Chapter Fifteen
Bathroom Confessions
As the day neared its end, exhaustion knock me to my knees. Rebecca barked out orders all afternoon. Before heading home, I pushed through the red door to the bathroom and lurched back when I ran into Estella. She stood by the sink, dotting on makeup. Tall and slender, she was absolutely stunning. Her long, dark locks were pulled up on a high pony tail. She paused when she heard me enter, and looked at me from the corner of her eyes before returning to her task. The room vibrated with an uncomfortable energy. My gut twisted. I knew I couldn’t remain silent anymore.
“Estella, I think we need to talk.”
Without looking at me, she muttered, “I don’t know what you mean.”
“What I saw this morning.”
Through the bathroom mirror, she glared at me with contemp.
“I’m just worried about you,” I continued.
She finished her makeup routine with a touch of red lipstick. After smacking her lips together, she put her makeup back in her bag, then turned to look at me. “Honestly, I don’t know how any of this is your business.”
“I understand what you are struggling through and—”
She stepped closer, her face inches from mine. “No. You don’t. You should stick to being Rebecca’s little puppet. Leave the dancing to us.”
My breath caught for a brief moment as I took a mental step back. “Dancing? That’s what you call sleeping your way to the top?”
“Fuck you, Sara. Alexei cares about me.”
“He humiliated you in front of everyone. Alexei is only using you until the next pretty girl comes around. Can’t you see that?”
Fury sparking in her eyes, she grabbed her bag from the bathroom sink and sneered at me. “All I see is a has-been.” Then she stormed out of the bathroom.
Whoa, what?
A has-been?
I stared after her, watching as the door to the bathroom slowly closed. Then I turned to my reflection in the mirror, my eyes crackling with anger.
How dare she.
All I wanted was to protect her and she called me a has-been? My hands gripped the edge of the sink with an iron grasp. I’d been amazing once. Better than all of them put together.
Now look at me.
The Juilliard promise was a pathetic pencil pusher. The truth of my failure was smeared on my face. I was miserable and everybody knew it. Why had I chosen to work at a dance company? Why did I punish myself with the constant reminder of the person I’d never be? The torment of all the years living in denial hit my chest harder than a bolt of lightning.
Sara Hart is a has-been.
Tears pooled at the corners of my eyes and before I could stop it, I burst into uncontrollable sobs. I had worked so hard to convince myself I was okay with lurking in the shadows of these dancers, secretly pretending to be one of them.
What happened to me? How did I end up here?
I didn’t deserve to be happy. It was that simple.
The sobs became rivers down my face. I couldn’t stem the pain. It pressed on my chest, coiling in my stomach. With my back to the wall, I sank to the floor in a ball of pity, hugging my knees.
I need him.
It was the first thought that came to mind. Floods of emotion drowned me and I couldn’t shake the shivers. I needed Tom’s arms around me. Soothing me. Protecting me.
I pulled out my phone and stared at it long and hard before my fingers found the nerve to call up his number and press talk. The phone rang two times…three times.
He is not going to answer.
Four times.
Finally, not wanting it to go to voicemail, I went to hang up, but as I was about to hit the END button, a small voice echoed out through the phone.
“Hello? Sara?”
I brought the phone to my ear. “Tom?”
“Sara, are you okay?”
“I…I don’t know.” As I tried to hide what I was feeling, more sobs choked my voice.
“Baby, what’s the matter? Why are you crying?”
I continued to sob.
“Sara, what happened?”
A mountain of emotions had piled up so high it finally came tumbling down. A landslide. Unstoppable. Growing stronger and more destructive by the second.
“I don’t know how to explain,” I mumbled between cries, regretting the call.
“Where are you?” he asked.
“Work.”
“I’m coming to get you.”
“Tom, no. Forget it.”
“Just stay put. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”
As I rose up off the floor, I looked in the mirror and almost collapsed. I couldn’t recognize the woman staring back at me. She stood defeated, helpless. A ghost determined to haunt me till the day I died. Taking a deep breath, I desperately wiped away my tears and smudged mascara. I felt stupid for breaking down and calling Tom. What was I going to tell him?
I rushed out of the bathroom as soon as I heard Tom calling out for me. When I spotted him down the hall, he turned and ran to meet me, his hair and suit jacket rain spattered. Inundated with relief, thoughts of finding composure evaporated the moment I laid eyes on him. When he finally reached me, I crashed into him, fervently crying, my tears soaking his jacket. His strong arms wrapped around me, holding me tight, the warmth of his chest enveloping me. After a short moment, he released me from his embrace and cradled my face in his hands, tilting my chin up.
He wiped my tears with his thumbs. “Hey, I’m here. What happened?”
Still velcroed to his body, I shook my head no. I didn’t want to talk. All I wanted was for him to hold me.
“C’mon, let me take you home,” he said, tucking me under his arm, securing me firmly to his body.
Outside, dark clouds dumped their full bellies onto the city streets. Lightning illuminated the skies, followed by loud thunder, vibrating through my marrow. Tom took off his jacket and held it over my head as we headed out the large glass doors and ran to the black BMW sedan parked out front.
The car was still cold from the air conditioning, making my body shiver. Dripping wet, Tom jumped in next to me. He noticed the shaking hands on my lap and reached over to squeeze my fingers, trying to reassure me everything was okay. But was it? I hadn’t broken down like this in years. I was so embarrassed I didn’t’ even know what to say. The press of his fingers on my chin brought me back to focus. “Hey, whatever it is, you’re safe now.” He settled me with his words. Dropping his hand, he put the car in drive, then he reached back over and took hold of my palm. The electric heat coming from his fingers rooted through me, gently warming my body, drying up my sodden spirit.
The rain continued to hammer the streets and not even state-of-the-art windshield wipers could do anything about the poor visibility. Traffic was at its worst, and after fifteen minutes of sitting in silence, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Tom, I’m sorry to make you come out in this weather.”
“It’s just rain.”
“I mean, you were probably busy and…”
“And I was getting ready to leave the office anyway. Stop trying to apologize. I want to be here.”
The tightening of my hand around his showed him my appreciation.
“Well, are you going to tell me what happened?” he pressed.
“It’s stupid.”
“Stupid?”
I took a deep breath. “I talked to Estella. She didn’t really want to hear my advice.”
“Some people are like that, Sara. You did the right thing in warning her. You shouldn’t feel bad about that.”
“That’s not why I was crying.”
“Then, what?”
“It’s hard to explain. You probably wouldn’t understand.”
“Sara, I’ve been through some crazy shit myself. Please, try me.”
“I’m not who you think I am.”
As his foot hit the break for the stopping traffic, he looked at me with narrowed eyes. “Well, I guess that makes two of us.”
Before I could say another word, my phone rang.
“Hold that thought,” I said, looking at the screen. “It’s Jen. I have to take this,” I added as I accepted the call. “Hi, Jen. Yes, I’m coming home. I’m on my way now. I know we need to talk. Okay, see you in a few.”
“She’s still worried?” he asked.
“She’s like my mother at times. Has been since my mom died.”
“I’m sorry about your mom.”
“It’s all right. It happened years ago. Um, since you are taking me home, would you like to have dinner with us?”
“Us?”
“Jen’s making lasagna.”
“Sure. Kinda skipped lunch today.” He winked at me, reminding me of our deskapade.
My body fired up at the thoughts of his deadly tongue doing the tango with my nether regions. I smirked. He knew exactly what to say and how to say it in order to get me to plunge headfirst into the gutter.
The rain let up, and the late afternoon rays made a final appearance through the dissipating clouds. I glanced over at Tom and smiled. We barely knew each other and there he was, holding my hand, being my knight in shining armor—yet again. How had I turned into such a cliché? Why was I letting myself get swooped up by his chivalry? I didn’t like playing the damsel in distress, but somehow, there I was, indulging it to the hilt.
Probably feeling my gaze, he turned to look at me then brought my hand up to his lips and planted a soft kiss on my knuckles. “I’m happy to see you smiling again.”
“Thanks for coming to get me. It means a lot.”
“Anytime, beautiful.”
****
Ten minutes later, we arrived at my apartment and parked in the garage. Tom hit the call button for the elevator, and as we waited, I said, “So…you have quite a collection of vehicles.”
“The Beemer is not mine. Jake let me borrow it.”
“How’s he supposed to get home?”
“It’s New York, he’ll find a way.”
“I feel horrible.”
“Seriously, it’s not a big deal.”
The doors opened and we scurried in. Hands in his pockets, and damp hair over his eyes, Tom hid the crease I knew was formed between his thick eyebrows.
As the elevator opened, I grabbed his hand and guided him out. “You don’t need to be nervous about meeting Jen.”
“I don’t think she likes me very much.”
“She’s protective. You’ll be fine.”
It was as short walk to my apartment. As I unlocked and pushed the door open, Skiddles snaked out. She rubbed her body against my legs. “Hi, girl, mama’s home.” I scooped her up in my arms and nudged her nose as I walked through the foyer. I peered back over my shoulder. Tom stood outside the doorway, his face taut with unease.
“Are you a vampire?” I asked, wanting to infuse the situation with humor.
“Huh?”
I rolled my eyes. “Are you waiting for an invitation? Come on in.”
Jen’s cooking saturated the air with the scent of herbs, sausage, garlic, and basil.
“Smells delicious in here,” he said as he shortened his strides, making sure to stay behind me.
“You should wait to say that in front of Jen. She loves it when people compliment her cooking.” I took him by the hand and pulled him over to the kitchen. “Hey, Jen…” I intoned softly, not sure how to gage her mood.
“Oh, hey. Just finishing up,” she chirped as she tossed a green salad.
I blew a silent sigh of relief. She was livelier than I expected. “Jen, this is Tom. Tom, this is Jen, the best friend I’ve told you about.”
Tom reached over to shake Jen’s hand.
“All good things, I hope,” she joked as she wiped her hand on her apron and accepted Tom’s friendly gesture. I noticed her hard squeeze as she turned to me, her eyes sparkling with acknowledgement.
Yes, I know he’s hot. We’ve said this. Can we move on, please?
“Pleasure to meet you, Jen,” Tom uttered, calling back her attention.
“Pleasure is all mine.” She removed her hand from his and tucked a lose curl behind her ear, a coy smile pulling at the corner of her lips. Jen is never shy, but then again, last time she’d seen him was briefly at the club. She hadn’t had the full of effect of meeting Mr. Panty-Dropper.
“Lasagna will be ready in a few minutes. Make yourself at home, Tom.” She waved us away to the dining table as she turned back to the counter to finish cooking.
“Actually, we’re gonna go freshen up first. Be right back.”
In my room, Tom fidgeted with his suit jacket, not knowing where to sit or stand. Sensing the awkwardness, I guided him toward my bed and asked him to take a seat. “Let me bring you a dry shirt. I’m sure Jen’s got one of Marko’s T-shirts around here somewhere. You guys seem about the same size. I won’t be long.”
He looked up at me, his damp hair curling at the corners, his eyes brimming with turbulence. He seemed out of place in my tiny room. His master bedroom dwarfed the twelve-by-twelve walls that made up my sleeping quarters. Not to mention, I slept on a full bed covered in a paisley duvet, while he slumbered on a four-poster California king made for royalty.
I sighed. I thought back to the moment I locked eyes with him at the coffee shop. The twinkling eyes, the playful smile, the gallant strut. He’d seemed so out of my league. The high-powered exec who drives fancy cars and takes girls out on expensive dinners was seated in my room, waiting for me to get him a shirt, so we could have homemade lasagna made by my overprotective friend who was probably getting ready to grill his ass.
What the hell did I get myself into?
I met up with Jen in the dining room as she set down the placemats.
“Jen.”
“Yeah…”
I reached for the plates and utensils and finished setting the table. “I’m sorry.”
She turned and crossed her arms. “For what?”
As I put the last fork down, I ruefully peered up to meet her upbraiding stare. “For not calling you yesterday. For not being myself these last few days.” It was a sincere apology. I hated I’d completely disregarded everything she’d done to protect me from myself. She deserved better.
She briefly closed her eyes and let out a short sigh before dropping her arms and reaching for the empty wine glasses on the counter. “You know, I’m not your mother,” she said as she handed me the glasses, the chiding tone of her voice dissipating. “I don’t have any right to be upset about you not calling or not coming home to sleep. But, the truth is…I care about you. You are like a sister to me and well, I guess…I’m just worried.”
Flummoxed, my eyes narrowed. “Worried?”
Her hands flew to her hips. “Yes, hon. Worried. This is not you. You don’t get into cars with strangers, or get plastered, or run away to God knows where without telling me where you’re going and then not come home. You don’t bring guys over for dinner. You swore off men recently, remember? Now, all of a sudden there’s this man in your room. I saw the way you two looked at each other. You haven’t looked at anybody like that since…well…since Josh.”
“What are you trying to say, that I shouldn’t be interested in somebody?”
“Is that what this is, then?”
“I’m still trying to figure it out.”
“You just met this guy, Sara.”
“I know. He’s sweet and funny and the kind of man I might need right now, Jen.
“Did you sleep with him?”
I blinked hard. “What?”
“Did you sleep with him?” she pressed.
The question startled me. I was accustomed to talking to Jen about my intimacy, but perhaps it was the realization that maybe I had moved too fast. Instinctively, I shrugged and diverted my eyes.
“You little slut,” she whispered with a laugh.
“Shut up. He’ll hear you,” I whispered back.
“When?”
“Last night.”
“I can’t believe you.”
“You told me to seize the day.”
“What? When?”
“At the club Saturday night, when Tom was bringing me home.”
“I was drunk.”
“Yeah, well. I slept with him and it was amazing.”
She smirked as she poured me a glass of red wine. “That good, hmm?” she asked, her eyes shiny with playful curiosity.
I took a long gulp. The thick liquid left a warm coat on my throat. “You. Have. No. Idea.” Then we both broke out in girlish giggles.
A moment later, I brought Tom back out and we all sat ready to eat. In her best motherly impersonation, Jen placed the hot casserole dish on the table, and said, “Dig in.”
****
During dinner, Tom and Jen volleyed questions about their backgrounds. Jen’s eyes flashed toward me at Tom’s mention of his military past. I knew she’d grill me about it later, especially since she knew about my dad’s struggle with PTSD. Tom entertained her curiosity about his business but offered limited details about his more personal life. Overall, they seemed pleased with themselves. I’d been bored to death listening to them scrutinize each other.
When we were done eating, Jen and I stepped up from our chairs and gathered the dirty dishes. Tom tried to assist, but Jen ordered him to stop and sent him to the living area.
In the kitchen, amidst putting the dishes in the dishwasher and cleaning the counters, Jen grabbed me by the elbow and guided me to the side. I interrupted her before she could scold me. “Jen, I know what you’re going to say.”
“And what’s that?”
“I need to be careful.”
“The military? You’re sure you want to be involved with a guy like that? I know he seems like his head is on straight, but you know the kind of turbulent waters running underneath the calm current on the surface.”
“Jen, I can handle this.”
“Can you?”
“Just say what’s really on your mind.”
“I’m worried you’re moving too fast.”
“I’m not a child, Jen. I don’t need a lecture on sex and dating.”
“Sex can complicate things. I’m just telling you to take it slow.”
My eyes bulged.
First, she tells me to date. Now, she tells me to take it slow?
I fought from rolling my eyes and stomping away like a temperamental teenager. I think part of the reason she frustrated me was because I knew she was right and it irked me to no end. Not wanting to snap at her, I took a couple of deep breaths. She meant well, I knew that. I also knew I didn’t want to screw things up with Tom. Sex can muddy things up and I could already see myself plummeting into a completely sexual relationship with this man.
This time, I needed to do things right.
She must have noticed my inner struggle and reached for my hand, offering some reassurance. “Hey, listen, all that aside, I like him. He really does seem nice. And the way he looks at you…every girl deserves a man worshiping the ground she walks on.”
The tension in my body dissipated and my lips stretched into a wide grin. “You really think he’s nice?”
She nodded. “I’m happy for you, hon.” She grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me out of the kitchen and towards the living room. “Go keep him company while I finish up in here.”
Dressed in one of Marko’s oversize Maroon colored, Boston University T-shirts and his own gray suit pants, he made the outfit look purposeful. He stood over by the large windows facing Central Park, hands in his pockets, his broody eyes probably lost in thought.
“Hey,” I said, startling him from behind.
He stiffened then pivoted around, flashing me his gorgeous smile. “Oh, hey back.”
I tucked loose strands of hair behind my ears. “So…that was interesting.”
He laughed. “Interrogations don’t frighten me.”
“No? Then what does, mister tough guy?”
He reached over and gently grabbed my chin. “You.”
I knew he was teasing, but his eyes were unmoving and serious.
“Is that so?”
Inhaling deep, he released me from his gaze momentarily. “I have to leave for business tomorrow night.”
“Oh…” The thought of him leaving caused an unexpected chill in my chest, and as if he’d sensed the coldness, he cupped my cheek.
“I don’t want to go,” he tried to assure me, perhaps sensing I didn’t want him to go either, but also knowing I didn’t know how to tell him.
The electricity between us was palpable, crackling around us, the warmth from his hand reaching every sensory nerve on my body. “Take the late-night flight again. You can sleep and not think about flying.”
He chuckled nervously, holding my face with both hands, pinning our eyes to each other. “Silly girl. You know that’s not why I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave you.”
Why does he have to say things that hold promise and make my heart ache with longing for more of this—more of him?
Keys and purse in her hands, Jen called from the kitchen. “Can you believe I forgot dessert? Gonna run to the store really quick. You kids behave, okay?” Then she rushed out the door.
Tom’s hands dropped to his hips and he tucked them in his pants while he rocked back and forth on his heels. “She’s a good friend, Sara.”
My eyes rolled to the back of my head. “I know…”
“Come with me to California,” he blurted out of nowhere, his voice bouncy with hope.
I blinked. “Wait…what?”
“I have some things to take care of in LA, but I have a small place in Santa Monica. We can stay there for the rest of the week.”
In my mind, my bags were packed at my feet and I was ready to follow him to the ends of the world if he asked me to. Again, though, I tried to reason my way out of taking a slice of heaven. “I’m not sure this is such a great idea, Tom. We don’t know much about each other and maybe we need to slow things down a bit.”
Cupping his neck with his large palm, he turned from me and paced. “Christ. Sara, since I met you I’ve been stuck in the middle of an avalanche. It certainly is happening too quickly, but I need to know where this is leading and I need you with me to figure that out.” He brushed his nervous hands through his hair so many times, the strands stood up in all different directions.
I stared at him blankly.
“For Christ’s sake, say something, Sara!”
“I…”
He moved closer and took my hand in his, placing it right above the spot where his heart beat fast. “Ever since that day your car broke down, I’ve been dying to get to know you, to know what you are thinking, to open that door you are so scared to unlock.”
I shied away from his stare. “It’s going to take time, Tom.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” he retorted, losing patience with me. “It’s why I want you to come with me. We can spend more time getting to know each other.”
My chest heaved with emotion as my fears peeled away layer by layer, freeing me to embrace his gift. I wanted to leap into his arms and be swallowed up into his being, submerged in the calm of his waters. My eyes spoke louder than words as I stared deep into his golden-green ocean. He beamed, realizing I felt exactly how he did. I laid my head over his heart and listened as each beat quieted my ambivalence. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight, anchoring me to his strength.
Yes, I wanted this. I wanted him with every ounce of my existence. I held him tight and made a decision I hoped I wouldn’t regret. “When should I pack my bags?”