"I've never had a picnic before," Asheng said in between bites. She had a half-eaten apple in one hand. Today, she looked more delicate than usual. She is wearing a sleeveless white top paired with denim shorts. She didn't even have any jewelry on, but man, she looked like a million bucks. Damn.
"Me, too." I took a banana out of the picnic basket that she brought with her. As I peeled it off, I listened to the sound of lapping water coming from the lake in front of us. This is part of our property here in Daet, and though I didn't particularly enjoy swimming here when I was little, I was now starting to appreciate it every passing minute I'm spending with Asheng.
Who would've thought that I'll enjoy a simple picnic, in front of a lake, with a woman I've met while on vacation? If someone told me before that something like this was going to happen, I'd look at that person weirdly, and shrug everything off while laughing in disbelief.
"Asheng is such a weird name, you know? Bakit 'yun ang ipinangalan nila sa'yo? I tried to look you up on Instagram, but I can't find your profile." Yesterday, when I got home from horseback riding, I tried to search for Asheng on social media, but none of her profiles appeared. Not a single one. Instead, I discovered that there's a hotel in China called Asheng and a clothing store with a similar name. As an actor, I need to maintain my online presence for all the endorsements and to stay "relevant," as Luciana likes to put it, so I'm active on Instagram and on my Facebook page.
Asheng froze all of a sudden as if she didn't expect the question. Or maybe she did, but not this soon.
"It's a nickname, Vane."
"Oh." A nickname. "What's your real name?"
"It's not something I'm comfortable with. I usually just go by Asheng with people I'm close to." Tumango-tango ako. I realized that it may be a personal topic for her — one she's not yet ready to discuss, just like how I'm not ready to discuss the fact that I am a celebrity in Spain. When I picked her up from her house earlier, I thought about what kind of family and household Asheng grew up in. Halata namang may kaya siya sa buhay. She seemed very well-educated, politically-aware, and she carries herself with the kind of silent confidence that you don't always see, but you know is there.
Their house stands three-storey tall, painted neatly, as if it gets regularly renovated and refurbished for it to look modern and clean all the time. She also mentioned that Manang Soling was with her growing up, so she must have been her nanny.
I wondered what her parents do for a living. Could they be politicians? Bank managers? Engineers? Architects? I wanted to know, yet I didn't want to ask an information she did not willingly volunteer. I guess the important thing is that I know for certain that she was raised well and kind. Maybe for now, that's all the information I need to know.
"People here used to call me Ben Jison when I was young, you know?" I smiled at the recollection of a childhood memory. "We had this helper who had a hard time speaking Tagalog due to her native dialect, so when she calls me, instead of it sounding the way it should be as Vane Jason, it comes out as Ben Jison."
"I like the sound of that. Noong bata ako, hindi pa Asheng ang tawag sa akin ng iba. They branded me with the name kasi sabi nila mahirap daw bigkasin ang tunay kong pangalan. People in the city call me by my real name and sometimes even when I'm not in Daet, I feel like I'll always be more of an Asheng lost in the metro, surrounded by so many people with different dreams and desires, and often times... I feel like my heart is not in the right place."
"Where should it be?"
"Here, living simply, with Manang, the kids. I have always wanted to stay here, but I know that I have a life in the city that I have to go back to, a family that misses me, and work that needs supervision." Asheng bit at the apple again, and this time the sound produced an audible crunch.
I couldn't help but think of her as Eve, but the thing is, I'm no Adam. Thinking about it, I'm more like the serpent, dragging the beautiful and innocent Eve in my sins. I am a sinner in the likeness of a man.
I didn't like where my thoughts were going so I forced myself to snap out of it.
"Do you have friends in Spain that you miss?"
Her question caused guilt to rise on my chest. I did have friends in Spain that I miss. Luciana sent me a viber message last night saying she hopes I'm doing great and enjoying my vacation. After a quick five-minute chat, I stopped responding. My favorite co-actors Bristol and Josevf have both sent me messages on Instagram asking how I was doing and when I'm returning back to Madrid, but I haven't responded to them yet. Alyza, the president of my fans club — Vanelicious España — wanted to send me souvenirs from her latest travel to Lisbon, Portugal, but I haven't replied to her, too. A very dear director friend of mine, Enriquez, told me he was finally engaged and after sending him a gif of a groom dancing, he left me on read.
"Yes." I nodded. "I struggle with keeping tabs with my friends because I'm not the type of person who reaches out a lot."
"But you seem like an extrovert."
"I am when I need to be."
"Because you're in the entertainment industry?"
"Yes, exactly. Sometimes it gets tiring to be an extrovert. May mga araw na uuwi ako na pakiramdam ko pagod na pagod ako sa pagiging maloko at cheerful."
"Maloko? Parang hindi naman." She neatly placed the core of the apple back on the picnic basket. I watched her as she re-arranged the contents carefully.
"You have no idea."
Sighing, I thought about what her reaction would be if she finally found out about the heavy secret I've been keeping all this time — I'm getting married by the end of summer.
The way she told me she didn't think I'm full of mischief made my shame intensify and reach a whole different level. Last night, I was staring at the electronic ticket on my e-mail, contemplating whether I should cancel it, and stay here. Life in Daet, no matter how far-flung this city is, has been amazing so far. People are friendly, life is simple, the air is fresh, I get to be with my abuela and... I looked at Asheng sitting calmly next to me, humming an old song I already forgot the title of, and something inside me just melted.
She makes me feel like even when I'm a thousand miles away from home, away from the life I've grown accustomed to living, from the life that's waiting for me in Britain, I'm not astray. I am right where I'm supposed to be — next to her.
"Hindi ako naniniwalang maloko ka."
"My mother says I am. I got it from..." My smile wavered. "My father. I got that quality from my father."
"Where is he?" She asked, her features softening as she did so. "Is he in London, too?"
"He's away." I exhaled as I pointed upwards, to the cloudless stretch of blue sky. "Up there."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know."
"It's okay. Matagal naman na ang nakalipas. Everyone has moved on from his passing. 'Yun ang dahilan kung bakit ako matagal na hindi nagbakasyon o dumalaw man lang dito. I didn't think I was ready to see these happy faces who were once grieving from my father, tapos ngayon, lahat sila nakamove on na, lahat sila limot na ang mga alala ni Senyor Javier na minsang nagpasaya sa lahat sa pamamagitan ng mga biro n'ya."
"It still hurts, doesn't it?"
"It never stops hurting," I answered, heaving a sigh. I picked up a pebble from the side and threw it as far as I can into the calm lake causing ripples on the surface everywhere it bounced. I imagined the pebble carrying all my pain and bouncing them farther away from me. "What hurts the most is that I no longer remember his voice, his... scent. I no longer know the sound of his laugh. I have forgotten those things even when I didn't want to, even when I'm forcing myself not to."
"I would probably feel the same way if I lose either one of my parents. I admire you for being strong all these years, Vane."
"Thank you. I feel better already knowing that you listened."
"Would it make you feel even more better if I gave you a hug?"
"A... what?" Of course I heard what she said, but it was as if my brain decided to slow down. I replayed the sentence in my mind over and over again.
"Here." She stood on her knees and bridged the gap between us, locking me in a tight embrace, allowing me to smell her floral-scented shampoo. "I'm here for you, Vane. I'm not really good with words."
"A-asheng." My voice cracked. I never, not even once, cried over my father's passing, but this fragile moment I'm sharing with her is making me vulnerable all of a sudden. I wanted to weep in her arms and let her soothe me. I wanted to burst with all the years' worth of longing, of sadness.
When she placed a tender hand on my back and started stroking gently, a tear fell from the side of my eyes and onto her shoulder. I didn't know if she noticed it, but if she did, she didn't mind. I wrapped my arms around her, accepting her embrace and offering mine all the same.
A minute ago, my favorite feeling was the one I felt when I got my first big break as an actor — I was told that I passed the audition for the lead role. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride, happiness, and satisfaction. Now, that particular moment felt irrationably insignificant compared to this feeling of being heard and being comforted by her.
"Thank you, Asheng. This hug means the world to me."
When she pulled herself away, she had a concerned smile pasted on her delicate lips. She sat back down, cross-legged, on the checkered brown blanket we draped over the grass.
"You're welcome, Vane. Kung kailangan mo ng makakausap, lagi akong handang makinig. I-text o tawagan mo lang ako."
"Where have you been all this time?"
"Gumagawa ng tinapay sa bakery sa Manila."
Napawi ang katahimikan dahil sa malakas na tawa ko. This woman can just as easily switch my emotions on and off as if she was flicking on a light switch.
"Asheng, you astound me."
She only replied with a chuckle.
Tumayo ako at naglakad papunta sa tubig. May maliit na wooden bridge bago makapunta sa gitna nito. Nang makarating sa dulo ay inilublob ko muna ang mga paa ko at agad na napayakap sa sarili nang maramdaman ang lamig nito. Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto ay agad akong tumalon sa gitna at malakas na napahiyaw ng batiin ako ng napakalamig na tubig.
"Come join!" sigaw ko. "The water is amazing."
Pinanood niya lang ako habang nakangiti. Ikinampay ko ang mga braso ko palayo at pinalutang ang sarili habang nakapikit na lumalangoy.
The sunlight is hitting my face as I floated on my stomach and I knew it might leave a burn, considering I didn't put any sunscreen. If Luciana finds out, she will kill me. She said the face and the character work hand in hand to build a successful actor's career.
But what does it matter? I'm on vacation! I'm having fun.
A splash disturbed my peaceful thinking and caused half of my body to sink as I momentarily lost buoyancy. When I recovered from the surprise, I grinned at Asheng who was now swimming next to me. I relaxed back on the water and kicked my legs beneath in an alternating motion.
"Do you always swim?" tanong niya. Umiling ako bilang sagot. Noong nasa Spain ako ay puro ako trabaho the past few months. Ngayon na lang uli ako nakapag-enjoy ng ganito.
"No. Palagi akong busy before."
"Dito, wala kang trabahong iisipin. It's just you and nature."
I tried to swim toward her, but she swam away and left behind a series of splashes that hit my face. She laughed as she made her way back to the ladder connected to the wooden bridge. She pulled herself up from the water and sat on the first step of the ladder. Giggling, she pulled the scrunchie she had on her left wrist and tied her dripping hair into a wet bun on top of her head.
Lumangoy ako palapit sa kanya at huminto sa paanan niya.
I hoisted myself up and sat next to her, both of us dripping wet with all our clothes on. I have never allowed myself to feel so much enjoyment as I did now. I feel so carefree.
"Asheng?"
"Hmm..."
I have no idea if she feels the tension, or if I'm the only one feeling it. I took her hand again and when I looked at her, I saw the same look I probably have on right now. My heart started pounding with a different rhythm again, telling me to make the move. But what if she shoots it down?
What if she doesn't?
In the end, I decided that I won't make a move unless I know it's a mutual decision. I sucked in a nervous breath.
"Do you..." I didn't know how to ask. I never had to ask for it before. "Can I..."
She waited.
"Can I —"
"You can," she cut me off shyly. Her cheeks are once again developing a reddish glow in them. My nerves are starting to act up, numbing my hands and making the muscles on my feet tingle involuntarily. I decided to ignore them and focus on the stare she now had on.
I bridged the gap between us the way she did when she hugged me, only this time, there is much more contact.
When my lips touched hers, I fucking knew... not a single kissing scene I've had in the past held as much meaning as this one did. Everything else — except for this — have suddenly lost their relevance.
I wasn't lost, but somehow, in some way, I have been found.