Lydia
I loved snow. Big fat flakes that were heavy and damp enough to stick together, the type that crunched under your feet and made it easy to build snowmen, or the gentle dusting that was lighter than air and blew off rooftops in clouded flurries. It was a mix of both outside and it looked like a winter wonderland.
One of my strongest memories of my dad was him taking me and Danielle to Michigan for a job interview. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember what city we went to, I just remembered the snowbanks that felt like they were a million feet tall and Danielle layering my pants so that we could go out and play in the snow while we waited for dad to get back to the hotel. He showed up and surprised us with a toboggan, Danielle had cheered for us while we went sledding on a nearby hill.
I would have liked to be able to share this Christmas with him, especially with the pregnancy, but even more so because of the wedding. I pressed my free hand to my stomach and rubbed it absently, just quietly enjoying the gentle flutters that had recently started. Dad would have been excited for me, I thought wistfully, he probably would have liked Pat a lot.
The guys couldn’t feel these little flutters yet, it was a little disappointing to grab one of their hands and have them shake their head with a sad face. Dr. Auyeung said it wasn’t likely to be the baby moving yet, it was still a little soon, but I could still feel something. And she also wanted me to stop panicking when I did feel it because I was beginning to clutter up her voicemail with my concerns.
Dad would help calm me down too.
I took a deep breath and got up off the lounge chair to take my now empty plate back to the kitchen. The holidays made me emotional, emotions made me eat, eating made me fat, and being fat made me hate myself. My relationship with food wasn’t the healthiest, but I had my own coping mechanisms, and I promised to keep my kids in therapy so that I didn’t inadvertently force my problems onto them. And unlike Danielle, I would still love them if they gained weight. I was probably also going to have to stop using “fat” as a derogatory word though.
With the dish I the sink I began cleaning up the kitchen, putting away breakfast stuff to distract myself until Allie called. Jon and Patrick were out skiing, we all had breakfast together before they went to hit the slopes, now I was just finishing off the leftover shredded hash browns and eggs. I was happy to stay inside and eat while they were gone, there were no hard feelings, though I would have liked to see them out there. Maybe next time.
Maybe. If it wasn’t grossly cold.
I stood in front of the sink with my hands braced on the counter while I admired the view out the kitchen window. Ice crept across the windowpanes, giving the snowy backdrop an extra cold feeling despite the bright sun. I stayed like that for several minutes, watching two cardinals flick back and forth between the trees until I heard my phone ring.
It buzzed across the oak coffee table angrily several times before I answered it.
“Merry Christmas Eve!” I greeted.
“Merry Christmas Eve!” Allie cried into the receiver. “How’s Colorado?”
“Amazing.” I flopped onto the couch that faced the fireplace and floor to ceiling windows. How could anything be less than perfect here? “I feel like I’m living in one of those Christmas villages from a hallmark movie.”
She laughed. “So, it’s gaudy and over the top?”
“Just like me,” I replied. “How’s Fiji?”
“Dude, I’ve had pool boys more ripped than Channing Tatum delivering me cocktails all day, how do you think it is?”
I laughed and tipped my head back, staring up at the exposed beams along the roof. Maritza had stolen Allie away for Christmas on the Bower family yacht. They’d both balked at the idea of going somewhere colder for the holidays and politely turned Jon down on his offer to come to Aspen. While I would never say it to Jon, all three of us girls had instantly recognized him trying to steal his daughter away from her mom over the holidays. Mari didn’t mind, she’d just booked the yacht and told both parents that she was going on her own vacation instead.
Personally, I was glad to be in my own little holiday village with the guys, and I was sure that Mari and Allie were both thrilled to have extensive alone time.
“And how’s the wife?” I asked. “I haven’t heard much since the dinner.”
I could hear Allie ordering another drink before she replied, “Oh, she’s fine. Her and James Spader are still in a weird place, but she actually sounds happy to talk to him later. I think the distance is doing her some good.”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me do it.
Allison and Maritza had known each other for longer than I had, owing to Michelin and Christine being good friends when they were younger. My bestie’s relationship with the other girl ranged from simple pining when we were teens, to drunken one-night stands that ended up in screaming matches as adults. I didn’t understand it, especially because Allie could be extremely judgemental about money and how someone spent theirs. Mari wasn’t exactly known for making a dollar stretch, she took her super yacht to Fiji for fucks sake.
But for one reason or another, they had ended up together again and again. It was just about a year and a half ago that I accidentally caught them hooking up in France. Who knew how long they had been secretly canoodling?
However, I couldn’t resist poking at the weirdness of the situation. “You know, if mom had actually adopted me and we were like, legal sisters, and you married Mari, that would make you a sister-in-law to my kid, and an aunt.”
There was dead silence until her monotone voice broke through. “Hey, Dia?”
“Yeah?”
“Shut the fuck up.”
I broke into a wide smile that I couldn’t stop, and it took everything in me not to laugh at her. “Come on, you have to be able to laugh about it.”
“I’m too busy laughing at you getting pregnant right before all the fun holidays and not being able to do anything,” she taunted. “No champagne on New Year’s, you can’t go sit in a hot tub – which is half the fun of going to Aspen, and a completely dry Halloween.”
It did suck. Majorly. I wasn’t an alcoholic, and although I was questioning Pat’s relationship to booze, I did feel a little disappointed that I couldn’t indulge myself for special events. A lot disappointed really. However, the disappointment was pretty much completely overshadowed by my excitement at being pregnant.
“You’re just jealous that I’m making a human,” I said, tracing my index finger over my stomach. “A whole ass person. It’s trippy to think about.”
“That’s why I don’t think about it, I like to leave the mysticism intact.”
“We’re going to have so many traditions to teach him,” I continued. “Decorating the tree together on the first, and the caramel corn recipe…”
“Dad watching It’s A Wonderful life three times?” she reminded me.
Once during breakfast, again around dinner time, and a third closer to midnight. I didn’t know why Lewis liked it so much, but it was now an integral part of the holiday.
“Here’s hoping the guys aren’t thoroughly annoyed when I play it at least twice tomorrow,” I said with a chuckle. “Are you and Mari doing presents tomorrow or have you done them already?”
“Oh, we did one each today but we’re doing the rest tomorrow. Mom wants me to FaceTime her so that we can do it together.”
“Same, but I already told her that I might just video call her afterward so that it’s less awkward. You’re totally gonna love what I got you though” This was my time away with my boyfriends, as much as I loved Michelin, I wanted to focus this time on each other.
“Yeah, I feel that you know she’ll get all weepy – she always does. You got the package from her, right?”
Wrapped in a metallic red wrapping paper with a candy-cane-shaped name tag that said “Dia” was a present from her carefully tucked under the tree.
“It’ll be the first thing I open,” I promised her. “Do you have mine?”
“Yup, it’s front and center. I can already tell that neither of us stuck to the agreed budget.”
“That’s true—” The lock rattled and I broke off. “I think they’re back, mind if I call you back in a few minutes?”
“Tomorrow,” she agreed. “I have super-secret plans with Mari in a bit and I don’t want to be interrupted.”
“Alright, have fun, love you.”
“Love you too.”
We said goodbye and I tucked my phone into my pocket while I waited on the couch.
“—terrible,” Jon finished, his voice carrying through the entryway. “How do you grow up doing all that travelling and sightseeing and still end up being a shitty skier?”
“I never get to do it!” Pat defended. “I haven’t had time to get back on the slopes in years, some prick made sure I was too busy to have fun.”
“Sounds like a real asshole.”
“Oh, he is.”
I’d never rolled my eyes so hard in my entire life, they were absolutely ridiculous at times. Jon was laughing loudly when they made their way into the living room and grabbed Patrick by the side of the head, pulling him in close enough to give him a kiss on the cheek. They were both still in their ski pants – Jon in navy blue with a fat white stripe up the side, Patrick in neon orange with black accents.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Pat greeted with an inviting smile. “How was your morning?”
“Hi, sweetheart,” Jon mimicked in a high-pitched voice.
I gave him the finger. “Mine was good, I just got off the phone with Allie.”
“Perfect, just in time for a late lunch.” Pat pushed off the shoulder straps of his pants and groaned, rubbing his arm. “I landed on my shoulder thanks to some dick coming at me out of nowhere—”
“He was right in front of you,” Jon interrupted. “And he was there the entire time, unless you’re blind then you can’t use him as your scapegoat.”
Patrick glared at the older man before excusing himself to the bedroom to find the Voltaren. Jon finished getting undressed while I watched, practically drooling over myself at how well the turtleneck and leggings hugged his body. He turned back to me and I held my arms outstretched to him, he smirked and came over to sit next to me on the couch.
I covered both our laps with the tartan blanket and snuggled into his shoulder.
“You weren’t too lonely without us?” he asked softly. “We didn’t want to stay out too long with you here.”
I shook my head against his arm. “No, it was kind of nice just to have the place to myself for a few hours, and I got to finish off breakfast, so that made it worth it.”
“Good.” He loosened my grip on his arm and wrapped it around my shoulders instead, pulling me into his side. “Are you feeling better now?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, it was just a little jarring this morning, that’s all.”
My weigh in this morning had culminated in tears over gaining three pounds. Patrick had been the one to walk in on me blotting my eyes and the two of them needled me about it until they finally left. It was hard to explain to them that I was struggling without sounding like I was on the verge of a relapse. I wasn’t, I knew I wasn’t, but they didn’t know that, and all they saw was my distress. Dr. Auyeung understood, she was the one I had discussed doing weekly or monthly weigh-ins with to help keep me from sabotaging myself. Honestly, I would have been fine and they wouldn’t have even found out if I had gotten myself cleaned up faster.
“Pat will help keep your mind off things later,” Jon promised. “What did you get up to while we were gone?”
I made to respond, but Pat beat me to it. “She raided my luggage,” he complained as he came back into the living room. “I’m missing a pair of sweatpants and a pair of socks.”
“I took the socks,” Jon said, sticking out his foot. “I couldn’t figure out which one of my bags had mine, so I just stole some of yours. You can have them back if you want.”
Patrick sat down on the recliner next to me and popped out the footrest. “I don’t want those back, you can keep them.”
“Can I keep your sweatpants?” I asked, flashing him my pant leg. “They’re just so soft…”
“No, you can’t keep them!” He rubbed his cheek tiredly. “You go shopping every day and yet you still end up stealing my clothes…”
“Yeah, because yours are comfy and they smell like you. I can’t get that at the store.” His Creed cologne was unforgettable, the sandalwood and verbena mix was deep and tangy and his clothes always smelled like it. Jon liked to mix his up, sometimes he wore Patrick’s, but not often.
“I’ll start wearing your clothes before I go out then,” he continued. “Make sure they have my sweat on them before you get dressed for the day.”
“Just as long as you don’t stretch out my dresses,” I warned. “I have to replace enough of them because of you guys as it is.”
Jon scoff and gave the strap of my tank top a gentle tug. “Don’t tell me that you’re complaining about that already.”
“Oh, I am.” I shot Patrick a withering look. “I’m sick and tired of stepping on zipper pieces and buttons.”
“That’s how it is then?” he demanded. “You’re just going to bitch about us wanting to be with you?”
I rolled my eyes and tossed my hair back. “Yeah, do you have a problem?”
“Yes actually, I do.”
He got up quickly and I giggled as I rushed to get up from the couch too, only to be jerked right back down by Jon. I fell back onto his lap and before I knew it, Pat was on top of me, amber eyes blazing and a wicked grin taking my breath away. It wasn’t long before I was lost between them in a flurry of hands, kisses, and discarded clothes.
We spent most of the late afternoon like that, in a sweaty pile on the couch while the fire burnt itself out. Later on, I made dinner since the two of them were virtually useless in the kitchen without constant supervision, but it felt nice to still be all together and have them there to fill the silence. Instead of eating in the dining room, we brought the food to the coffee table and set ourselves up around the TV to watch Love Actually while we ate. I didn’t question Patrick for his strange choice, but I did think it was cute that it was his go to movie for the holidays.
He seemed to take a lot of private phone calls throughout the evening, whispering into the receiver and telling Jon that everything was still a go. Jon just told him to have fun and took up a spot on the end of the sofa with his iPad, I was instructed to go get ready because Pat and I were going out.
“You’re sure you’ll be alright while we’re gone?”
Jon glanced up from his device and smiled reassuringly. “I’ll be fine, dove. I’m just waiting for Maritza to call any minute now.”
“I just wanted to check.” I fiddled with the sash on my red wool jacket while I stood there awkwardly. “Do I look okay?”
Jon set the iPad aside and pushed his glasses up, clearly realizing I wasn’t letting up until I was out the door. “You look beautiful, and I meant what I said – I’ll be fine.”
“It’s just that it’s Christmas eve and I don’t want to leave you here alone…” I trailed off and shrugged, now focusing my attention on my rings instead as I twisted them around. “I guess it just feels mean, that’s all.”
“We left you to go skiing for several hours, it’s only fair that you get to steal one of us now, and besides…” He got up and came around the coffee table to pull me into his arms. “We can’t do absolutely everything together. That’s also what we talked about, having that alone time with each other.”
True. The stretchy fabric of his shirt was soft, I toyed with it, trying to straighten it out around the collar. I would have liked to have a night in, in just our pj’s together. “We haven’t had alone time in a while,” I remarked as casually as I could.
“You and I are spending the day together next week, just you and me, no Patrick.”
Patrick would be going with Charles to do god only knew what, Jon was coming with me to my fitting and then he and I would have dinner together. Michelin had been upset to find out Jon was coming with us but she was starting to understand that there were differences in my relationships, and this was one thing where I wanted Jon. Plus, it was driving Patrick up the wall knowing that Jon got to see the dress before he did.
Jon took my face in his hands and gave me a quick kiss. “Go,” he ordered. “Have fun without me. You’re allowed to.”
I laid my hands on his, we stood there like that for a moment until he gave me another quick kiss and went back to sit on the couch again. I watched him get all settled in with his feet on the coffee table, not seeming to care at all about my going out. With a dramatic sigh, I headed off to the entry way and get my boots on while I waited for Patrick.
He wasn’t long, barely a minute later he came jogging out to the living room while buttoning up his sweater. “Sorry,” he said, grabbing his own boots. “Mum and Nora called to say merry Christmas, I told them we would call when we got back. I hope you don’t mind.”
Nora and Lucy had flown back to France for the holidays, I was sure Pat missed not being there with them, but I was glad to have this time together. I gestured to the door. “That’s fine with me. Are you ready?”
“Of course.”
He called back to Jon that we would be back in about an hour and half, we both waved to the older man before stepping out into the cold. I glanced up as we made our way down the path, admiring the crystal-clear night sky and the way the snowy branches framed the twinkling stars. The cold was deceptive, it seemed fine until a gust of wind tore straight through my jacket like it was nothing.
“So where are we going?” I asked as he led us down the winding driveway, hand in hand.
“On a walk.”
“To…?”
“To the end of the driveway.”
“How romantic.”
He glanced over at me with a wide grin. “I think I’m pretty good at this whole romance thing.”
I scoffed and grabbed his arm, trying not to laugh while I hung off of him. Patrick kept me steady while we followed the path back to the main road, we leaned into each other for support, but I was more worried about falling than usual. Or fainting. Fuck fainting.
The trees and shrubbery opened up as we reached the end of the driveway, just as we came around the bend, I came to a sudden stop that had my mouth hanging open. In the middle of the road sat a large white sleigh with gold brushed baroque accents and matching legs. Up front sat a man holding the golden reigns of two beautiful white horses that wore bells on their harnesses. On the back, attached to large iron hooks were two brightly lit lanterns that matched the ones at the front beside the driver.
Patrick ignored my shock and pulled me toward the sleigh.
“Have you been around horses before?” he asked while gently petting one.
“No,” I managed to squeak out.
They were huge. Were all horses this big? These guys were the same height as me – one of them was taller.
“Here, just be gentle.”
Patrick guided my hand up to pet its side. It was incredibly soft, and I almost felt bad for touching it’s beautiful white coat, I didn’t want to dirty it.
“That one is Jilly,” the driver explained to us. “She’s a sweetie. It’s Kimber over here that has a bit of an attitude problem.”
“I think she and I would get along,” I replied with a relieved laugh. “They’re so beautiful…”
“They’re shire horses,” the man continued. “One of the most beautiful breed if you ask me.”
“They are,” Patrick agreed. To me directly, he continued, “I was hoping that after the baby was born, I could take you riding sometime.”
I side-eyed him with a faint smile that he matched. “I think that sounds nice.”
He leaned down and kissed my temple. “It wasn’t a dirty joke, I really meant it.”
I laughed and pushed him toward the sleigh so that we could get in. Powder blue upholstery made of crushed velvet made the seat extra soft, like sitting on a cloud. The bench itself was also very wide, giving us lots of space to get comfortable. Pat unfurled a small fluffy blanket from the floor and spread it across our laps just before the man urged the horses forward, and we were pulled along the snow-covered road.
We moved from the road down to a path into the woods that was lit by tall vintage streetlamps. I was completely at a loss for words, I couldn’t even imagine trying to get this set up, and the fact that Pat had done it just for the two of us had me tearing up. I hugged his side tightly as a single tear rolled down my cold cheek. His hand rubbed up and down my back the entire time, just reassuring me that he was there.
Around us, the world was perfectly still. The small pond behind the house was frozen over, the wind had died down, and the only sound in the woods was the jingling of the horses bells along with the gentle crunch of snow under their hoofs. The branches on the giant trees were heavy with icicles that glittered in the light and hung low around the path, lining our way.
“Pat,” I whispered, looking up at him.
He glanced down at me and smiled as he reached out to cup my cheek. In the glow of warm lamps, he looked infinitely more gorgeous than I had ever seen him before. There were hints of red in his hair, a warmer, almost chocolate brown tint to his eyes. All the months we’d worked together and I’d never seen him look so relaxed, so happy. All the months we’d been in a relationship and I’d never felt as in love with him as I did at that moment.
“Don’t cry, kitten,” he whispered. “I did this all for you.”
“I know—” I broke off with a sob and buried my face in his shoulder, sniffling into his green peacoat. “Ohmigod, I’m such a crybaby…”
He broke out laughing and just held me while I attempted to contain myself. There was no other man as patient as he was, not even the one waiting for us at home had that talent, and one day I would do something to truly deserve having either of them in my life.