chapter 41. SELF-LOATHE: How Can I Heal...?

W

hen the tears splashed on his chest, he blinked deliriously as if it was a dream he never expected to see them. He had no idea that he'd been crying.

Taking a deep breath, he wiped the liquid from his eyes and cheeks.

"It was not your fault, Wolfaraine. Why do you have to take the blame for everything?" Ismena asked vehemently, "You were drugged. You did not drug yourself. They drugged you. It was all their fault."

He didn't say anything for a very long time.

"Those nightmares you have, they were because of what I did to you. You know that right?"

"If I know that they were because of what you were forced to do to me? Yes, I know." She deadpanned, skeptically.

He turned and looked at her. His throat bobbed, "Do you finally have a recollection of that memory?"

"Yes," she averted her eyes, "It's hazy, but it's no longer a blank slate. Eighteen years have passed."

"Your father said you died. You fought for so long but it was just too much, and you died. I ended your life. Twice."

"And you saved my life. Twice." She stated vehemently, "Your blood is running through my veins, a good reminder that I would have died right there in that hospital if it wasn't for you. I had three months to live...three. I was diagnosed with Coronary Heart Disease and I only had three months to live but you saved my life. I've been here for more than three months and I've never felt so alive."

His nostrils flared and he snorted indignantly, "You think it was a coincidence that you suddenly developed a heart disease that couldn't be cured by your world's medicine?"

"What do you mean by that?" Her brows furrowed in confusion.

"My blood is running through your veins." He stated matter-of-factly as if it answered everything, "A few of us here in Naturiah have a genotype called R:R with the blood group of A+. I am one of the very few. My blood can do some damn powerful, unusual things that shouldn't be done; for example, it kept you alive. But to some, it's a deadly poison that kills instantly in contact with their own blood."

"My blood is dominant, no matter how little enters your bloodstream. It means that there are some illnesses you'll have which your world's medicines will be useless against. Your heart disease could have been cured in your world if my blood wasn't running through your veins, but it was, so you needed Naturiah's medicines."

Suddenly, some things clicked into place. While she was growing up, there are some days she'll get some huge headaches but no matter the drug she took, it wouldn't go away. It'll stay with her and eventually go on its own. But, human drugs never cured them.

"Damn monstrous humans." He said bitterly, "They were experimenting on us, thinking they can use our blood for their selfish gains, they have no idea. There's always a price to pay for every miracle out there. If not that you met me when you did and came to Naturiah when you did, you would have died, Ismena."

"But, I did come. I am here, with you. And you are saving my life again." She stepped forward, looking him in the eyes, softly but bravely, "No matter how much you try to discredit everything by twisting your importance in my life, it still doesn't change a lot of things."

"You don't understand, do you?" He asked, his eyes cold and hard behind the pain. "You wouldn't be dying or died at all if you hadn't met me." He never shouted, but he didn't have to. His words were just as impactful.

"But I did meet you, didn't I? I met you and I'm here. And I'm still alive."

"God, no wonder we are so compatible." He wasn't hearing her. He seemed to be talking to himself. "We were too compatible, even in the beginning. The hunger was uncontrollable. Still is." A pause. "I could practically feel every strong emotion you feel and we aren't even mated yet. No wonder the Wolf wanted you instantly. You were Pouty and my blood runs through your veins."

Ismena felt chilly, she crossed her arms around herself. She wanted his arms, but it might as well be wishful thinking. The self-loathe in his eyes was staggering.

Some of the harshness on his face disappeared, "You got pregnant for me."

Her heart arched. All these still felt new to her. Like a dream. "I still don't understand how it was possible. I was eight-"

"And you were my mate. Even without the mating rituals, it was possible because you were my mate and you were already menstruating, according to your father. Your monthly flow began prematurely when your mother started working in the labs because your mate was there."

God, she was having a hard time wrapping her head around everything, but somehow, it made sense, especially judging from what happened to Nalaila after he'd been forced to touch her.

"You know, it's easier to never have a child than to have a child and lose him." He spoke in a voice so low, that she almost didn't catch what he was saying.

But, she did and it tugged on her heartstrings. "I'm sorry, Wolfie."

Whirling around again, blazing blue eyes found her, "Don't you dare..." He cut off, and took deep breaths as if he was willing himself to calm down, "Don't you dare apologize for this. Don't apologize for anything that was not your fault. I raped you. I got you pregnant prematurely. I made you lose your womb."

Pain lanced through her heart at the mention of her womb. God knows that in silence-when she was all alone and completely sure that he wouldn't hear her-she will mourn the permanent loss of her womb. She will never blame him for it.

"All these hurt me, Ismena. I can only speak to one person. How can so much happen to one person? He shook his head, "Eighteen years ago but it felt like yesterday."

"Yes, it does, Wolfe because you are not allowing yourself to heal."

"Heal? Did you just say heal? How do I heal when it all lives here?" He pointed at his chest, "How do I heal when everywhere I look is a constant reminder of the horrors of my life? How do I heal when I have a part of me that is barely hanging onto sanity, almost feral? How do I heal when I have a sister that is unable to take a human form for in the past eighteen years because she lost her will to live because I brutally forced myself on her?"

"Wolfe-"

"How do I heal when I have a sister who won't go out to the night for freedom and fresh air because she has no will to keep being alive? How do I heal when one of my werewolf alphas lost his mate forever because she was paired with me in captivity and died afterward? How do I heal when my parents died because of the horrors of my captivity? How can I heal when I can't even sleep well at night because my mind replays it all over and over and over again? How do I heal when the girl I wronged more than I wronged my sister is alive and all my sins towards her are facing me again one after another?"

"Wolfe..." Tears streamed down her face. She has never felt so helpless in her entire life. He isn't just freezing her out this time around, he is slamming shut, every door she could possibly try to reach him through.

"I could go on and on and on about why I can't heal-why I'm unable to heal, Ismena, and we would stay here all night." He looked so defeated when he turned away from her, "Sometimes, I wished I never survived."

"You can't say that." She wanted so badly to offer him the same comfort he'd offered her. She is his mate, he belonged to her. She believed that she can give him the same soothing comfort he gave to her if he allowed her to hold him in her arms like he did to her. But, he wouldn't.

He doesn't even want her touching him. He jerked away from her touch repeatedly, sometimes, she wondered if he was even aware that he was doing it.

"I should never have survived that hellhole. It would have been easy. Freer. Then, I wouldn't have to live like this, with this." Eyes devoid of any visible feelings were tracking the twinkling stars so far away.

"What about your sister? What would have happened to her if you'd died? What about your people?" What about me? But she didn't add that.

She couldn't see his whole face because of the angle where she was standing, but she saw a muscle tick in his jaw. He said nothing.

"You survived for a reason, Wolfie. You are a strong male. A powerful male. The most powerful man in Naturiah. You have been doing so great all this while. Yes, it hurts and life was a bitch, but you were so good at surpassing all those obstacles. That was how you survived all these years. That was how you survived what no male in your world or a man in my own world would have ever survived."

Unbiddenly, she placed her hand on his back again. He jerked away again like the mere touch from her burned him. It hurts.

"Why are you pulling away from my touch?" She blurted out before she could talk herself out of it.

"No, I'm not." He said, stiffly.

She touched his lower back. He flinched before his brain could even process the action.

"Yes, you are." She hated how her voice trembled.

Then, he turned and stared at her with such a drained expression on his face. "I can't... Ismena. I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't do this, I..." He swallowed tightly, "I need a break. I need a break from all this. This is tearing me apart."

She doesn't understand what he was asking of her. "What do you mean? This is not a time for a break. This is a time for us to get closer together and get through this. Together."

"No. I know that you will be alright without me, Ismena. You have a lot going on for you right now, but I know you can get through it without me-"

"No," Shaking her head, she took a step back away from him. And another, "No, no, no, I can't-"

"Yes, you can." His face closed up, he gave her a blank face, "Our relationship was never one for commitments, after all, you know this, Ismena. I never deceived you into it or made false promises to you, did I? I was honest with you from the very start. This relationship between us was bound to end someday."

"Yes, but not today of all days!" The cry tore from deep inside her, against her better judgment. "Not today of all days! You are going through so much, I am going through a lot already! I can't add this to it, it's too much, Wolfie...!"

His hand raised to palm her cheek but it didn't make contact. Instead, it hovered in the air before it dropped back to his side. "You are strong, Ismena. You are brave... much braver than any human I have ever come across. You can do this."

But, I love you so much! Even with everything going on, I still love you so much! Don't push me away, please!!!

She wanted to scream these words to him. He couldn't even bear to touch her anymore. She had the most insane urge to shamelessly beg him to keep her because she can't stay away from him.

But, she forced herself to clamp her mouth shut. You have your pride, dammit.

"What about you?" She was glad that her voice came out strong, not as shaky as she was feeling.

He averted his eyes, "I'm used to being alone."

She wanted to say something else, but thought against it. His body was so taut with the tension she feared he'll twist the wrong way and snap like a rubber band stretched to its limits.

If I push a little too hard, he will break right in front of me. Would it be a good break or a bad break? She was scared to find out.

"I'm..." He exhaled in one deep breath, "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that you had to meet a male like me in your life. I am deeply sorry for the things I did to you when you were eight. I am sorry for everything, Ismena."

There's nothing to be sorry for! There is nothing to forgive! It was not your fault!

She didn't bother with those words, because she might as well be pouring water on a rock. The blame, the guilt he was feeling was deeply-ingrained.

She forced her jaw to unlock, "So, what happens now?"

"I found the ring."

"What?" She asked, clearly taken aback.

"The ring. The one you took, the one that was taken away. Your father took it from the leader of the Wolfhunters' gang that attacked the hospital during your sister's operation. He told Alphose where it was before he died. I have it now."

The ring has been found. It was great news. It was beautiful news, she knows how much that ring meant to him. But, at the same time, it means that...

Her throat went dry and she looked at him.

"Yeah," He nodded. Swallowed tightly, "You can stay in Naturiah if you want, but you are free to leave Naturiah now, Ismena. You can leave if you wish. I placed strong security for your family so they'll never be in any danger and if you decide to go back to your world, I will double the security to make sure no harm comes to you."

His eyes hardened, "They'll stay until I have found and killed every last doctor of the laboratory."

Her heart broke.

There was no other way to describe it, her heart just shattered into a million pieces in her chest.

The sight of him and the part of the bedroom within her vision swarm. Everything just went blurry as fresh tears gathered in her eyes.

But, she will be strong, dammit. She has to be, at least until she leaves this place.

No.

"Alright. Thank you so much for everything," her lower lip wobbled. She bit down hard on it. "I'll just pack a few things and leave now."

"You can leave in the morning-"

"No. I will leave now." She went to the wardrobe and packed a few of her things there. It didn't take more than two minutes before she got her bag-most of her things are in Eline's place and that's where she's going now.

"I hope you're not planning to go to the human world now. Please, don't-"

She shook her head, "Don't worry, that's not my plan. I don't have a death wish. I will leave for my world soon but until then, where I spend the night or the morning is no longer your business, Wolfie." Her voice remained gentle, but her tone held a touch of steel.

His jaw clenched and a muscle ticked in his jaw. He said nothing.

She walked to the door. "Goodbye, Wolfie."

Please, stop me. Tell me not to go... Tell me to come back. Hug me and tell me that we'll get through this together...!

Her heart cried inwardly. Her soul wept, bitterly.

"Goodbye, Ismena." He said, at last.

Outside the door, Ismena allowed the tears to flow freely. If there's a pain much greater than this, it must be that very pain that comes five seconds before death. Her heart burns.

Inside the bedroom, Wolfaraine listened until her silent footsteps faded.

Then, all his shields fell away.

All the doors he'd slam shut opened.

He sat down on the floor just beside the window, staring longingly at the door.

The tears came like a flood, then.

And he welcomed them.