Alex was nine months old and being cared for by their babysitter Cecelia, a neighbor in their old apartment building in the village. Cecelia was a young widow who had been only too pleased to come up to their apartment when Lily had an apartment to show. Otherwise, Lily had arranged to make all of her calls and do all of her other work online from home. The arrangement was complex but they managed.
Sabrina had been called out of class that day. Her advisor told her that Lily had been in an accident, and gave her the name of the hospital Lily had been rushed to. In a panicked daze she had taken the subway to the ER, only to be met there by uniformed cops. A hit and run accident they’d told her.
Lily had been lying on a gurney, already gone. The shock of that moment went so deep Sabrina didn’t know if she would ever again choose to take it out and experience all the feelings it produced. She wanted to keep them buried. Because, at the end of the day, she didn’t want to think about any of it. Her mom was dead. Her mom was gone and thinking about it hurt too much. She tried her very best to be everything to Alex since that day. He had been so little, so helpless but he’d grown from a nine-month roly-poly infant into a
happy if sometimes inscrutable toddler.
From the outset, she feared, no she knew, that Alex could be taken from her just as suddenly as her mom had been. People she cared for disappeared routinely it seemed, first her father, then her mother. And there had been so few chances to make lasting friends with their
frequent moves around the city, always one step ahead a landlord, or chasing that stepping stone job.
In the crazy haze of the days that followed the accident, Sabrina decided that she would present herself to the world as Alex’s mother. Without Lily’s income, and meager savings, they soon had to move into a smaller, cheaper place on the outskirts of Brooklyn.
Sabrina’s part time job at VGI became full time and college put on the back burner. But she met Mrs. Egan and a few good people in her new neighborhood. Everyone took Sabrina for Alex’s mom just as she planned.
There were just the two of them now and she would do anything before she would let the authorities separate them. So, she had put one foot in front of the other and tried to move forward. There was no time for grief. Little for reflection.
She picked up the wallet photo; she would keep it. She turned it over and on the back, in Lily’s rolling scrawl, she read: ‘My Love, I am Yours Always, Lily.’
It was dated seven months before Alex was born.
Her mother’s picture with a handwritten love note on the back of it?
In Vlad’s desk? Vlad and her mom? Vlad and her mom.
Her mind raced toward the inevitable, sickening conclusion.
Was Alex Vlad’s son? Had the media stumbled on the truth?
No. There was a logical explanation for the presence of that photo in Vlad’s desk. Wasn’t there?
Sabrina took in a couple of deep breaths, but it only made it worse. She made it to her bathroom just in time to be violently ill.
Even after she puked up her guts, her head pounded and she sat doubled over on a chair in her room, squeezing her waist to make the nausea go away.
She racked her brain for the tidbits of information her mother had dropped about Alex’s father. He was handsome, she’d said, and she’d met him through work. He traveled a lot. He was carefree, fun to be with. He was going to come back to settle in New York. Everything would be fine.
He hadn’t visited their old apartment, at least not while Sabrina had been home.
Sabrina stumbled out of her bedroom straight into Mrs. Field. Out of Sabrina’s dry mouth emerged one word ‘sick’ and the woman took one look at her and knew it to be true.
“Go on and get into bed. Maybe you picked up something from one of the kids at Alex’s school. I’ll keep an eye on him. And I’ll bring you some broth in a bit.” The older lady shooed her back into her bedroom.
“Oh, no. No food.” Just the thought of food was sickening. Sabrina shook her head and even that slight movement caused an instant pounding in her temples. “I’ll just rest for a little.” She closed her eyes, but the pictures in her head were all of Alex and Vlad. And Vlad and her mother.
Her heart and her gut refused to believe what her brain was telling her. Even Mrs. Egan had commented on the similarity in their coloring. Alex’s hair was the same raven black as Vlad’s, his eyes the exact indigo. Why had she not seen it before?
She had known the tabloid story was false. But she never really examined why people had been so willing to believe it. The resemblance was there. But Sabrina hadn’t wanted to look, she had been so angry at the false accusations Vlad had leveled at her. One media outlet had even published a split photo of Alex’s toddler face and Vlad’s, and in her mind’s eye she saw the photo again, this time with new eyes. She could see the strong nose they both possessed and the straight brows.
There really was nothing obviously of Lily in Alex, just as Sabrina had inherited few of her mom’s looks. She had her father’s russet hair and grayish eyes rather than Lily’s chocolate hair and matching eyes.
Was it true? Could it be true?
And how to find out? Her mom was the only one who could say definitely who Alex’s father was.
****
Sabrina ducked Vlad’s calls. She texted him that she had a bug and was trying to rest.
—Call when you have rested—he had responded.
Sabrina didn’t call. Mrs. Field gave him updates on her condition and, of course, Sabrina didn’t have the flu. But she stayed in her bedroom, hiding, for a complete twenty-four hours, heavy-eyed and listless. She barely slept and managed to eat only one of the three meals Mrs. Field prepared for her and Alex.
When Sabrina dragged herself out of bed and into the kitchen the next morning to bring Alex to preschool, Mrs. Field sent her back to her bed.
“Mr. Grigory said he will take Alex, no worries.”
Sabrina’s mouth twisted with snark at the thought of what a treat that would be for the toned and tanned preschool mommies and even some of the daddies she’d bet, who hadn’t seen Vlad since day one.
Later, when, as usual, Alex haltingly told her about his morning in school, the biggest news was that he had gone to school with Vlad and clearly that had helped Alex feel just a bit more grown up among his schoolmates. He was starting to gain confidence as a result of his interaction with other kids his age. Preschool was doing him good, she knew. He was definitely speaking more and he was always eager to go to see his friends in the morning. There was no clinging to her or crying. He was finding his way.
Her bargain with Vlad was paying off big time in its positive effect on her brother. As wonderful as that was for Alex, wouldn’t it be even better for both of them to know they were father and son? And could she in all conscience keep it from them? She couldn’t bear to think about it. Was she jealous of her own mother? The answer was yes. Nausea was her constant companion, and she knew that sick feeling would live inside until she found the nerve to resolve this issue.
She fought with herself. What did that picture prove anyway? There could be other reasons for such a photo to be there, couldn’t there?
Oh, c’mon, stop it, Sabrina. The obvious reason was that her mom had a relationship with Vlad and Alex was the result.
That conclusion brought a renewed bout of nausea and with it a memory of Vlad’s harsh criticism of her. That she was such a tramp that she didn’t know who Alex’s father was. She had been unable to tell her truth then, that she was Alex’s sister. Now she had no choice but to tell the truth of her relationship with Alex. Confront Vlad about his likely liaison with her mother and the product of their affair. She closed her eyes. She had never thought herself a coward, she had faced up to many harsh realities in her life, but she just knew she wasn’t ready to face up to the possibility of any conversation on that topic.
How in hell was she supposed to get through the next couple of days?