My eyes stay focused on Julia beside me as I wipe away the wetness on my face. The drive to the church is short as we pass through the forest roads. The trees shake, and leaves break off, falling to the ground. I take the time and try my best to compose myself as Chris parks in front of a gorgeous, white brick church that Eeva told me was built over one hundred years ago with the cloudless blue sky providing a lovely scene. For such a sad day, it is beautiful out. Maybe the Moon Goddess felt sorry for me losing my pup Kelly and provided a beautiful scene to send her off.
Chris comes to the side Julia’s car seat is secured in and offers to carry her inside. I reach for the diaper bag, but Jack grabs it before I can, giving me a side hug and a kiss on my forehead. It makes me happy having these two here, to support me when I need it the most. I am not sure I could handle dealing with Tate and his ego alone on a day that is so hard for me. We make our way into the church's opened double doors when a wolf in a long robe steps forward from the dais and gives me a warm smile.
"Luna, so nice to meet you, but I am sad that it had to be under these circumstances." The minister greets, offering his hand for me to shake. I smile sadly and look around the room, my eyes searching for Kelly’s body.
"I-is she?" I couldn't help but let a few more tears fall as I ask, my question trailing off as the words I want to say get stuck in my throat. I wanted to see her for the first and last time, to know what my darling pup looks like before I have to lay her to rest.
"She is in the other room; would you like some time with her?" The minister asks with a sympathetic gaze. I nod slowly, motioning for him to lead the way while Jack and Chris smile reassuringly at me and takes Julia to the front pew to entertain the newborn. I am led to a room to the left of the stage where a wooden table with a black satin table cloth stands. On top of the table is a small wooden casket with white satin that cradles the body of a tiny newborn, who is a carbon copy of Julia. The minister leaves, closing the door behind him while I slowly walk forward until I stand before Kelly, my fingers grazing her small cheeks gently. She is so, so cold, her little body stiff from the embalming. I never thought that I would be here, looking down at a little pup with pale skin and chestnut coloured hair like Julia and me.
"Hi, Kelly." I choke out as tears once again flow down my face. Something compels me to gently lift her lifeless body in my arms as sobs begin to take hold of me. I fall to my knees while staring at the still face of my baby girl, here eyes closed as if she is only sleeping, but there is no life to her little body. The sweet little pup who used to kick inside me just days ago, would make me smile just thinking of what she and her sister will look like, and I would never get to watch her grow up. She will never feel my touch or be comforted in my arms. She’ll never grow up with Julia.
"I love you, baby girl.” I whisper, kissing her sweet little face, my tears falling onto her pale little cheeks. I sit in the small, quiet room, just holding onto Kelly and slightly rocking back and forth. I wish I could turn back time so this day never happens. Wish that we had made it to the hospital faster to save her and her sister, but nothing can change that day and there is no one to blame.
"Laina?" Eeva calls out to me gently. I turn my head to look at my friend, watching her take slow steps to stand before me, a sad smile on her face as she holds out her hands.
"It’s time. May I take her?” She informs, asking me gently about Kelly. I hesitate for a moment before nodding, allowing Eeva to take Kelly from my arms. Eeva gently places Kelly into her coffin and rearranges her pink dress so that it sits elegantly on my pup’s body as more sobs come from me.
"Ssshh, it'll be okay." Eeva whispers, taking a seat beside me on the ground and wrapping her arms around me. I bury my face into my friend’s shoulder and allow myself to grieve for my pup, the notion that I will never watch grow up, who will never run around with her sister, running through my mind over and over again. For a while, the two of us stay in this position as Eeva allows me to cry, my sobs slowing down until I am able to catch my breath. She takes out cleansing wipes from her purse and helps me clean my face, squeezing my hands gently before helping me to my feet. I turn to look at Kelly one last time, rearranging her dress and taking a small headband I had made last week. It was a black band with fall flowers and a colourful butterfly. Julia is already wearing the matching headband, and it feels right to let Kelly wear her own headband today.
"Goodbye, sweet girl," I whisper, giving her a final kiss on her tiny forehead before Eeva leads me out of the room gently. Walking back into the central part of the church, I catch Tate in the back talking to the minister but ignore him. Instead, I join Chris and Jack in the front, taking Julia from Jack’s arms and holding my baby close to me. We all take a seat on the benches as the minister starts his speech about the balance of life and the blessing from the Goddess, Loren and Jack carrying the tiny coffin to the front where everyone I know could see her. I already had my moment, so I just stare at Julia, not wanting to see the small coffin. Someone slides into the spot next to me and strong arms wrap around me, pulling me close as Tate’s scent wraps around my body like a warm blanket.
"Laina, I...I'm sorry. I was an ass this morning." Tate apologizes and those few words are all I need to turn into his chest and cry silently, careful not to wake our sleeping pup in my arms. The rest of the funeral is a blur. The only thing I remember is the coffin being lowered and buried in the tomb where Tate’s family is buried. She will forever be a Randall-Silvermoon and Tate’s pup no matter what.
I don’t remember how I ended up in bed curled under the covers, but I know that Tate allowed Chris and Jack to care for Julia for the night while giving me some space. I needed some time alone after the long, heart-wrenching day I’ve had. Tate is in his office, using the time to organize the pack for the next few days so he can be with me, but ever so often he comes into the room to check on me and bring me small meals, making sure I eat to continue healing. After the last time he checked in on me, my body feels zapped of all energy and I decide to close my heavy eyelids and let sleep welcome me. Tomorrow I will wake up and get into a routine as a new mother but for now I need to find some peace in the loss I am facing.