Polina
While Max is doing a photo shoot for a magazine, I can take a little break. The day is , and the night before that was unrestrained and short.
My head is a mess, my soul is chaos. This man turns everything upside down in my mind, , opens me up to a new me in my relations with the outside world and in the knowledge of body.
I'm still reeling from the last night. The minute he covered me with French roses of all and shades, I realized that I would never forget this day or this night, no matter what happens us next. From now on, the scent of these flowers will be for me a symbol of magnificent, sex.
I get chills as the picture of our intertwined bodies pops into my mind. Max had taken me in ways, seemingly in every corner of his room. My body became a solid erogenous zone, to every touch. I began to perceive everything that was happening differently too, , deeper. I felt as if he had taken my heart right out of my chest and was kissing it on the aorta.
Max looks fresh and dazzlingly handsome now, as if he'd slept twelve hours straight. And
I'm sitting there with my dark glasses on, covering my eyes that look like anyone could read exactly I've been doing and with whom.
He went to the gym in the morning! I couldn't open my eyelids until he put me under a cool .
We're in the Playboy newsroom, and throughout the interview, he was cracking jokes, being and answering tricky and overly frank questions with ease, while I could barely move my .
When asked, "How long ago was the last time you had sex, – Max replied without , "About ten hours ago, – and I paused, which I think amused everyone in the meeting where the interview was being recorded.
Forcing myself to switch.
But in my mind I'm thinking about him in one way or another. What's wrong with his ? Why does he avoid answering simple questions? And most importantly, why do I care?!
Who's Max to me?
And my own mother! What was that show she put on last night?
I start bouncing from thought to thought again: Max and his family, meeting my parents at restaurant, my eccentric mom's intemperance, why he won't tell me about his childhood. Stop!
Now, like Scarlett O' Hara I'm repeating the mantra, "I'll think about it tomorrow. I'll think about it ."
At the end of the day, driving home, I get an unexpected text message. Oops! I completely that I have an event planned for tomorrow, or rather, a parachute jump. How could I have about it?!
- Something important? - Max asks, sitting next to me in the passenger seat.
- I completely forgot. I have a skydive scheduled for tomorrow, – I waved it off.
- Wow! Polina, you're opening up to me from an unexpected side, – Max smiled his smile. - So what now? What are our plans for tomorrow? Will you take me with you?
- Am I taking you with me? Look in the folder in the backseat, what's our schedule? - I'm the car in the yard in the usual spot.
- Not so much. Tomorrow there is a joint event organized for all the participants, dinner, I another meeting on commercial negotiations in the morning, - Max runs through the list with eyes. - Basically, nothing else significant. And what time is your parachute?
- Ten o'clock in the morning, – I had to make a decision. I hate to postpone the jump, I've preparing for it for so long. How, how could I forget? Because of Max, of course. He made me everything.
- Look, if we have to, let's reschedule for later. Will you take me with you? - Max gives me a wink.
- I don't know. Are we gonna make it? - I'm having second thoughts about taking him on the
Gull.
- If we plan our day right, we can make it. We can move the meeting to the afternoon, right?
Then we can go straight to dinner, and we'll be on schedule.
I'm looking at the time. I still have time to contact the owner of the private gallery. Ugh... He to move it to the afternoon.
At home, while I'm examining the contents of the refrigerator, I catch Max's attentive gaze.
- Polina, let's go for a walk and eat at a restaurant and talk.
- What's this all of a sudden?
He smiles ironically.
- If we stay home, we're going to do exclusively what we've been doing for the last forty- hours.
- Okay, let's go, – I agreed. I have a lot of questions for him, too. I leave the car in the lot and suggest we walk to the restaurant, it's not far.
- Why did you decide to go skydiving? - Max decides not to postpone the "interview".
- I've been BASE jumping a few times, wanted to compare the experience.
-You and BASE jumping? - Max smiles incredulously.
- Yeah, me and BASE jumping. What surprises you?
- You're opening up a new side of you to me, Polina. You and risk are incompatible for me.
I chuckle.
- Yeah? - I can't hide the irony.
- You're gentle. Very... Mm-mm, he's searching for words. - Subtle. I don't know, but I never you with risk. You and dancing-yes, it's evident even in your gait, – I'm ready to purr at compliment. - Tell me, what are your favorite extreme sports? Do you like adrenaline?
We're at “Limp Paul’s", my favorite restaurant, with an informal atmosphere. The main is that there should be free places, it is always crowded here, and it is advisable to book a in advance. Luckily for us, there was a table, but not on the open veranda, but in the hall.
- So, Polina, what are your favorite extreme sports? Or at least sports. Let's start with an one.
- I like a lot of things, – I look over the menu. - I ski the black slopes, I really like downhill . A lot! My parents and I go to the mountains every winter for a couple weeks. I've been since I was a little kid. Skates. Is that adrenaline? - I chuckle. - In the summer, water skiing. I my hand at scuba diving. Kitesurfing is the obligatory menu of the summer, water program. I that's it, – I summarize.
- What about all of them? You said yourself that you were BASE jumping, – Max objected.
- You didn't jump by yourself. With an instructor. In the Canaries. There are all the for that. And once in the Carpathian mountains. I couldn't resist.
- Did you bungee jump?
- No, I didn't jump, but I really wanted to once. In France. There wasn't enough time, and
Mom was horrified, – I giggle.
Max stares at me, squinting slightly. It was like he was seeing me for the first time.
- What do you experience when you take a risk?
- I never thought I'd take any risks. I just love the speed, the wind in my face, the inside. Do you?
- Definitely, – Max nods. - Everything you listed and rope-jumping to top it off. Surfing. Do like to drive fast?
- Yes, I do. I've done a couple of amateur car races. There's a couple places in town where meet at night. I tried it. I liked it. Why?
Max laughs infectiously.
- Polina, you're so funny! I was sure that you are an exceptionally delicate creature, woven air and clouds and you can be painted only with watercolors. But you have a hard core and a dose of dynamite. You're a rascal.
- I thought you knew the day before yesterday that I was a prankster, – I fake lower my eyes.
Max laughs even louder:
- Really, I should have known better.
- I have a question, too. Why don't you want to talk about your past, for example. Where you , who you dated?
- Is that so important to our relationship? - Max sends an olive into his mouth.
- Why not?
- Because those questions usually come up at some point, – his direct remark confused me, my head. What was I thinking? Why did I think he was interested in me outside of bed?
Here's the straight answer, Polina. I'm just a temporary sexual diversion for him. Limited to the time 's here. He'll leave in a few days and forget me! That's the answer. There's no intimacy. There's sex. He's been honest with me about the limits he's allowed to live within.
- Polina, – Max breaks into my thoughts. - What's wrong? Why are you so sad?
- No, nothing. I'm sorry if I slipped up and asked a personal relationship question. It's just .
Max stares at me for a long, silent moment. He doesn't try to dispel my words; on the , his silence seems to confirm them. For the rest of the dinner, we exchange meaningless, remarks. My mood is ruined, and I try to understand its nature. What was I counting on with ? It's only desire. Sexual desire. Apparently, I expected a relationship to continue. Perhaps back the States. Maybe, uh.
- Let's go for a walk, – Max suggests as we step out into the warm May evening. - Is there a around here?
- Yes, - we're going to the Park of Glory, a five-minute walk from the restaurant. I lead Max the observation deck, from where there is a fantastic view of the domes of Lavra, which, it , you can reach with your hand, and the left bank of the Dnipro river, as if in the palm of your . Evening lights are already turning on, and the city is enveloped in a special atmosphere of and mystery.
- Max looks around, taking a few shots while I lazily pick at the gravel beneath my feet with toe of my shoes. - Now tell me why you're in a bad mood, – he sits down on the parapet, takes in a ring of his arms, and pulls me to him. What should I say to him? That I was hoping for more than a simple, animal fuck. I don't say anything. Max lifts my face up by my chin, me to look into his eyes.
- Answer, please.
- I don't want to, – I put my hands on his shoulders and slide down to his chest. I don't want ruin these days by talking, by figuring out a relationship that doesn't exist. It's not worth it. He's their boundaries himself, just at the restaurant, and they're narrowed to the confines of the .
- Good. Then smile, – he rubs his nose against mine and smiles. Our faces are very close . His breath is on my skin. - I really want our relationship to have the lightness it's had all time.
- Not in a relationship, but in sex, – I drop, unable to contain myself.
- Yes, in sex, – Max confirms. - We don't recognize other relationships, – he stresses the "we.
I have nothing to say, it's true. But it's also not true! It is possible not to make vows of love, not to swear strong feelings, but to have something more than just sex: respect, interests, trust.
For a little while my resolve to stay away from the questions is enough, they burst out of me .
- Do you separate relationships - just sex or sex with something else? I can't believe that the age of thirty-three, your life was all about sex. What's wrong with asking the man I'm a bed with about his life? Is that a taboo subject? Besides, I'm not in the habit of jumping bed to bed. I'm very selective, so it's no surprise that the size of your penis isn't the only thing
I'm interested in, Max,
- I appreciate that, – Max settles me on his knee, stroking my back. - I don't talk to you the past, not because I'm hiding it from you, but because I don't remember it. I don't talk to about the past, not because I'm hiding it from you, but because I don't remember it myself. It's of taboo for me. That doesn't mean I've forgotten. I remember, but it's not crucial on a global . I confess, I was pleased to hear that you are very selective in your sexual relations, and I it. Trust me, too, that my past doesn't mean anything to our relationship, – Max explained .
- Yeah, selective. Too selective. You probably don't realize how much, Max. A lot of things new to me with you. I want to know more about the man who opens up the world of sensuality me than just the twists and turns of sex, – I frown, and Max smoothes the invisible wrinkle my eyebrows with his finger.
- Polina, I've developed a definition of life for myself. A long time ago. Can you fully grasp principle of Tabula Rasa? I admit it's a lot to figure out, but it's my philosophy of life. Each starts with a clean desk, a clean slate.
- Max, but it's utopia! - I interrupt him unrestrainedly. - Are you saying that everything 've lived, all the people who were in your life, are forgotten and crossed out? That they have no on your experience?
- I never forget anything. Memory is almost the only thing you can't take away from a . It's much simpler than that, Polina, – Max smiled ironically. - Every time I start my life . This is according to the rules of the Roman Stoics, who taught to live in harmony with nature, be whole and unperturbed. Aristotle once compared the soul to an outstretched hand. So, to the principle of Tabula Rasa - we are blind and with an outstretched hand we walk by , making our way in the Universe. This applies to absolutely everything. There is no point in the weight of previous relationships into a new one. Why in the future old resentments, , negativity of the vulgar? Having gained experience, draw conclusions, discard all the , peel away all the superfluous and live on. It's like a chessboard. Having played a game, you the table of pieces, and then the next game starts again. You know?
- But how? How, Max? How do you forget something that has caused a heartache, for ? Teach me. Teach me how to forget when you can't get the event that shaped your , shaped you as a person, out of your head?
- That's not what I'm talking about. Not about character building, but about attitude and . Look at nature. Every year, a flower makes its way through the earth. It learns for first time what sun, rain, wind are. It blooms, grows, absorbs, dies when the time comes. And next year it blooms again and learns the world anew. During the winter the seed will get , and in spring the flower will blossom many times brighter, bigger, more lush, or maybe on contrary it will languish. In the same way a man, having passed the experience through his , should be born different. And what kind of a person depends on the person himself, as far as soul forces are enough. Or here is an example with a chessboard again. In chess, from game to , you gain experience, but a new partner comes and offers his own layout, you answer or break plans, and it will be a completely different game from all the previous ones. But as usual, you start with a clean chessboard.
- Wow! Even like that? - I wonder. - And you're good at this?
- Yes, it does. I never transfer previous experiences to anyone or anything. Every , every stage of my life is a new page, a clean slate. It's much more pleasant to live like , by the way.
- Okay, – I realize I'm about to start talking about "my" again, but my curiosity is already ahead of me. - What about the woman you're going to call your own, like you said, – I rub bridge of my nose with both hands, folding them in a boat, a sure sign of excitement. - You said that sooner or later she'd show up. What about her? I mean, she'll have experience.
- What do you mean? - Max looks at me very carefully, squinting slightly. - You need to be specific.
- Well-" I exhale. - Principle-what kind of relationship did she have before you, how does feel about her experience? I mean, she could have a different principle. I mean, the experience 's had from previous relationships will affect her behavior, her relationship with you.
The corners of Max's lips lift in a half smile and stiffen.
- No, Polina. The woman I call mine will be Tabula Rasa, pure and simple. She won't care all her previous experiences, because only our relationship will matter to her. The other next to me just won't survive. It doesn't matter if she's a virgin or if she's had any number of in the past. It doesn't matter if she was happy or unhappy in her past life. Whether she has or not. My woman will come to me cleansed of her past experiences. It will be left behind.
Our life is completely new for the two of us, will allow her to be the child inside, free of any .
- What about you? What about you? - I realize I've gone too far, and I don't really need his
"truth". Obviously, I don't fit his idea of "my woman" at all, so there's no point in inquiring, but I've asked.
- Likewise, of course. I told you I live by that principle, Polina.
- So you'll be just as Tabula Rasa to her-pure, unadulterated, unprejudiced, despite what before? - I raised an eyebrow incredulously.
- No other way. Why should my woman have to deal with the problems of my past? I won't to deal with them myself, they're over, that's it, that's it. After all, even if you deny all the of life, it is humiliating to stigmatize a new relationship with the old. Everything should new, from scratch. To compare, contrast, fit the mold of the old, already insult your current , perhaps you are of the same opinion? But it's also demeaning to the past, in my opinion.
After all, it was with you, and at that moment people had something in common. It's like I'm going start asking you about the details of your life with Igor, and you're going to treat me like you did , – Max stops talking, and I don't have an answer. The silence drags on, but he doesn't rush me.
- I understand you, – I finally squeezed out. It's only fair. Why drag the memory of the past a new relationship? But I feel a sharp stab of regret that after our parting, Max will just move , and everything that was between us will be erased, swept from the table of his life.
- You're sad..." his voice pulls me out of my thoughts. I shrug.
- I imagined that when we parted, you would forget everything that had happened between in that instant.
"I can't imagine forgetting, erasing the experience with you from my life. It probably means lot more to me than it does to you, Max", – I keep quiet about it, unable to say it out loud. He , pulling me to him.
- Polina, enough about thinking about the principles of life. I'm not going to break up with just yet, – he touches my bottom lip with his thumb, stroking it, his eyes darkening, his laughter . I dive into his gaze, diving into it, my breath catching.
For me, he is my Tabula Rasa. I don't remember anything about my past, it has no meaning me. If I had once known that a desire could be so powerful, I would not have believed that it be me. I don't know if I'll be able to practice the Tabula Rasa principle in the future, but with
Max it worked one hundred percent. More than that. A hundred and one. It's physically impossible me.