Carson
Rumor has it that Emily and Seth had broken up.
I didn’t believe it at first, those two were joined to the hip so imagine the complete bafflement when I heard this particular news spreading in the school like wildfire.
To make it clear, I asked Emily that day at lunch if she’d really broken up and she snapped at me, a clear indication that the news was true.
A sheer glee settled within me when I realized that this was my chance to tell him how I felt. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard considering the fact that I’d never done this in my life before.
I think my attraction towards him started when I first saw him with Emily. I don’t know it was about him, maybe it was his smile or just the way he was so friendly to everyone. I’m not sure.
I tried my best to be in denial, I told myself that I’d transferred to this school because I needed the change, and the girl I thought I liked deserved to know my true feelings. I thought that once I met Emily, the girl I lost my virginity to, I’d have a better understanding of what was going on with me.
But when I met Emily, I didn’t feel that spark going off inside me. I was looking for those fireworks and they were not going off and that was a clear sign that I’d totally misinterpreted everything.
My man-crush on Henry Cavil was starting to make sense to me now.
When I saw Seth pass-by in the hallways, I’d get that familiar flutter in my heart, the one I’d never felt for a girl before. I usually only felt it when I had a large pizza in front of me, and that was saying a lot. I was confused as hell.
I didn’t want to like this guy! Seth Monroe was my mortal enemy. He was here to steal the girl I liked…
Okay maybe…the girl I ‘supposedly liked’….
I’d walked the hallways frustrated, channeling my inner hate, trying to burn him with the ebbing hatred. I’d unleashed the pent-up confusion, anger all over him in the parking lot when he’d made that comment about me not making Emily come.
Because he’d hit a nail.
I’d enjoyed my first time with Emily but there had been something missing.
I started to notice him then, mostly during his games. The easy smile, the emerald green eyes, dark thick hair that curled around the nape of his neck, the hard lines of his biceps, and the broad shoulders of a hockey player. Granted that I was taller than him and much larger but I could almost envision Seth dominating me.
I wanted a man who was capable of doing that.
Whenever he would pin me with that cold look filled with animosity, it was intense and my traitor mind would convince myself that maybe Seth felt the same way. Stupid, because the entire fucking planet probably knew the guy was as straight as they come.
But when you’re seventeen like me and stupidity is your middle name, you’re bound to do something to embarrass yourself.
I decided to text him one day, this was the same time that Seth and Emily were dating so you can say this “little” crush on him was going out of hands. I shouldn’t even be doing this because Emily was my best friend and those two were perfect for each other, but a harmless text wasn’t going to hurt anybody.
Me: Hey!
Seth: Who’s this?
I decided to screw a little with him just for laughs. Clearly, he didn’t have my phone number.
Me: The girl who’s been dreaming about you for the last couple of days.
Seth: Sorry. I don’t know who you are.
Me: I’m your biggest fan!
I was laughing like an idiot.
Seth: Thanks.
Me: Wanna hang out sometime?
Seth: No. I have a girlfriend, thanks for asking.
That was totally Seth. Always to the point.
Me: It’s okay with me. I don’t care if you have a gf ;)
He stopped responding to me so I knew I’d gone too far.
Me: Hey man, sorry, I was just having fun. This is Carson.
Seth: lol.
Seth: Nice try. Better luck next time.
My heart did like ten somersaults, jumped through several hoops, and dived from the highest goddamn floor.
Me: You forgot your World History textbook.
Seth: oh, Shit.
Seth: You can give to give me during lunch tomorrow.
Me: I won’t be at school until Monday.
Seth: Okay…so when?
Me: If you can meet me at the deli near the school during lunch, you can have the book.
Seth: Cool, see you then.
Smooth Carson.
I buried my face into the pillow. He hadn’t lost the textbook, I’d sneaked it into my bag when I’d noticed it on his desk the other day.
I had lunch with him the next afternoon under the guise of returning him the textbook. I was under the impression that he didn’t hate me anymore.
After that, the break-up happened.
It took a shit ton of balls to tell Emily the truth about me and prom was the perfect timing.
Fast-forward to the present day.
I’ve had enough of keeping these feelings to myself and now that Sky and even Indigo knew about me, I felt a little better. I was accepted, they didn’t look at me like I was any different. Sky was especially very supportive, and we’d come to establish a very unlikely friendship.
I knew Sky had her things to sort out, and I might not know much about them but I was free now. A burden had lifted off me.
I needed to tell Seth about this and get it over with. I knew what his answer was going to be but telling him about it was important.
An hour later, I was standing outside Seth’s trailer house. I’d worn my favorite black t-shirt over ripped blue denims. I knocked on the door with my heart in my throat. I could turn around and leave and forget this entire thing but before I could do that the door opened.
Seth welcomed me inside the little house. He wore sweatpants and no shirt.
Bad timing.
“What’s up, man?” He asked, “Is everything okay?”
I gave him a nod, refusing to make eye contact. He was hot and if he noticed that I was blushing, I’d have to bury myself into the ground.
I sat down on the single couch facing the tiny kitchen. I heaved a sigh of relief when he grabbed for a shirt and pulled it on. I appreciated how the fabric hugged his muscles. Emily was a lucky girl and she would be stupid if she let this guy go.
“Beer?”
“Sounds good.”
He pulled out two bottles of chilled beer from the mini-refrigerator and handed one to me. He also brought homemade jalapeño poppers with a cheese dip.
I snagged a few and began eating them one after the other.
He passed me an amused look, “Slow down man, the snacks don’t have a pair of legs in case you didn’t know.”
Embarrassed, I chewed my food slowly.
He took a swig of his drink as he slid into the seat in front of me, “You told me this was important.”
“Um…yeah.” I gulped down a good amount of alcohol. I wish I could just get drunk so I would have more guts to say what I needed to. The food made me forget why I was here for a second.
“What’s going on?”
“I’m not going to beat around the bush.”
“You shouldn’t.” He admitted, taking a sip of his drink.
“I like you a lot.”
He sputtered the drink, coughing loudly, then placed the bottle at the side of the table, still trying to control the series of violent coughs.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to put it on you like that.”
He stared at me for a good ten seconds.
“I see I’ve rendered you speechless.”
“This is some prank.” He said, “You’re recording or something?”
“No, of course not.”
“This is genuine? Define the word ‘like.”
“Listen, man, I understand this is confusing as hell for you.”
“You can add shocking too,” He said quickly.
“I have come to the conclusion that I like boys better and I…” I swallowed, there was no way to backpedal the fucking kayak when I’d come this far. “I like you a lot as someone I can potentially date…and I—”
“Whoa! Carson, man…I thought you liked Emily…I mean…I knew you liked girls.”
“Yes, I thought I did but that’s not the case and I used to be confused most of my teen years but transferring to this school, and meeting you, I know I’m not straight. I’m not bi either.”
“I’m glad I could help you figure it out.”
If I scooted a little closer, I could kiss him and I don’t know how many times I’d imagined in my crazy fantasy about being kissed by Seth.
In my fantasy world, Seth had feelings for me too, and he had a wicked mouth. He said I was the most handsome guy in this world and we had a secret relationship.
Then the thought of Emily would enter my mind and guilt would stab me in the chest.
“I know that Emily and you broke up.”
“It’s not hot news anymore.”
“I was wondering if there’s a chance that you could consider me…” I wet my lips, the green eyes staring through me were making me nervous, “I know it won’t exactly be like it is with girls for you but I can promise that I’ll be a good guy, and treat you right, if you’re okay maybe we could do a trial dating…”
He smiled and broke into laughter, “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you but I’m still kind of shook with everything that you’ve told me. You sucker punched me few months ago.”
“And you punched me back several times. So, is that a yes or a no?”
“I’m honored that you feel this way, Carson but I’m completely in love with Emily and I can assure you even if you were a girl saying this to me, I’d give you the same answer. These feelings are not going to disappear just because we’re not together anymore. I can’t think of anyone else but…I’m sure somewhere down the future you’ll find a guy you deserve.”
“Emily is my…best friend and she gave me permission to go all out, so I’m gonna ask you if there is any way I can convince you to experiment with me?”
He grinned again; he was probably going to spend the next ten hours stroking his ego tonight by thinking how he got a hater to admit that he was an attractive bastard. “No, dude, I’m really sorry. I don’t swing that way.”
My heart sank but I was happy that Emily found herself a great guy. She deserved that.
“I hope she comes to her senses soon.”
“Yeah, me too.”
I stood up because I didn’t want this to get any more awkward, “I’ll see you at school.”
“You can hang out with me for a while. Sit, I made tacos for dinner.”
I sat down. I was weak for tacos, or any food for that matter. Emily kept raving about Seth’s food and I knew how delicious it was from what I’d eaten at her birthday. Well, if the man couldn’t love me back there was no rule in the book that said I couldn’t enjoy his food.
Also, Seth asking me to keep him company was a good sign, it meant he wasn’t put off by anything I’d just confessed and didn’t see me any differently.
“Do you know what are the perks of being gay?”
“You tell me.”
“We can exchange the clothes in our wardrobe, no one would notice.”
He laughed, “Good one, but I’d probably drown in your shirt.”
“I’m not that bigger than you.”
“Dude, have you looked at yourself in the mirror? I don’t have a lot of muscle like you do.”
“No, You’re super gorgeous.” I blurted out.
His face turned red, and I covered my face with my hands, “Sorry…I didn’t mean to…”
He chuckled, “Thanks for the compliment.” He grabbed my plate and started retreating towards the kitchen, “I’ll get you more of those.”
Well, at least I’d managed to make him blush. That was a win.