Chapter Sixteen
The cemetery glowed with color in the sunshine. Penny parked her car under the shade of an aspen tree, lifted Buster from the passenger seat, and hooked the leash onto his collar. The frisky, golden mutt alternated running and stopping to sniff as she strolled to Mandy’s gravesite. March had been wet. April was appreciative, and by midmonth, trees budded, grass had greened, and wildflowers flourished.
She hugged the old, black sweater around her against the cool spring air. Wearing the first thing Mandy gave her made her feel closer to her friend. When she woke that morning and snuggled under the covers, reluctant to rise too early on her day off, an idea came from nowhere. Her mind had wandered to those occasional lazy days spent with Mandy doing little more than enjoying each other’s company. She hadn’t yet been to the cemetery. It was time for a visit.
Along the path, fragrant air caressed her face, and sunshine warmed her skin beneath the sweater as she strolled peacefully, occasionally giving the puppy a tug to catch up with her. Memories of her friend crossed her mind often, and although she fiercely missed her, more joy than depression came with remembering.
Once she’d located the recessed, green marble headstone, she knelt beside the marker and touched the sun-heated marble. “Hey there, Mandy. It’s Fairy.” She paused a moment as if waiting for her friend to awaken to her voice. “Sorry I took so long to get out here. I’m not much of a cemetery person.”
Buster nosed around the grass, occasionally chewing on the lush green blades. Penny let her gaze wander around the immediate area, then back to the headstone.
“The grounds are gorgeous. You’d love the iris.” She sighed. “Yeah, I know, cut the small talk.” With a chuckle, she tilted to her left, came off her haunches, and sat on her bottom. “You always were a get to the bottom line lady. So…I spent Christmas with Lacy and the sheriff. I was probably a total downer for them, but they were kind beyond belief. I got to know their daughter, Jenny better. We all Skyped with August, Tobias, and little Hans on Christmas Eve. I had some fun, I guess. I wasn’t alone anyway. Those days are kind of a blur. I had a rough time. But Lacy got me with a therapist the day after—after Westingly got what he had coming.”
She shifted to sit cross-legged, pulled the sweater snug, and patted the puppy’s head that now rested on her thigh.
“And then the week I spent between Christmas and New Years with Aunt Vida was…was…so good. You’d love her. She’s a take no prisoners, in your face, old lady. I think she should get more credit for my stability than the therapist. And Buster, my puppy. He’s a sweet, fuzzy, little, golden colored mutt. He loves me. And he’s enjoying the visit with me right now.”
As if on cue, Buster rolled to his side and stretched out in the grass beside her. She clasped her hands together, elbows on her knees, and dropped her gaze to the ground beneath her. A question danced around the space between her and the headstone. As if Mandy could be heard, Penny knew what she wanted.
“I haven’t seen or spoken to Jake in months.” She attempted to block her thoughts of when she’d last seen him in the Pubhouse, but thoughts were the same as words when communicating with her best friend. “Yeah, I worry, too. And yeah, I miss him. I just haven’t figured out what to do about him, Mandy.” A breeze drifted over her face; strands of hair lifted and tickled her cheek. “My heart, my life, feels a little empty. Maybe he—”
“Hello, Penny,” Jake’s voice spoke softly from beside her.
Her heart flipped in her chest. Shading her eyes, she glanced upward to meet his gaze. “Hi, Jake.”
The startled puppy yelped as he leapt to his feet, bounded over her legs, and jumped at Jake’s shins.
Lowering himself, he knelt only inches from her, and scratched the puppy’s head without taking his gaze from her. “Looks like we had the same idea today.”
“Hmmm.” Words stuck in her throat.
He stared at the headstone. “This is the first time I’ve been out here.”
“Me, too.” She couldn’t help but stare at his solemn profile.
It had been a lifetime since she’d seen him, when they’d both given testimony in January on Senator Westingly’s death. After seeing him in the bar before Christmas, she couldn’t face him then, let alone speak to him. Getting in and out of the proceedings as quickly as possible with the aid of Sheriff Meadowlark helped her to avoid him. She and Jake hadn’t spoken that day. Today, he looked like he’d put on a couple of pounds, good pounds. His cheeks above his beard were ruddy with the cool air, and a light breeze tossed some strands of hair onto his forehead.
He turned, his gray eyes smoking her with memory.
“You look fantastic, Penny. I like the hair.”
His smile dizzied her like a first glass of wine. Her hand went to her hair, now longer and the dark auburn of Jianna. She, too, had gained weight back to what she weighed before Mandy’s death. “Thanks.”
His gaze ran over the flowers around them, then back, and he smiled again. “Running into you here…” He shook his head.
“Mmm, yeah.” What were the chances they would both be here, for the first time, at the exact time? “Have you been well?”
“I’m doing great. Love my job. But I…” He plucked a blade of grass.
“What?”
“How about you? Are you happy? I see you have a new friend.”
“Buster.” The puppy had resumed his nap by her side, yet his ears perked at the mention of his name. “I’m good. Still at the Grand View.” Was she happy? Most days. She thought about him every day, not that she could tell him. What good would come of the admission? “I’ve noticed some bigger bands playing the Ashurst.”
“Yeah. The business is starting to come around.” He continued to run his fingers through the grass.
“You must be proud.”
He looked healthy. She wanted to believe he’d gotten clean again. If they would encounter each other occasionally, and he’d moved on, she wanted to think of him as healthy and happy.
“Yeah, well, it’s a good job.”
His fingers stilled, and he looked at her hard. The air thinned. She couldn’t break his stare, but dove into the gray…and waited.
“I’ve thought about you often, Penny.”
Often. “You have?”
“I didn’t call because I knew you needed some time. After the hearing, we didn’t speak and—”
“I saw you once before that, after the memorial,” she blurted and immediately questioned her motive. Why mention it when they were nothing more than acquaintances now? Then Mandy came to mind, and how she might expect her best friend to at least call him on his slide backwards.
“When?” His brow furrowed.
Penny averted her gaze and stared at her fingers playing with the bracelet on her wrist. “In the Pubhouse. I walked by.” She glanced at his face, to judge his reaction. “You were there with another guy. Drinking.”
He blinked, appeared to be thinking. “A couple of days before Christmas?”
“Yes.”
“I saw the Eggplant when I came out.” His fingers played at the grass again, only now, he stabbed at it as if the blades wouldn’t do as he wanted. “So, while I thought you might call me one day, once some time had passed and we’d gotten back to a new normal…and I thought about you…you didn’t want to be around me.” He yanked up several blades then turned to glare into her face. “Because you thought I’d fallen off? Started drinking again?” His eyes squinted and his jaw had tensed. “I wasn’t drinking. It was happy hour and Chris had two on the bar. If you’d looked closer, you’d have seen a cup of coffee. I haven’t fallen off of anything.”
He was hurt and angry, because she’d jumped to conclusions that wronged him. Her stomach churned. She didn’t want to hurt him, and she needed to make the called for apology, but her head reeled with his words. He’d thought they might see each other again? Friends? An obligation because of Mandy?
“Jake, I—”
“That’s a problem with us.” He frowned and stared unsmiling into her face. “You think I’m too weak.” His voice was anything but weak.
She flinched, doubly sorry she’d doubted him. “It’s not weakness, Jake.”
“Ha.” He shook his head with the sarcasm. “Sure as hell is.”
But he hadn’t slipped back. And he’d protected her through those days after Mandy’s murder. “Well, you’re not weak, are you?” She searched his face, concentrated on his eyes.
“No, I’m not.”
The days after Mandy’s death…he’d fought her every step of the way. “Maybe a problem with us is you think I’m too strong.”
“That’s crazy. Your strength didn’t worry me.” His gaze left her face and focused on Mandy’s headstone for a moment. “That day in party headquarters with Westingly…would you have used the gun?” When he brought his gaze back, his eyes were wide with the question.
“I don’t know.” She’d never know. Her hate was strong, and the intent had been there, but could she have?
“Fair enough.”
“You would have.” This time, she stared hard at him.
“If it meant saving your life? Yeah, I would’ve.”
“Thank you.”
He chuckled and nodded. “Ah, Penny.”
The simple words were like a hug. They put the ugliness to rest. She smiled, wanting to say more, but didn’t know where to begin. Maybe, there was nothing more to say. Their past was carved in stone. He thought of her, often, but that was Jake—a nice, concerned man. As long as he had moved on, happy and healthy, and she’d found peace, there was nothing more they could do for each other.
Then why did her chest ache, and why did she want to climb onto his lap and feel his arms around her?
“I sold the house and bought another one. In Pine Hills. You know where that is?”
She thought for a moment. “Yes, nice.” He’d have a little land and a beautiful view of the peaks.
“Where are you living?”
“Coldwater Condos.”
“The old, converted post office.” He chuckled. “Aren’t you satisfied enough to work with ghosts at the haunted Grand View? You want to live with them, too?”
“Ghosts don’t bother me. Much. Once in a while they change the program I’m watching on television.” His baffled expression made her laugh. “And I always have company at breakfast.”
“Penny—uh, I didn’t ask if you’re still going by Penny. Sorry.”
“I’ve legally gotten back to my name, Jianna Ricci, but to my friends in Flagstaff, I’ll always be Penny. I answer to both.” She’d successfully joined her past and her present. They’d flowed together much easier than she thought could happen, and her life solidified. Although, sitting in the grass with Jake beside her, she sensed something missing in her life. She needed to get past that. “I should go.” She stood. Buster jumped up, wiggled his backend, and gazed up expectantly.
Jake quickly rose beside her. “I’m glad we met here.” He glanced at Mandy’s headstone.
It was right somehow. “Me, too, Jake. I’m sorry I thought…I mean I’m glad you’re good.”
“It’s okay.” He shrugged. “I might’ve thought the same in your shoes.”
She doubted that. Always the nice guy. She turned and strolled toward her car.
He kept pace with her and brushed her arm. “Would you like to—”
“I’ve got the puppy now. I need to get home and feed him.” If she wanted to move on like he had, then spending any time with him would only stall her progress.
An unpleasant hollowness filled her. He’d only bring out wishful thinking when she’d see him. They couldn’t be friends.
His silence told the story. Whatever he’d intended to say came out of his need to be the nice guy. He’d made the effort and could continue with his life, and she with hers.
They’d reached her car, and she opened her door. “It was good seeing you.”
He shuffled his feet, looked over her head, and took a deep breath. When his gaze came back, he didn’t smile. “Yeah, it was good.”
She slid behind the wheel, started the engine, and shut her door. He stepped back as she pulled forward, and she refused the impulse to look in her rearview mirror. Resolve to move forward and not look back settled heavy on her shoulders.
****
Jake sat in his truck, hands loosely gripping the wheel, and stared over the green grass of the cemetery. Penny looked good. Yeah, good in the sense he wanted to grab her and kiss her, but healthy and peaceful, too. Great. He was happy for her.
Then why didn’t he feel happy?
He’d given her time, given himself time. It couldn’t be coincidental that they both made their first visits to Mandy’s grave on the same day at the very same time. “It’s freakin’ fate, Winters.”
But she’d not offered him anything. Never said she missed him or wanted to see him. She simply walked away from him. Got in her car and drove away without so much as a glance back. Was she so happy, so content, to never see him again?
“Bugger that.” He started the engine. Seeing her today answered the constant question of what was missing in his life.
Penny was missing.
He pulled away from the curb, through the gates of the cemetery, and pointed the truck toward the Coldwater Condos. The visit today should’ve signaled closure for them. Well, his closure still had a sliver of darkness showing through. He needed Penny to look him in the face and say there would never be anything between them. She had to say she was happy, happier, without Jake Winters in her life.
His stomach roiled. If she told him, Go away, nice knowing you, but I’ve found a life that doesn’t require you, he’d…what?
He shook like a dog after a dip in the lake. “Yeah, Winters. Shake it off.”
That’s not the way this would go down. Penny Sparks aka Jianna Ricci just needed a little prodding. He’d seen something in her face. There was hope. There had to be.
****
Penny sat on the balcony of her second story condo scratching Buster’s head and sightlessly looked out over the inner courtyard of the Coldwater Condos building. The wonder of the last couple of hours had her daydreaming. She’d expected to cross paths with Jake at some point. In such a small city, that it took another three months to run into him since she saw him in the bar amazed her. But even more amazing was where.
Mandy must be chuckling.
Did the chance meeting go the way her old friend would’ve wanted?
“Not meant to be, is it, Buster?” Her puppy looked up from her lap with the mention of his name.
Seeing Jake had stirred the embers she’d hoped were dead. He rocked her world when he peered into her very soul with those gray eyes. They were the first thing, well, the second thing that had hooked her so long ago when she’d seen him perform. His voice was the first. The tune to an old Roberta Flack song hummed through her.
Killing me softly.
Maybe she should’ve moved to Las Vegas like her aunt wanted. She lifted her face to Humphrey’s Peak rising above the city. No, Flagstaff was home. Trading pine-scented air and snowcapped mountains for desert and neon would’ve only made her more miserable. And there were friends here.
An image of Jake crowded into her thoughts. Had he been a factor, deep down, that she wouldn’t admit, even to herself?
I’ll end up a lonely old woman if he’s the one I can’t get over.
“So, aren’t you going to say it?”
She jumped, her reverie broken with the voice, and dropped her gaze to the courtyard below.
“Jake!”
“No. The line is ‘Jake Winters, Jake Winters. Where art thou, Jake Winters?’”
Amused, she smiled. “It’s pretty obvious where thou art. But…why?” Nervousness tensed her body. She had to loosen her grip on poor Buster.
“That’s pretty obvious, too. Can I come up?”
“S…sure. Take the stairwell to your left.”
She gathered Buster into her arms and went into the house on jittery legs. The dog nuzzled against her chest, muffling the pounding of her heart. By the time she got the door open, Jake stood at the top of the stairs.
He smiled, strode the few feet, and stepped close. Only Buster filled the space between them.
His hand stroked the dog’s head. “Hey, pup.” He pushed hair from Penny’s face. “Do we have to talk in the hall or can I come in?”
His fingers left a trail of shivers along her cheek. “Why, Jake? Is something wrong?”
“Yes, Penny, something’s wrong.”
Her chest tightened, and with a pat to Buster’s head, she set him on the floor behind her. He scampered off to the kitchen. When she turned back to Jake, he’d filled the space the dog had occupied. She gasped at the full body contact.
“What is it? What’s happened?”
He reached over her head and nudged the door wider. “I’m coming in.”
Having him enter her new space frightened her. Her new home was a Jake Winters free zone, and she needed that if she ever hoped to get over him. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. If I’m going to get past…if…if…I don’t see how we can be friends…”
The side of his mouth crooked in a devious smirk that shook her. Without warning—or maybe the smirk was the warning—his arms scooped her from her stance.
“Oh!” A warm arm cradled the underneath of her thighs while his other arm held her against his chest. How right this felt. She threw her arms around his neck in self-preservation, but quickly withdrew them to beneath her chin. “What are you doing?” The words could barely be heard above the hammering of her heart. Her heart was trying to tell her something, but her head wouldn’t listen.
He kicked the door shut behind him. “What makes you think I want to be friends?”
“I’m not sure.” But she’d been sure, and now his arms around her were confusing. Her head had gone fuzzy. “Back when we were running from…when you were helping me—”
“You misread me and the situation. Just like when you saw me in the Pubhouse.”
Her neck heated. “I have a habit of jumping to conclusions?”
“Yeah, I’d say so.” He held her tighter against him. “Knock it off. I don’t want to be your friend, Penny.”
“You don’t?” Was this real? Was she about to jump to a huge conclusion?
“Well, I do, but I want so much more.”
“How can we—”
His mouth covered hers, and she melted. When he pulled away, she existed in a vacuum without atmosphere. Her head swirled, and she gulped for any bit of air she could inhale.
“That’s how. We just do.” He swept kisses across her cheeks and nose.
Her arms folded around his neck. “I’m not sure it’s that easy.”
“Of course it is. And if it isn’t…” He shrugged. “We don’t do easy anyway, do we? We fight just to stay alive, keep our feet planted firmly, and survive. Us? Together? We got this, Penny.”
Yes. Oh, yes, they had this. This was jumping, but this time the conclusion was real. She gripped him tighter, afraid if she let go she’d faint and drift off into Never Never Land. “I love you, Jake.”
He released her legs, eased her body down and against him. A ripple of pure joy skittered over her. Holding her with one arm around her back, he cupped her butt with the other so her feet dangled a foot off the ground.
His body was tense, tight, and loaded with his desire.
“I love you more.”
She kissed him, softly at first, the intensity growing slowly until a moan vibrated deep in his throat.
Hands to his cheeks, she broke the kiss. “You’re right, Jake. Together? We got this.”