I feel a little giddy. Happy even. It has nothing to do with the engagement, and everything to do with meeting back with the King later to read another page from mother's journal that has nothing to do with me finding sex toys.
We have finally found level ground and it feels like we're bonding. I feel good about it. He stayed in my room all day, settling in my bed as he read page after page to me. He asked me why I couldn't get along with Nymeria, and I told him everything. His expression seemed to change, but it was so brief, I thought I'd imagined it.
I fell asleep at some point, and woke up tucked in, a pillow underneath my head and an odd warmth on my forehead.
I'm on top of the world, walking on the freaking moon and not even Nymeria or her mother's blatant look of hate could bring me down from here.
Okay, maybe that isn't all of it.
It could also be the wine. I mean, it's absolutely delicious. I had no idea something so sweet could make me...drunk. I really should have listened to Darrock and stayed away from the wine, but how the hell was I supposed to get through the engagement without thinking about Kier?
It was a long, arduous process of spewing lies in front of the Goddess, and locking lips--because that was all it was.
Admittedly, I did feel a little hot. A little. In my defense, Darrock's lips are devilishly seductive, and I'm pretty sure nearly all the women in court know that, judging from the way they watched us kiss with disgustingly dreamy gazes.
Then, in an almost human fashion, he'd slipped a ring onto my finger. They adopt those sort of traditions here. No crests. Rings. Every time I stare at the ruby, I laugh. Even if nothing is funny. I'm very drunk.
"Having fun?"
I turn from where I snatch another brimming glass, and Nymeria's eyes are narrowed at me, her fingers wrapped around a glass of hers. "Well, that makes one of us."
"Hey, sis," I beam, leaning forward, and I almost stumble into her. I gasp, peeking closely at her hair. "You know, I'm older, but you could pass off as my grandmother. I wonder if all that hate is sucking the life out of you."
She freezes in place, a variety of terrible emotions flickering across her face. But she smiles instead, and it resembles a sneer. "I made a few friends in that horrid place you used to live. Want to hear what they told me?"
I sober up pretty quickly. Or not. Maybe I'm just starting to feel the first signs of anger towards everything. "I couldn't care less about Neredia." I even manage a big smile. "I'm more interested in exploring things with Darr. You know, bedroom stuff. I'd tell you, but you probably already know." I giggle. "He's great, isn't he?"
She isn't so easily distracted. "They say the Alpha King has never looked happier in his life. They say every night, the damn castle shakes so hard, they have to take cover. They say..." she licks her lips, and leans in so close, I pick up the scent of lavender off of her. "... it's possible he's put a little prince in her already. Sad, no? You can't really trust these men..."
I stopped hearing her at little prince. My fingers curl around the glass, and there's ash in my mouth. Was this before or after he told me he missed me? Is she lying to me? Why did I get engaged to Darrock if Kier's happy with someone else? What was all of this for anyway? Why do I constantly do this to myself, making crazy ass decisions for a man who doesn't give a shit?
Laughter claws its way from my insides, fighting until it is a cackle. Nymeria pulls back, staring at me like I'm insane. Oh, she mustn't know me very well.
I tip my glass back, downing the contents of my drink in seconds. Then I reach for hers. "Can I have that? I'm parched."
She smiles, delighted. "Of course, you need it more than I do."
I take it. She's wearing a lovely dress. It is white. What a shame.
I flick my wrist so fast, there's no way she can dodge it. The drink splatters, on her face, on her bodice, down the layers of tule. Maximum coverage. Lovely. The music in the background stops, and people gasp.
I'm cackling even harder now, because she looks so pale, she resembles a jellyfish. "How pretty."
Nymeria looks mortified and I know it takes all of her training in court to not stab me in the heart with something. Anything. Maybe I want her to. It does hurt. A lot. Darrock is immediately by my side, pulling me away from her. "Hell, Violet. Why does everything about you have to scream 'trouble'?"
He says that, but he's hiding a smile, and I don't know how to feel about that. I force my gaze forward, away from me as he pulls the glasses from my grasp. All I see is disapproval. I can even hear it, coated in venomous words that wrap around my throat, suffocating me.
They say I'm disgraceful. They whisper about the King's insanity, crowning me as heir. They talk about my mother. They say such horrible things that I wish I couldn't hear. They say they'll never accept me, and I belong with the peasants who beg on the streets. They say they are scared of me. My instability could push me into killing them all one day.
Shame creeps up my feet, joining me with the ground, and I don't move from there. I can't move.
I stare at Nymeria. She looks oddly comfortable with the turn of events, and I wonder if she knew I would react this way, and sabotage myself. She sketches a mock bow and lifts her soiled dress as she walks down the carpet, eliciting a lot more whispers of how unkind we must be treating her.
She's about taking the steps up to the dais when King Hunter says raises a hand. All fall silent, and it lack of noise causes an ache in my head. My vision blurs a little, and Darrock's hands clasped firmly around my shoulder when I lose my footing.
"Move that here," he says to the guards on either sides of the dais as he points at the smaller throne that should be Nymeria's.
Nymeria is still at the bottom of the dais. "Father, why is my seat being moved?"
The King looks bored, his head propped on his fist like he's half asleep. When his eyes lock with Nymeria's, the air seems to tighten, a chilling cold freezing us all in place. He's angry with her, I realize. It's nothing recent, and I know it has nothing to do with her cutting my hair at night with daggers. It's something deeper, and I can't even begin to imagine what she must have done to earn such a terrible emotion from him.
"It was never your seat, Nym. It's your sister's. You have expressed in several ways possible that you abhorred the throne and the responsibilities that came with. The council decides they do not want an heir that cannot be relied upon. An heir that flees from her responsibilities..."
His words blur together in my head, because I'm suddenly feeling nauseated. My dinner is rising up my belly and my fingers clutch Darian's sleeve tightly, just in time for King Hunter to look in my direction and say, "Jessamine, take your seat."
I squint up, swallowing the wine. I want to tell him that it's a terrible idea, but he looks so hopeful and Darrock, ever a darling, is already walking me forward.
One step up the dais and my insides twist. I swallow a gag. The next step and I'm twisting as fast as I can, covering my mouth.
Darrock cusses, lunging for me, but he doesn't catch me in time and my knees slam into the marble, my stomach giving out on a pair of lovely shoes.
A horrified shout cleaves the air, and I hang my head in shame, prepared to faint in my own vomit if it means I don't have to face what I've done.
But I peer up, and Queen Tara's blue eyes are scary as hell. She looks from my face to her soiled shoes, stands, and leaves through the entrance behind the thrones.
I look at the King and grin, soiled lips and all. He doesn't smile back, but his lips twitch. I suppose he approves, even if everyone else doesn't. That, is oddly enough for me.
********
"She acts like a toddler," Raya huffs, dumping me on the bed. "No one likes her. I can't even be seen with her. She really shouldn't drink so much if she can't handle it."
"That should be my concern, not yours," Darrock says, pulling the sheets up my chest. I shiver. My hair is damp and the wind is colder than normal. I have Raya to thank for cleaning me up. She practically bathed me. It wasn't painful, but it was awkward.
"Can't even brag about being her sister-in-law. She keeps doing the craziest things. Now they tag you as mad, too," his sister whines again, like she's been doing all night, and I take a different pillow to cover my ears.
Her voice dies out for a moment as I drift off to sleep, but my moment of peace is interrupted when Darrock takes the pillow gently from my grasp. It's just us. Raya has left.
I turn my head slightly, blinking up at him. "What? You're tired of me now? Will you nag me too on the proper way to behave?"
His red eyes glare at me, and he sits beside me, slipping his fingers under my head so I'm resting in his lap. "At this point, I'm sure you'll never listen to anything I say."
My eyes feel heavy, and I close them. "Wow. You're smart too. A plus for me, I guess."
"You don't think you could like me even a little, Violet?"
"Maybe when you start calling me by my actual name."
"Jessamine."
"Shh. I'm trying to sleep."
He scoffs, and I suddenly feel his breath tickling my nose. I open my eyes and narrow them. "If you kiss me again, I will pull your eyelashes out."
His stomach shakes with laughter. "Why are you always mean to me?"
"Where, in our agreement, did it state I had to be nice to you?"
Darrock sighs heavily and rests back against the headboard, folding his arms behind his head. "Starting tomorrow, you will be included in meetings with the council. You will meet all the Alphas and their Betas. You will speak with the Elders. You will train, harder than you already are. I suggest you take things a little more seriously. It's fun watching you, but humour doesn't rule a kingdom. You have no idea what your father goes through everyday, trying to defend you."
I arch a brow. "Do tell."
He pauses, thinking. "He attends the council meetings with a nocked bow. No one dares speak your name."
I chortle, sitting up a little. "Really?"
"Craziest thing I've ever seen." He glances at me. "But it's only a matter of time before the people start to talk. Don't put him in that position for too long. He's patient with you, because he loves you so much. Don't abuse it."
He stares at me too long, and something in his gaze shifts, the intensity of it suddenly overbearing. "I think..." He touches my collar, folding it properly, and his fingers trail to the skin of my neck. "Maybe I do like you, Jessamine. A lot."
I stare at him, unsure what to say.
"We could salvage this. I could try to be a little less selfish. Maybe. I could...let myself be a hopeless romantic like you. Would you like me better then?"
My head is spinning again. "I--I--I c-c--"
He touches my temple, and I flinch. His hands feel wrong. He drops them, his lips tightening. "He will not come here for you. He's not going to make that sacrifice. You're with me now. Forget Kier."
That was not the right thing to say to me. I'm not sure why everyone thinks it's easy to just...forget. I told no lies when I said I loved the idiot. You don't give everything for one person, spend a few weeks away or get rejected by them and suddenly forget them. It doesn't work that way. It hurts, and on some days, I feel like dying.
Just because I'm trying to have a life outside Kier doesn't mean I don't have those feelings anymore. Just because I'm hurt and hate him doesn't mean I don't turn to a poodle when I think of the first time we kissed.
I'll manage my feelings. Contain them. Discard them. In time. It'll get better. Lighter. But no one should dictate what I should or should not do with my memories, my hopes, my dreams.
"Goodnight," is all I say, turning on my side, away from Darrock, and closing my eyes.