I can do this.I’m going to do this.
I only wish I didn’t feel like I have to look over my shoulder the whole time, like Gianni’s going to jump out from behind a trash can or something. I can’t trust him not to follow me around. And he expects me to give up almost everything.
I can’t do that. I won’t. Even if it means I can’t be with him.
The way it has all morning, the thought makes me feel sick. Why does he have to be the way he is? There’s a difference between being sexy and commanding and telling me what I can and cannot do. He might have relented for now, but I’m understanding the way he thinks. He’ll find another way to control me.
Now I’m supposed to learn to live without him. I hate him for putting me through this.
But not enough to walk into the building and up to the apartment I plan on leasing. I was just fine getting here and walking up to the front stoop, but this is as far as my feet want to carry me. It’s just a lease. I can do this—no, I need to do this.
But what happens when Gianni shows up? Because he will. I didn’t think about that before. He knows where this place is because he basically stalks me. He’ll come looking for me before long.
If he doesn’t tie me up and throw me over his shoulder, he’ll find some way to convince me to come back. And then what? I’m stuck with a lease on an apartment I don’t live in.
Who are you trying to kid?
I hate the know-it-all voice in my head that sounds like Tatiana because she’s right. I’m kidding myself. I don’t want to live on my own. I don’t want to sneak away from Gianni. The thought of it makes my eyes threaten to well up.
I need him. I wish it wasn’t true, but I can’t change it. I’ve been in love with him for years, and it didn’t matter how many times I told myself how wrong it was to feel that way… how he’d never feel the same… how he didn’t even look at me as an adult.
It was impossible to forget him before. How am I going to do it now that I know I was wrong about the way he saw me?
I’m not. That’s it. I’m never going to forget him. I’m going to be miserable for the rest of my life.
Maybe there’s a way to make things work.
I can’t believe I’m thinking this, but now that the idea has wiggled its way into my brain, there’s no getting rid of it. In fact, I’m relieved. I don’t have to live without him. I didn’t really want to give up and run away.
I’m not a runner. I stick around and work through my problems. I mean, it took five years to give up on Luciano, and he had to force me into it.
This is going to be different. Better. It just has to be.
My heart feels lighter than it has all day when I back away from the stoop, determined to go back to Gianni after work and set some ground rules. We need them if this is ever going to work. He came around last night when I told him how important it was to keep my job. That means he’s not totally unreasonable.
I might be telling myself what I want to hear, but I don’t care. I’m happier with him than without him—that much, I know. We’ll find a way.
I’m so busy convincing myself of this as I step off the curb that I don’t hear the car coming straight for me.
Not just coming. Speeding up.
It hits me, and I hit the ground, and everything goes dark.