Gave birth to the word Remorse.
“Adrienne, this isn’t what you think. Could you open the door and talk to me?” Justin said on the other side of the door.
She didn’t answer. She turned on her stereo so loud so she couldn’t hear his voice. She knew that she should find the strength. It was the first night she spent without him in more than a month. The first night that she was not with him. And he did what he normally does.
She felt like she cheated on him when Troy kissed her! That same night, Justin had shagged somebody else in his room. In the bed where she had slept in on many nights.
She went to her room, locked her windows and closed the blinds. She threw herself in her bed and cried. She felt pain in her chest…hard, pinching pain. Her stomach began to tie itself in knots. She let the tears fall freely as she hugged her pillow.
What did she expect? Guys like Justin Adams did not want to commit…were never known to commit. Did she really expect playboys like him to be loyal and faithful to only one girl? Of course not! She got her hopes too high without realizing it.
She loved him…so much! And it did hurt. Yes, she had made him the guy on the sidelines, but he was also the guy she loved. And he knew she had a boyfriend from the start.
How could he bring a girl home the way he brought her home? And God, she was perfect! She was a hundred times prettier than Kimberly! How could she compete with that? And maybe, Justin couldn’t resist, either.
He kept calling her. He left messages on her answering machine. He sent her text messages. She didn’t listen or read a single message. She didn’t need his excuses. The evidence had stood in his apartment. Nothing could be as clear as that.
Sure, a stranger couldn’t just come to his place and use his bathroom, right? And use his robe? And he certainly wouldn’t walk around in a towel around the house if there was a complete stranger with you…unless you two have just spent the night banging each other’s brains out.
That thought twisted a knot inside her chest and she thought that her heart broke some more.
The thing that they had…it was good for both of them… for a while. From the start, it never spelled ever after. There were some things that you just take for the moment until they end. After that…it was over. You just have to thank your stars that it ever happened. Remember the good things that it taught you. Because some things don’t give you bad memories at all until they are over.
She fell asleep. When she woke up, it was already six in the evening. Her house remained quiet. She erased the fifty voice messages in her answering machine without listening to them. She erased all the text messages that she received from Justin without reading them.
Then she packed a bagful of clothes and snuck out of her apartment, hoping she wouldn’t run into Justin in the hallway, elevator or in the lobby.
She hailed a cab and went to Yuan’s house.
When he opened the door, he was shocked to see her expression. “What the fuck is wrong with you, girl?”
She shook her head. “Can I crash over here for a week or so? I don’t want to be alone in my apartment.”
“What happened?”
She shook her head.
“Nothing. I just need time to clear my head and think. I’m seeing Kim and Troy this weekend. I have been planning to break up with Troy for a long time.”
Well, that wasn’t exactly a lie.
Yuan didn’t ask any more. He just nodded.
She was trying her best not to cry. If she looked so overdramatic he would grill her for the details.
Jill came over and slept over that night, as well. Her phone kept ringing. Justin was tireless in his pursuit but she wanted to think straight. And she couldn’t get the image of that girl out of her head.
“Are you gonna get that?” Yuan asked her. “Must be Troy.”
She shrugged and then turned her phone off.
“By the way, I have a scoop,” Jill said suddenly, trying to get Adrienne’s mind off her problem.
Adrienne looked at her, thankful for the distraction.
“Justin has a new car,” Jill said. “We saw him driving it from the office today. He was heading out of the building and he rode a sleek brand-new yellow Porsche.”
“He’s rich,” Yuan remarked. “That’s not much of a news. He can change cars every single day if he wants.”
“I know that,” Jill agreed. “But I’m not really sure if it’s his. If it is, then something is going on.”
“Why?”
“Because the plate says I-E-N-N-E.”
Adrienne’s head shot up and she stared at Jill. “What?”
“It could stand for anything,” Yuan theorized. “Probably a different language. He’s multi-lingual anyway.”
“Or!” Jill raised her voice. “It could also be a nickname for a girl.”
Yuan raised a brow. “What kind of a name is that?”
Jill pointed at Adrienne. “Adrienne’s nickname is Yen, but it could also be spelled as I-E-N-N-E.”
“That must be pronounced as ee-yen,” Yuan said.
“It would be sweet if he’s suddenly named one of his cars with a girl’s nick, right?”
Adrienne turned away from her friends. Tears rolled down her cheeks once more. She hoped that her friends wouldn’t notice.
It could all be lies! It could mean anything! That car could even belong to the girl I found in his apartment this morning.
But didn’t he tell her that he has a surprise for her?
What if that was the surprise he was talking about?
What if his new car’s plate meant… my name?
But still…
Why the hell did he have another girl in his apartment?
* * *
She tried to concentrate on her work the next day. She sure knew she looked like hell. She had worn her eyeglasses again to hide her red swollen eyes that said she stayed up all night, crying.
Even Jada knew she felt horrible. She didn’t say anything. But to her surprise, she wasn’t the bitch from hell that she used to be.
Oh! She does have a heart after all!
She was staring at the blank page on her screen when she realized that Justin was standing in front of her.
She looked up at him nervously.
For a handsome guy, who looked so playful and carefree, Justin looked like shit, as well. He hadn’t shaved and it looked like he didn’t sleep at all.
“What are you doing here?” she asked him crossly, but trying to keep her voice down so no one could hear.
He shook his head. “Honey, don’t do this. Please…listen to me first.” He sounded almost like he begged her.
She shook her head. Right now, everything was just plain confusing for her. She and Justin started out wrong. Their four-month relationship seemed to be built on passion, but never entirely on trust. It was a good thing. But that didn’t mean it was right. Because if it was right, then they shouldn’t have to keep it a secret.
She wasn’t being fair to him either. She couldn’t keep stringing him along and making him wait on the sidelines while she couldn’t bring herself to break up with Troy. As much as she felt hurt with the fact that Justin brought another woman home, she also hated the fact she had no right to demand for his faithfulness. She didn’t even exactly give him hers. She’s still with Troy, wasn’t she?
“I need to clear my head. I need to think about what I need to do. The thing we have…let’s just be thankful it lasted that long. It was just supposed to be a one-night stand anyway. I can’t tie you down. And I have too much excess baggage.” She took a deep breath and tried so hard not to cry. “I can’t keep on lying to my friends and cheating on my boyfriend. I’m not some loose woman who plays around. I made my mistake. I have to make things right this time. I’m not being fair to anyone. And it’s time I become fair to you.”
She didn’t know where she got the courage to say those words, without even blinking.
She stared at him. His eyes were narrowed a little and for a moment, she thought she couldn’t contain the cold fury she saw there. She felt almost scared.
“So, just like that?” he asked coldly. “You couldn’t break up with Troy for the longest time! And you’re giving me up just like that? Without even giving me a chance to explain?”
No! I don’t want to give you up!
She wanted to scream that to him.
“You didn’t have to explain. You don’t owe me an explanation.”
Justin balled his fists and gave her table a frustrated punch. “Okay!” he said. “I slept with her! I banged another woman. What can I say? I was in…heat! I would fuck anything that wears a skirt! And she happened to be there! Willing! And easy! So I took her back to our bedroom and screwed her brains out!” He gave her a stone-cold stare. “Is that what you wanted to hear?!”
Adrienne stood up from her seat and without warning slapped Justin on the face. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. Every word he said felt like knives stabbing through her, shredding her, tearing her apart.
When Justin looked at her again, his eyes were shining with tears.
“I thought you trusted me, Adrienne… thought better of me,” he said in a cold and frustrated voice. He shook his head. “I guess you still believed my reputation more than you believed me.” He took one last deep breath and said, “See you around, Miss Miller.” And then he left.
Adrienne sat back on her seat and this time, she really cried. She didn’t hold back.
The other day, she was contemplating on breaking up with Troy. How did things go the wrong way and she broke up with Justin instead? The guy she actually loved.
She took a tissue and wiped the tears from her cheeks and her eyes. Then she gathered her bag and went out of her office. She was thankful that most of her officemates had gone to lunch. No one saw Justin come to her office and no one heard them fight. Jill sat in a meeting in Jada’s office, so she couldn’t ask Adrienne why Justin Adams just went to her office. Knowing her, she would ask for every single detail.
She got out of the building with no particular destination in mind. She didn’t want to go home. She didn’t want to risk running into Justin. He must be so pissed at her. She was still angry at him, too, for the words he said to her. He said his piece, and he could have just provided her with a clear explanation. Instead, he said words that made it difficult for her to know what happened for real.
She was a big mess and she couldn’t even turn to her friends for advice. She could never consult her sister on anything. And Troy was definitely not on the options list.
Twenty minutes later, she was sitting in a bar in a hotel, drinking daiquiri. Yes, maybe in this case, liquor helps!
The lady bartender was looking at her wearily.
“You okay, sweetheart?” she asked.
Adrienne looked up at her. “I’ve been better.”
“Boy trouble?”
Adrienne let out a sarcastic laugh. “Boys troubles.”
The bartender smiled. “Then consider yourself luckier than the rest of us.” Then she turned to serve another customer a drink.
“Now this is the last place I expect to see you at this time of the day.” somebody said beside her.
She turned to her left and saw a familiar guy sitting beside her. He motioned for the bartender to give him a beer. The bartender smiled at him widely, obviously flirting.
Adrienne groaned. That was the last thing she needed.
“So what’s up, Miss Miller?” Jin Starck asked taking a gulp of his beer.
Adrienne shook her head. “Nothing.”
“You could have fooled me!” he said lightly, trying to make her smile.
“I don’t discuss my personal problems with my clients, Mr. Starck,” she said.
He smiled. “Do you see me wearing my suit?”
Adrienne took a second to look at what he was wearing. He wore a dark green long-sleeved shirt over his jeans. His hair was again disheveled. He didn’t look like the tycoon she met at the hotel a week ago.
“Guess you’re not. But why would I tell you all my troubles?”
“Because I happen to be an unbiased stranger.” He grinned. “Don’t worry. Nothing you say to me gets out of this bar. And I totally won’t judge you after this.”
Well, she was desperate to talk to somebody. And right now, nobody she knew would forgive her if she told them the truth.
Adrienne took her drink straight up. Then she motioned for the bartender to give her another drink. “Okay. I must be crazy for telling you this.”
Jin smiled. “You look more desperate to me than crazy, to be honest.”
“You’re right.” She took a deep breath. And then finally, she talked…about the first time how she met Justin, how she ended up in his apartment, and how they were keeping a secret from everybody for the last four months.
She told Jin that she had a boyfriend and why she was with him in the first place. She told him why she couldn’t tell her friends. She told him almost everything…except for the details of her sex life of course, and the names of everybody involved, in case Jin Starck happened to know any of them.
“So this guy that you were with at the bar the night I met you…the one who picked you up at the hotel… that’s the official boyfriend? Or the mistress?”
Adrienne raised a brow at him. She laughed at his choice of word.
Mistress!
“He’s the unofficial boyfriend,” she replied.
“But he sounded like he’s also the one you want to be with.”
Adrienne nodded. “I love him.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. She wiped them off with her fingers and then asked the lady to give her another drink.
“Now, I understand,” Jin said.
“Understand what?”
“That night I met you, I watched you afterwards, trying to figure out where I’ve seen you before. I was curious why your boyfriend sat in the bar and you were at one of the tables with your friends. Now, I know. He’s your secret, other boyfriend.”
“Pretty much.”
“How’d you break up?”
So she told him about the girl she found in his apartment.
“She is so beautiful!” she said. “How could he say that he didn’t screw her after I found her in his apartment wearing his robe?”
“He’s a pretty boy, Adrienne. I’m sure he’s got girls falling over his feet. His concept of beautiful just might be different from yours.”
“He’s a player! A rakehell!” she said. “At least that’s what his reputation said.”
“And you believe that?” Jin asked. Adrienne looked up at him. Jin sighed. “Let me guess. This guy…rich, smart, heir to some throne someday. Girls just follow him everywhere and he can take a pick wherever whenever? Never had a steady relationship. Never committed to anybody?”
Adrienne nodded. “Sadly so.”
“Welcome to my world!” Jin said and Adrienne looked up at him thoughtfully.
Yeah, he was right. He’s exactly another version of Justin Adams.
“But not all of us are heartless, Adrienne. Not all guys who are like that think with their… excuse my French… dicks! Just because he doesn’t commit to a girl doesn’t mean he’s just after the sex. Maybe he’s waiting for the right one to come. Maybe that was you. You got a chance to see what he was really like, and you still believed what others thought about him.”
Adrienne stared back at Jin and tears welled up in her eyes.
He’s right!
Oh God! Justin didn’t screw that girl! But what was she doing in his apartment?
“So…I should…call him?”
Jin raised a brow at her. “Are you single? Have you broken up with your official boyfriend? Have you come clean to all your friends?”
She bit her lip. “No. No. And no.”
“Then no,” Jin said. “If you’re going after a guy you hurt and insulted, make sure you have something to offer in return. And right now, after all that you said to me, I can tell, he only wants one thing from you.” He took a gulp of his beer. “I think you know what that is, cherie.”
Adrienne covered her face with her hands. “God! I just want to call my boyfriend now and break up with him! Maybe I should. Just rip off the bandage.”
“Doesn’t always work. Not in your case,” he said. “You were with him for all the wrong reasons. You were trying to please your mother. Now, be brave enough to do the right thing this time. If you can end up as friends, then that just might cushion the blow for your Mom.”
Adrienne drank another daiquiri. Her world seemed to be spinning now. She turned back to Jin. “You’re too wise for a twenty-three year old.”
He smiled. “I was raised by a wonderful woman. Too bad for you…the woman who raised you sounds like a horrible person who didn’t care about your feelings.” Adrienne wanted to cry at that, because she actually believed that Jin felt sorry for her.
“She was horrible!” she murmured. “She loved my sister but she never loved me. My sister hated me too. My father… was helpless to defend me most times.” Then she laughed. “I lost the one person who made me feel like I mattered at all. I screwed it up, big time!”
She felt Jin put his arm around her shoulders and hug her. Adrienne cried on his shoulder, unable to stop now. She was thankful that she spoke to Jin. He was so comfortable to talk to. She felt like she’s known him all her life. She felt like right now, with him, there was somebody on her side.
“How on earth are you so mature and wise?” she asked in spite of her tears.
Jin heaved a sigh. “Of course, if the world wasn’t mad…if we were in the ideal world…it would be you giving me advice, Adrienne. Not the other way around.” Adrienne knew her world was already spinning. And before she passed out, she thought she heard a little sadness in Jin’s voice.