Chapter Fifteen
Penny crossed the lobby. The sun shone brightly through the floor to ceiling windows on the first floor of the law complex. Jake stood silhouetted at the window, his back to her approach, and by his stance, she could tell he talked on his cell. As he ended the call and tucked the phone in a pocket, his hand wiped at his eyes. He was crying.
Her stomach knotted. Prickly tentacles of regret tightened her chest. Her stupidity had killed his sister and would forever be the cause of his pain. As her chest constricted, the air in the room thinned and stars blinked in her peripheral vision. She slowed.
“Penny. What’s wrong? You’re as white as snow.”
She hadn’t seen Jake come to her. Drawing in a deep breath, as deep as her tight muscles allowed, she released the air slowly, and took another breath. “I’m okay. Maybe a little lightheaded. Probably lack of food and water.”
He took her arm. “Let’s go upstairs and eat.”
She didn’t want to be with him, to see the misery she’d caused him hidden just below the surface, yet the touch of his hand steadied and reassured her. They did have to eat. If she could get through a quick meal without a full-blown panic attack or fainting, then finally parting ways with him would be doable. This is what life would come to. This is what she had to do.
“Soooo…how did it go with Ranclin?” he asked as they settled at a table with a view of downtown Flagstaff in the distance.
“Pretty basic.” She didn’t want to rehash the details of the question and answer session. “We’ll do it all again with the FBI in an hour.” This last interview meant the end of living under an adopted identity. The end of hiding from unknown dangers. And yet, instead of relief, or joy or whatever heightened emotion she should feel, nothing but an overwhelming sense of loss consumed her. The world seemed gray.
“I didn’t mention Mandy’s gun.”
“I didn’t either.” She hadn’t seen why she should. Jake hadn’t fired. Having a gun, but not firing didn’t count. The bite of her tuna sandwich might as well have been of cardboard. She didn’t want to eat or talk. Glancing out the window, beyond the city, the sun glistened off the snow on the peaks, yet the view could’ve been a painting, flat and lifeless. Sleep. Yes, she could sleep. One more hour, talk to the FBI, and then sleep.
“Penny, what’s wrong?”
His voice jarred her. “What?”
“You looked like you were nodding off. Or passing out. Do you need to lie down? Or maybe a doctor?”
“Really? No. I think I’m tired, but I’m okay.” She wanted to curl into a ball and…
“Maybe you should eat a little more. We could ask Ranclin if there’s somewhere for you to lie down until the FBI guy is ready for our statements.”
She took another bite. Chew. Swallow. “I’m not really hungry.” Using her hands as leverage, she pushed up from the table. Her body seemed heavy and her arms weak. “I think I’ll go downstairs. Maybe they’ll show up early so we can get this over with.”
He jumped up, half a sandwich in one hand and his drink in the other. “I’ll go with you.”
“You don’t need to. Finish your lunch.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, sit.”
He hesitated, but she knew. He didn’t really want to talk with her either. What could they say?
“Come on down when you’re done.” She turned without waiting for a reply. This was a step. One effort at walking away from him. They’d have to come together to drive back to the Meadowlark’s. She’d have to get her things moved out of Mandy’s.
Her feet grew heavier. So much to do. The last goodbye would have to come. Eventually.
Two hours later, the SIM card and her written memories were in the hands of the FBI, along with her statement taken for the events of today. With Jake again behind the wheel of her car, they rode in silence. The vision of the senator’s bloody body played in a loop through her head along with the slack face of Agent Elams—dark glassy eyes that seemed to expect something from her, and the nod as the door of the police car closed on him. He’d saved her life. She could come out of hiding—but to where?
The engine quieted. The here and now came back into focus. Jake sat beside her. Lacy’s home appeared beyond the car window.
“I think you should stay with the Meadowlarks for a few days.” Jake’s voice whispered low in the confines of the car.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to the valley. See my parents. There are…things…I need to do.”
What things did she need to do? She couldn’t think.
He got out, walked around the car, and opened her door. “Come on, Penny.”
His hand seemed to lift her then guide her through the front door. She couldn’t look at him. His touch, firm, warm, grounded her, but she couldn’t look into his eyes and see the reflection of all the pain she’d caused. Then Lacy’s arms were around her.
“She needs to rest.” Jake spoke, but not to her.
Penny closed her eyes to the embrace.
“I need to go. Can you take care of her, Lacy?”
Her reply was a vibration in the ear resting against her friend’s chest. They were moving. Did he say goodbye?
****
Jake woke, stared at the ceiling in a room at the Grand View, and like every morning for the past three days, he took his mental temperature. The aftershocks were still there. He blinked back tears with a memory of Mandy. He ached deep in his chest with thoughts of Penny. And he wanted to numb himself—today in particular.
At first, his parents had wanted to bring Mandy down to the valley, to where they now lived in retirement. That didn’t feel right. When he’d suggested they leave his sister where she called home, the place she loved, his parents were quick to agree. They were next door in another room. Mandy’s memorial service would be in the old stone church four blocks south of the hotel.
Without rising, he lifted his cell from the bedside table. Seven fourteen a.m. He punched the number of his twelve-step counselor. He’d gone back to an every morning check-in the day after he’d witnessed the murder of Senator Westingly. There was no denying how the event had shaken him. And with Mandy’s burial, he feared the emotions would overwhelm him and send him chasing the bottle or the coke.
One call a day was all he needed, determined that would see him through. Get him past this day.
After a few moments of conversation, he disconnected and headed into the shower. He turned on the water full blast. The contact with Joel was precautionary. The last couple of weeks had thrown him, like being caught in a riptide and not quite sure which way was up. Emotions so deep…the sadness over the loss of Mandy, and the void Penny had briefly filled empty again…more than he’d let himself feel in several years.
Feeling, even bad, was good. Have a little faith in yourself, Winters.
He liked Joel. So reconnecting gave him a double dose of fulfillment. His counselor was neutral and provided a good ear. Jake didn’t need to go into minute details with him, but could spill enough of his guts to keep from bottling up all his pent-up emotions.
He lathered shampoo into his hair and beard, closed his eyes, and saw Penny hanging ornaments on the tree. A call to Lacy on Saturday to check on her hadn’t been uplifting. Penny was under a doctor’s care, didn’t want to speak to anyone. “Give her some time, Jake,” her friend had advised. He’d only wanted to know that she was okay.
At a few minutes before nine, he and his parents parked in the church lot. The sun shone brightly in a cloudless sky as he stepped from his dad’s Ford Blazer. The air was crisp. The kind of day Mandy would love. He scanned the front of the church as they climbed the stone steps. The smooth pink steeple and pointed roof trim contrasted sharply with the outer walls of brown rocks cemented together to build the church. Up the stairs and under the pink archway, they entered the church, his mom gripping his arm and his father close behind. He recognized relatives and friends not seen in years, but there were just as many people he didn’t recognize. Penny and the Meadowlarks weren’t among them. Disappointment crept in. Worry, too. Just how bad was Penny if even Lacy hadn’t shown?
They settled on a front pew, he between his parents. This was a memorial only. Mandy had already been cremated and laid to rest in an old cemetery north of town. The minister spoke briefly and turned the service over to the people seated. He looked to him to begin.
Jake didn’t trust himself to talk. His mother had suggested a song. He chose a stupid song, one of the first he’d written back in high school, but Mandy had loved it.
Both hands on the podium, he steadied himself. “My sister was my biggest fan. This is for her.”
He stumbled on the first couple of lines, but when he visualized thirteen-year-old Mandy, her happy face and her fingers tapping the beat on the kitchen table, he sang a cappella, loud and clear.
As the last few words left his mouth, he saw them. Sheriff Meadowlark, Lacy, and Penny stood just inside the doorway. A weight lifted from his shoulders, but an unkind thought crossed his mind. Penny was the reason for this service.
He sighed at the uncontrollable path of his thinking. He didn’t really blame her. Not really. Blaming someone only temporarily helped him give reason as to why Mandy had to die.
Damn.
Penny appeared sleep deprived, her dark eyes deeper in her face, and thin. She carried the guilt. Her family was dead, too. Bad things happened to good people, and nothing could change that or bring them back.
He returned to his seat, sensing the presence of Penny far behind him. Two relatives and a friend from high school spoke. He heard the words, but didn’t necessarily listen to all of them. People spoke for themselves at these things, making their last connection with the departed. His mind wandered over childhood memories of his sister and on to the last few days they’d shared. Good days, and he was thankful he’d had them.
Then came Penny. Would they ever be able to see each other again? Could they—
“My name is Penny Sparks. Mandy was my sister, not in blood, but in spirit.”
His head jerked upward at the voice.
Penny gazed over the seated friends and family. She stood beside the podium instead of behind it. What resolve and strength she possessed to walk the aisle and put herself before them. By now, the story of Mandy’s death would certainly have spread. Her normally olive skin paled against the simple black dress she wore. Standing with a straight back, her tiny frame was highlighted in the glow of the overhead lighting. One quick glance at him, and she raised her gaze to address everyone.
“I met her thirteen years ago. I was a lost little girl, and Mandy saved me. She adopted me. Or that’s how it felt, although she was only four years older. She became my family when my family was dead.” Although her strong voice carried throughout the church, she fidgeted with a bracelet on one wrist in a nervous gesture. “Mandy was warm and loving, fun and just crazy enough.” A snicker or two could be heard and several more heads nodded.
Penny paused, swallowed, and her lips pinched tight. “I’m sorry a wonderful, sweet, caring woman was taken from all of you.” Tears spilled onto her cheeks. “I’m sorry my friend, my sister was taken from me. I’m…I’m sorry.” She stepped slowly down the two steps, then hurried toward the back of the church.
He turned to watch her stop next to Lacy, who put an arm around her shoulders. The congregation fell silent.
His father rose and faced the gathering. “Thank you all for coming today.”
They were immediately engulfed in sympathetic whisperers. Jake rose on his toes, spying over the crowd to locate Penny. Chance spoke, gesturing toward the front of the church. She shook her head, and they turned toward the door.
Jake thanked the people closest to him, shook one hand, and darted between the bodies. The threesome was out the door before he got there, and he bounded down the steps and into bright sunshine without thinking to grab his coat. They were leaving the sidewalk for the parking lot when he spotted them. Heated by his desire to reach her before she vanished, the chill in the air didn’t bother him.
He wanted her to know he was thankful for her presence. Although her voice had started strong, she appeared physically diminished. And her endnote of tears told the tale. Yet, she’d displayed great strength, Penny strength, to address the congregation of people who loved Mandy. He needed her to know, maybe she needed to know, how important that was.
“Penny?” he called as Sheriff Meadowlark opened the back door of his jeep.
She climbed in, but didn’t close the door as he approached. The sheriff shuffled his feet, appearing unsure if he should retreat or greet him.
“Hi, Jake. Nice service.” Lacy called from the passenger seat, turning to smile.
“Thank you, Lacy. Sheriff.” He stuck a hand out to shake.
“Jake.”
“Chance?” Lacy called her husband to get in the jeep, leaving Jake to speak to Penny.
He bent to address her within the vehicle. “Thank you, Penny.” Now close to her, he could see the tiny pixie of a woman had lost more than a few pounds. Faint blue veins showed through the skin of her collarbone. The pain she lived with had taken a toll on her. His heart ached.
“For what?”
“For being here. For your words.” He practically whispered as if his voice might intrude on her delicateness if spoken too loudly.
“Words.” She shrugged.
“It was huge.”
A hint of a smile, yet her eyes sloped sadly at the corners.
“How are you doing?” He leaned against the opened door. “Are you okay?”
“I will be.” Her voice grew a tad stronger. “How about you?”
“Getting there.” There wasn’t time to tell her the whole story. She probably had enough story of her own. “I’ll be taking the job at the Ashurst at the first of the year. And I’m going to be putting the house up for sale.”
Her chin dipped, she sighed, then gazed at him again. “I’m sorry I haven’t gotten my stuff out yet.”
“I wasn’t trying to hurry you. It’ll be the first of the year before I get the house on the market. I’m going to my parents for a week. Until after New Year’s. I’ll worry about the house after the holidays.”
“Well, I’ll need to move out my things before then and leave you my key. That’s great about the job.”
He couldn’t imagine she still intended to have Christmas with him and his parents, yet he had to mention the plans they’d had before Mandy’s death. “Speaking of Christmas—”
“It’s okay, Jake. I’m staying with Chance and Lacy then going to see my aunt in Las Vegas between Christmas and New Year’s.”
“Ah, Penny, that’s great.” Relief filled him, truly happy that she would reconnect with family.
Her glance left his face, and she stared over his shoulder. “Your parents are waiting for you.”
He turned and saw his mom and dad at the bottom of the church steps, clinging to each other. Alone. Time to go. He wanted to hug Penny, but the distance between them spanned a chasm. “Take care of yourself.”
“Yeah, you, too.” She blinked as a small smile touched her lips then pulled the door closed.
With a heavy step, Jake moved back from the jeep. Lacy waved and the sheriff nodded. Penny’s deep brown eyes bore right down to the hollow spot forming in his chest. She turned her head for one last glance as the jeep pulled out of the lot. He yearned to chase after the vehicle like the climactic scene from a sappy, chick flick. But more time was needed for healing. For both of them.
****
Penny circled the block once more, but there weren’t any parking spots near The White Wolf Spirit. She sighed and drove the next block before she found an empty curbside spot. Two days before Christmas, and on a weekend, was not the time to shop in downtown Flagstaff, especially with bright blue skies and a temperature nearing fifty. But she’d felt good, really good, when she’d gotten up that morning. As if overnight the gray fog where her life existed had cleared, and she’d stepped into the sunshine. Old Chief’s store was the only place to buy sweet grass oil for her baths, and a good store to buy her aunt a unique gift for Christmas. Hearing her aunt’s voice when she’d called her had both of them crying with utter joy. Penny’s stomach fluttered with excitement over the holiday for the first time in over a decade.
Pulling into a spot across the street from the Pubhouse Station, she noticed Jake’s old truck in front of the bar. The last time they had spoken, the last time she’d seen him was at Mandy’s memorial service nearly a week ago. That had been a turning point for her, and each day since, her burden had become a little easier. Her part in Mandy’s death couldn’t be undone, but with the help of her therapist, she was learning to live with it. This morning dawned bright, not only in fact, but inside of her, too.
Four o’clock. Happy hour. Frowning, she trotted across the street in between slow moving traffic. Maybe Jake was shopping somewhere, too, and had to park by the Pubhouse. Passing by the door, she slowed. What he did with his life was none of her business, and to even suspect made her stupid to look, yet…she had to. Tentatively, she changed her path to stroll close to the open door, and she peered in. Her gaze landed on his back sitting at the bar. He chatted with a longhaired, muscled man on the stool next to him. There were drinks sitting on the counter.
A quiver of disappointment saddened her. She retreated, forced her feet to move, and walked away. Had she stayed in touch, could Jake’s relapse have been prevented? She didn’t see how she could’ve helped him past the trauma of Mandy’s death when her fight to keep her own sanity had been all consuming. He’d called a day or two after the memorial, but Lacy had run interference, and she’d avoided him. She’d wanted to see him, yet didn’t want to. Her therapist had told her to give herself the space and time to know what she needed from life to be happy. Now this. More guilt. With a deep breath, she imagined what she would say to her therapist, and what the response would be. She strolled around a corner, The White Wolf Spirit just ahead.
She couldn’t blame herself for Jake’s current state. His substance dependency had nothing to do with her. He’d had the problem long before their first kiss. Last time they’d spoken, he’d mentioned taking the job at the Ashurst. Apparently, returning to the music business brought back the old Jake. Was he out of her control?
Penny couldn’t blame herself for things beyond her control. No blame, but the sadness remained. Her thoughts, her hopes had been maybe—one day—they could be something. Friends or lovers? Not now. Time to rebuild her own life, and dealing with his problems would be overwhelming.
Chief sat on a stool behind the register counter when she pushed open the door of the store.
“Penny! I haven’t seen you in quite a while. How’s the prettiest manager at the Grand View doing?” He stayed seated. The old man was getting up in years.
She leaned across the glass top as he turned his brown, wrinkled cheek for a kiss. “You don’t need to toss out flattery. I plan to buy something anyway.”
“I only speak the truth.” He patted her hand. “How are you doing?”
Chief and Sheriff Meadowlark were close friends. No doubt the sheriff had told the old storeowner what had been happening in her life.
“I’m getting better all the time.”
He didn’t speak, but continued to stare into her face; she could see her reflection in the glassy black surface of his eyes.
“I’ve had a rough spell.”
“Getting your life back.” He nodded. “You are a strong young woman, Penny Sparks. Yet, you must open your heart to all who can help.”
She had the sensation Chief could divine her inner thoughts. Was he referring to Jake? Silly. How could he know?
“I will, Chief. Now, I need some sweet grass oil. A long soaking bath at the end of the day is just what will cure all kinds of ailments.”
He laughed. “For you, yes.”
“I’m also looking for a gift for a special aunt I haven’t seen in over thirteen years.”
A child-like excitement tingled through her. Seeing her aunt would be like time travel into a former life. Would she come out on the other side Jianna Ricci or remain Penny Sparks?
****
Jake glanced at the remaining short tumbler of Chopin Vodka on the rocks. How ironic Chris shared his love of vodka. Had the man been put in his path to test him? At least the co-owner of the Ashurst was a two-drink only guy. Happy hour at the Pubhouse provided him with his limit.
“I need to get going.” He finished his coffee and swiveled on the stool. “Mom’s expecting me for dinner. I’ll have trouble making it, if I don’t get on the road now.”
“And we’ll expect you on the third?”
“You bet.” Although the club had bookings through the first quarter of the year, it wasn’t too soon to start reorganizing.
“We’re looking forward to a great year, Jake.”
He smiled and shook Chris’ hand, sure his outlook on the arrangement meant more to him than to his new boss. “Me, too. See you then.”
Jake stepped out the door into bright sunshine and took a deep breath of cool, pine-scented air—much more enjoyable than that of the bar. His preference brought a wide smile. There would be plenty of tears and the loneliness of missing Mandy over the next few days spent with his parents. Together, they’d help each other through mourning. Having a new job would give him something on which to concentrate. He’d have to involve his parents in how his new job was going as much as possible. They needed something to help fill their void, too.
As he stepped off the curb, the purple Dodge caught his eye. Eggplant. Penny. His head jerked side to side, scanning the street. She probably shopped in one of the stores. Pausing by the truck, the idea of running into her crossed his mind. A breath hitched in his chest with a wave of unease. No. Not yet.
He unlocked the truck and hoisted onto the seat, pulling the door shut. Seeing her car was a good sign. For her. She was out, which meant she must be feeling better.
It took two cranks and several pumps on the pedal to get the engine started. While the truck warmed, his mood saddened. A few days ago, he’d hoped she’d call him. Even when thoughts of his sister depressed him, Penny’s dark eyes or pouty smile would be there. Perhaps the two women would forever be linked in his mind, but he could live with that. He didn’t blame her for the loss of his sister. After seeing her at the memorial, the urge to comfort and help her still bothered him. As she continued to avoid him, he had to settle on the fact she wanted nothing to do with him.
Leaving Route 66, he drove toward Phoenix. The only snow besides on the peaks, hovered beneath trees on the shady side of the road. For reasons not understood, he kept a sliver of hope alive that one day Penny might want to see him. Afraid she might choose to move out of Flagstaff, he’d asked the clerk at the Grand View Hotel yesterday when Penny would be back at work. The young, inexperienced man had gladly chatted about his supervisor’s vacation through the holidays. She was due back the second week of January.
The days leading up to the murder of the senator, she’d been pretty clear about their incompatibility. He’d been harsh with her.
Everything was different now. They’d both changed. His own experience with getting his life on the right track had taken time. Penny’s healing would take time.
But, he couldn’t deny the ache for what might have been.
He also couldn’t feel anything but hopeful that maybe next time they saw each other…