“You said you went to Rhythemes, heard me, saw me, fell for me. Turns out you went there specifically for me. You were in pursuit of me, even before you heard me, or saw me.”
He still didn’t answer.
“It must have been quite a challenge that you couldn’t resist when my father first told you about it,” I said bitterly. “He wanted to test your charms on me, to change me. After all, you left quite a reputation here when you left a couple of years ago. You were an excellent gambler. No doubt you’ve mastered the art of poker face. You were practically made. At your age, you have a stable job, a beautiful house. You’re set. You wouldn’t be interested in my father’s money. You were perfect for the job. No one else fit the bill.”
He remained quiet. It broke my heart even more. I wanted him to deny it! I wanted him to tell me I was wrong! But fuck! He just sat there and kept his mouth shut.
“You just arrived to the States during that time. Fresh from your breakup with Margot after she turned to someone else. You were betrayed by your best friends. That must have hurt your ego. And then you came here. My father gave you a proposition that would not only save the diner, but would also do well to flatter your feathers and boost your deflated ego. You just couldn’t resist taking on a challenge like me.
“Maybe you thought it would be a nice game for a while. Maybe you thought, you could hit two birds with one stone. Maybe you thought I was the rebound game you needed after what Margot did to you. Maybe you thought—”
“I didn’t think!” I heard frustration and anger in his voice, but he kept himself calm. “I didn’t think. Period.” The look he gave me was somber and intense. He took a deep breath and added, “And you know what? I know I should be damn sorry I ever made that deal with your father. Because if I didn’t accept it, then I wouldn’t have met you. I wouldn’t have entered your world. I wouldn’t have opened up myself entirely to another human being. You know I changed more in the few months we were together, than the five years I was with Margot?
“I was contained, guarded, carefree. I was possessive only of my personal space. I didn’t care much about everything or everyone else. Margot was not entirely wrong to turn to Simon, you know. I was too cool, too tolerant. I was…” He sighed. “Arrogant. Everything seemed to come easy for me. I didn’t have to study in school and I got a scholarship. I aced all my subjects. Even when we left my father, I got a new one who treated me more like a son than my real father did. I was gambling not because I liked it, but because I was so good at it. I rarely lost a card game. Some may argue that I could count cards. I didn’t deny that either. It was easy for me that sometimes I just couldn’t help myself. Girls came easy too. I didn’t have to memorize tricks or pickup lines. I could have any girl I wanted—single or otherwise. Margot became my girlfriend when I didn’t even ask her out on a date. She just suggested we try being more than good friends.”
As I listened to him, I realized that everything he said was true. This was how he was before I met him. I always did think he was this guy with a big chip on his shoulder.
He took a deep breath and then he continued: “I met your father and entering that deal with him was the only way I could save Margaret. I didn’t think about anything else. I forgot my own rules. I didn’t factor you in the equation. I didn’t factor my own heart. Love was not a big deal for me then. I was in a five-year relationship and I thought that was it. Nothing was exciting or devastating about it. I thought in the end, we’ll get out scot-free. You have a good time, you break up, you get pissed off for a couple weeks and then you get over it. That was my concept of love and relationships then.
“Your father didn’t even give me a photo of you. He just told me your full name and that you went by the name Ken Clarke and you played with a band at Rhythemes. I went there, the band was playing but I was focused on the singer. When I saw it was a guy, I went to the bar, waited for the next set, thinking you’d be in the next band. I enjoyed that set and I thought, ‘Shit, the drummer is freaking good.’ I just had to look at you. When I saw you, I thought you were too beautiful to be a boy. So, I asked the bartender who you were. I couldn’t forget how he smirked at me and told me to forget it. Because if I was planning on hitting on you, I wouldn’t stand a chance. And when he told me your name, I thought, ‘Fuck, I’m in big trouble.’ I knew right at that moment that I was going to back out of my deal with your dad.
“My world turned upside down after that. All of a sudden, there was this beautiful girl that I wanted so badly, and she was so untouchable, even for me—especially for me. For the first time in my life, I had to try so hard, I had to really work for what I wanted.
“You see, I couldn’t be entirely sorry that I made a deal with your father. Because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have gone to the bar that night to search for you. I wouldn’t have met the love of my life. And my time with you was the happiest I’ve ever been.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks, the same time tears fell from Nick’s eyes. We sat there in silence for a while. I could hear my heart pounding and breaking inside my chest. I couldn’t whimper. I didn’t want to cry but the tears just wouldn’t stop from falling.
“When did you decide to back out on your deal with my father?” I asked.
It took him a while to answer. “That day after you went with me to the rundown part of town. I decided I couldn’t do it.” He sighed. “It was true, you know. I did fall for you the minute I laid eyes on you. More so when I met you. And more and more as I got to know you. What I felt for you was so much different from what I felt before with Margot. Margot and I were best friends. It was difficult to separate platonic and romantic love then. But with you, we weren’t friends at all. You hated me. But I still felt drawn to you. You tried your damn best to show me your worst and you only looked more beautiful in my eyes. I wanted to explore what I felt for you. And I knew I couldn’t do it with your father breathing down my neck. I wanted to pursue you because my intentions were pure. Not because I had hidden agenda.”
“But you had.”
“No. I haven’t had an agenda for a very long time. Only one goal. To make you love me back even just a little bit. Because heaven knows I’m out-of-my-skull in love with you.”
I was tempted to tell him that I felt the same way about him. But I couldn’t. He should know how much I loathed my father. And anyone my father associates with, he pollutes! That was what Nick’s image in my head was right now. Tainted.
I heard his heavy draw of breath. “I love you, kitten. That’s true. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I could picture my future with you,” he said in a sad voice. “Everything I showed you that day at the other side of town, and the days that followed—they were all me. I did it not because of some stupid deal I made with the devil who messed up Margaret’s life. I did it because I was taking a shot with you. For my own benefit. Not for somebody else’s.”
I shook my head. “But I can’t trust you anymore. You lied to me, Nick. You’re a completely different person to me now.”
He took a deep breath and then he punched the floor in anger and desperation. For a couple of minutes, he was quiet, just leaning his forehead against his arms, which were resting on top of his knees. Then he moved and crawled to my side. He reached for my hand, pulling it despite my resistance. He slowly put my hand to his lips.
“Nothing changed, kitten. When I told your father that the deal’s off, you still hated me that time. You wanted nothing to do with me,” he said in a somber voice. “This is me now. The person who rescued you, the guy you fell in love with. The same man you made love to this morning. The one that didn’t have any arrangement with your father.”
I could have hit my head with a sledgehammer. Or pulled all my teeth out, including my tongue. I would prefer other means of hurting myself. Anything would have been less painful than watching Nick beg for my forgiveness. He looked so broken and so desperate. Tears were running down his cheeks as he clutched my hand against his chest.
I bit my lip. I wanted to stay with him. I really do. But what he did completely threw me off balance. To know that he was not the man I believed he was, was difficult for me. I needed time to process this. I needed time to compose myself.
I shook my head as I stared back at him. He grabbed me to him and hugged me tightly. I smelled his familiar aftershave, and felt the warmth of his embrace. I was so tempted to stay here forever. This would be easier, less painful. This was heaven compared to what I felt inside my chest.
“Please, Mackenzie. I will make it up to you every single day for the rest of our lives. Just stay,” he whispered in between sobs. “Punish me all you want. Every day, if you please. Just stay with me. Please, baby.”
I shook my head and gently pushed him away.
“No, no! Baby, please,” he pleaded. “You can’t break up with me. I won’t take it. I can’t!”
I took a deep breath and finally found my courage and my voice. “I’m sorry. I need time to process this. Betrayal is the most painful from the person you loved the most. And you know, there was nothing in this world that I loved more than you.”
Despair registered on his face. “Then let me make it up to you. Let me erase this. Let me make it right, baby, please!”
I wanted to stay; I was tempted to. But then I remembered what he did. He didn’t think about my feelings. If he didn’t fall for me, he would be the one leaving right now.
Nick had tried so hard to earn my trust. And now, he’d broken that trust. He took a bit of time fixing me. And in an instant, he’d broken me again. Maybe much worse than my father ever did.
I wiped my tears with my fingers. “I love you so much, Nick,” I whispered. “But I can’t forgive you for this. You lied to me and I can’t trust you anymore after this. At least not yet. Not now.”
He stared at me for a long moment, tears still rolling down his cheeks. Then he asked, “Can—can you at least stay one more night? You’re overwhelmed with strong emotions. Can you at least sleep on it?”
I would have laughed if I wasn’t too heartbroken, remembering this was exactly what I had asked him to do when I found out about Margot. But this was entirely different. Trust was involved and he knew I already had trust issues to begin with.
I shook my head. “You know that if I do that, there’s a big chance that I might not leave at all.” I knew that too. There was about ninety percent chance that we’d end up having make-up sex if I stayed the night.
“That’s the plan,” he murmured.
“No, Nick. I am angry at you! I do not trust you anymore. If I don’t leave now, if I continue living here, I will live here being angry at you.”
“I don’t care. You can punish me every day. As long as you’re here with me, I don’t care. You can stay in the bedroom; I’ll move back to the study. You can withhold sex for as long as you want.” He took a deep breath and then he looked at me again, pleadingly. “Just please don’t go.”
I shook my head. “No. If I hurt you, if I punish you, I would be hurting myself, too. We would be toxic to each other because of the anger that I feel and the guilt and remorse that you feel. We don’t deserve a toxic relationship, Nick. Right now, we are not good for each other. It would be unwise for us to be together. You have to let me go, Nick. Because I didn’t do this to us.”
I stared at him one last time and then I stood up from the floor. Before I could take a step forward, Nick wound his arms around my waist and he hugged me to him. He was kneeling with his left cheek resting on my tummy.
“It may be toxic right now, but it won’t be for long. I will earn your forgiveness. You will forget I ever had that stupid deal with your dad.”
I stood there, crying silently. Battling my own demons inside my head. Fighting the strong temptation to just let it go and stay. I will forgive him someday. I knew that. Because I just fucking loved him too much!
But I also knew that if I stay here while I’m angry, while I’m broken, there was a big risk that I could tear us farther apart. I wouldn’t be fair to him when I unleash my anger. I would take out my anger with my father on him because now, whenever I looked at him, I’d be reminded of the man who hired a monster to defile me.
I slowly pulled away from him. “Nick, please give me time. I can’t be with you right now. I keep picturing you in my father’s office, plotting with him against me!” I kneeled down in front of him so I could look him in the eye. “We need to take a break from each other. I have to forgive you in my own time and pace. If you really love me, then you will let me go. You will allow me to process this alone.”
He took a deep breath and then he reached out for my hands and kissed them one at a time.
“Okay,” he said.
“Okay what?”
“Okay, I will let you go. Temporarily. I will wait for you, kitten. And I will do anything, everything to earn your forgiveness. I will do everything to erase that memory of me in your head. Someday, you’ll think about it and you’ll laugh at the memory, maybe consider it a blessing in disguise because without it, you wouldn’t have met me—the greatest man in your life. I will deserve that title. I know you will find it in your heart to forgive me.”
It would have been easier to walk away if he just became an ass and yelled at me that he didn’t need me. That there were plenty of other girls willing to take my place. I wish he just told me that I would be sorry for leaving him. And that someday I would beg him to take me back.
But no! He had to sit there, tell me that he would allow me time alone while he’ll do everything to earn my forgiveness. I was so fucking tempted to forgive him already! To just stay in the arms of this beautiful man.
“Just promise me you will come back,” he said. “Because if you’re not, I’d be tempted to lock you up in here right now.”
I gave him a humorless laugh. Then I looked into his eyes and said, “We both know you’re not capable of doing that.”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. I told you I was insanely in love with you, remember?”
I gave him a small smile. I wanted to tell him that I will. Because our chances looked good. But I couldn’t make promises that I could not keep. Especially not in my vulnerable state.
I shook my head. “I can’t make promises I just might break. We don’t know the odds. You told me your rule once, remember? Never say yes until you have all the factors figured in. And right now, I don’t think I have all the factors figured in.”
That very rule that he broke was the reason why we were breaking up right now.
Nick cupped my face between his palms. “I believe in us, kitten. We’re stronger than this. I will do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness. I won’t stop until my last breath. I will get you back. I’ll get you to come back home.”
Nick leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the forehead. His lips lingered there for a while. I could almost hear the sound of his pounding heart against his deep, labored breaths.
I was on the verge of breaking down. Tears were rolling down my cheeks non-stop as I struggled to compose myself.
He stepped back and looked into my eyes. Tears were rolling down his cheeks, too. “I love you, kitten. Always remember that. Don’t take too long. Hurry back home, okay?”
I pulled away from him. Then I turned away and ran down to the front door before I could stop myself and lose the courage to leave him. Nicholas Atkins, the greatest man of my life.