Candace
Two days later, Ingrid chatters about a music discussion she had with some Lilywind noble as she, Finn, and I head to the rejuvenation ritual. I want to listen. I really do. But my eyelids droop, my muscles burn, and it's taking all my concentration to keep my skirt from dragging in the mud after last night's rain. Every night, I have the dream. Sometimes more than once. Every night, it's the same, and it always wakes me up. Between that and my burning mark, I'm surprised I'm getting any sleep at all. At least the cool, slightly misty air makes it unpleasant enough out here that I'm at no real risk of falling asleep.
We take our usual places behind Raven, Estrella, and now Kieran at the center of the crowd. Kieran holds the jug. Magic exhaustion slows Estrella's limbs, and Raven looks like she's about to pop. Yet another companion to my late, lonely nights are her soft groans from the tent nearby as she struggles to get comfortable around the swelling balloon of her stomach. I don't think I've seen her without a frown in days, though she always tries to speak nicely. I can't resent her slips. My patience is quickly wearing out too, and I don't have a little person dancing a jig on my insides.
Slowly, the rest of the crowd gathers. Every day, it's a little smaller, but I haven't yet seen a ritual without at least one representative of each kingdom. At this point, it's mostly a blessing and promise, a few hours later, that some far away part of Escuro has sprung back to life. There's a feeling in the air like the end of a ball, when everyone is waiting for the clock to strike midnight so they can go home. And midnight-in this case, the equinox-is fast approaching. That's what drags my gaze across the crowd to where the group from Snowcrest Canyon always stands.
As always, I see King Andri first. With his height, his hair, and his scowl, he's impossible to miss. Next to him, I spot the bright red of Eva's curls. We've spent much of the last two days together, and my stomach still twists every time I look at her. Mother's words ring in my head, and visions of war dance behind my eyes. But even that has nothing on the heart-pounding panic of looking for Hollis next to them.
There he is. Half-hidden behind his father, looking drowsy but present. After his comment about the future, I didn't think we would ever speak again. I certainly didn't intend to speak to him. But then he found me, and we went on a walk. He didn't say a word about our future until the end. He didn't say a word about our relationship. I just saw glimpses of the person in all of Eva's stories, the one I watched walk through the halls of Solberg Castle laughing with her. And as he was leaving me back at my tent, he peeked up through his soot-colored eyelashes and said he didn't want to talk about the future then. No promises, not even an apology, but my heart melted. I didn't grow up around my brothers not to recognize the closest a man like Hollis can come to an apology. So I decided to enjoy our time and wait. Clearly, he's willing to change. He just needs time.
Like every other morning, the soldiers roll out Rowena's prison wagon. Goosebumps cover my skin, and I slide past Ingrid and Finn to put as much space between us as possible. Ever since Hollis caught us, it just feels too dangerous to go back. I'll handle the dreams and my worries about Hollis on my own. Apparently, he's been looking into who might start a war, and the idea of telling him it's me makes me want to go lie down until the equinox.
"Good morning," Raven manages, leaning heavily on Kieran's arm.
"Good morning," Estrella says through a yawn.
"As our work stretches on," Kieran says, "my lady wife has decided to open the floor for who might give a blessing. After all, we're all here because the revitalization of our world is important to all of us, and the Goddess bestows her blessings equally."
A spring bird sings a mating call. No one raises their hand.
"Anyone?" Kieran's voice goes a little tight. "There are no wrong words."
'If I have to ask again, one of you is volunteering,' he says through the mind-link. Judging by Finn's and Ingrid's reactions, they received it too.
Still, no one answers. He starts to open his mouth. I scrape together a few shreds of confidence to give the blessing I seriously doubt my younger siblings will volunteer for.
"I will." Mother's voice, louder than I've heard it in a long time, echoes from within the walls of her prison wagon.
"No-" Kieran starts to lurch forward, but Raven grabs onto his arm as she tips without his support.
A wind whips up, blotting out the sound of his voice. Mother said something about her powers, didn't she? But this is impossible. She's never been able to move more than a few sheets of paper with her wind.
"I would like to thank the Goddess," she says with a laugh in her voice, "for my backstabbing children. The eldest, who overthrew me. The second, who turned his back on his kingdom. The two youngest, who hide behind the shield of their older siblings to excuse their actions. And most of all, my bastard daughter, Candace."
My stomach plummets. Whispers ripple through the assembled crowd. Someone shrieks, "What?" and I'm worried it's me.
The wind grows. "Not a drop of Solberg blood runs through her veins. Not even a drop from Dun's Crossing. My dearly departed Gavin was off on some campaign of violence when a charming rogue whose name I don't even remember sauntered into the castle."
My world narrows to the patch of grass directly at my feet. If I don't look away, I won't collapse. There are footsteps. More conversation. People are shouting, but I can't hear anyone other than Mother.
"Oh, Gavin was furious at first." She sounds delighted at the prospect. "Until Fleming declared I was going to give birth to a little bitch, and I reminded Gavin of the blessing and curse of his line-all sons." She laughs. "A girl would secure alliances without all the blood he so loved to splash around in. Of course, the bastard couldn't even do that correctly. She-"
Mother's words cut off abruptly with a rattle of wood on metal. Dimly, I become aware someone is holding my arm. Ingrid.
"It's okay," she whispers. "You're okay." Over and over again, like a mantra. Like four simple words will be enough to change the fact that my whole life is a lie.
I am not a princess. I'm not my father's daughter. I am all my mother and some stranger. Some rogue. I'm an embarrassment to Kieran's reign, to the whole family. What will this mean for Ingrid's prospects?
Where will I go?
"Shut the fuck up," someone growls.
My head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds, but I raise it anyway. My beloved patch of grass disappears from view, and I look at the wagon. All my favorite guards crowd tightly around it, but there are others. Kieran-one glance at the center of the clearing shows Raven clinging to a wobbling Estrella-Anwen, Finn. And the owner of the voice that made me look up, the only spot of green in the silver-and-blue fray. Hollis, hammering on the door to my mother's wagon, attempting to silence her.
Why? He never really liked me in the first place, and now I'm less than nothing to him. A stranger at a royal celebration.
Ingrid squeezes my arm. "I don't care what she says. You're my sister, and I know everyone else feels the same. That's why they're over there, why Eva sent Prince Hollis."
My stomach churns. I can't listen to her now. Quiet falls, but not really. Every other delegation murmurs amongst themselves, amongst each other. I can't make out words, but I don't need to. They're all looking at me. Pity, embarrassment, and disgust blur in their gazes.
Rogues vary wildly, but I've never heard about them being particularly cruel, just selfish. Which means all the cruelty I spent years honing to a fine point and wielding over the castle doesn't come from some inescapable biology. I may have gotten some from Mother, but I chose it.
I sink to my knees in the mud. I'm the same monster I thought they were. An intentional one. No excuses to hide behind.
The murmuring grows. Ingrid tugs on my arm, saying something about getting out of here.
A scream rends the air. Pure, animal pain. My thousand-pound head twists toward the new sound.
Raven crumples out of Estrella's grasp, cradling her stomach. "I'm going into labor."