It’s been a few days since Colton told me about his mom, and I swear she keeps plaguing my thoughts. It’s
like a tiny itch in my brain I can’t shake, and I keep coming back to it repeatedly for no apparent reason. I even dreamed of her last night, and it was the weirdest, most confusing thing ever. It came after I finally located a memory of her in this shared library of thoughts and couldn’t shake her soft face from my visuals. I must have tried too hard and implanted her in my brain to mess with me. It’s the only explanation.
I vaguely remember her without Colton’s influence, only in my memories, she’s faceless because I couldn’t remember her all that well, so it’s nice to apply features to her. She has Colton’s flawless beauty, his black hair, darkest chocolate eyes, and sallow skin, with a soft ambiance that’s less masculine than his.
She used to come to the library near our farm every weekend to read books to the children. I remember her being a caring, quiet lady, well-spoken, well dressed, and she had no prejudices against wolves from rival packs. The children were all one to her. She always wanted to see us live in peace and harmony, and she had this warm pull that I see in Colton sometimes when he isn’t closing up on me and freezing me out.
The dream lingers in my mind, despite being up for hours, and now, I’m sitting on the grass taking a break from training and can still feel her voice filtering through from the recess of my mind. Fatigue letting it slip back in as I cool down and catch my breath, and her haunting melodic tone, filled with pleading, rings through again, the words which woke me this morning.
“Save us.”
It’s all that comes through, and it gives me the same shivers it did when I dreamed it. She walked up to me, in a bright white, sterile, wall-less space, with no one else around me but blurred nothingness of light and stale air. Standing in the middle of what felt like a hospital, I don’t know, unsure where I was meant to go or how I even got there. Confused.
She appeared in the distance at first, catching my eye, almost hazy and surrounded by a fog that cleared as she came closer. Dressed in a light shapeless gown, almost like a medical covering, except it was pure snow white, not blue or patterned. Her hair was loose, free, and hung longer than I can recall from my memory bank, almost touching her waist, whereas she always kept it jaw length in even Colton’s memories.
When she came into focus at first, I could see her cheeks were wet with tears, eyes bloodshot, her skin streaked where they had fallen repeatedly, and her smock was soaked through, as though they’d been absorbing thousands of them, for an eternity. Her desperate sadness consumed and overwhelmed me, and I was rooted to the spot, unable to breathe with the heaviness of her pain.
She was eerily pale, beautiful still, but only the shadow of the woman from Colton’s memories, thin and worn down, as though her life were being sucked away. She touched my face softly, startling me with the sheer heat she exuded, leaned in so close that she almost kissed me, her warmth invading the coolness of my air, and whispered it right into my face, startling me to wake in the dull stillness of my room.
Those two damned words.
Shuddering again, aware the memory of her touch on my skin has pushed a physical sensation on my cheek, and I touch it to remove the feel of it. The dream felt real, and I hate that it won’t leave me alone in waking hours, replaying on a loop and deeply affecting me. The total opposite to Colton, though, as he’s been practically absent, physically and mentally.
Something he’s been doing for an infuriating number of days. It’s like opening up about her reminded him of all the reasons he chose to reject me, and he backtracked at a hundred miles an hour and ultimately pulled away. He’s been on active avoidance ever since, and it’s both broken me and pissed me off beyond the limits of my boundary.
He comes to training, barks orders at me from a safe distance, and has permanently closed the door to our mind-link. It’s making me madder than hell, infuriating that he has done another U-turn once again, but whenever I try to talk to him, he walks off and blanks me. A big fat ‘stay away’ from me aura, all around that dense head of his, and he won’t even look me in the eye. He makes sure I can’t get close, I can’t touch him, and he either sticks with the sub pack so I can’t get him alone or leaves before anyone else does, so I can’t follow.
I know what he’s doing, and as much as I want to punch him in his genitals for it, I understand, but it’s just so frustrating. What makes it worse is Carmen has caught onto the strained atmosphere and is laying on the oozing flirt mode with all her might, driving even the males of the pack to eye-roll every time she baby talks him. I think she sees it as hope or an opening that she’s on the path to getting him back, and it’s making me sick to watch her smugly move in on him at every opportunity she gets.
Colton still isn’t tolerating her, but it doesn’t mean I’m not having visions of turning and ripping her throat out multiple times a day. Killing a fellow wolf from your pack is a mortal sin, no matter the excuse, but I would happily pay the time for that crime.
Meadow is the only thing keeping me sane, and last night she camped out in my room to cheer me up and distract me, watching movies and having girl time to throw off all the stresses of everything going on around us. She brought me clothes and makeup, not that I need them now my belongings were left at my door when I came back from training a couple of days ago. I suspect Colton went and packed up everything with my scent on in the orphanage, but I can’t be sure, and he won’t stick around to let me ask him at all. It adds to my fury because it shows he still cares, he still thinks about my needs, but he won’t face me at all. His mind is set, and I know what this means for us, he’s already chosen his course of action, and he’s biding his time until it’s done.
He doesn’t come to mess hall to eat either, just shows up at the park to train and leaves as soon as we’re done for the day. He spends the rest of his time with Juan, patrolling the lay of the land and overseeing the training camp and the new buildings. I’ve seen them walking together many times, and I almost couldn’t control my loathing growls or the hatred I have for that man.
The pack is getting uneasy, and Meadow mentioned he hadn’t called any kind of communal since, as though he’s avoiding any real dialogue with any of us. He knows the pack will have questions about this. He brought me to them, made it seem like I might have a chance, and then snubbed me as they were beginning to accept my presence.
He’s caught inside his head as he tries to work things out, but we’re losing time. Ticking away slowly as the full moon approaches in its cycle, I don’t think I can take much more. Logic is telling me to give up on him, but I don’t want to accept it. That he’s done and given up on us after what he said to me, my heart doesn’t want to believe he could be this way.
I’ve been lost in my thoughts, anxious, obsessing, crying, and worrying myself sick with the chaos of this lack of closure. I’m not being a cold idiot, cutting him off, or avoiding him like he is with me. I would talk to him in a heartbeat if he let me. It’s like he just abandoned me after dumping me in his sub pack, with no idea what I’m supposed to be now, how to feel, and what I’m meant to do after the full moon.
If he marks her, where do I go? What do I do? I’m only here because of my link to him. I’m not a Santo, I don’t belong here, and although the sub pack seems to be warming to me, I’m not bonded to them. I’m not one of them, and Carmen will kick my ass to the curb the second he marks her.
She’ll be his Beta until she takes her place as Luna, pushing Meadow down the ranks, from merely becoming his mate. She’ll have more say than any of them, and I can see Colton allowing her to move me out for the sake of their pairing. She hates me passionately and spends all her time either drooling after him or throwing me shade. It’s just a waiting game until she finally has that power to eject me. That’s how it works.
I exhale heavily and pull myself up off the grass where I’ve been sitting cross-legged for the past ten minutes, ripping at strands absentmindedly, letting my mind run riot, as Meadow strolls on up beside me and slumps down, too. She’s barely flushed, no evidence of panting after scaling thirty-foot tree climbs, and almost no sweat has formed on any part of her at all. And she’s unaffected. I’m over here looking like I rolled in a puddle, red-faced, and having a cardiac arrest some twenty minutes after I did it.
I have to admit, though, that my stamina is improving in only a few short days, and I no longer hit the shakes and near vomit like the first time we did this. I’m getting stronger.
“What is it when men today? I swear, I must be getting my cycle because I want to stab idiots in the head. It’s like the haze is coming in and making them all stupid, or loco.” Meadow falls back on the grass, looking very athletic in pink leggings and a matching sports bra that enhances her natural assets. Cesar has been driving her mad the past few days, with his overprotective side kicking in as Juan upped the training schedule and started pushing his agenda a little harder. He’s been all over her, shadowing her through the course, stopping her before any he thinks might be dangerous, and meeting her fury at mollycoddling her. Males can’t help it. Even if their femmes are capable, they need to shelter their mate.
The haze is mating season, and yes, it’s fast approaching and can make the males a little crazy possessive, over-sensitive, and willing to wrap their mates in wadding. It’s an inevitable part of our year, which thankfully is short-lived, but sees every male and femme who’ve turned go into horny overdrive. Most mated couples don’t leave the bedrooms for days on end. The unmated are fair game and result in rushed unions after it’s over. Many markings, out of unwanted pupping, have been made in the past. It’s craziness. I’m not looking forward to it coming at all, seeing as this will be my first year on this side of the fence, and I have no idea how it’s going to feel, especially with a head and heart invested in a guy who intends to mark another.
Meanwhile, the villagers around the mountain refuse to budge, with only a few moving to the makeshift accommodation Juan has been building. I know this is angering him, and it’s denting his ego that these people don’t see him as the authority he thought they did. After all these years of swanning around thinking his transition to ‘ruler’ was set in stone, and no one would dispute it.
His anger is apparent and the show of force yesterday as trucks came in, depositing screaming women and children in the camp, hinted that he’s snapped and took them against their will. It’s horrendous, and I watched in horror as women with bound wrists, roped so they couldn’t fight were hauled out and unclamped to be reunited with hysterical children from another truck. He separated them. Took babies from mothers to keep them compliant. Their mates followed soon after, giving up the fight and coming to submissive control to be with their families. Who does that?
It left a mixed feeling among the Santos, and everyone has been on edge, nipping at one another, having to police the new additions in case they try to return home. You can feel the utter disgust in the air around us. No one is questioning their Alpha, but no one agrees with this. The Santos aren’t as bad as I used to think they all were, and it’s evident that many are not like Juan at all.
Colton was beside him on the podium when the first trucks came in, and he couldn’t stomach it for more than seconds. Saying something to his father, I could see his aggression mounting, his expression thunderous, his eyes glowing even from this distance, and his actions animated as though showing his disapproval angrily. They argued, and Colton stormed off and stayed out of sight for the rest of the deposit. The elders all looked on in silent agreement with Juan, showing exactly who was the empty-hearted and power-hungry with all the control in this hierarchy. Traitors to their kind.
It feels like this place is turning into a prison, much like the home was, with wardens, and it’s quickly collapsing around Juan’s ears as wolves begin to question this in the corners and hallways. You hear the whispers, but they soon fall silent for fear it’ll get back to him. Everyone knows he’s ruthless and will punish any of them, blood or not. He has his lethal pack of war-bitten psychotic wolves that do his bidding. His elders, his brother, and his Beta. Four deathly loyal sub packs at his beck and call if you dismiss Colton’s. A mini army, strong enough to get wolves to fear them. Juan’s untouchable and has the force to back up his claim to being the uniting Alpha. He rules with fear, not respect. There’s no care in his heart.
There’s been no word of any vampire attacks beyond ours since the orphanage, or at least none that Juan has let anyone know about, and there have been no new hits or hints of a threat. Apart from my new living situation, it’s like it never happened, and no one mentions the lives we lost that day. I didn’t even get to bury them or pay my last respects. The cleanup crew moved in, and their bodies were burned outside the city limits, with no one being told until after it was done like worthless trash that needed to be disposed of. A black mark Juan wanted to wipe clean and push out of sight because he can never be seen to be failing at anything.
Juan hides more shame, the same way he hides his failure mate, Luna Sierra Santo. It seems he likes to keep secrets and pretend history is not what it is. I wonder how many of the stories of our war victories have been exaggerated and twisted. No one talks of the fallen or the battles they lost. They only teach us about the heroic wins and the wolves that came back.
“Tell me about it. Colton is high on my hit list today, not that I’ll get close enough to do anything about it.” I sulk into my lap, answering Meadow, depressed and exhausted with this situation, and Meadow leans up on her elbows to look at me.
“He won’t even talk to me about it, Chica. God knows I’ve tried, but he’s inside his head. He does this sometimes, although not for so long. Goes into lockdown and pushes everyone to arm’s length until he figures it out on his own. Been this way since the wars made him grow up way too fast. I think the impending full moon is only making him worse as the clock ticks down, and his father is still messing with his head. I swear, if Juan left him alone for just a week, maybe even a couple of days, that boy would soon see right and do what his heart is telling him.” Meadow spreads star-shaped across the grass and blows out a massive lungful of air as though to expel her frustration, staring at the sky.
“Has his father said anything more about Carmen?” I ask outright, afraid to have these conversations with her as they always leave me feeling worse, but she’s the only person I have had to talk to, and I know she’s on my side in this.
“Only that Colton needs to think of the future of his people. Honestly, I don’t even know why Juan is rooting for Carmen. A month ago, she wasn’t good enough when he constantly told him he needed to get serious and find a better mate. I don’t get it.” Meadow shrugs, rolling on her side to perch herself up on one elbow, picking out some daisies, and twirls them between those talons she calls nails.
“Wait, what? I thought Juan was invested in her as the best femme for Luna? He’s sure as hell fighting her corner hard enough!” I blanch, my head spinning to her entirely as rage ignites inside me, pushing self-pity down.
“Nah, you got that all wrong. Juan has never warmed to her. He only seemed to take any kind of interest in their relationship the second the Fates brought you to Cole as his compañera. Until then, he was one reason Cole hadn’t yet settled and marked her. Always whispering in his ear that he wasn’t ready, that he’s too young and had time, that he should sew some wild oats and live a little. He only started with this marking shit when he knew Cole had his sights set on you.”
“So, his dislike of me contradicts even that. Screwing with Colton’s choice even before me. I swear, I wish I knew why he was so against me. It can’t just be because of the home and losing my family.” I exhale, grabbing at the grass in exasperation and yanking out some more stems before watching them blow from through my fingers on the wind. Set free, roots severed, to find their own path, wherever the wind blew them, and it stirs something in my head.
“The man is all about honor and power; it’s totally about you being one of the unwanted. It’s like a black mark on his bloodline to accept the Fates bonded one so unworthy of his only son. He’s obsessed. I don’t think he’s all there, you know, since the wars, a little loco if you ask me.” She points at her temple and rotates in a circle, leaning up further to gaze at me with crossed eyes, jesting that he’s crazy, but it doesn’t bring any lightness to the conversation.
“I hate him. Even if he is mentally unwell, he’s the reason nothing in my life has been good for a long time. He’s the one who called the packs to unite and go to war. He’s the reason my mother left me to follow his call when they asked for warriors to protect our lands, even though he wasn’t our Alpha. My father tried to stop her ... he knew they had little chance of returning. He wasn’t a warrior; none of my people were. They should have stayed behind and protected the ones here, not left it to the children like Colton to take on a man’s job.” There’s no point in dragging over the failings of the past, but I can’t help it. The wars were a shambles for our people, even if we did end up coming out on top. The packs had no tactics or pulling together until it was almost too late. So many who should never have left our weakest vulnerable to be watched over by young wolves or newly turned. We were lucky to survive attacks on our homelands at all.
“Juan isn’t the man he used to be. Cole didn’t just lose his mamá in those wars; his father came back a changed man. The battles, they got inside his head. He wasn’t exactly soft before, but he only got worse. I think it’s why Colton clings on so hard, trying to win his approval, clawing to stay connected to the only parent he has left. His father single-handedly raised him and molded him into a man these past ten years. Cole’s loyal to a fault; he may seem tough sometimes, but he has his mamá’s warm heart and inability to see the worst in people. It’s his biggest strength, and yet, his worst flaw.” Meadow and I stare intensely at each other, sad moods reflected before I break contact and gaze off into the clouds to try to find some peace. My head’s a mess with all of this, my heart aching badly, as it has done for days now.
“Do you think Juan turned this way because of the Luna too?” I desperately want to understand why someone who was once held high and respected among his pack is now feared and questioned. Why his own hide in corners to disapprove of his tactics, where the ‘loyals’ would never challenge, that’s not the sign of a healthy, united pack. That’s the sign of a failing Alpha clinging to his power. It is a sinking ship, and it doesn’t bode well for what Colton will inherit.
“I don’t know. All I know is, he’s not the uncle I knew as a girl, and I don’t recognize him anymore. Cole tries to pretend he’s still in there. Maybe he sees it and looks for the best in him. I think he fears being cast away like his mamá was and forgotten by all who love him if he pushes it. His father likes to throw it out there that Colton has her weak genes, and it’s probably why he tries so hard to do what Juan wants of him, to prove him wrong.”
“Colton isn’t weak ... he’s confused. Even I can see that. What do you think Juan would do if he defied him and marked me on the full moon? Do you think Juan would send him away, send us away?” I have to know if there’s any hope of changing his mind, that maybe Colton will still come through for me. Even if his behavior tells me that he’s already pushed all indecision aside and chosen a path to take. I need to cling onto a tiny little ray that there’s still time to sway him.
“I didn’t until Cole told me he believes his father would find a way to take you from him if he defied his decision. Juan hasn’t said it outright, but he’s implied it. Cole worries that they’ll take you in the night the way his mamá was and kept from him, with no way of finding you again. God knows he hasn’t stopped trying to find her, but there’s no trace, and those who know, don’t speak about it. He’s no idea which of the elders helped. The Shaman had no part in it. He’s also baffled as to where she is and has been helping to trace her.”