Misty
Some days I don’t think about the war.
Some mornings I wake to sunshine and Cole’s arms around me while I cradle Adrian in my arms and don’t think about how the three of us came to be. I think of clean sheets that smell like lavender, not the smell of Richard’s bloody war room where I’d healed that cursed wolf. I sip coffee while watching my mate–my husband–the love of my life rush around the kitchen packing his bag for another long shift at the hospital instead of watching him don that black cloak.
We have a house instead of shared spaces. Our home is safe and full of love instead of constant stress and the crushing weight that, at any moment, our safety will end.
But some days I have to remind myself that we made it out. That we’re here, and whole, and together.
Today is one of those days.
Mom peeks into the massive library at the castle of Crescent Falls. Her wine-red hair is tied back in a neat bun, but otherwise, she’s covered in finger-paint and wearing an exhausted, but utterly happy, expression as she asks, “Hungry? I can bring you up some lunch, maybe?”
“I’m nearly done,” I reply, glancing over my shoulder with a smile. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll come down soon. How’s Addy?”
“He’s fine,” she smiles, giving me a little shrug. “Trying to resist a nap. He’s very interested in everything Blake and Liam are up to today.”
“He wants to be a big boy so bad already.” My smile weakens. Adrian, who we call Addy most of the time these days, is three months old and growing fast. He’s a healthy, happy baby. An easy baby. But I look at him sometimes and see our past–how this little soul came into this world, and how different his life could be right now had my grandmother Isla not sacrificed herself for us.
I swallow past the growing lump in my throat, turning back to my laptop.
I hear Mom’s footsteps coming up behind me and smell her sweet perfume as she leans in to look over the top of my head at the screen. “You’ve been working so hard on this, sweetheart.”
“Dad thinks it’s important,” I reply with a sigh. “So do I.”
She squeezes my shoulder. “Make sure you take a break, all right?”
I nod but can’t look into her eyes. She’ll see the pain in mine, I’m sure. The nightmares, the memories I pray fade into ash.
I wait to continue typing until her footsteps recede, and the library door snaps shut, then turn back to my project.
Cataloging every wolf who went to battle that fateful day.
Anders Evermore was only fourteen when he followed his two older brothers and their father into battle. He snuck away from his mother and traveled for two days, alone, to reach the battlefield outside of Serpentia. He was one of the first “deaths,” having perished jumping in front of one of Richard’s monsters to save his brother. Marianne Clemson was twenty-three, mated, and had a baby at home when she and several of her friends left their village in the Roguelands to follow their mates into battle after deciding they weren’t going to let them die.
I smile at this tidbit of information, even though the memory of the four of us–Sarah, Kenna, Aviva, and me–doing the same thing stings a bit.
I continue down the list I compiled recently when I had the opportunity to interview a group of soldiers from Crescent Falls. It’s been easy to tell their stories, especially since all of them have phones and email addresses, but gathering the stories from those in Eastonia has been damn near impossible.
I only know about Anders and Marianne because of those who served beside them, who remembered them from battle and the war camps after the end of the battle. Kenna sent me her list from the infirmary she set up in Serpentia in the days following the war, giving me a better idea of who fought, but still, I’m missing so much information.
The weight of knowing I need to return to Eastonia to complete this catalog–this written history of the war that changed our world–presses heavily on my shoulders when I finally decide to close my laptop and head downstairs to the de-facto playroom slash war zone Mom has set up for the boys.
Sarah’s business designing parks and gardens across the capital is booming. She’s been leaving her boys with Mom or Cosette during the day while she hops around, elbows deep in dirt. She keeps herself busy enough to forget, I’m sure.
Just like I’m trying to do.
I turn into the playroom at the back of the castle just as Liam jumps off a couch right onto Blake, who squeals and rolls with Liam on his back, a fight ensuing.
“All right, nap time for everyone,” Mom says, clapping her hands.
“Where’s Cosette today?” I ask, scooping a very sleepy Addy out of his bouncer seat.
Mom separates Blake and Liam, giving them a sharp look I remember clearly from my childhood. “Artyom had a meeting today, and Cosette went with him. She seemed anxious, which is unlike her.”
I furrow my brows. Artyom, Cosette’s mate and husband, is a retired commander who used to work for my uncle Ryatt in his massive army. Artyom commanded the Ghost army for many years before Evander took over and has been living in a little cottage in Shadowcrest near my brother’s house for the better part of four years.
“What was the meeting about?” I ask, a prickle of unease creeping through my body.
“I have no idea. Your dad is in Eastonia, you know, and he took Artyom and Cosette with him. Something about the Ghost army, I’m sure.”
“Okay,” I whisper, praying silently that’s all this is about, and we’re not already facing another daunting threat. “Well, I’m done for the day, I guess. I’m going to take Addy home. I think he’ll sleep in the car.”
“He’ll fall asleep immediately,” she replies, walking over to kiss her youngest grandson on the cheek. “If you need to get out of the house tomorrow, just come back here. I’ll have the boys again.”
Thirty minutes later, I pull my car into the driveway of the stunning house we designed last winter. It’s a perfect square with two stories and beautiful windows facing south that light up nearly every room. The front yard is perfectly manicured, but the garage is still a mess. We’ve been taking our time unpacking, seeing as we have a baby and moved in a week after he was born, but it feels good to have a place to land, finally. A place that’s ours. A place we made ours.
Cole’s car is in the driveway, however, which makes me crinkle my nose in confusion. He wasn’t supposed to be off from the hospital until later tonight.
I lug Addy’s car seat through the garage door into the kitchen and find my mate leaning against the kitchen island nursing what I assume is his fifth cup of coffee today.
Cole bursts into silent action, taking the car seat from me and saying into my mind, ‘I’ll put him in his crib.’
‘If he wakes up, you’re getting him back down again,’ I reply, giving him a look. ‘He didn’t sleep at all at the castle.’
Cole smiles softly, nodding as he disappears around the corner and into the depths of the house, giving me a moment of quiet I’m not sure I want right now.
I pour myself a cup of coffee and turn, looking out the windows that give me a view of the wooded backyard. Through the trees, I can see the beginnings of another house being built. I let my mind wander over the possibilities that another family like ours will move in, that they’ll have a baby boy who will grow to be Addy’s best friend, and as the years pass, they’ll run through the woods separating our yards, playing endlessly.
Living sweetly, peacefully, in safety.
My heart lurches at the same moment Cole returns. “How’d it go today?”
“I got a few hours of work done,” I reply, setting my coffee mug down to stir more sugar into the already pale, sweet liquid. “Why are you back so early?”
Cole sighs, running his fingers through his blond curls. His pale gray eyes meet mine as he motions to the breakfast table. “Can we sit down for a minute?”
“What happened?” My blood runs cold, but Cole shakes his head.
“Nothing, Misty. Everything’s fine. I just have something I want to run past you.”
I slowly sink into one of the chairs, throwing him an uneasy look. Cole purses his lips as he sits beside me, bringing our cups of coffee with him. “I had lunch with Sydney a few days ago, remember?”
“Yeah.” I turn my mug in a circle out of nerves.
“Well, he mentioned something to me that I’ve been thinking about. How the families here… they still lean toward more traditional shifter medicine. Healing, you know. I have the opportunity to learn more about that side of things.”
“Oh,” I reply, feeling a little bit better.
“With the new clinic opening in Shadowcrest soon, I feel like it’s imperative I take this opportunity now….” He trails off, his eyes holding mine. “Misty, I’d be going back to Eastonia for a few weeks. Two months, at the most.”
I stiffen. Neither of us have been back to Eastonia since we settled in Crescent Falls, in Shadowcrest, Sydney’s territory. “You can’t learn those things here?”
He shakes his head. “Moonrise has an incredible hospital, and Ryan recently took on a healer in Silverhide from the tribal packs….” He leans forward, cupping my hands. “When Ryan visited two weeks ago, he offered to set us up in a cabin near his place if we ever wanted to visit. You love Silverhide, Misty. We could stay there for the rest of the summer. You could be with Aviva and her sister, her friends. They all have babies Addy’s age.”
I lick my lips, my entire body going numb. The sounds and colors of that battlefield flash before my eyes. I wonder if I’m the only one who feels this way… haunted. Even my powers have shied away over the past several months, simmering just out of reach, like they don’t want to be summoned again, either. Cole is happy and… just wonderful all the time.
I feel empty constantly.
“Misty,” he whispers, lifting his hand to my cheek. “I won’t go if you don’t want to go.”
“It’s not that,” I whisper, closing my eyes and leaning into his touch. “I’m just tired.”
I open my eyes to find him looking at me, a sad expression sweeping behind his eyes. I know he’s worried about me. I know he takes shorter shifts at the hospital and checks in on me constantly because he’s concerned. I know he talks to my parents often. I know that’s likely the reason Mom insists I do my work as record keeper for the kingdom at the castle, where there’s familiar voices and activity to keep me company while Cole’s at work.
Sometimes I wonder if he trusts me to be alone with Addy, and that breaks my heart.
“I think you need this,” he whispers, his thumb coasting over my chin. “I think you need to be with Aviva.”
I pull away from him, hiding the motion by bringing my coffee mug to my lips. Cole waits for my answer. I already know he won’t push me to reply until I’m ready. It’s one of the reasons I love him. I’m not sure I deserve his patience.
Addy’s soft cry echoes from the baby monitor on the kitchen island. Cole rises, leaning down to press a kiss to my temple. “I love you, Misty.”
I lean into the kiss until he pulls away to fetch our son.
I stare out the window at the sun-lit yard, at the green grass and flowers in full bloom.
I want to feel better. I desperately want to move on. But I have this sinking feeling that returning to Eastonia will just open another door to the war, chaos, and hurt I’m trying to leave behind.
But Cole has done so much for me. So much for our family.
I can do this for him.
Can’t I?