Lydia
I’ve never cried so much in my life as I did on our wedding night. There was so much love, excitement, people to dance with, and a million other things to do.
I changed into a white beaded slip dress with a slip up the leg for dancing, somehow I knew I wasn’t going to be sitting much after dinner. With my hair down, my shoes off, and the pounding bass, Allie and I had found ourselves in the center of the dancefloor for most of the evening. The Killers came on and I didn’t have anywhere else I wanted to be but with her in the middle of all our friends and family, making an ass of myself to songs we loved as teenagers. And even thought Patrick didn’t let me use the song as our first dance song, he still let me have my Labyrinth dream moment when he requested As The World Falls Down for us to slow dance to.
Every second of the evening was amazing, I must have danced with everyone at least twice. Jon would butt in, steal me away from whoever was leading me around the dancefloor just to hand me back off to Patrick when he was done. When they were both done with me, they would dance with each other. It felt like it was never-ending in the best possible way. The evening just kept going on, with groomsmen giving speeches, Michelin and Lewis toasting us, and so on. The sun was coming up by the time the last of the guests finally trickled out of the greenhouse and I was in search of the shoes that I had abandoned hours ago. Taking them off at the time seemed like a grand idea, but now that we were supposed to go back to our room and wake up early for the plane, well, it seemed less smart.
“Did you find them?” I asked Jon as I rubbed my face tiredly.
His jacket laid over the back of his chair, his hair was a tangled mess, and I had no idea where his bowtie had gotten off too. He glanced up at me and frowned. “Find what?”
“My shoes, you were supposed to be helping me find them.”
“Oh, I forgot.” He laughed and leaned back in his chair. “I’ll buy you some new ones, now come sit for a minute.”
He was incredibly drunk, I could smell it off him already, but his flushed cheeks and messy hair were also a dead giveaway. I couldn’t fault him too much and I wasn’t really that invested in it anyway, so I took a seat on his knee and laid my held on his shoulder while Patrick gave Nora a kiss. She hugged him tightly once more before pushing him off towards us. Lucy was waiting close by to finish wrapping things up after we left. Celestyn had left the party hours ago with her nurse. We would see them back to the house in the morning to make sure they got settled before we left, but I was impressed with her for lasting as long as she did.
Patrick sauntered over with his shirt half unbuttoned and his jacket stained and discarded on the table. I wasn’t sure who spilled the wine on him, but I didn’t think he was particularly worried about it. He reached for us as he got closer and I held out my arm so that we could all hug for a moment before he sat on the table in front of us.
“I think we have a honeymoon to get to,” he said with a soft smile. “Are you two ready to get out of here?”
“Very,” I answered, ruffling Jon’s hair. “But I’m still shoeless.”
“How about I carry you to the suite one last time?” Pat asked.
I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to my feet as fast as I did after those words left his mouth. The guys laughed and got up with me, suddenly Patrick’s arm swept under my legs and my arm went around his neck. I felt like a queen as he carried me out of the orangery back to the main house, even though he complained the whole way about how I was going to throw his poor back out.
Jon gave Pat’s shoulder a reassuring rub while we made our way down the corridor. Little lanterns guided the way cast dancing shadows that made me feel like I was in a dream, even as I glanced back at the greenhouse, I was sure this wasn’t entirely real, but when I squeezed Patrick and clung to him, he didn’t even flinch. Maybe it was just my own dream then, and they’d just help make it come true.
Days and nights after the wedding were just as magical as the day itself, the Hawaiian backdrop to our honeymoon made me feel more relaxed than ever, and the pictures of me in a bikini showing off my baby bump had me feeling like a supermodel. I even turned off my phone and refused to do anything that didn’t involve the guys. It was everything I’d hoped the Bahamas would be and more, it was exactly what we all needed after the hell of the last ten months. In a way, it was hard to believe that we’d been together almost a year and were already married. It felt simultaneously like a lifetime of being together, and barely any at all.
Pat opened up a lot more while we were away and finally came right out to ask how we would feel about Celestyn staying with us permanently. Jon and I told him that we never actually thought she would be leaving anyway, so it was a non-issue. Patrick teared up, I had to admit that I did too, but that’s just because I’m a crybaby and seeing my husband all weepy was difficult.
When we all returned home, things didn’t really get back to normal, they turned into our new normal. Our new normal was preparing for the baby and relaxing. I’ve never had so much time off in my entire life as I did then and I was hellbent on enjoying it. Jon and Pat met up with their friends more frequently, they even convinced Ike and Eloise to buy a house in our community and I got to host them for dinner. I might not have been the best in a country club environment, but apparently I was destined to become a topnotch host for dinner parties.
“I guess they didn’t need to turn a ho into a housewife,” Elle had teased me while helping chop veggies. “They get both at the same time.”
I couldn’t agree with her more.
As things settled into place, we helped Maritza and Allie move into Jon’s old apartment, and I began taking birth classes and preparations more seriously. The master bedroom was technically “mine,” but it was for all three of us, it was just that when the baby arrived, I would be the only one sleeping in there. We all had our own bedrooms now, places where we could go if we needed a night alone, but mine was specifically because none of us were keen on the idea of three to a bed plus the baby in the same room. Jon despised the idea of co-sleeping altogether and turned his nose up at the co-sleeping bassinet that I got for the baby shower. I loved it, but I also understood why he wasn’t sold on the concept.
We had an assortment of medical supplies delivered to the house and I spent a lot of my time in the nursery, usually sitting on the window bench seat while writing. Celestyn liked to sit with me while I did that and she would crotchet a small afghan for the baby. She had admitted to me that she found our relationship strange and somewhat confusing, but she never spoke out against it. I think she was just happy that we all wanted her around. I liked feeling like I had a grandmother for once, and I hoped that she would get to meet her great-grandbaby in the future.
I was sitting in the nursery admiring the teddy-bear blanket that Jon had carefully laid in the crib when my water broke. I was exactly four days early, and barely a week away from the launch of my book. We’d known for about two weeks that I was going into labor soon, my belly had dropped, and I could almost feel it in my body, like it was preparing me for the event. The midwife had known too and assured me she would be ready and waiting for my call. Jon was bursting with excitement and helped me to the bed while Patrick had a meltdown on the phone with my mom. I could almost hear Michelin yelling at him to get it together until she got there, but it didn’t appear to stop him from going into full panic mode.
I sat on the disposable paper sheet and focused on my breathing, Celestyn appeared in the doorway merely minutes later and soon joined me, gently rubbing my back while she hummed. She promised me that she delivered her children at home too, it made me feel a bit better about my chances of surviving this, which I was suddenly sure was not at all possible when I started thinking about big a baby actually was.
“Does it still feel normal afterward?” I whispered, clutching her arm tightly. “You know, like, down... there…” I can’t believe I just said down there. Am I two?
I glanced over to make sure the guys hadn’t noticed me – I did not need to be made fun of about that question. Celestyn chuckled and brushed a hand through my hair. “It goes back to normal after a little while. When you do get back into the swing of it all, keep some olive oil on hand. It’s very helpful.”
I decided not to tell her that the modern world had access to lube of all varieties and instead just focused on the fact that my nether regions should definitely go back to normal. Hopefully. God willing. I should get the rosary from Jon…
The one thought that kept coming back to me as I waited for my midwife and Michelin was that Danielle had done this alone, completely alone. Her parents had kicked her out when she told them she was pregnant, and dad was at work when he got the call. She said they couldn’t afford for him to miss his shift and so he came as soon as he was done work. I had to wonder what that was like, to be completely alone and to go through this experience as a teenager. In the back of my mind, the thought of calling her lingered – but I didn’t act on it.
I held onto the hands of my husbands, I focused on my breathing while Celestyn dotted on me with a cool compress, and I was enveloped in the same love that our child would grow up with. This was everything I had ever wanted – a stable home and growing family. The things that had consumed me growing up and that I saw as the pinnacle of happiness, the things I never had.
My midwife, Agatha and her assistant, were there in about thirty minutes and Michelin was close behind. The sound of the door hitting the wall downstairs made me flinch, but seeing my mom in the doorway with an armload of snacks, a newborn onesie, and flushed cheeks instantly made me reach for her desperately. She shoved past the men and threw her arms around me in a hug that made me feel like the scared teenager I was when I turned up on her doorstep.
“I’m here,” she whispered fiercely. “You’ve got this, Dia, I know it.”
I sniffled and nodded against her shoulder. “Mom, I’m scared,” I choked out. “I don’t know if I’m ready to do this anymore.”
“It’s okay to be scared,” she soothed, holding me tighter. “You don’t really have a choice about being ready though, I can’t sugar-coat that.”
I buried my face into her shoulder and let myself cry for another minute. All the love in the room didn’t make up for my dad being gone, it didn’t fix my relationship with Danielle, and while I was excited to meet my baby, I was also terrified of the road ahead.
Jon’s family had a history of heart disease and his parents died relatively young – what did that mean for us and our child?
If the worst happened and I didn’t make it, what would the men do?
What if I became like Danielle?
The questions lingered in my mind long after Michelin helped me lie back in bed while Celestyn used the rolling pin on my back. The physical pain of labor, the contractions, were almost numbed by my fears, but I was still thankful that they were trying so hard to make me more comfortable. Eventually my tears dried and all that was left was to wait.
It felt like hours of waiting because it was, a total of nine hours once all was said and done. It was nice to be able to have so much control, to be able to get up and pace around my own house, to be able to shower at the five-hour mark when I felt disgusting and the warm water was soothing.
Patrick was on edge the entire time, and no amount of reassurance from Michelin or Jon was going to change that. He seemed to hover over me when I was up walking around, clearly afraid that I was just suddenly going to give birth in the hallway. I hoped that he would calm down because his fears fed mine, but I didn’t want to push him away because he and Jon made me feel safer.
I felt the sudden pressure, the need to push and immediately called for Agatha who got me back in bed where I was most comfortable. Pat, at that point on the verge of a severe panic attack, was quietly excused from the room by Celestyn who looked both amused and exasperated. I couldn’t really blame either of them, but I gave Pat credit for putting on a brave face when I first told him about the homebirth, I just wished he wasn’t convinced that this would be the death of me.
“I’m still here, dove,” Jon murmured while I squeezed his hand. “And he’s right there too, just in the hallway. We’ve got you.”
“I know,” I said through the tears, my voice strained. “But if I get permanent nerve damage then it’s all your fault—”
“There won’t be any nerve damage,” Michelin soothed. “You’ll make it through this, Dia.”
It felt like a hundred thousand people were touching me at once, it was too much, and I shoved their hands away when Agatha encouraged me to start pushing. They stayed close to me, offering encouragement and comfort when I most needed it. The pain was indescribable, and I knew my screaming reflected that, but it was only seconds before it was over. An eerie sort of silence hung in the air as I fell back against my pile of pillows and drew in a shaky breath. The silence remained unbroken while I stared up at the spinning ceiling, wondering if something was wrong before I realized that Jon was cutting the cord and suddenly a small, naked, and screaming infant was laid on my chest. A little boy, just like I said. William.
Tears blinded me as I clutched him to my chest, sobbing while I held him there and felt the relief crash over me in waves. He was here, he was safe, and he was perfect. With a little patch of dark hair and splotchy, red and white skin, he was everything I had dreamt of and more. Except for his cry – it was an awful sound. I wouldn’t have called him cute either, I actually laughed because he was just so ugly with his squished face, but that didn’t matter. He was healthy, he was loud, and he had all his fingers and toes. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.
Jon petted my hair, gently pushing the sweaty locks away from my face while the midwife covered me in a warmed blanket, distantly I could hear Patrick enter the room again. There was a lot of talking, people going back and forth, but it was all background noise while I snuggled Will, kissing his tiny fists and watching intently as he started to blink and open his eyes for the first time.
“Is he everything you wanted?” Jon whispered to me.
I nodded and sniffled as another wave of tears overtook me. It was hard to believe I had any left. “He’s our little boy,” I whispered. “Do you want to hold him?”
“Of course I do.” Jon reached for him, and it hurt to hand him over. “Hello,” he cooed down at the squirming bundle. “I waited a long time to meet you…”
Weight sunk the bed to my right and I turned to see Pat sliding in beside me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me to his side. I leaned into him, nuzzling his shoulder and fighting the sudden urge to sleep for an eternity.
“Kitten, I’m so sorry,” he apologized hoarsely. “You were so much stronger than I gave you credit for, I’m sorry I wasn’t in here with you.”
“That’s okay, my body feels like I got hit by a truck,” I replied sleepily. “I don’t know about strong…”
He chuckled and bent his head down to kiss my cheek. “You were, trust me.”
We laid there together and I watched Jon rock our son for a minute longer before bringing him back over to me. I took him back without asking because I wanted him to myself.
“Do you have a name for him?” Agatha asked as she laid out some of her equipment from the bag.
“You told us you had one picked out already,” Jon pointed out.
“William,” I said without a second thought. “William Edward James Harris.” Edward was Jon’s middle name and the name of his father; James was the name he really liked. I didn’t see a reason for him not to have all three.
“Do you think you can really scold him with his full name when it’s that long?” Pat teased.
No, but I didn’t have a rebuttal, so I just stuck my tongue out at him while Will let out another squawk.
“I like it,” Jon said. “Little Will.”
Little Will. I smiled to myself and gave his small swollen cheek a gentle kiss.
Paperwork was filled out by the men; Agatha measured him and took all his vitals. I found out he weighed eight and a half pounds and came in at just about twenty inches long. He was also very loud when he didn’t like something, like the stethoscope, which made my heart and ears ache. He also struggled to latch when she was teaching me how to breastfeed, and once he did, I wasn’t producing enough for him.
“The important thing isn’t the method,” she assured me as she mixed the formula together. “It’s only that he’s fed. There’s no need to feel bad about it, it’s actually very common and that’s okay.”
I did feel bad though, there was a feeling of defeat that came with knowing I couldn’t provide for him the way that my body was supposedly designed to. But I forced myself to be positive, to try and remember that he could still get what he needed, and maybe with time I could get to a place where he could depend on me instead.
“Allie didn’t breastfeed either,” Michelin remarked as she helped me get Will to take the bottle. “He’ll do it his way and at his own pace.”
I nodded along and kept my defeated feelings to myself. I knew there were other options for him, but I wasn’t prepared for this outside of a box of formula that had been gifted to us. Not everything would or could be perfect, I just had to accept that and know that I was doing the best I could for Will.
I looked down at him and smiled to myself. Everyone around me seemed distracted as I reached for my phone and took a photo of him curled up in his blanket. I sent it to Allie first, because she needed to know that she was officially the cool aunt and had to get her ass over here to meet her nephew now that the gross part was over with. The second person I stared at in my contacts list, looking at the email address with a growing pit in my stomach. There was no guarantee that Danielle would even respond, but I wanted her to know that she was a grandmother, and if at some point we could work on repairing that bridge then I was open to that too.
I tapped her name and attached the photo with a brief message letting her know Will’s name and stats. I would leave the door open for her, and maybe one day she would take me up on that offer. For now, I set my phone aside again and looked to Patrick who was back to cooing over our son and giving his cheek a kiss. Michelin moved off the bed and Jon took her spot. Suddenly, I had everything I ever wanted – I had my men, my little boy, and a family I always dreamed of. Nothing would ever surpass the love I felt with all of them at that moment.