Olive's P.O.V.
My dad's name continued to flash across my screen as he called. I was surprised to see him call me so late. It wasn't really like him to be up at this hour. The timing caused me to worry, making my mind race with worst case scenarios. I swiped the green receive button as I entered the building.
"Hello?" I answered.
"Livy, are you okay?" His voice sounded so concerned.
"What? Yeah, I'm fine." I furrowed my brow in confusion as I pushed the elevator button. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"It's your mother." I froze stiff at the mention of her name.
I understood why she had left dad, but I never understood why she had left me too. She never called, sent letters, or even tried to visit me. She abandoned me like bad luggage, which I guess to her I was. The mention of her made my chest tighten.
"What about her?" I bit my cheek nervously, as the anticipation built inside me for his answer.
"She's sick, Livy... cancer." He sighed. "She called me, wanting to speak with you. She's in a hospital in Brooklyn, on hospice. You need to go see her."
The world seemed to stop all around me. My chest felt so tight it was as if an elephant were sitting on top of it. The air was escaping me, and forgetting to return. I know I haven't spoken to her in 11 years now, but that doesn't mean I didn't still love her. I'd even thought of trying to find her recently. I never expected that she would be dying.
"Did you hear me, Livy?"
"Yeah, I heard you dad. Text me the hospital details and I'll see her tomorrow." I somehow managed to make my voice work.
"I will. I am sorry, Livy. It's all my fault."
Dad's guilt was well placed, seeing as he's the reason she left us to begin with. Of course, he didn't cause her cancer, but he made me miss having a mother around during my formative teen years, when you need your mother the most.
"I'll talk to you later, Dad. Goodnight." I ignored his admission of guilt completely, because I certainly wasn't going to comfort him about this.
"Goodnight."
----
The nurse showed me the way to mom's room. For some reason, I had stopped by the gift shop on the way up as if it were calling me to make more bad decisions. I stupidly bought a stuffed bear with a heart on it that said "get better". She's literally in hospice, which means there is no getting better. I didn't notice when I got it that the heart actually said something, but now it's too late as the nurse is opening the door to her room.
I swallowed hard entering the room, feeling the need to grab a jacket from the cold in here. The hospital air was stale and frigid. It was eerily silent on this wing, aside from the beeps of the monitors. As I entered I saw mom sitting up in her bed with her legs dangling off the side. She was staring out of the large windows that encompassed most of the wall. The sun was shining brightly, giving her a better view of the garden outside.
"Mom?" I called out to her, feeling strange saying that word again.
She turned slowly, letting me fully take in the sickness that was eating away at her body. She was nothing but skin and bones. She had a colorful scarf tied around her head to hide her balding scalp. She had no hair on her face, no eyebrows or eyelashes. Her skin was almost an ash color. She didn't have that rosy tint she used to carry on her cheeks.
I remember mom being so beautiful, with long curly hair like my own. Only she knew how to maintain it. Her dark green eyes that used to hold a shine, now looked so dead inside. The smile she gave me was clearly forced, only making this situation even more strained.
"Olive, is that really you?" Her voice cracked as she spoke.
"Yup." I stepped further into the room.
"You've changed so much! You've grown into such a beautiful woman."
"Yeah, people tend to change when you don't see them for many years." I knew the comment was snarky, but I couldn't help myself. She may be dying, but what she did to me was still shitty...cancer or not.
"I'm sorry, Livy." She sighed. "I wanted to get you here for selfish reasons. I need to apologize to you." She started to cough, and it didn't stop until she coughed some blood out of her mouth. She grabbed the tissues beside her. "Sorry."
"I don't think an apology is enough after you abandoned me. I need more than just an apology. I need an explanation." I demanded.
I was hurting her, I could see it, but at this time I didn't care. My heart just keeps taking more and more damage. I don't know how much more I can handle right now. I need closure, and the only way I'll get it is if she can explain her actions in a way that I can understand, that I can get behind.
"I know it wasn't right to leave you behind, but at the time I knew it would be better for you to stay with your father. He never hurt you, and I knew he never would. I couldn't take you with me when I left because I had nowhere to go. I lived on the streets for about a year before I was finally able to get a job and get a place of my own. I planned on coming back to get you once I was stable enough." She looked me deep in the eyes as she recounted her tale...the one I'd been curious about all my life.
"I was scared to reach out to your dad and have him find me. I would sleep with a gun under my pillow in case your father ever came for me. He swore he would kill me if I left him. I'd taken self defense classes, but I knew they wouldn't do much good against your dad. I didn't send any letters or phone calls because I didn't want your father to find me." I nodded my head to let her know I was still listening. When I got older I realized that was probably the case. That she never contacted me for fear of dad finding her, but I could never be certain.
"I filed papers with the court, but since I never filed police reports against the abuse your father caused, there wasn't much that could be done for me. They couldn't prove abuse, and with me barely making enough money for just myself, my lawyer knew we wouldn't win custody. I should have fought harder for you Livy, but I was so scared. I was young and stupid and frightened.. so very frightened." A tear streamed down her face as she spoke. "I am sorry for leaving you behind. I am sorry for being so weak. I am sorry for not being strong enough to come back and get you. I am sorry for not fighting for you harder."
I was silent letting tears fall from my eyes. My chest felt like it was caving in on itself, unable to stand the sheer bittersweet moment. I have waited 11 years to hear this story, to hear her apologize. I always pictured finding her and having this moment, and then getting to know each other again, creating a new mother daughter bond. That's been stolen now, by the cancer that plagues her body.
"I didn't just call you here for this. I want you to get yourself checked, Livy. This cancer runs on my side of the family. I missed a few screenings, which caused them to catch it too late. It's breast cancer." She wiped at her tears, looking up at me. "Promise me that you'll get checked for the gene, and that if you have it, that you will go to all your screenings. I know I've been a terrible mothers, but please Livy, learn from my mistakes." She pleaded.
I couldn't take it anymore, getting up and wrapping my arms around mom. I held her tightly against me, feeling her arms wrap around me as well. We cried together for a while... a very long while.
"I promise I'll get myself checked." I finally told her after we both had calmed down.
"Good." She nodded, twirling my hair in her fingers.
The afternoon was spent catching up on 11 years worth of stories. I felt the most whole I've felt in a while. It was nice having mom here in front of me, getting to know her again. We laughed and cried, and sometimes we did both. It wasn't until my phone buzzed a few times that I realized the time.
"Who is it?" Mom asked as she saw the face I made at my phone.
It was Lucas. I had forgotten he had my number now.