“I… haven’t cried since that night,” I sobbed. “I try not to think about it. But every night, it all comes back to me… when I sleep, the nightmares haunt me. Sometimes, I was scared to sleep at all.”
Hunter reached out for my face. I took his hand and guided it so he could touch my cheek. His touch felt warm against the cold, dead skin of my scar.
“This scar was not supposed to remind you of what you lost that night. It was supposed to remind you of what your mother gave up just so you could live,” he said in a soothing, calm voice.
I shook my head. “I hated her for it. How could she leave her little girl behind? We weren’t rich but we were happy. And I had everything I ever needed. Now… I have nothing. Just my aunt, who was too young to raise a kid on her own.”
Hunter touched my scar again.
“I look monstrous,” I muttered.
“I’m sure you look tough.” He gave me a reassuring smile.
My tears subsided and Hunter released my cheek. He turned to the direction of the lake. He heaved a heavy sigh and said, “My mother found out that my father was having an affair. She had been drinking when she picked me up from school. Then she started crying in the car, telling me bits and pieces of how my father had been cheating on her for years. She lost control of her emotions. Unfortunately… she lost control of the wheel, too.”
“You were in the car with her?”
He nodded. “I lived. She died. I wish I did too. There was nothing left for me here. A few months after my mother’s funeral, my father proposed to his mistress and brought her home. Now, you see… how could I come home? I could not… would not… bear to be under the same roof as my father and his new family. I came to this town because my uncle lived here. And he told my dad about this place. They figured it would help… fix me.”
“Did it?”
“Not even a little bit,” he chuckled humorlessly. “And honestly… I just lost the will to try. The perfect family I once had was gone… but not before I found out it wasn’t really perfect after all.”
“Do you blame her?” I asked him. “Your mom? For what happened to you?”
Hunter fell silent for a while, contemplating on his answer. “It was easier for me to blame somebody who was there to hear me curse and whine—somebody I could punish. So I never thought about blaming my mom for what happened to me… to us. Because none of it would have happened… if my father was not cheating on us in the first place.”
“I haven’t thought about my mom in a long time,” I admitted sadly. “I didn’t know whether I should thank her or… blame her. Love her or hate her.” Tears rolled down my cheeks again. “All I know is that… I wish she never left me. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to cry. But I’m getting tired of being strong sometimes.”
Hunter nodded. “I know exactly what you feel.” He felt for my hand and gave it a squeeze. “Allison… you can be weak here with me. And I would never judge you or expect anything from you. Know that the things you feel about losing your mom… I feel the exact same things too. So you don’t have to worry. You’re on friendly grounds here with me.”
I smiled and I wished he could see it. It had been a while since I talked to someone who understood me… it had been a while since I felt like I really had a friend.
“Thank you,” I whispered. I leaned my head on his shoulder and I felt him put his arm around my back. I did what he said. I allowed myself to be weak… even for just a little while.
The next day, I asked Meredith to bring me back to the center. She was more than happy to oblige. She must have noticed something different in me yesterday. Sure, my eyes were swollen, but I did feel lighter. Slowly, I was able to face my demons. I was able to unload a little of those suppressed emotions… the emotions that prevented me from functioning properly and looking at life positively no matter how many times I tried to smile or laugh and say that I was okay.
When I hopped off the car and entered the grounds of CMC, I immediately walked to the path that led to the garden I shared with Hunter. When I got there, I was surprised to see that he had a basket with him and a guitar case.
“What’s all these?” I asked.
“Figured I was starving you, sitting here all day. So, I thought we should have some sustenance,” he replied, grinning.
“And the guitar is for?”
He shrugged. “I haven’t…” he trailed off. I figured that he meant that he hadn’t played the guitar since his accident. He wanted to give it a shot today.
As I looked at Hunter’s handsome face, looking lost and confused, I thought that if only I could make him find a reason to live each day of his life, I would feel okay. I would probably gain back a little of the light I thought I lost. He didn’t deserve to be in this institution. He belonged in school, with pretty cheerleaders swarming in his circle, hoping to catch just a little of his attention.
“I’m starving,” I said. I opened the picnic basket, took out the cloth and placed it on the table. Then I took out the sandwiches and the bottles of water and cartons of juice he brought. “Who fixed all these?”
“I’m friends with the chef,” he answered. “He’s the only one who kept me happy in this place.”
I laughed. “I could understand that.”
“What did he put in there?”
I recited the contents of the basket as I took them out. I pulled out the last piece of item. I was surprised to find that it was a rose. I sucked in a deep breath.
“What is it?” he asked.
“A… flower. Rose to be exact,” I replied. “I think… he’s mistaken this for a date.”
Hunter fell silent for a while. Then he said, “Yeah. I didn’t ask, so it isn’t a date.”
There was an awkward silence that followed. I looked at Hunter and his face looked a little flushed. I haven’t been on a date before, and my mother never lived long enough to talk to me about it. Meredith wouldn’t know how to talk to me about boys. She didn’t even know how to talk to me about my mother. Imagine her opening up a topic about the birds and the bees!
I placed a box of apple juice and a sandwich in front of Hunter. “Bon appétit,” I said.
“Merci. Toi aussi.”
After eating, I fixed the table. Hunter tried to help, but I told him to stay put.
“Allison…” he started to argue.
“Hunter!” I said firmly. “You don’t have to prove anything to me. I am not judging you. I don’t pity you for not being able to move around as much as you possibly can. The only thing that I feel sorry for is… that you can’t see what a beautiful piece of heaven this place is… and I will always be thankful that you shared it with me.”
He fell silent. He drew in a deep breath, as if he was contemplating on arguing with me but decided not to. “Alright. Whatever suits you,” he murmured, finally leaving me to clean up the mess and putting the items back in the picnic basket.
“So… what’s with the guitar?” I asked. “You play before?”
He nodded.
I took the case and opened it. I found a beautiful guitar with a combination of black and violet gradient prints. I took it out and sat beside him.
I started strumming and then blending the strings to make sure each gives out the right sound.
“You don’t forget how to play,” I said to him. “Music comes from the heart. And your hands… know exactly what to do, even if you cannot see the strings.”
I started plucking the strings and produced a steady, melodic sound. Again, I remembered my stepdad. It was one of the things he taught me. Our favorite bonding moment would be to play guitar together.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I played our favorite piece.
Cats in the Cradle.
It was a difficult piece for me at first, but I got better with time. Like Hunter, I haven’t played the guitar since my stepfather lost his sanity.
Hunter listened to me intently. I didn’t sing. I just let the music take over my hands… the way I told Hunter to let it take over his. I was afraid that if I sing, my voice would tremble and I would start crying uncontrollably.