chapter 19. STUBBORN. BRAVE. PERSISTENT.

For a moment, Wolfaraine thought; perhaps, he did not hear her right. "What?"

Blurting it out like that made it easier for her. "I know what it sounds like, but please think about it, Wolfe. I've been with you for almost half of the year now and we've been together in the most intimate way two people can come together. I think it's time I-"

"No." He said, firmly.

"But, Wolfe-"

"No." His tone was final.

Silence descended between them.

Finally, Ismena exhaled loudly. "You are not even attempting to listen."

"You must have a death wish, Ena." He looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time, "You must have one as long as my arm because that is the only explanation why you would want to do something like this."

"I know it looks like that, but this is not easy for me, Wolfe. You don't think I'm scared? You don't think I've thought of everything going through your mind now? I have, but I think-"

He shook his head in adamancy. "I do not think you have thought about half of what is going through my mind because if you have, whatever is going through your own mind will NOT be going through it." He did not raise his voice. He didn't have to because it still sent shivers through her, especially with the tone he used to lay emphasis on some words.

She snapped her mouth shut, watching him warily. This is one of those rare times his face reflects his anger and it was a scary sight to behold. But after rolling the idea and drowning in nervousness all night and morning, she cannot let this opportunity roll by, not when she managed to say it out in the first place.

"Wolfe," she began, again, "You never thought Nalaila will ever warm to me. It never looked like that will ever happen, because just like the cougar she hates humans too. But look at where we are today. We might never know until we actually try, Wolfe."

In one step, he covered the distance between them. "I do not want to discuss this ever again, do you hear me, Ismena? This will be the last time we will ever have this conversation."

With that, he turned and took the path that led out of the forest without a backward glance.

For the first time, he did not turn to see if she followed him or not.

Defeated, Ismena followed him.

Two days later, Ismena was feeling horrible and emotionally downcast.

Wolfaraine was still mad at her. It's the first time he has ever been this mad at her and she has no idea how to go about it. She hated the tension between them.

She has seen less of him and whenever they manage to see each other, he has been very polite with her, keeping their conversations as short as possible before parting ways.

She'd known he would hate the idea, but she'd never thought it would be like this. Now, she regretted bringing it up to him in the first place.

"Do you need anything else, Rahinna?" Marian's soft request brought her out of her deep thoughts.

"No, thank you, Mirian." She just finished eating dinner. She has not seen Wolfaraine all day. Mirian said he got called away early about matters of the clan.

"Alright. You look tired, my dear. I suggest you go out to the balcony and get some fresh air, what do you think?"

"I actually think that's a great idea, thank you." She said, sincerely.

That was exactly what she did. Settling on the double sitter, she sipped the tea Mirian made for her while allowing the fresh air to caress her body. It was indeed very relaxing.

Time dissolved. Her mind calmed.

She was so lost in thought that she was startled when she heard the slight creaking of the balcony door. Thinking it was Mirian, she turned towards the sound, but it was Wolfaraine.

Her heart fluttered as she took in the magnificent sight of him. The darkened shades of the night have long set it, but there was still enough light for her to easily made out his structure and his features.

Swallowing tightly, she watched him as he closed the door and walked deeper inside. He stopped in front of her, looking down at her.

"I do not like fighting with you, Ismena. It saddens me and it ruins my day." He admitted in a gruff voice.

The tears she's been holding back for the past two days sprang to her eyes, but she stubbornly blinked them back.

"I don't like it either. I've been so unhappy, unable to do anything else, but regret bringing up that crazy idea. I would have never thought about it if I knew it would make us fight like this." Her voice was low, she bared her soul to him.

He took a deep breath and looked ahead of them at the beautiful sight of the night. "I just hate the idea of anything hurting you, Ismena. I don't know if I should call you Stubborn. Or brave. Or Crazy."

"The three works." She offered sheepishly.

He snorted, shaking his head.

When he spoke again, his voice was informatory. "The cougar is nothing like Nalaila. It is a very damaged part of me whose only coherent thought and instinct is to Kill and Destroy. The cougar is much more feral than my sister, Ismena."

"I got that idea too." She admitted softly. Unconsciously, her hand went to her arm where the animal had attacked her. Thankfully, it's all healed up, all thanks to Harhan.

"Eighteen years might have passed, but we never forgot what it was like in that cold lab. I never forgot a single thing I went through there, it all lives in the mind of the cougar too. That and those damn drugs they almost killed us with."

"The slightest scent of human sets the cougar off. You being my mate-having my scent-does not matter to the cougar because it rides more on instincts than thoughts. The wolf is like that too, but unlike the cougar, the wolf recognizes you as ours. And its mind is not as feral as the cougar's." He swiveled his head, looking her in the eyes, "The moment I give up control and let the cougar take over, you will die. It will make a full-course meal out of you."

"That was why I needed your help too, Wolfe. You are the cougar and the cougar is you-you said so yourself two days ago. Your rage, your anger, your hate for humans...they are all buried deep in the cougar. That part of you carries the brunt of all your dark emotions, which is why it does not know its way forward. It's way to healing."

He knew she was right and he did not deny it. "I am trying, Ismena. It is not easy."

"I know it's not. I know how hard you are trying, and that is why I wanted to help you. I hate seeing you suffer like that...unable to sleep, unable to find peace. The cougar does think, Wolfe but it's buried way beneath its impulses...just like Nalaila. Till today, I know that she still hates my kind and our scent, but I think the wolf is focusing more on your scent on me."

She averted her eyes, "Also, I think she recognizes me as Hazel, the girl who stayed in that Lab with all of you. I don't remember that girl, but my father did say that whenever I read stories to you, everyone in that lab listened to my voice. Nalaila might have recognized my voice and I think the cougar might be able to do that too. Maybe, if I'm able to speak when faced with that part of you, it might reduce my chances of being eaten alive. That was what I thought."

"It is too dangerous, Ena. Far too dangerous. Let's say that the cougar might be able to recognize your voice, there is still a huge chance that it will still kill you."

"I don't think so, Wolfe. It did not kill me, eighteen years ago." she looked him in the eyes, "That part of you had the chance to kill me that day you were drugged to breed me, but it did not do it. When it took over, it did not kill me."

The memories of that day hurt greatly to remember, but Wolfaraine pushed past it. No matter how crazy her idea still sounded, he could not deny that she was making sense with her logical reasoning on the issue.

When he didn't say anything, she continued, "As you said, the cougar never forgot a thing, so I know that it will remember me if the circumstances are right."

"That is the point. There is no way for the circumstances to be right. There's every possibility that once I shift into the cougar, it will scent you immediately and pounce on you. You will become food within five seconds of a complete shifting." He deadpanned.

"Then we have to make the circumstances right. Apart from the urge to kill and to destroy, is there no other urge it feels?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing at all? Think, Wolfe. No matter how little it is, as far as it existed at all, it is an urge. An impulse it wanted to sate. Is there really nothing at all?" She insisted, her eyes never leaving his.

He did not need to think hard because he already knows something else. But that is even a more dangerous ground to work on.

"No. We are not going down that road." He said to her.

She watched him carefully, seeing the tension that stiffened his muscles. "There is something else. Isn't it?"

"Another urge it feels is the urge to mate, just like every other changeling animal. Not the marriage kind of 'mating' but to have sex."

"I know what you mean," she interjected.

He nodded and continued, "Yes. The cougar does have that urge-not half as much as its urge to kill, but it's there somewhere. When we make love, the wolf participates but the cougar does not. Afterward, the wolf feels peaceful while it becomes very restless and cranky. Sometimes, after we make love, I have to go out for a run or go hunting before it gets sated enough to settle inside me."

"Oh... So, with sex-" she began.

"Whatever you are going to say, don't even say it. I am not going to allow it to happen." He was going to stop there, but seeing her face fall, he added, "You will die even before you get your message of offering yourself like a sexual, sacrificial lamb, across to the cougar. And even if somehow, you manage to get that message across, there is every possibility that you will die during or after that encounter."

He paused, "You do not want to have sex with the feral part of me, Ismena. The cougar is very hostile. The act will be too aggressive to be termed sex between lovers. That is, if your scent does not interrupt and get you killed during the act."

Her shoulders slumped in sheer defeat. She took a very deep, shaky breath. "It is very scary when you put it like that."

"It IS scary. I will never put you in that position, Ismena. I can give you to the wolf for sexual intimacies but not the cougar. Never the cougar."

"I understand now. Thank you for explaining to me, Wolfe. I am sorry for making you mad because of this."

He shook his head, "There is nothing to apologize for. The truth is that I was angrier at myself than I was at you. If I was not so feral, if there was not a part of me that is out of control, we would never have to nurture an idea that puts you in danger in the first place. I know you were only trying to help...even if it is to your own detriment. That was why I was so mad."

"Come on, let's go inside," he added, "You shiver occasionally, so I know you are starting to feel cold."

He was right. "Okay, let's go." She agreed.

Holding her hand in his, they walked together out of the balcony. He led her to her room, opened the door, and walked her inside. "I have to be at the Cougar Clan soon, to help Alphose make more preparations for their upcoming festival. I will see you in the morning when I get back."

She nodded. When he drew her into his arms and gave her a very deep kiss, she melted into him, kissing him back with the same fervor. She was trembling with desire by the time the kiss ended.

His eyes held the same hunger she was feeling and it took every strength in his body to take a step back from her. "Good night, Ena."

"Good night, Wolfe." She breathed.

He turned and walked to the door. He has already opened the door when her voice stopped him.

"Wolfe?"

"Mmh," he glanced at her.

"I want to think more on that idea to know if I can come up with a better idea. If there is any chance at all that I can come up with a plan that might work, will you be willing to try? Do you think you will be willing to help make it work?" She asked, hesitantly.

Silence descended upon them. It was uncomfortable and made her more nervous, but Ismena forced herself to remain quiet and let him have it.

"Yes," he said at last, "If there is ever a plan you get which has the potential to work, I promise to listen to it. I will help too. I want all part of me to accept you too, Ismena."

"Intimacy with me is not safe and I marvel at how much you trust me with your life every time you give yourself to me. But I dread that a day might come when I will lose my grip on control during intimacy with you. I want to hold you in my arms at night. I want to sleep beside you without fear of killing you. If there is a way to rest those cases, I am willing to help." He confessed, truthfully.

The worry on her face dissolved, replaced by a small smile. "I want that too, Wolfe. I want all that so badly. I will keep thinking about it."

A smile ghosted his own face, "Try to get some sleep too, while you are at it."

"I will, Alpha King." She raised her hand and saluted him.

He chuckled, facing the door again, "Good night, Ena."

"Wolfe?"

"Mmh?" He didn't turn, this time around.

"I trust you with my life." I love you more than life itself. She swallowed those words as fast as they rose to her throat, almost choking in the need to keep them from escaping before she is ready. Before he is ready to hear it.

"I know. I trust you too." He admitted.

"Good night, Wolfe."

Long after he closed the door behind him, she was still looking at it.

She'd come here with a heart disease and a three-months-to-live ultimatum, and found something much more special. She'd desperately held on to him at the beginning, because of her love for her life and a deep craving to live.

Now, she will gladly give up that life over and over and over again, just for him to live an easier, happy, peaceful, and content life.

"You are well and truly screwed, Ismena." She sighed as she turned towards the bathroom to get ready for the night.

When she went to bed, the idea went with her.

When she slept, she slept on it.

"I have a plan."

Wolfaraine was in his study sorting through the files which he will be sending back to the human world, when the soft, familiar voice came in as soon as he heard the door open.

He raised his head and took her in. She was dressed in a simple ankle gown, but she looked good enough to eat. He'd spent all night in the Cougar Clan, just got back an hour ago and unable to sleep, so he'd decided to go through some paperwork.

"It's not as much of a plan than it is a suggestion, but I think it might work." She proceeded to say.

"You are as persistent as a mosquito at the smell of fresh blood, aren't you?" His tone held mild humor as he leaned back against his throne-like chair, "I thought we have had the last of that conversation?"

A flush crept up her neck and settled on her cheek, she ducked her head guiltily. "I slept on it," she admitted.

He chuckled lightly and crossed his arm, "Alright, let's hear what you have to say."