SAVANNAH
On the South Service Road to Long Island, I fought my sleepiness by listening to the playlist on my phone that I connected to Rafe’s car stereo. But the music alone wasn’t enough. I needed something to keep my head busy.
“Tell me more about you. If you like us to appear madly in love in front of your family, don’t you think I should know a bit about you before meeting them?” Honestly, that was just an excuse. We were past the introduction phase of our lives, and he knew most about my life. Rafe, for me, was still a force of mystery. Darkness, I was waiting to come into the light. “We have an hour’s drive. It’s plenty of time to get to know each other more.”
“I already know plenty about you.”
“No, you don’t. I’ll go first so you don’t think I’m unfair. You still don’t know I’m allergic to peanuts.”
He glanced at me. “Wow. That’s a hindrance to your dining experiences. I like peanuts.”
“Yes. I get itchy in my mouth, neck, and arms. Once, my lips also got so swollen that Michael had to take me to the ER. I almost couldn’t breathe.” I cringed, remembering my disgust. “I always brought antihistamine with me just in case.”
“No peanuts, then,” he whispered, seemingly interested.
I nodded. “Your turn.”
“What am I allergic to? I’m not sure if I’m allergic to anything. That never happened to me.”
“That’s good. But no.” I chuckled. “I mean, say anything you want to share. No rules.”
He hummed, thinking, with his gaze focused on the road. “I had atychiphobia.”
“Fear of failure?”
“Yes.”
Whoa. That was a huge confession. Many things and situations could fall into this type of fear. I couldn’t imagine Rafe failing in anything, but many of my questions could be answered in that one huge sentence.
Questions about why he was too reserved, thought he couldn’t love, and couldn’t open up. I had to use mind games like this for him to confide his true feelings.
“And you’re okay now?”
He shrugged. “You can say that. I had therapy in my teenage years. I was born and molded into a person my parents expected to be faultless.”
From what he told me about his father, he probably still seeks his approval.
“But nobody’s perfect, Rafe. I mean, everyone fails at some point in their lives. I’ve failed a thousand times ever since I was born.” That was the common nature of life. You fall, but you get up to be more than the person you used to be.
“In my world, in my life, I don’t think it’s that simple. There’s no room for failure.” There was a mark of distaste in his eyes. “But I think it’s your turn.”
Oh no. I still wanted to hear more about his family and how he grew up with their ideas.
But if he confessed something huge as this. I should too. “Um… Fall is my most hated season.”
“That’s interesting. It is the fall season. Why?”
“It was when my dad passed away.” And next month would be his death anniversary.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “What happened?”
“Dad fell ill when I was in fifth grade. He had stage four bone cancer. In his last days, he loved looking out the windows, watching the skies and orange trees, and the kids playing outside. One afternoon, before his last breath, Michael and I thought he was just spending his usual day. Our dad passed away on his bed, and his eyes were opened. So, yeah. Fall makes me feel melancholy.”
He extended his hand to me and held my hand firmly. “I’ll remember that. Let me know if you feel that way until before the first snow. I’ll show up whenever you need company.”
It made me smile. “That’s very thoughtful of you. Thank you.” I straightened my shoulder, feeling a bit more relaxed. “Your turn. Can I ask you something instead?”
“Yeah. Anything.”
I wrinkled my nose, thinking of the right approach to ask what I had in mind. “You said you had a girlfriend once. Can you tell me about her?”
His expression was suddenly filled with recognition. “Oh. Gill?”
So it was really her. The one Edward mentioned.
“Yes, her.”
“What about her?”
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I lifted my hips so I could pull it out. “Just things, you know. Why did you consider her your girlfriend since you said you don’t have relationships?” I looked at my screen. I had a text from an unknown number.
“I was young. I didn’t know the meaning of relationships and what they do to people.”
“That isn’t the answer to my question.”
“I don’t understand the question.”
I sighed. I was going to respond with another question about how he knew her, but I was distracted by the text on my phone. It was from Brett. He asked me when we could meet tomorrow because he wanted to discuss my search for Michael’s family. He said his investigator, Elliot, had a lead. I didn’t know what to tell him because I was occupied the whole weekend. It was an important matter too, so I was left frustrated. I replied that I’d call him back. He answered with another text that he had not much time in his schedule next week.
I ignored the latest text and threw the phone back into my handbag, rolling my eyes. Brett was still as bossy as ever. I didn’t even ask him to help me.
“The actual question is, how did you get to know her?” I returned to my question, recalling Edward’s implausible story. Apparently, the other person allegedly involved kept texting me. Damn you, Brett.
“I knew Gill from middle school, but we only became acquainted in high school,” he began casually. “She’s a daughter of one of mom’s acquaintances in the foundation.”
“So your family knows about her?”
“They don’t. I didn’t tell them.”
“So, that’s it? It’s because she’s a girl around your circle?” Give me more, Rafe. Edward mentioned his feud with Brett started with her.
“No. She was attractive too, and she followed me around, so we hung out. I thought I might try to get a girlfriend because most of the guys that age had one. It was out of curiosity.”
“Did it get serious?”
“I thought it could be.” His voice was low and quiet. “But she could turn out to be just one of my failures if I don’t let her go.”
“Your fear, you mean.”
“What? I don’t fear her, no. I fear what I could do to her if I don’t let her go.”
“Oh, Rafe. What could you possibly do to a girl? You are thoughtful, and you are courteous to me. Were you this way with her, too?”
“Yes.”
I shivered. I didn’t expect he would be so honest. “You can tell me.”
“I don’t think my family will ask you about that. They don’t know her. You’re the first woman I ever brought here, so naturally, they’d think you’re my first girlfriend.”
“Even so…” I murmured. He refused to shut it off once again. I thought he was being unfair this time.
My phone buzzed again. It wasn’t a text but a call. I was beginning to feel frustrated and instantly thought of asking Brett directly. But I didn’t know if I could trust everything this man would say. I was only giving Michael’s case an exemption.
I cut the call and texted instead.
I really can’t tomorrow.
When my focus returned to Rafe, he was watching me. His brow arched. “Who keeps calling and texting you?”
His tone made me think he was jealous. My insides purred. “Is it my turn?” I teased.
“Yes, it is,” he said emphatically.
I considered making something up; something could provoke him from telling me more honest answers. But I remembered everything about Brett goaded him for some deeper reason. And I wasn’t the one to lie. “It’s Brett. It’s annoying, actually.”
“Why would Brett text you?”
“It’s private. Family matters,” I said, shoving the same reality he just threw at me. It was immature, but I was just an imperfect human who could get frustrated. I was annoyed at both him and his mortal nemesis.
He shook his head, sighing sharply. “I know what you’re doing.”
“And what am I doing?” I blinked, trying to look innocent.
“You’re trying to get back at me.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Fine. I don’t think I want to know that, either.”
God. His jealousy was hot. “Do you mean that?”
“Is that my turn?”
“No. But you thought I was getting back at you. Why do you think so?”
“Because I snapped at you,” he said, sounding more sympathetic. “Yeah, I get it. It’s frustrating.”
“And about Brett. I already told you about it. We’re just talking about Michael, that’s all.”
“You aren’t family anymore.”
“But we were.”
A divorce didn’t make the Reeds strangers in one snap. The total separation didn’t happen overnight. It takes time to cut off ties when you still have unresolved matters.
I stared at Rafe, who seemed to be heavy in his thoughts. What was going on in his mind? What would it take to get in there?
“Won’t you really tell me about Gill? I just want to get to know you better,” I say frankly and honestly.
“Do current girlfriends ask about their boyfriend’s exes?”
“I don’t know. I only had one ex, and you know him.”
His jaw tightened, and his chest vibrated. “Trust me, Savi. It’s better if you don’t know. What I did to her… It was ugly.”
What could he possibly do to that girl? However horrible that was, I still wanted to know. Or was he afraid of this too? I wished he could trust me enough to tell me that part of his life.
“I thought we spoke about giving each other more.”
His mouth tightened into a straight line, but I saw the softness in his eyes. “I share more with you than anyone else. You’re changing me. I’m a different man when I’m with you, and it’s an incredible discovery. I have a lot to explore about myself whenever I’m with you, so I feel what we have now is already perfect. I just don’t want to ruin this. Please.”
Now, that was another big confession. He felt something. If not love, I still sparked something in him. I just knew it! Oh, God. My heart rejoiced.
I sat, mesmerized. Maybe he was right. This was for the better. There was no point bringing up a dreadful past.
“I’m sorry. You’re right,” I said softly. “I won’t ruin this for us.”
He brushed his fingers on my cheek. “Shh. You’re not ruining anything.”
I wrapped my fingers around his. “I still didn’t ask you about your favorite color, scent, or food. And why the heck don’t you sleep with anyone? I still wondered about that when you told me your conditions.”
He relaxed and beamed. “I slept next to you the night you stayed in my penthouse. Don’t you remember?”
“You did? I didn’t notice.”
“I woke early, and you were knocked out.”
“But why? Why did you say those?”
“So many questions.” He laughed. “I didn’t wish to be more engaged in any romantic relationship, Savi. And I’m used to sleeping alone because I’m easily disturbed. I wasn’t interested in canoodling after sex.”
“And you want that now?”
“Oddly, that night you slept with me was one of the better nights I’ve had in years. So, yes. I want that now.”
We continued the drive to The Crossways onto a turn to Ocean Avenue, letting a moment of peaceful silence between us. Finally, Rafe turned off to a private drive. At the gate entry, the security allowed us to continue past the long, high driveway. He stopped the car in front of an enormous contemporary, two-story estate.
“Were here…”