Max
Polina drifts off to sleep. I stare at her dear face, afraid to give myself away. I hold back until last moment. She's hot. I press my lips to her forehead. I should take her temperature. When
Polina's eyelids flutter a few times, I realize she's asleep and kiss her almost weightlessly. It's a .
I'm not allowed to touch you by definition, Polina.
A tearing pain, as if there were a minefield inside me and the detonation was sending shells into the air one after another, mixing all my senses, destroying what was left of my . I am at the epicenter of this explosion.
An invisible rope stretched between Polina and me, and it stretched taut, turning into a rigid . I feel a nagging invisible wound inside from this tension. No, it's not physical. But there is a embedded in my solar plexus that only I know about. The cable extending from it binds me to woman most desirable to me, the one and only, the one who matters more than the world, my
Polina. I am chained to her, and the cable is tightening, causing a hellish, searing pain!
I look at her, delicate and fragile and vulnerable. I'm drawn to her like a magnet. She won't anything tomorrow anyway. I've given her a powerful sleeping pill, and she'll sleep the morning.
She was pounding. And now there was still a large, rare shiver running through her body. I to give you another shiver, to make you shake just from making love. With me.
I throw my jacket on the floor. I lie down on top of the blanket and pull her against me.
Tears burn my eyelids. I fumble for Polina's hands, cover them with my own, kiss the top of her , and bury my nose in her hair.
When her breathing finally evened out and she stopped sobbing in her sleep, I gently rolled over onto her back and covered her face with kisses. I gently touch her lips, circling them with tip of my tongue.
Oh, Baby, my Baby....
Why am I such a negative hero to you? Why do you think I'm such a villain? My girl...
Not mine anymore...
There's a lump in my throat. Who says men don't cry?
You can't hear anything now anyway, and you won't learn anything.....
- I love you, – I whisper in her ear. - I love you so much.
I run my nose around your ear lobe. You love this caress so much, my girl. I want to give just one more night of love. To give myself a night with you.
I can't help but caress you, can't look at you without touching you. From day one, this is I wanted, to feel your skin under my palms. You don't want me to touch you, and I'm caressing . For the last time, Babe. Was what I did to you obscene? Did we have frivolous, dirty sex? I my love into you the best way I know how. Every time I touched you, I filled you to the with love. When I merged with you, with every movement in your body, I told you "I love ."
I guess I don't know how to love. I can't tell you how much you mean to me, Polina... I'm .....
- I'm sorry, – I whispered against her lips. I kissed her face again.
I would never dare to tell you that I love you if you could hear me. As soon as I love , the whole world collapses and those to whom I confess my feelings leave me alone with .
There you go.
She's already gone. Left me.
I love you enough to do anything you ask. Even if it means a small death for me. Even if I to do something completely different.
I stroked her lip with my thumb, wiggling in her sleep. Drawing her cheekbone with the of my hand. Kissing the finger peeking out from under the blanket. Closing herself off from , crossing her arms. I open her slightly, take her palm in mine, kiss her.
I cover it again to keep it warm.
I kiss my favorite lips. I caress them with my tongue. The fiery pain, excruciating, , encompassing my groin and belly deep inside.
God, I'll go crazy when someone touches you or kisses you. Someone will look at your , but not me.
In your sleep, you sighed and opened your mouth. My breathing is heavy and deep, and I'm in my temples. I kiss you the way I want to, penetrating your mouth with my tongue, your tongue. You stir in your sleep, and I squeeze you tight.
I breathe you.
Polina...
I gotta go.
I get up, pick up my jacket. I take one last look at you as I say goodbye.
I quickly turn around and leave. I put my keys on the front table. I set the lock so that it shut and no one can get into your apartment.
Out on a rainy summer evening.
Well, it's just getting started. Ten o'clock. Perfect time for a walk.
I put on my helmet and get on the bike, pointing it toward the intersection of 68th Street and
Broadway. There's a spot where I can park the Harley. I enter the lobby of the apartment building.
At the front desk is Bill, the concierge.
- Good evening, sir, – he nods at me and smiles slightly. - It's been a long time since you've here.
- Hey, Bill. You working your shift today? - I'm putting a bill on the counter.
- That's unnecessary, Mr. Cameron. Ms. Diane isn't here yet. She usually comes back after o'clock at night. And not alone, – he lowers his voice. - He has a security guard.
I put in another bill.
- You didn't see me, Bill.
I walk to the elevator, push the button for the twelfth floor.
Not much has changed in here. Only there's a new painting on the wall. I sit on the floor the door to Diana's apartment. I can see the hallway from here. There's a flower in a tub in corner. I get up and move it, covering my hiding place.
While she's away, I try to remember my feelings for her. The old ones. Nothing. I loved her.
It felt like love to me then. Our relationship was different from anything I'd had before Diana. She always reserved, a little distant. And I wanted to tame her, make her mine, see her worship and before me. Oh, God, it's been a long time. She left scratches on my heart. But I loved it. Right until the moment when the game ended for me and life began, and she kept playing. She was playing. Our relationship was exhausting, exhausting. I constantly had to guess her moods, out what she hid between the lines, guess her true intentions.
I stare at the door of her apartment. I bought it in the first few months of our affair. It was market price, but Diana wanted that exact view from the window and I didn't hesitate to take deal. I can't remember if we were happy here, not even a little bit? Nothing. Not one pleasant . After a while, I can characterize my feelings as disgust and a sense of cheap farce.
There's the sound of an elevator approaching. On a gut level, I know it's going to stop here. I up and press myself tightly against the wall.
The doors slid open silently, and three men stepped out into the hall. The big, burly guard in front, bigger and a little taller than me. Diana is a step behind him, with some middle-aged of slim build.
Quickly assessing the situation, I swiftly step out from behind my temporary shelter.
In a matter of seconds, while the guard is regrouping, I smash his head into his chest so hard he falls on his back, gasping for breath. With my foot I knock the Glock from him and throw to the far corner of the corridor. Everything happens in a flash. He doesn't have time to do because of my quick reaction time. While he regains consciousness, I lift Diana's by the pecs and, with a sharp twist, throw him across the corridor to the opposite corner.
Diana freezes in place, but immediately yelps loudly and runs to her saving bodice. I jerk the guard , hit him with two quick, swinging punches to the neck, knocking him out completely, and catch to Diana in two leaps. Grabbing her by the tail, I pull her down on top of me in one hard motion, my palm over her mouth. I shoved her against the wall, pushing her back against it with my weight.
- Shut up, – I wheeze in her ear, pressing her face against the wall, and she yelps and shuts .
- Stay where you are, and nothing will happen to you, – I throw her suitor a sharp look. - If make a move, I'll have to smash her against the wall and then put you down. Okay? I don't want trouble.
He nods and his back crawls back until he rests against the obstacle behind him.
- Hi, – I said quietly in Diana's ear and turned her around to face me. Her eyes are wide , pupils dilated with terror. I clench my fingers around her throat. I know there are no emotions my face right now. I've extinguished them inside so they don't get in the way of controlling the , or I'll go into a tailspin. Only the tether is taut, causing a dull ache in my chest.
- What did you say to her, bitch? - I'm wheezing in Diana's face.
She gulps for air, red in the face, drops of sweat glistening on her forehead. I clench my tighter and shake her by the throat:
- What did you say to her? - I'm raising my voice half a tone.
- Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-x, – she wheezes. I unclench my fingers slightly - You're... strangle .
- Don't doubt it. With pleasure. I’ll stop if you get any closer to her even once more, – I hiss in her face, ensuring that only she can hear me
- What did you say to her, – I ordered almost silently. I caught a glimpse of the commotion my right.
- Stay down, – I yelled at the man in the corner. I had to let Diana go. I jump up to him and the phone out with my foot, knocking him over with a straight punch to the jaw. He collapses a thud, his head hitting the floor and he passes out.
Diana takes advantage of the situation and runs for the elevator, but I'm quicker. She's who she's messing with. I cover the distance to her in practically two jumps, pushing her both hands into my shoulders. Losing her balance, she falls to her knees, lunging forward with body, but I grab her by the hair to keep her from hitting the wall and drag her across the floor.
With a shriek of pain and fear, she quickly scrambles to her feet, trying to twist away, but I wrap her around my arm, turning her so that Diana has no choice but to kneel in front of me:
- What did you tell her? I ask one last time, – my voice is foreign now, cold, cruel. I lean her, pulling on her hair, making her wince in pain.
- Said you paid me a million dollars. Max, – she wheezed, - I'm in pain. I'm scared!
- What are you talking about? You've given me a new quality today, I think I hit women, – I her by the throat again and force her to her feet, holding her up only by the neck. - Did you tell that? Fear! You'll be the first bitch I kill.
The guard gives signs of life, and I let go of Diana's neck and punch him twice in the face, him again. Unsportsmanlike, but I have no choice now. Diana falls to her knees again, and
I immediately lift her up by her hair without a shadow of regret and squeeze her throat again.
- Why. Did. I. Pay. A million? Answer me, – I growl in her face.
- For abortion, – Diana wheezed. - They asked me to. Vlad, – she gulps for air, opening her wide. I loosen my grip, and she goes pear-shaped on my arm, hanging by her hair, but I pull back, forcing her to her feet.
- Say that again. Who? - I put my ear close to her lips.
- Vlad. I don't know. That's what he called himself. I don't know. He is Slavic, – she said, moving her lips.
- How much did he pay you?
- Five... Five thousand, – she wheezed.
- What else did you say to her? Answer me! - I shake her by the hair, noting how her face in sharp pain.
- Nothing more, – she looks into my eyes and recoils, gibbering rapidly. - That you're your throat... during.... during sex...and all you want is sex.....
- More. More what? - I'm ready to strangle her right here. I'm holding myself back with a effort, forcing myself to stop. The rage is about to erupt, and then I'll lose control. She something unintelligible, and I slap her. She cries out, howling and twisting her mouth.
- Maaax, sorryyyyy, – she howled, but not waiting for me to comfort her, she squeezed out.
- Said you were against family relationships... didn't want kids... That we were supposed to get , but I broke off the engagement.... Because of what you did. Because of the abortion and relationship with your parents. Max, I'm sorryyyyy.. – she closes her eyes as she continues to . I push her away, effortlessly, but she flies to the floor, rolling a couple of meters away. I walk to her and turn her face toward me with the toe of my shoe and look down at her.
- If you come within ten meters of Polina, I'll kill you. Even if I spend the rest of my life in . That's not a threat. It's a warning. You better pray not a hair falls off her head, or I'll think it's . Trust me, I won't play gentleman this time, – I put my foot up and press her head against the , forcing her to look at me. - If you, or your pouch, try to call the police now, I'll turn you in. I'll information like how you maimed Vanessa Davidoff. And that's just one story. Remember?
And don't forget, I have proof beyond words. I have enough dirt on you. Decide what's more to you-- pretending we never met today or putting me away and rotting in jail yourself. I you'll have a lot of fun, – I lift her up by the lapels of her jacket. - Do you understand?
- I got it, – she breathed heavily, as if she'd been running an obstacle course. A bruise across her neck. - Got it, Max.
I toss her to the floor without pity:
- Five thousand, you said? How cheap you're selling yourself now, – I said, and walked toward the stairs.
Outwardly, I remain calm. I say goodbye to Bill, saluting him with two fingers.
- Mr. Cameroons, is everything all right? - he asks, rising from the table.
- Everything's fine, Bill.
I go out into the night. I get on my Harley and ride home. It's close enough.
I enter the dark apartment. Without turning on the light, I pour myself a full glass of , splashing it on the table. I take big gulps.
An inhuman fatigue comes over me. There's a disgusting feeling inside. A feeling new to . Unfamiliar. Morally humiliating a woman is not for me. I was extremely rude to Diana, but I no fucking regrets. Just a feeling of filth inside and out.
A black slurry fills me. My mouth is bitter.
I pour another glass of whiskey, drink it in a gulp.
Screw Diana. To hell with her! May she burn in hell!
I'm pouring another glass. The whiskey is already in my throat.
I lower myself to the floor and rest my head on the seat of the chair. Stars flickered under eyelids.
There's a kind of black hole growing in the solar plexus area. Slowly.
Like when you bring a fire to the center of a piece of paper, a dirty smudge spreads out, the entire space. And so it is with me. In the place where the "hook" and the rope that tied to Polina had appeared, a black, deep hole was growing.
In front of my eyes is a picture of a crying Polina screaming that she loves me.
Immediately Diana's face pops up with blue lips grasping for air.
Nausea rises in my throat. My insides are about to twist. Holding back the urge to vomit, I make it to the bathroom. Acid burns my airway. I vomit in prolonged spasms.
I splash ice-cold water on my face, put the back of my head under the cold stream.
I go to the bedroom and fall on the bed.
I start to shake. Silently, stripping me from the inside out, something is tearing at me. My sting from the tears that lingered somewhere deep inside and wouldn't find their way out.
I'm trying to clear my mind of all thoughts. Erase all the images of the day. Everything.
Except Polina. She's the one I want to remember for the rest of my life. A muffled croak suddenly from my throat. I close my eyelids, clamp the bridge of my nose with my fingers, pressing on inner corners of my eyes. But the tears won't stop right away. I don't want to.
In my mind's eye, I see Polina. Her gentle face. She's asleep.
She's there... She's taken up residence there.
She lives inside me now. My Polina.