Max
A rainy morning in hot August New York City creates a steamy effect. Its color matches my state.
Six o'clock in the morning. My life is organized almost minute by minute. It's easier to my emotions, to keep them in check. My routine.
I shower, get cleaned up, and head to the fitness center. I increase my workout by half an , load myself with as many exercises as possible, then the pool, at least three quarters of an .
I run into Dylan on the way out.
- Max, hi! We shake hands. - You're earlier than usual today. What about sparring?
- Tomorrow or the day after tomorrow? - I suggest.
- Uh, sure. I'll call you later?
- Yeah, dial it up. I'll work around your schedule.
Today I'm driving to the studio in my jeep after training. I take all of Polina's portraits, put in special cases for transportation, and leave the big painting in the studio.
Emilia is already back from the store, I can hear her fiddling in the kitchen.
- Good afternoon, Max.
- Hi, Emilia.
- Have you had breakfast?
- No. Don't worry, I'll grab a bite later.
- You've hardly eaten anything for the last week. I'm all set. Salad, cheesecake?
- Thank you, Emilia. Leave it. Later.
I hung the pictures, choosing a place for each one. In the bedroom, opposite the bed, I put a of Polina with her fingers folded over her lips. It's very appropriate for this room.
Emilia is standing in the living room looking at the one I've hung across from the couch.
- Is this from the latest work, Max? - she asks.
- Yeah.
- A very pretty girl.
- Yes, – I answer succinctly. - Where's your cheesecake? - I smile at Emilia. - I could use a of strong coffee.
She happily rushes into the kitchen to serve me breakfast.
- - - -
Today I will be able to attend Polina's rehearsal, Mark, her teacher, has agreed to arrange informal visit for me. I will watch from behind a small partition at the end of the hall.
I've made myself comfortable and chosen a point from which the hall is almost completely view. But I'm here for nothing - Polina isn't at the rehearsal.
- - -
I arrange my lunch in the studio, seated on the floor in front of Polina's portrait. It's not . I'm not doing it on purpose.
Looking at the painting, I remember her eyes that night, when our world shattered, broke . I shout. There's a lot left unspoken between us! We need to talk, to figure out what's keeping from continuing our relationship. We need to explain ourselves.
The solution comes by itself: meet her today from work, we can talk in any cafe, since she is afraid of my touch.
As luck would have it, the whole city was jammed with traffic, even though I'd left early. I'm pushing the flow of cars, trying to squeeze into any gap, if I can. I'm looking at my watch,
I'm not gonna make it by 5:00, for fuck's sake. I hope that Polina will be late at the office today, she leaves later than she should.
I don't get to the office center until a quarter to 6:00. Well, I'll have to check with the desk to see if she's left the building. Before I reach the middle of the huge hallway, Polina from the elevator. She's so thin, so fragile, that she seems even more vulnerable than usual.
Her cheeks are slightly sunken, and her eyes are even bigger. There's a hallway between us, people about, and a column I haven't had time to avoid. I take a wide step toward her, then slow sharply.
Polina is followed by a tall, tanned brunette who comes out of the elevator. They walk side side, very close to each other, he says something, constantly drawing her attention, she nods in . Perhaps she senses my gaze, looking around the hall. I quickly hide behind a column to catching her eye.
I'm probably too late for my visit. Fuck. Fuck!
I lean my forehead against the smooth surface of the column. A strange, unfamiliar feeling up inside me, burning, hurting. Polina's gaze slid to where I'd been standing before, but I back, not wanting to be discovered.
She and the brunet walk toward the exit, the man touches her waist with his hand, almost , but enough for me to experience a sharp jab in the solar plexus area.
How astonishing that such a trifle suddenly proves to be an obstacle to me! It's just a man's around her waist! But I'll be damned, I can't even take a step in her direction. An unfamiliar ignites inside and begins to fill me to the brim. It's jealousy. Primitive, primal jealousy. Am I of jealousy? Me?! That's nonsense. Nonsense!
Fuck the metamorphosis that's happening to me. The fact is that Polina has obviously to get rid of her attachment to me as soon as possible, supplanting it with another . I must accept her choice. But why is that akin to violence against myself?!
I stay put for a while, not wanting to run into them at the entrance. But as I sit down on the
Harley, I feel her eyes on me. Looking around, I notice her at the brow, she's looking right at me.
She's alone now, her buddy or traveling companion, whoever he is, isn't around. As I fasten my , we meet gazes as far as distance allows. We nod to each other. Everything is terse, . Everything is so detached that it feels like it's not with me. Not with us. She turns away . Defiantly turns away from me.
A car pulls up next to her, she throws a quick, cautious glance in my direction, and then, on thought, disappears into the car.
Overtaking the car with Polina, I notice with a quick glance that a woman is driving.
That fact doesn't bring me relief. I'm stuck on a picture I saw in the hall. Polina and another . I must get rid of this unfamiliar feeling at once! That's what should be worrying me.
Friday we have our weekly sparring session with Dylan and he leads 4-1.
- Max, pull yourself together. Are you losing to me on purpose? - He asks me after the next . I nod and try to tune in for the next fight, concentrate, do breathing exercises, stretching, -ups on my hands. This fight is a draw, but I don't want to train anymore.
We walk towards the shower together and then run into Dylan in the locker room.
- Max, – he pulls me aside. - I hope you don't mind that Carina and I are now... – he for words. - Together.
- Against? - I'm surprised. - Why would I mind?
- You've met, maybe... – he tries to explain.
- Dylan, buddy, don't sweat it, – I interrupted, patting him on the shoulder. - It could hardly called "meetings" and hardly even that reason to be against it, - I put my bag on my shoulder. -
See you later.
- Are you okay, Max?
"Hmm... Is it really that noticeable?"
- Yeah, it's fine.
There's a Skype call from Alexis this evening.
- Hey, little brother! You forgot all about your rambunctious sister!
- Hey, Alex! Did you trim your mane? - I love it. It's about time she got her mojo back.
- Aren't you bored in New York? Why don't you take your loser sister and your tight ass to
Oahu? At least for ten days. What do you say? I'm still planning on coming to see you.
- We can stay longer if you want. August is not a good time for New York.
- Oh! Is that you, Max?! You'll be out of your studio and eating my brain in five days.
- I won't cry. I can work there.
- Then this will be my best vacation ever! Only, brother, I want to stop by New York first. I shopping plans!
- Has it ever been different before? - I'm laughing. - When can I expect you?
- Tomorrow.
- Are you kidding me?
- Why is that? Tomorrow is at your place, and in two days we're flying to Hawaii! - she .
- Hm..... Okay. Why not? I just need to call back the cleaning company to get the apartment .
- Can you make it?
- I'll try. What time should I meet you?
- I'll be at the Kennedy at noon.
- I'll meet you.
- I'm sure you did, bro. Mwah, – Alex sends me a kiss with one finger, a thing we've had we were kids. We're more than twelve years apart, so she's always been and will always be my sister to me.
Thank God, my sister is already running toward me. Alex wraps both arms around me and her nose into my shoulder-she's a tall girl. I stroke her short hair:
- Why did you cut your curls? - I smack her on the cheek. Taking the light bag from her, I Alex to the parking lot.
- In protest, – she laughs, answering in French, as usual. - Ah, you should have known how mom was! And papa! Ha ha! They want me to keep studying, and I don't want to!
I'm driving a Gelandewagen on the highway from the airport to Manhattan.
- What do you want to do? To run a business?
- A photo studio! I want to create. You understand me, don't you? My dad won't give me any until I graduate.
- Earn it, – I shrug.
- Ha-ha, "earn"! Where? Waitressing? Part-time babysitting? You can't study and work at a job. Who would want someone like that? I've got photo shoots, but they're random and it's what I want.
- All right. I'll lend you a sum, I emphasize. - A loan! - She unbuckles her seatbelt and herself around my neck with a shriek, causing the car to swerve slightly-I nearly lose control Alexis's exertion. My sister, happy as she was, didn't hold back her emotions.
- Max! I wasn't dreaming. I knew! I knew it!
- You want us to get fined and I wreck the hell out of the car? - I furrow my brows , though for the first time in ten days I want to laugh.
- I'm sorry, please, – she returns to her seat, buckling herself in.
- Mom will be furious, – she does a goat and bounces happily in her chair.
- If that's how you express your joy, I'll think hard about giving you money. You don't seem be ready to invest serious sums yet.
Alex slaps me on the shoulder:
- Don't worry, brother, I'll pay you back with interest.
- We'll see, – I smile. I like her enthusiasm.
- I'll get cleaned up and get to Soho in no time?
- Yeah, but first let's grab a bite to eat, – I head for the kitchen.
- I guess so. You've lost a little weight, – Alex shouts from the bathtub.
Mouthful of risotto, she nods at the wall:
- Do you have a new model? I really like the new work. Interesting ones. But she's . Isn't there a lot of her?
I shrug my shoulder and continue eating in silence. From the portrait on the wall across from , Polina stares at me, half of her face covered by a fan. Alexis sneaks a glance at me and eating, eyes raised to the ceiling.
- That's... What an idiot I am! - Alexis slaps herself on the forehead. - That's your ?! She's beautiful.
- She's not my girlfriend, – I said, in the tone that instantly cooled my impetuous sister's . - Eat up, Alex, if you want to make the most of Soho. I have to go to practice tomorrow , and I want to get a good night's sleep, not fall asleep on the go.
She immediately shuts up. Alexis knows very well when I want her to leave me alone.
- You've gotten boring, Max, – she picked at her plate with her fork. - We could do fun at the club. It's Soho. You're going to bed.
- Yeah, I want to get some sleep, – I close the conversation. Alex sulks and sticks out his lip.
-Will you at least go shopping with me? - she asks after a long pause.
- Do I have to?
- I don't know now. You're a pain in the ass today! I thought I was going to my brother's, but
I'm going to my grandfather's. I don't know what I'm gonna do with you in Soho. How am I gonna on swimsuits? The salesgirls will think you're my bodyguard.
I hum:
- That's fine. Being a bodyguard is more than enough for me.
In the midst of an exhausting shopping spree that only my sister is capable of, I protest. I a dozen bags in each hand.
- Alex, if I don't roll my dice somewhere right now, I'm going to resort to your method - ! - I'm giving you a mock ultimatum.
We pick the nearest cafe, which turns out to be The Cupping Room Cafe.
During our walks in Soho we were here with Polina. We sat at a small table for two not far the high arched window, opposite each other. Polina was drinking a mojito, I was drinking a . We laughed and discussed plans for August: I planned to take her to the shooting range for weekly training, and she offered to sign up for skydiving. Just then I thought I could be her and do a tandem jump with her.
This place is always crowded, today especially, but there are a few free tables. We are to the same part of the cafe where Polina and I were sitting, but in the center of the room. I order an iced coffee, Alex asks for a menu. Obviously, we'll be here for a long time - sister urgently needs a snack, so she orders strawberry French toast and a large cup of .
I feel someone's eyes on me. When I look back, I see a short woman with blond hair and a blond girl at the table across from us. The woman looks away exactly as I look at her. I've seen before, but I can't remember where or when.
Alex distracts me by clarifying how much more time we can wander around the stores.
- Is an hour enough? - I'm looking at my watch.
- Oh, Max! - she shouts. - Are you kidding me? I don't have anything for the beach yet! I with an empty bag.
- If you spent less on clothes, you could save up for a photo studio, Alex, – I tease her. She her tongue at me. A girl in a wide-brimmed hat and a light-colored dress walks past us, by a blond girl and a woman with blond hair. I can't take my eyes off the girl in the hat. I 't see the color of her hair. I lift up to get a better look at her, but I am uncomfortable because of narrow aisle and the waiters and other customers scurrying around.
But that's enough for me. It's Polina. I'd recognize her out of a million.
- Max, did you see someone? - Alexis asks.
I don't say a word.
I have this incredible urge to catch up with her. To call out to her. To touch her hand. To look her eyes. But I lean back in my chair. I stare at her until she disappears into the flow of people.
"The tether between us tightens, causing pain. There's a nagging pain in my spine.
She was with the woman and the girl, but she made no sign of her presence. Polina saw me! She made it clear that she had no intention of crossing paths with me. I'm with longing. The longing I'd been trying to push down as deep as possible spreads like a blot inside me, eating me whole.
How could I not have noticed her before? I turn again to where the girl and the woman were , trying to understand. I can only see part of the table. Holy mother of fuck... Why? Why?!
I can't concentrate on anything else but Polina!
Only now I know that she doesn't want to see me. My hopes that she would eventually me melted away like smoke.