Aviva
I’m the biggest baby in the entire world.
Not only did I freeze the moment Ryatt announced he was making me a commander, but I went so pale that the excited look on his face–his eyes shining with pride–shattered with concern. He took one step in my direction, and I burst into tears… in front of every man in the room.
I ran. There wasn’t anything else I could do, honestly. The only man I’ve ever cried in front of is Ryan, and even then, I hate it.
I’m supposed to be tough. Hard. Unbreakable.
I skirt around the lake in my wolf form, my paws beating the rocky shore. Morning sunlight breaks over the mountains, splitting the sky with ribbons of pure gold. The pretty sage dress I fussed over this morning is caught around my neck and in shambles, which only adds fuel to the fire of my despair and desperation.
I can’t untangle the dress, just like I can’t untangle my thoughts.
A year ago, I would have been honored to be given this position. I would have jumped at the opportunity.
Now, I have no idea why I can’t get my brain to wrap itself around the idea I’m meant for more than being Lexa’s mom and Ryan’s mate.
What’s wrong with me?
I keep running until my lungs give out–at least an hour, based on the position of the sun, and then reality hits me like an arrow to the chest.
I just ran out on a meeting with the Alpha King of the Roguelands–the Shadow King of Eastonia… My uncle-in-law, who is likely wondering what the hell my problem is.
And, I ran away from the castle where Ryan and Lexa are probably eating breakfast and wondering where I went–and why.
I slink back in the direction of the city. I get glances, of course. I probably look like a mess, which is exactly how I feel. I limp around the back of the castle, where a quartet of guards let me through the gate without a word, and find Ryan sitting on the steps leading to the winding, exterior staircases that climb up the back of the castle where the private apartments are located.
He sighs heavily as I approach with his elbows resting on his knees. He tilts his head, giving me a sad sort of smile, then groans as he rises, sauntering over to me–wordlessly–and untangles the mangled dress I’ve been dragging around for over an hour.
“Let’s go,” he says, lovingly patting my head, but I can’t even look him in the eyes. I follow him up to our apartment, and once we’re closed inside, I shift back to my human form.
Ryan does a thorough sweep of my naked body with a smirk before tossing me a robe.
Still, I can barely look at him. My cheeks burn as I shrug into the robe. I threw a tantrum, plain and simple.
“Where’s Lexa?” I ask, my voice like gravel.
“Being spoiled rotten by Ella and Kenna,” Ryan says as he fishes in the dresser for something for me to wear. He unfurls a silk pajama set dusted with printed flowers and turns to face me, shrugging. “I’m not going to ask if you’re good because I can tell that you’re not.”
“Thanks,” I grumble, sinking onto the edge of the bed.
He leans against the dresser with the pajamas draped over his arm. “If I’d known Ryatt was going to spring that on you this morning, I would have stopped him… especially if I’d known he was planning on doing it in front of others. I think he assumed you’d be elated.”
“I was, I think,” I admit, scooching back and roping my arms around my knees, tugging them to my chest. “Maybe. I’m not sure…. I just panicked.”
“Why?” The question is soft and sincere.
I can feel his gaze searching my face, but I stare at a speck on the wall, honing in on it. “I’m just a girl from Endova.”
“You’re a hunter. A warrior. My Luna–”
“Exactly.” I meet his gaze. “I’m your mate, your Luna, the mother of your child. You are the Alpha. The Alpha King.” I swallow hard as a tremor of nerves rips up my spine. “How can you be so calm right now? Aren’t you upset you weren’t the one chosen for this?”
“Me?” He looks utterly confused. “Why would Ryatt make me a commander? You’ve seen me in battle. I just… roll around, hoping I run someone over.”
I exhale sharply. “I’m a woman. You’re an Alpha. You must feel like–like I’m upstaging you–”
“Aviva,” he breathes, shaking his head. His mouth stretches into a smile. “You think I’m jealous?”
“Shouldn’t you be?”
“Jealous that my wife is the most talented, vicious warrior in all the land? No, I’m not jealous. I’m turned on. It’s hot as fuck.”
I blush again for an entirely different reason. “But–I’m a mom now.”
“Yeah, you are. That doesn’t mean you’re not still Aviva, the warrior.” He walks toward me, sitting next to me on the bed. His hand smooths down my back. “You’re exhausted. We both are, but you, especially. We have a kid now. She’s… totally dependent on you. You’ve been giving your all to Lexa for almost four months. It’s gotta be shocking to remember you had a life before this.”
I exhale deeply, closing my eyes. “I don’t know what's wrong with me. I’m happy, you know? I have everything I wanted–things I didn’t know I wanted until I met you, and still… I don't know how to do both, Ryan. When Ryatt said that to me, I couldn’t form a rational thought. I just felt scared. I can’t command an army. I’m–I’m full of milk!”
“He’s not going to send you out right now, Aviva. This is in the beginning stages. I talked to him after you took off, okay? He feels awful. He thought you’d be happy, and when he saw the blood drain from your face, he realized he fucked up. He feels bad about it and clarified that he wants you as commander in the Deadlands. You’d be home with us. Called into duty when necessary. We won’t be separated.”
“Unless there’s another war.” My words float through the air and suck the oxygen from the room.
Ryan rests his hand on my thigh. “Unless there’s another war.”
Silence hugs the room around us for several heartbeats before he says, “I think… I think we don’t need to worry about this right now. I’ll talk to Ryatt again. I’ll handle it. If it’s what you want to do, do it. If not, you’re under no obligation to accept the position.”
“He’s the Alpha King–”
“Ah, well, I’m an Alpha King, too. And, you’re part of my pack. And… he’s family. He’ll understand. Right now, you should rest. I’ll go find Lexa and see what she’s up to. I’m sure she’s sick of everyone else and only wants you.”
My heart swells and aches, my milk dropping and threatening to soak through my robe. “Bring her to me?”
Ryan nods then leans down, brushing his lips over mine before kissing me tenderly–a long, passionate kiss. “I love you.”
“I love you,” I echo as he pulls away.
I sit on the bed as he leaves the room, then the apartment, his footsteps fading into the whisper of wind through the trees outside our bedroom windows.
I change into the pajamas he laid out for me and wait for him to return with our daughter… and a few minutes later, I’m greeted by Lexa’s delirious, toothless smile, her eyes washed with relief.
* * *
I spend the rest of the day in bed, which hasn’t happened since Lexa was born. Ryan flutters in and out of the room, sometimes taking Lexa with him, sometimes dropping her back off to nurse and nap, but all the while, I stay tucked in the sun-warmed sheets and lose myself to the wallpaper, finding odd shapes and faces in the florals. It’s near sunset when I finally leave my cave of rest and walk into the sitting room, stretching my arms above my head when the door opens.
Thinking it’s Ryan, I let out a huge yawn and say, “Lexa’s probably ready for bed–”
“Hey,” Misty says softly, her sharp blue eyes shining in the golden light of the sunset.
Momentarily shocked out of my senses, I stare at her. I knew she was coming to Eastonia, but I had no idea when, and I definitely didn’t expect to see her here, today, in my apartment.
She slips into the room dressed in jean shorts and a gray shirt with a flannel hanging off her shoulders, her hair braided away from her face.
I take one step, then another, then throw my arms around her and squeeze.
I haven’t seen Misty since we had our babies. It’s been months since the entire family was able to get together. I squeeze her tighter than necessary and feel tears stinging my lash line before I finally let go and hold her at arm's length.
Misty, several inches taller than me, looks down at me with a smile that hides a hint of nerves, exhaustion, and the relief we obviously share.
“Ryan said you were asleep, but I didn’t think so,” she says, reaching up to wipe her eyes with her knuckles. “I wanted to say hi before we tucked in for the night.”
“How long have you been here?”
“Maybe half an hour.” She sighs, shrugging. “Everyone’s upstairs having dinner, but I felt–I needed a minute.” Her eyes slide to her shoes.
I squeeze her arm. “I’ve been taking a break all day.”
Her knowing, answering smile warms something in my heart. Her eyes meet mine again, soft and understanding. I search for the girl I met for the first time that day in Maatua, when I woke up alone, in a bed with a view of the ocean. Misty looks the same. Her skin is still a soft golden tan, and her blonde hair shines in the evening light, but the fire in her eyes is gone. That sharp edge to her voice has softened. That unwavering confidence has slipped.
“How are you feeling?” I ask.
“How are you feeling?” she echoes, and for a moment we don’t do more than stare at each other.
Neither of us can answer that question. How do you even begin putting into words what the past months have felt like? What recovering from a war, and the loss of Isla and Maddox, has felt like?
Stack on having a baby, and it’s damn near overwhelming to think about.
A knock on the door alerts us to company. Ryan steps inside holding Lexa in one arm, and a plate piled with little cakes, cookies, and pastries in the other, followed by Cole.
Cole gives me a brief smile and a nod of his head as he dips into the room behind my mate, and I see our nephew for the first time.
“Oh, Misty,” I whisper, smiling at her before turning my attention to the baby boy in Cole’s arms. I extend my hands to reach for the boy, but Lexa gives me a disapproving squawk, which sends a ripple of laughter coasting through our little group. “She gets a little jealous if I even look at another baby,” I grumble, scooping my daughter out of Ryan’s arms.
Cole hands Adrian to Misty, and the guys arrange some plates and pour some iced tea while I stand there beside Misty, letting our babies–cousins–look at each other.
Lexa frowns at Adrian, but he doesn’t catch it. He’s more interested in the ceiling fan above our heads.
“She looks like you, Aviva,” Misty says a few moments later when we’re sitting on the couch together. Ryan and Cole are on the balcony taking in the stars, just out of our sight.
“I think she looks more like Ryan.”
“Well, she is just… huge,” Misty admits, then swallows, shaking her head. “Adrian’s a little thing.”
“He won’t stay that way.” I smile, using my finger to unlatch the death grip Lexa has on my nipple. I right my shirt and finally have the opportunity to hand her off, so we trade babies for a moment.
Adrian grunts before settling into my arms. He is small… well, I’m sure he’s a normal sized three-month-old, compared to my brute of a daughter who looks like she eats babies like him for breakfast every morning.
“Wow,” Misty coos, smiling down at Lexa. “She is beautiful. She’s going to be a real stunner. And probably a terrifyingly skilled warrior, too.”
“I hope so. I want her to be able to hold her own in the world, you know? Ryan’s determined to name her as Alpha of Silverhide one day, and make her his heir to his…she’ll be an Alpha Queen.”
“Alpha Queen,” Misty smiles wistfully. “She’ll be the first, I think. Everyone will know her name.”
I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, thinking about it now.