
"I met Victor while I was biking outside. I saw his toy helicopter crash down and I thought how sad that must have made him, so I sang him a song. He said my voice is beautiful and that I might become a singer one day. Do you think I'll be a singer one day, Mommy?"
"Of course!" Her eyes twinkled with unspoken pride. "I'm sure you'll turn out to be such a fine woman one day, Xiana. You can be a singer, an artist, a businesswoman, a doctor, or whatever you want to be. Mommy will always be here to cheer for you. But for the time being, you're still my little baby."
I hugged her and she hugged me back.
"You have a crush on Victor, don't you?" she whispered on my ear.
"Mom! No way! I'm too young for crushes!" My eyes widened as I pulled myself back. She reached forward and pinched my chin.
"I won't tell your Dad."
My shoulders relaxed and dropped. I looked down on my fingers as I fidgeted with my nails. After a few seconds of silence, I finally nodded. "Only a small bit. A teensy-weensy bit."
"It's normal, baby. When I was your age, I had a crush, too. He was my schoolmate and I admired how studious he was. He always copies the notes our teacher writes on the chalkboard. He recites often."
"But you didn't marry your crush, Mommy!"
"Goodness, no. I didn't marry that crush. But your Dad has been my longest crush. When I first talked to him at the school library, I was suddenly struck with the realization that he was the one I wanted to build my family with. You know what, you will encounter a lot of crushes who will make you feel tingles down your spine, but it all boils down to the one person who will make you feel like life, no matter how hard it can be sometimes, is worth living. That's how you'll be able to differentiate having a crush and falling in love."
I frowned at her, not having understood her point at such a young age. She always tells my twin and I things like this. She told us before that she would not like to be the kind of mother we keep secrets from. So, instead of discouraging us from having crushes and evading our questions about love and relationships, she would always encourage us to share our thoughts with her.
She said awareness, and not avoidance, is what kids and teenagers need to educate themselves about the intricacy of feelings.
"For every crush, you will learn something new, like a lesson. Is there something you learned when you met Victor?"
"I don't know, Mom. But, look. He gave me this." I slipped the chess piece out of my pocket and placed it on her hand. "He said I get to keep it because I am a queen."
My mother smiled in amusement as she stared at it. "This Victor boy is cute."
"He is! I'm sad that we're leaving tomorrow. I won't get to play with him again."
"There's always a next time, baby. Cheer up. We'll be home before Christmas and for summer next year. Who knows? He might be here next summer."
"He won't be, Mommy. He said he's going away for school in the coming months. I will never see Victor again."
She kissed the top of my head, as if sharing my sadness, before she set me down and stood up. "Then let's place this chess piece in your suitcase so you can take it back home. You can keep it in your bedside drawer. That way, you'll always remember Victor even when he's away."
She walked upstairs, to slip the gift on my suitcase, and it took her a couple of minutes. I perked up when I heard her footsteps on the stairs. When she came to view, I told her I already know what I learned from having a crush at Victor.
"What is it, baby?"
"Sometimes you meet people once, but that doesn't mean their memories will fade away over time. For as long as I have the chess piece he gave me, I think I will always remember how kind and soft-spoken he had been."
My mother smiled and told me I have learned a good lesson from my first crush.
I smiled back, my mother completely clueless how desperately my young heart was secretly hoping to meet Victor for a second time, once I'm older and ready to understand the complexity of love and relationships.
"Asheng?" It was Vane's voice that pulled me back to reality. I blinked at him blankly, before my shoulders untensed. I drifted off the moment I saw the small tattoo of a king, and I meant the chess piece, on the side of his neck. It brought back memories of Victor, my childhood crush, whose features I have long forgotten. But despite that, I can still remember how the young me had blushed when he told me he thinks I'm pretty.
"What did you call me?" Vane asked, his tone curious. For a moment, I struggled to remember what the conversation was before I drifted off. Then, as if on cue, my mind clicked.
"Daks."
I felt some discomfort as he stared at me with those confused blue eyes the color of the raging sea. He folded his arms across his chest, creased his eyebrows in unison, and bit his lower lip. I stared back at him mutely, wondering if I said something wrong. Under his piercing and inquisitive stare, I felt my heart drumming faster inside my chest.
He really is mesmerizing up close.
"Daks?" he finally asked, breaking the silence coating the two of us. Understanding washed over me as I realized that he was probably as confused as I was when I first heard Manang Soling say that term.
"Yes. I was told that daks is an adjective used to describe a person with a big heart. At dahil nagdonate ka ng libro para sa mga bata ay alam kong mabuti ang puso mo," mabilis at nakangiti kong sagot. Nakita ko kung paano maalis ang pagkalito sa mukha niya at mapalitan ito ng pagkaaliw. Sa pagkakataong ito ay lalo niyang kinagat ang kanyang pang-ibabang labi na tila nagpipigil ng tawa sa hindi malamang kadahilanan. May ibang ningning ang mga mata niya nang magsalita.
"I see. Saan mo naman natutunan 'yan?"
"Sa akin! Narinig ko sa kapitbahay kaya itinuro ko kay Asheng. Ayos ba, Senyorito?" Mapagbirong siniko ni Manang si Vane sa t'yan na tila ba napakumportable niya na rito. Imbes na mainis ay nagpakawala ng magiliw na tawa ang huli bago ito inakbayan pabalik.
"Ayos na ayos, Manang! Si Asheng pa lang ang nakakapagsabi sa akin n'yan ng harapan."
"Bakit naman? Hindi ba palaging sinasabi sa'yo ng mga tao kung gaano kalaki ang puso mo?"
"Not in the way you said it to me. I'm happy you consider me daks and not juts." He gave out an easy laugh as if he found the conversation amusing.
"Juts?" nakakunot ang noong tanong ko. Bakit ganito ang mga salita ngayon? Did the Filipino language really evolve that fast?
"Someone who has bad intentions." He winked knowingly.
"Nako! Alam mo bang noong nakaraang taon ay may nanligaw r'yan kay Asheng na juts! Ang gusto lamang pala ay ang puri niya! Mabuti na lang at binasted ng alaga ko ang Anthony na 'yun!" Manang huffed indignantly as she remembered the son of my Dad's previous business partner. The moment she met him, she made it a point to express her dislike as much as she could. Anthony would have made a fine first boyfriend, but he tried to make a move on me the very first night I finally agreed to have dinner with him.
"Always go for someone who has pure intentions, Asheng."
"Bakit hindi na lang ikaw, Senyorito? Daks ka naman!"
"Manang!" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Naramdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng mga pisngi ko sa tinuran niya. Napansin ko rin ang agad na pagkamot ni Vane sa likod ng ulo na tila hindi alam ang isasagot. Parang gusto ko na lang na bumukas ang lupa at kainin ako ng buhay. Para maiwasan ang kung ano pa mang uri ng kahihiyan ay napagdesisyunan ko nang hatakin si Vane palayo at yayain siyang tumulong na lang sa paghahanda ng pagkain ng mga bata.
Napahanga ako dahil mukhang wala siyang kiyemeng makihalubilo sa mga ito. Nagpabuhat pa nga sa kanya ang batang si Arman at agad niya naman itong pinasan. Nang maipamahagi na nina Manang at Aling Fiona ang mga pagkain at juice ay masiglang kumain ang aking mga alaga. Kita ko sa paraan ng pagkukwentuhan at asaran nila na nag-enjoy sila sa araw na ito.
"Senyorito, bakit kulay mais ang buhok mo? Kinulayan mo ba 'yan?" tanong ni Oscar. Umiling naman si Vane at hinugot ang isang upuan para tabihan ang batang sumusubo ngayon ng spaghetti.
"Hindi. Ganito lang talaga siya simula nang ipanganak ako."
"Bakit naman noong pinanganak ako hindi naman ganyan ang buhok ko?"
"Iba-iba kasi tayo. Ang tawag do'n, diversity. Ipinanganak tayong iba-iba para matuto tayong makita ang indibiduwal na katangian ng isa't-isa. Kumbaga, iba ako sa'yo, iba ka sa akin, at iba rin silang lahat sa atin. Pero lahat tayo ay pare-parehas na espesyal."
Nakaramdam ako ng pag-usbong ng munting paghanga sa puso ko nang marinig ko ang sagot niya. Nakita ko ang pag-effort niyang magsalita gamit ang lokal na lengwahe para magkaintindihan silang dalawa. Tumango sa kanya ang bata at nagpatuloy na sa pagkain. Nag-angat siya ng tingin at nagkabungguan ang mga titig namin kaya agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin.
I will never be able to hold that gaze of his.
Lumakad ako pabalik sa mesa kung saan may mga basura nang nakalagay. Nagsimula akong isalansan ang mga ito bago itapon sa tamang basurahan.
"Hey."
How can someone make one simple greeting sound this appealing?
Even when I wasn't looking, I can still feel his aura radiating around the four corners of the room. I twisted hesitantly to face him, and when I did, I found him eyeing me intently. His eyes have an unnecessary intensity to them that compels you to either look longer or not look at all.
I chose to look away.
"Ano 'yon, Senyorito?"
"I just want to say that you have a big heart, too. Hindi lahat ng tao ay magtitiyaga na magturo sa ganito karaming bata ng wala namang nakukuhang kapalit. Because of that, daks ka rin."
"Thank you. Sigurado naman akong given the time ay willing ka ring gawin 'yon." Sumandal ako sa lababo bago kinagat ang labi. Napakalapit niya sa akin na tila kaunting tulak na lamang ay magkakadikit na ang balat naming dalawa. Ang isiping 'yun ang nagpapabilis ng tibok ng puso ko.
He cocked his head sideways, his smooth hair falling to one side after doing so.
"You give me so much credit."
"You deserve all of it."
He lifted his lips into a small yet genuine smile.
I took a shaky breath.
Vane.
His name sounds just as beautiful as he is.
I can't wait to call my mother tonight and tell her I have a crush on someone.