DEIRA
The first thing Makayla asked when I picked her up from school was the first thing Makayla asked every day.
"Mommy, how were the flowers today?" I smiled at her and said the same thing I said back to her every day.
"The flowers were beautiful, baby." Ever since I'd started my second job at the floral boutique, Makayla was obsessed with the flowers there. She wanted to know how they were doing, if they were growing, and who had come into the shop to buy them.
"So, nobody bought the whole shop today?"
I don't know why, but she was obsessed with the idea of someone buying the whole shop as a big romantic gesture. She must have seen it in a movie somewhere, probably one of Dani's beloved rom-coms that were far too mature for her to be watching. I'd explained to her frequently that it was really rare for that to happen in real life, but she liked to check every day, just in case.
I strapped her into her seat carefully before heading out on the road.
"Do you have work tonight, too?" she asked.
"Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. I wish I could stay home and hang out with you."
"I wish that, too. Am I going to Miss Carol's or Aunt Dani's?" Miss Carol was the elderly woman across the hall from us that adored Makayla.
"Aunt Dani's tonight. She said she's buying pizza. How does that sound?"
"Delicious!" Makayla proclaimed, though maybe with a little less enthusiasm than I expected. I glanced over at her, and she was staring out the window. Even though she was only five, she was such a pensive kid. I knew when she was staring out the window like that, she was mulling something over, and she'd eventually ask me about it.
Sure enough, a few blocks from Dani's place, she turned to me.
"Mommy?"
"Hmm?"
"Is it bad to only have a mom and not a dad?" The question hit me like a sledgehammer. I'd expected to have a talk like this with her someday, but not when she was this young.
"Of course, it isn't! What made you think that?"
Makayla just shrugged. "I heard some kids saying some stuff, that's all. They said there were things only a dad can teach you."
I pulled up in front of Dani's apartment complex and turned off the car.
"Doyouthink there's things that I don't know how to do?"
Dani looked over at me and considered the question.
"Yes. But... They were talking about sports and building stuff. And you know how to do those things."
I internally breathed a sigh of relief.
"And fixing the internet." Makayla frowned. "That's dumb, right? Of course, moms can fix the internet." She brightened up. "I'm going to tell them that my mom has a blog on the internet,andknows how to build shelves!"
There was a sparkle in her hazel eyes when she said that, like she'd just accepted a challenge. I thought about how if her dad was in her life, she'd know where she got those eyes from-but I didn't say that out loud. Instead, I said, "Hey, you know there's lots of grownups in your life that love you, right? Me, and Miss Carol, and Aunt Dani, and..."
"I know, Mom," she said, exasperated because I'd told her so many times. "And if my daddy knew about me, he'd love me, too. You'vetoldme." How could a five-year old sound so much like a teenager? "Oh, there's Aunt Dani!" Dani saw our car and came down. She was standing in the door of the building and when Makayla saw her, she quickly unbuckled, opened the door, and jumped down. She turned back to grab her bag and blow me a kiss before shutting the door. "Bye, Mommy. I love you!"
I watched her hop up the driveway and into Dani's arms, and got overwhelmed with gratitude for the fact that yes, she truly did have people in her life that loved her. I waved at Dani and shouted a thank you to her before driving off.
I checked the time. It was the start of evening rush hour, and I just barely had enough time to get to my next job. I'd been working there for three years, but they still glared at me if I clocked in even a minute late. I checked the traffic on my phone and changed my route. Even with worries about the traffic, my mind couldn't help but wander back to that conversation with Makayla.
It wasn't technically speaking a lie to tell her that her father would love her if he knew about her. After all, there was no reason he shouldn't. True, I knew nothing about him but what he was like in bed-surprisingly, not a very helpful thing if you're trying to track down the father of your unplanned baby. But even without knowing his name, I felt confident that he'd love Makayla. Maybe it was because of the way he looked at me right before he fell asleep that night.
His face and the feel of his hand in mine were imprinted on my memory. I still thought of it sometimes when I was trying to fall asleep. Lying alone in the dark, I remembered what it was like to lie next to him, his steady breathing and body heat a comfort even though he was basically a stranger. I never talked about him to anyone, not even Dani. It was kind of embarrassing to think that just one night from years ago still had such a grip on me. It didn't help that Makayla sometimes looked like him, that she definitely had his eyes. Every once in a while, I couldn't stop myself from imagining a world in which he was around, taking care of us, taking care of me.
That kind of thinking was pointless, though. And what he was or wasn't to me, or to Makayla, didn't matter. No matter what he'd been like, I would have lied to Makayla and told her that he would have loved her. She only deserves good things as far as I was concerned. That was part of why I was working my ass off, bouncing between two jobs. That was why, despite the fact that Makayla would proudly tell anyone that listened about my blog, I hadn't written a post in almost a year. Life was too hard right now; finances were too tight. If I had to choose between my dreams and my kid, she won every time, no question.