Aviva
Ryan moves like a large, lumbering animal, but I knew that. He’s not light on his feet whatsoever, but I can’t fault him for not knowing any of the steps to numerous dances passed down from generation to generation as I tug him around the fire, spinning in dizzying circles while my right hand throbs as it heals from being sliced open and slapped against his, our blood mingling.
It was, admittedly, a very odd sensation I still can’t put into words. Even now, two hours later, my hand feels all tingly, and those tingles have worked their way up my arm and deep into my chest, blooming into something new, heavy, and strange.
I’ve never danced so much in my life, but eventually Ryan and I were parted by other celebrators who joined the dancing. I lost him in the crowd an hour ago, but maybe that’s for the best. I need this veil of delusion to lift so I can think clearly and come to terms with what has to happen next.
I look up at the stars and the full moon overhead as I lie on top of a random earth house just outside the inner ring of the village. I roll over to my side and watch several people dart into the rolling hills to shift beneath the full moon, called away from the celebration by the thick energy in the air.
I want to shift, too. I’m overwhelmed and itching to get out of this dress. Full from a delicious dinner and several glasses of sweet, brightly flavored mead, I’m also ready to fall into bed and close my eyes.
But I’m supposed to fall into bed with Ryan tonight, aren’t I?
I groan and start to roll back over onto my back, but I spot Ryan moving through the crowded village center toward where my father is standing with three other elders. I sit up, squinting past the bonfire sending sprays of amber light all over the village, and watch as Ryan takes my father to the side.
Then I see Freya lingering nearby, standing on her toes to get a better look at Ryan and the elders. I rise, debating leaving my quiet perch, when my father turns from Ryan and starts speaking to the other elders again, who seem to be arguing about something.
What the hell is going on?
I hike up my dress and pick my way down the side of the hill just as Freya comes tearing in my direction, her face lit up in a delirious smile.
I drop the long skirt of the dress, still standing on the slight rise of the hill, while Freya claws her way up, squeaking a yelp as she slips on the grass and bangs her knees.
“What in Goddess’s name are you doing?” I laugh as she pops up and runs in my direction.
“You won't believe,” she pants, “what I just accomplished.” Her blue eyes are wide and excited as she takes my hands, heaving a breath. “I’m going with you.”
“Going with me… where?”
“To Silverhide, of course.” She heaves another sharp breath. “Where else?”
I stare at her as she places her hands on my shoulders to steady herself. She pulls me to the ground where we sit side by side overlooking the party still going on below. “How?”
“How did I do it? Well, I ran into your husband a few minutes ago. He was looking for you.”
I bite back a sigh as she meets my eyes, scanning my face. “Was he?”
“Well, yeah. You’re his wife now. I think he and his men are about to go back to their camps. When he saw me, he asked where to find you, and we started talking about you–”
“What about me?”
She smirks, nudging me with her shoulder. “I just told him I hadn’t seen you look so happy before. You rarely dance, you know. That was a treat.”
“Wait–how–how’re you coming to Silverhide with me?”
“Oh, yeah. Well, if you’d let me finish.” She rolls her eyes to the stars, sighing happily. “Your husband seemed worried about you running off tonight, into the woods, and I said you wouldn’t do that because you know how much this means to him.”
I snort a laugh, and she rolls her eyes back to mine, smiling devilishly.
“And then I might have mentioned how hard it’s going to be for you to adjust, especially without any friends in Silverhide since all your friends are here in Endova, to which he seemed shocked that you had any friends, besides me.”
“Okay, get to the point!”
“That Andrew guy mentioned how their Beta’s wife is having a baby soon, and how James, whoever that is, but I assume he’s the Beta, or whatever…. Where was I? Oh, Andrew mentioned how this James guy and his wife might need a little extra help with the baby when it’s born, any day now I guess, and I kept mentioning how lonely you’d be in Silverhide all on your own, and eventually Alpha Ryan wanted us to just shut up, and he asked if I’d be willing to travel with you and spend the summer with his pack to help you acclimate–”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. He’s just a man, Aviva. It wasn’t hard to put the idea in his head. He walked right up to our fathers and pled his case, to which my father agreed, as long I’m not housed with any single men, and he returns me to our tribe during the Harvest Festival.”
My mouth drops open. “But–do you have any experience with babies?”
She shrugs, picking at the grass underneath us. “Of course, I do. I have more experience taking care of mothers, though. My older brothers are both married and have kids now, you know. Anyway, I’m going with you, Aviva.”
The heavy burden weighing down my chest lifts a touch. I’m not even sure what to say. I’m happy, of course, and exceedingly relieved, but there’s still an undertone of nerves running through my veins that makes me want to run into the night and disappear.
“What’s on your mind?” Freya says after a heavy beat of silence.
“Nothing. I’m just tired.”
“You’re never tired. You’re nervous for tonight, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She hums a laugh and turns to face me, giving me a sharp, knowing look. “You know where… it’ssupposed to go, right?”
I grind my teeth and scowl at her. “I’m twenty-two, Freya.”
“So?”
“So… I’ve seen men naked before.”
“Well, we all have. We’re wolves, after all. But do you know where it goes?”
“Yes.” I growl, but my cheeks are burning.
“And you know how babies come to be?”
I swallow hard. I don’t want to think about babies or the act of making them, but I’m a wife now. This is my divine purpose, according to our culture.
“You have to do the marital act,” she says dramatically, then lifts her hands, making a little circle with her thumb and forefinger one hand, and pumping her forefinger on the opposite hand through it.
I lightly smack her hands away as she laughs. “It can’t be that bad, you know. I’ve heard people like it.”
“And what does your mother say?” I ask her, hugging my knees to my chest.
“I’m sure she’ll tell me all about it when someone pays my bride price. Who knows? Maybe Andrew will finally grow some balls and flirt with me instead of just staring at me every chance he gets.” She looks smug as she turns back toward the bonfire. “Maybe I’ll marry into the Silverhide pack, just like you, and we can grow old together like we planned. But, until then, I just want to know that you’re prepared for tonight.”
I lick my lips as nerves bloom through my body, making my skin prickle. I’ve seen Ryan naked but only his outline. He’s huge, and I’m sure he’s that big all over. He could crush me and suffocate me to death just by rolling over in his sleep, I’m sure.
But there’s a part of me that’s a little excited, even though I hate to admit it. Ryan makes me slightly dizzy when he’s around. And tonight, when he’d held my hand, and the length of cloth was wrapped around our joined hands to signify our unity, his touch had burned into me like fire that ignited something new in my blood.
Something, I admit, that has me incredibly curious about how it would feel if he touched me… elsewhere.
But another thought plagues my heart, cutting through every other feeling. I look down at the bonfire and spot Mercy carrying Lora back to our house. Lora is slumped over her shoulder, limp and asleep. I wonder where Shoshannah is, then spot her sitting with a group of girls close to her own age and smile to myself as Shosh laughs.
I’m not ready to leave them. I raised those girls like they were my own. Mercy and I were all they had when it came to a mother’s love, and it kills me knowing I won’t wake up with them in my arms anymore.
“They’re going to be okay,” Freya says quietly, resting her hand on my knee. “You know they are.”
“They’re just so young still. I thought I had more time before this happened.”
“They’re old enough to know what to expect. Women leave the village every year to marry.”
My throat aches as I watch Shosh hop up as Mercy calls out her name and runs to our house to be tucked into bed.
I rise, dusting off my dress. “I need to go home and pack–”
“You’re already packed up.”
Freya and I turn to find Ryan standing at the bottom of the hill, his white shirt unbuttoned down his chest and his hair ruffled. He looks slightly off kilter, likely from the drinks being shoved in his direction all night and the fact I made him dance for over an hour before reality slapped me in the face, and I ran away from him.
His eyes meet mine in the moonlight, steady and unreadable. “I could have done that myself,” I tell him hotly.
“Well, we’re leaving in a few hours, just before dawn. You should rest before then.”
Freya stands as I begin walking down the hill, meaning to brush past him and walk home, but he catches me by the arm.
I know I’m being mean. I know I shouldn’t be glaring at him, my own husband. I know he had no idea what he was doing when he gave my father that golden elk pelt. I know he didn’t want this just as much as I didn’t, but we did it anyway.
Because we had to.
This isn’t about love. He will sleep with me tonight, taking my innocence, not because he wants me or feels anything for me, but because I am his wife now.
“You’re coming back to my camp,” he says, his voice low and soft, like the words hurt.
It would look odd if I didn’t go with him tonight, wouldn’t it? We share the same sentiment, obviously, because he looks like he would do anything to allow me to walk away and disappear into my own house.
I look up at Freya, who’s watching us with a curious expression on her face. When Ryan turns his head to start walking me away, Freya repeats the crude motion with her hands, and I smile despite the chill licking down my spine.
I’ll be okay. I doubt Ryan will be aggressive with me. I doubt he’ll hurt me on purpose. He wouldn’t, right? He’s not like that. I haven’t–he hasn’t ever made me feel like I should be scared of him….
We walk in silence to his camp. A few tents are still up, but his men are actively packing their belongings and items they acquired during trade with my village.
Ryan leads me into one tent, which isn’t big enough for more than two people. There’s nothing but a mat to sleep on, a few blankets, and a bag of my things. The few dresses and clothing items I own are neatly packed away, my mother’s golden necklace sitting on top. Everything I own in one little bag. Mercy must have done this today while she took care of everything else for my wedding.
My heart sinks.
I turn to Ryan, my chest aching. I open my mouth, but the words I’m looking for are lost when I notice the pain in his eyes as he looks at me, his gaze sweeping over my face, then my body, and back up again. “You’ll be able to see your sisters to say goodbye in the morning. We’re leaving in four hours. Get some sleep.”
He leaves the tent.
He doesn’t come back.