Jessamine
I chuckle. "This is your new ploy to get rid of me? I refuse to believe you're stupid enough not to notice when a man isn't being honest. There are always signs. I refuse to believe you would sell your family out for a man's attention. And it's highly unlikely that Rogue King Atticus would cross into our borders without being detected, and all to seduce you. You must think me a fool. What might you say next? That I should come with you so that you can murder me and hide my body?"
The moment the words leave my lips, I feel terrible. She's what? Eighteen? A child. I stare at the wild panic in her eyes and her small, trembling frame, and there is a war going on inside me. A war between that side of me that wants to look past how terrible she has been to me, and the part of me that wants to damn her to hell.
Nymeria falls back by a step, red-rimmed eyes squeezing shut. "I didn't want to come to you. I don't even like you. But I had no choice. If I told anyone else, they would take advantage of it to get in father's good graces. Or insult him and my mother. Either way, it'd end with father ripping my head off."
A bitter laugh slips past her lips as she opens her eyes. "In case you haven't noticed, he only loves you. Had this been your mistake, he would have overlooked it."
I scoff. "It could never be my mistake. If I chose to have sex with a man and have his child, and he rejected me after that, I would kill him and bathe in his blood."
She stares up at me like she's seeing me for the first time, and I shrug. "And you're wrong. Father loves you. He worries for you all the time, and if what you say is indeed true, he's not going to rip your head off."
Nymeria starts to vibrate with fear. "You don't know him like I do. Father has no patience for betrayal."
"Yet, he didn't kill you when you lied to him about my death."
"I will not apologize for doing that," she seethes. "My life has been one hell after the other since I met you."
I give her a blank look. "Well then, you clearly don't need my help." I wave her off. "Leave. I'm busy.'
"Jessamine--"
An amused laugh shakes my stomach. "Oh, I'm not peasant anymore? Or a wench? Oh, what's your favourite word..." I make a show of thinking and snap my fingers thrice. "Ah, yes. Whore. Since you are apologetic about your actions with me so far, I will remain unapologetic towards your..." My eyes drop to her stomach. "Situation." I turn back to my dresser. "Have a lovely evening."
Nymeria rushes forward, taking my hands. "Please."
Who would have thought she could talk to me like this? Plead even? How rich. I turn to her. "So, you need my help with what exactly? Breaking the news to Father?"
"What? No," she rasps, staring at me incredulously. "I need you to...stand in for me with the royal physician. To get a tonic that gets rid of my mistake. He won't let me have it without yours or father's approval."
"There are no tonics to rid pregnancies. They're harmful and illegal, banned in both kingdoms--"
"I couldn't care less! Regan has it. And...and" she yells, frustrated. "I just want it gone!"
I stare at her. She looks to be breaking down. What would sisters do in this situation? Shall I pat her down on her back and tell her it'll be fine? Should I do what she wants me to do? Father would never forgive me if something happened to Nymeria.
She's worried about what he'll do to her, not even thinking of what Atticus might do with the information he learned from her. If she isn't lying, then she's put my life in danger. And Father's. Goddess, how could anyone be so naïve? Was I this naïve with my first love, Kier? It's disgusting.
"I'll think about it," I tell her after much thought. "And you should too. The Goddess frowns upon such acts. It might come with consequences--"
A sneer curls on Nymeria's lips. "Well, the Goddess and her consequences can go fuck themselves."
How creative. I nod calmly. "I'll call on you later to explain precisely what information you've given out to Atticus. And everything you've learned from him."
***********
The only free seat is beside Darrock. And Kier.
They are both staring at me. Hard and intense, as I approach the table. Nymeria has gone rigid, her gaze darting from mine to Father's, like she expects me to snitch on her.
I will, eventually.
Darrock and Kier jump up their feet the moment I draw closer to the table, their hands reaching for my chair to pull it out for me.
Awkward.
Father's eyebrows shoot up, amused, but he says nothing. Darrock growls in warning at Kier, who looks like he's seconds away from tearing his head off. All that's left is a rule, so they can both measure their...well, you know.
I ignore Kier, tracing the length of Darrock's arm with my finger and I lean in close, pressing my lips underneath his ear. "Thank you, Darr."
He stiffens, his breath hitching, and I wonder at the sudden spike in his heartbeat and change in his scent. The sound of a chair scraping back and forth pulls me back and I know Kier's seating.
I slide into my seat gracefully, leaning back enough for Kier to see the hand I've placed on Darrock's thigh, caressing it as the maid's pile my plate.
He doesn't touch his food. No, he doesn't look to be breathing at all, and I wonder why his fork is now broken.
"For how long will you be joining us, King Kier?" Queen Tara asks, cutting a piece of meat neatly in her plate and she places the piece on Father's plate without looking.
She does that every time they eat. Absentmindedly. Then she turns to him and smiles sheepishly, turning the same shades with apples when he thanks her politely. I've seen her act giddy when he invites her out for a ride. I've seen her pull out threads from his coats, only when he's not looking. I've seen her add more food into his plate when he turns away, and every time we both fall asleep in his study while working, she tiptoes in and puts a pillow under his head.
Queen Tara loves my father, and it must hurt to know she's unable to compete with a dead woman. All of that anger and frustration, she channels it towards me. Because I'm the constant reminder of that woman.
She is kind with everyone else--even the maids--but me.
It'd make me feel terrible, if I cared. Because I don't. This past month, I've learned that not everyone is like me. Just because I care and make sacrifices doesn't mean I get that same treatment. So, why bother? If she's going to be bitchy with me because of situations that are definitely out of my control, then I have no problem returning the favor.
Kier hides his bleeding hand under the table. “For as long as I need to convince your king’s emissary to fight for my cause.”
The Queen nods. “And what is the progress with that? Some say the princess is stricter and less open-minded towards strangers than her father is. You might find little luck in that department.”
“I noticed,” Kier says tightly, and the muscles of his neck look like they’re about to pop.
I’m just going to eat my food and pretend they are not talking about me.
“I find it endearing that you left your people,” Darrock starts, turning his head left and I am staring intently into my plate, nibbling gently on the meat. “despite the chaos you claim is happening. Who looks after them? Or are you just confident that there will be no attacks while you’re here? Why not send your emissary instead?”
Kier’s eyes bear into the side of my face, even if it’s Darrock he is responding to. “My Beta takes charge in my absence. He is quite efficient.” A little pause. “As is my Luna.”
My fork dings upon my plate unintentionally as I cut up another piece neatly, shoving it into my mouth even if I’ve lost my appetite. I chew slowly. Breathe slowly. Blink slowly. Anything to look bored and unbothered.
“Ah, yes,” Darrock beams. “We heard of your…union. Many congratulations.” A large hand lands on the skin of my thigh, exposed through a high slit, warming me. I tense, but I remain perfectly still as Darrock says, “Jessamine and I will be wed in a few weeks. I look forward to it—experiencing the marital bliss you do.”
I force a blush into my cheeks and a small giggle. The spoon breaks and Kier hides it, but not before I see it. I laugh harder for absolutely no reason. I feel him staring at him, and unwillingly, I turn my gaze to meet his for the first time since I came into this hall. The emotions in his eyes steal my breath and his voice drops into my subconscious, “Are you happy?”
My smile shakes, but I don’t dare let it drop. “Of course, I am.”
His eyes search mine for a moment, and the rest of the world dissolves into dust. “You lie. Only I can give you that.”
“All I see is a bruised ego and an entitlement that stinks.” With that, I shove my mental walls back up.
Kier rises, inclining his towards Father and Queen Tara in a curt nod. “Thank you for hosting me. Dinner was amazing, but I’m afraid I must call it a night. It was a long day.”
The hall is silent for a while after he leaves, and my emotions are tumultuous. No one notices. I’ve gotten better at hiding them. Darrock keeps caressing my thigh softly, and I swallow my snarl. At some point, I’ll have to surrender to him in bed. At some point after our wedding, it’ll be expected of me to birth his heir. At some point, I’ll have to let him touch me.
I only wish it didn’t repulse me to think of it.
“When do you leave for Neredia, Jessamine?”
My gaze lifts from my plate. “What?”
Father’s blue stare is unwavering. “It is your role as my emissary to assess Neredia’s suitability for an alliance. You do not make any decisions without valuable insights.”
My jaw clenches. “We do not need this alliance—”
“That is for me to judge, after you gather the necessary information. If our help could save the lives of thousands, then we cannot dismiss it merely for an inner conflict between you and the king. I taught you better.” His gaze is empty, but I feel his displeasure.
Shame causes me to drop my head. “I apologize for the bias in my judgement.”
Father cocks his head at me. “Is there a reason why you do not wish to go, even after your ban has been lifted?”
I can’t—I am unable to respond. There is too much to say, to many emotions threatening to explode from inside me—none that I can allow. “None, other than the fact that he hasn’t yet produced a significant reason as to why we should be his allies. You put me in charge. I ask that you trust me to handle this.”
Tension hangs in the air as we stare at each other. After what feels like a million years, father nods. “Very well. I expect that you report back to me tomorrow.”
I start to nod when Darrock suddenly says, “I could go in her stead.”
Father’s look is scathing. “Do you wish to say that my daughter is unfit for the role I have assigned her?”
Darrock’s hand has gone ice cold on my thigh. “No, Your Maj—”
“Why? Would you like to go and bring back another missing daughter of mine?” Father and Darrock have both being on shaky ground since that incident. He hates that Darrock took advantage of the situation to force him into agreeing to a union between us. He doesn’t like Darrock very much. More simply put, by bringing me back and telling the court what he did, Darrock fell out of grace with Father.
“I apologize—”
Father waves him off dismissively and turns to Nymeria. “You have been noticeably absent from court, and more times than I can count, you have stood up the Alphas you have been arranged to meet with. Where, pray tell, do you spend your days and nights?”
The hall has become noticeably hot. Everyone is squirming in their seats as Father’s aura becomes unbearable.
“I’ve—I’ve been…I—I didn’t—”
“Have you lost your ability to speak, Nymeria? Shall I arrange for tutors to fix your speech?”
Goddess above, he’s mad. He’s mad at me and he’s projecting. Why is he mad at me?!
“Hunter, please—” Queen Tara starts, but Father holds up a single finger, hushing her. She turns red and her glare at me is lined with silver. She knows this is because of me, but even I can’t tell why. I didn’t do anything, and he seemed fine when dinner started. What changed?
“I—I’m s..sor..sorry—”
Father wipes the corner of his mouth, drops the cloth on the table and rises to his feet. “You will be confined to your room for the next month. Your tutors, the meetings and dates with the Alphas will happen in your receiving room. You will have no visits, unless they are approved by me. You disobey me again and I will not ask your consent or your choice in the matter of who you will get married to.”
He leaves, and I follow him. I’ve never seen his this mad before. He ignores me for the most part of the walk and then, halfway across, he whirls around, his blue eyes stormy. “And when exactly were you going to tell me Kier was your mate?”
I blink. “How did you—”
“Your scents have mingled. It’s imperceptive to the rest, for now, but I could smell it all the way from my seat.” He looks hurt. “Do you still find it difficult to talk to me, Jasmine?”
He tends to call me that when he’s very emotional. I swallow, hard. “No, Father. I just…I don’t want to talk about it. Or think about it. The memory hurts and I’d prefer to keep it in the past. Surely, I can make that decision about my own relationships.”
“You must know mating with Darrock will do nothing to take the hurt away.” His lips tighten. “I don’t want your life to be like mine. Empty. Unhappy. A yearning that never leaves. A devastating hunger that can never be quenched. When it eats at you every day, there’ll be little else left but pain.”
I smile a little. “That’s not true. You love me. That speaks volumes about how much love you have left in you to give. You love Nymeria, and you may not show it, but you even care for Queen Tara. I’ll be fine. I will be happy, without Kier.”
For a moment, he just observes me. His hand rises and rests on my head. “You, like me, are a terrible liar.”