Jessamine
The last lock of hair falls across my cheek and the maid steps away, letting me look at myself. To paint a picture of virtue, purity and submission, it is tradition that all unmated women dress in nothing but white to the Howling. No adornments, either facial paintings or jewelry. Nothing other than a plain, white dress, that hides nothing of our bodies underneath. Why wear so much when it gets ripped during the shift?
We may wear cloaks, until the main event starts, after which we shed them, sing to the Goddess, dance around bonfires with cups filled with liquor and bodies slick with heat. Then we shift and run into the wild, giving into the beastly side; becoming one with the air, wind, earth and heat.
We? Who’s we? I’m not even one of them, and I have a feeling I’ll never be. The possibility that my dress will be drenched in blood tonight is rather high, and not even the daggers I’ve strapped to my thighs make feel less vulnerable. Exposed.
Already, I can hear the beating of the drums, the enchanting music that makes my heart pound. I want to dance with them, twirl around the fire like everyone else, forget about the heaviness in my heart, the growing questions that keep me up at night. I want to experience for the first time, what it might feel like to truly…belong somewhere.
But I know Aldenwood isn’t the place for me to experience that. I look at myself in the mirror and my gaze flicks to the maid standing beside me, awaiting my verdict. Her skin, her dark hair and eyes, her scent—Neredian. Hell, I don’t even belong in this kingdom. How on earth did I think I would get its people to even accept me as Luna Queen? The odds aren’t even in my favour.
I raise my fingers to the curls framing my bare face, a soft contrast to the glaring violet of my eyes, and I smile a little, though it doesn’t reach my eyes. “It is beautiful. Thank you.”
She nods, and heads out the door. I hear her twist the door knob and she suddenly gasps. “Your Maj—”
I spin in time to see Kier wave her off dismissively. She hurries out, and Kier shuts the door behind him. He’s in a red tunic and black tailored pants that are tucked into knee-high boots. His hair is tied back from his face, and the angles of his face are awfully sharp tonight. Hazel eyes land on me and he halts, his eyes narrowing to my chest. I grab the cloak from the chair’s shoulder and wrap it around my body, covering my perky nipples from him. “Can I help you?”
He crosses the room and produces a vial from his pocket, dumping it on the table. I stare at the tiny glass containing a red, thick liquid. “Drink that right before the duel.”
“What is that?”
“My blood. Consider it a plan B. Should you not shift—”
“I already told you I can’t shift—”
He goes on like I haven’t said anything. “—it should help with the speed and strength, only to keep you alive until the fight is over. If, indeed, you do not shift, I’d strongly advice you yield and leave the field. And by doing so, you withdraw from the Selection.”
“So that you can banish me and mate with Moira who probably has the perfect past with no secrets?”
“I only say this for your own good.”
“If you even cared about me in the slightest, you never would have agreed to this madness.” I snatch the vial from the table and push it back against his chest stubbornly. “I don’t want this, or any form of help from you.”
He takes my hand and squeezes it around the vial. “I will not have you die on me, Jessamine.”
“Why? What do you even care?”
“I will not give you another reason to hold me down, even in your death. You will take this and live to leave. You think I’m mad because of your mother? No. this is all you, giving me a taste of what I can never have, despite knowing the truth that the moment you sit on the throne beside me as Madeline Everhart’s daughter, you put us all at risk. I have no fucking idea who she killed to have an entire kingdom out for her blood, but harboring a criminal’s daughter and mating with her is a call for a war I cannot afford. Within my kingdom and outside of it.”
“How will they find out if you choose to keep my secret?”
“How do you think mother found out? The rumors are spreading like wildfire across the borders. It’ll reach here in no time, and once it does, it’ll only be a matter of time before you are stoned to death on a ride out or accidentally trip and break your neck. ”
“Of course, and how do I know that those aren’t just your fantasies speaking?”
His grip turns painful and I wince as the vial cracks a little. “I want you, but I cannot give you what you want. You cannot be my Luna, and this has nothing to do with your status anymore. This is more for your safety than…in your words, my need to be seen as a good ruler. Leave at first light and never return.”
“I’m not leaving!”
“You’ll die if you don’t. I’ll be crowned tyrant if I kill to protect you and get beheaded like my father. The kingdom will be thrown into chaos and the rogues will take advantage of that. Making you Luna will set off an array of cataclysmic events that will only result in destruction.”
I snatch my hand back. “For me or for you?”
His eyes blaze with fury. “Have you always been this selfish? Blind to everything else but your own desires?”
“Says the man who’s condemning me to live out the rest of my years as a lone wolf, even if he knows loners do not survive out in the wild. Not to even mention a wolfless one!”
He bares his teeth at me. “Darrock or Lloyd. Choose.”
I blink. “Excuse me?”
“I spoke to both of them before leaving the castle. If you leave with Lloyd, he’ll take you to the outskirts of the kingdom, closer to the humans. You can live peacefully there. If you leave with Darrock, he will take you back to Dawn with him. He’ll give you his name and shelter in his manor. You would be the wife of a Lord Alpha there. You would be his Luna."
I stare at him, aghast. “And what in the world gave you the right to decide that for me? Who I should be with? Have you lost your mind? I don’t want Lloyd or Darrock. I want you. Only you!”
“You reach too high for the stars and you’ll fucking fall. This is the only way I can save you. You either take it, or leave it, but fucking decide before you enter the duel,” he growls and storms out of my room before I can respond.
***************
Where is my self-respect? I think as I shrug off my cloak. I must have left it behind in the Goddess’s lake. My fear? Oh, it’s right here in my heart. I can smell it. Everyone else can. They are cheering for the others and mocking me. Again.
They know the truth. I know it too. I can’t win. I look up at the moon and feel nothing. Eyes flash around me in varying shades of gold. I see fur on everywhere but my skin. The atmosphere is thick with the scent of smoke and arousal. Howls and excited roars mingle with the rhythm of the drums, whose beats sound in my belly.
Even now, my feet twitch with the need to…dance. The dance of death and foolishness. Mother wouldn’t approve.
But then, Mother said never to back down when I had a goal in mind. Never. Not even fear can could make me turn back now.
Someone grasps my arm, whirling me around. I see Lloyd. His eyes aren’t green anymore, and I feel fur on my wrist as he caresses it. “Don’t get in there.” He prowls closer, seemingly leaner and taller than usual. “Please.”
I try yanking my hand back, but he holds my elbow firm. “I’m not running away with you. Whatever picture Kier painted for you will never happen.”
A half smile plays on his lips, but his eyes are sad. “Would it be so bad?”
Something flickers in his eyes and I freeze at the emotion. He pulls me aside as someone shifts beside me, his clothes ripping and flying everywhere. “I—”
“No,” I whisper, shaking my head. “I like you, Lloyd, and you’ve been wonderful to me, but you and I will never be together like that. Don’t ruin what we have right now by telling me you’re in love with me. I won’t feel guilty for not feeling the same way.”
Lloyd stares at me, rings of gold flaring in his eyes. He cracks me a smile I’ve gotten used to over the years. “Well, that was awkward.” He rakes his furry fingers through his blonde hair that has grown longer too, and his expression turns solemn. “I don’t want you to get hurt, Jess, but I know better than to try sway you.” He takes my cloak and pats down on my hair, ruffling it. “I’ll be right here, rooting for you like I always have. You change your mind, call my name in there and I’ll come get you. I promise.”
As I watch him walk away, there’s a familiar heat prickling the back of my neck. I ignore it and pull two daggers out of my thigh. For the first time in my life, I pray to a goddess in a different land that my insanity doesn’t become the end of me.