Sarah
I wake to something squirming next to me then sharp fingernails poking at my breasts before Blake latches like the champion he is. I open my eyes, startled to find him next to me, and look down at my son, who’s wearing a fresh onesie in sage green and a new diaper, from what I can tell.
I turn my head to look at the clock on my bedside table. It’s 7:00 AM.
And there’s a piece of printer paper next to the clock with neat scrawl I don’t recognize. I flex my fingers, catching the edge of the paper, and drag it toward me while Blake makes soft, blissful cooing sounds as he nurses.
That’s when I realize I’m totally naked, and the flavors, textures, and feelings from last night come hurtling back as I clutch the paper and read the text.
I’ll be back in two days.
Sydney.
I set the paper down and look up at the ceiling.
What have we done?
My heart starts to race out of rhythm, but Blake pops free of my breast and starts smacking me with his little hand.
I make a silly face at him, letting him ground me, and feel tears prick along my lashes when he gives me a huge, sleepy smile. His first smile.
Soft morning sunlight drifts through the curtains while I play with him, letting him wrap his tiny hands around my fingers and mimicking his coos. It’s warmer than usual today. The bitter bite of winter finally let up and allowed some hint of warmth to brush through the air.
The season will change soon. The snow will start to melt. Grass will grow, and flowers will bloom and life will move on.
But how?
How am I supposed to carry on, knowing what I know now?
My heart is heavy as I leave Blake in the center of the bed to kick his little feet against my pillow. I quickly dress, pulling on panties and a matching bra, a pair of black yoga pants, a heather gray crewneck with little embroidered tulips on it, and a pair of fuzzy socks. I watch him from the doorway to the bathroom while I brush my teeth and braid my hair, and then I scoop him up, nuzzling him while making little clicking noises with my tongue that make him beam up at me.
He’s so animated lately. He’s shedding that newborn slump that makes him more like a baby doll than something real.
Blake squawks as I reach the kitchen, lifting his head from my shoulder and looking around.
The person he wants swoops in on him, excitedly telling us both good morning. But Cosette isn’t the only person in the room.
I’m frozen solid as she gracefully takes Blake from my arms and turns with him, mentioning something about, “Making Mommy her morning cup of tea.”
I curtsy, my heart hammering.
“Good morning, darling,” Queen Madeline says as she approaches me, her voice as sweet as honey. “I wasn’t sure I’d see you. It’s so early.”
“Her Highness likes my special blend of tea, too,” Cosette says with a grin as she balances Blake on her shoulder and pours three cups of tea from a kettle with the other.
The queen grins. Goddess, she’s gorgeous.
“I’m so sorry, again, for dropping in like this,” she says as she walks toward the kitchen table. She’s wearing tailored trousers and a soft blue sweater, her hair swept back in a bun at the nape of her neck. Her blue eyes meet mine again, soft and welcoming. “It’s rather quiet at the castle, and I never sleep well when Isaac’s away.”
Isaac, the Alpha King. It’s so hard to think of that man as someone’s mate and husband, someone’s father. He has a reputation for being stern and hard, but the love in the queen’s eyes as she says his name reminds me that he’s just a man, a man capable of loving someone deeply, like his wife.
“It’s always a pleasure to have you here, Maddy,” Cosette says softly as she loads the tea service on a tray to bring to the table.
I turn to help her, but she shakes her head, motioning for me to go sit down.
I take Blake from her shoulder instead, noticing the odd look on Cosette’s face as she scans me from head to toe, then smiles smugly.
She can’t know, can she? That Sydney and I….
“So,” the queen says, smiling over the rim of her teacup. “This is your son, then?”
I nod and sit Blake in my lap so he’s facing the table. He looks around, wide eyed, toying with the lace tablecloth. Cosette sits between me and the queen. She keeps looking at me, and my cheeks are starting to burn.
“Cosette, do you remember when Hannah had her first baby?”
Cosette chuckles and nods, “How could I forget? Poor Hannah. She was in pieces over how bald Juniper was when she was born.”
“And now look at her.” The queen smiles, shaking her head. “She looks so much like Cassian with that copper, curly hair. She’s so beautiful. She’s graduating from Wellington this spring, you know. She wants to be a teacher.”
“Since she was a child,” Cosette remarks, nodding. “She’ll be fantastic.”
I watch the two women converse like old friends and start to forget that I’m sitting across from the queen of this kingdom.
But I haven’t touched my tea, and Blake is now gnawing on the edge of the table.
The queen watches me, watches him, with a wistful smile on her face. “May I hold him? So you can drink your tea, at least.”
My heart nearly stops.
Cosette looks at me expectantly, and I gracefully pass the baby to her, who passes him to Her Highness.
“He’s squirmy, Your Majesty. And likes to chew–”
“Oh, please, call me Maddy. Everyone else does.”
Maddy.
I watch her as she smiles down at Blake with so much tenderness in her eyes.
She runs her fingers through his dark brown hair, which is starting to thicken up instead of fall out completely, like Cosette warned me might happen sooner rather than later.
“Oh, he reminds me so much of Sydney and Ryan when they were this age.” She chuckles softly. “Well, Syd at least. Ryan was the size of a three-month-old within the first two weeks of his life.
I can believe that. Ryan is absolutely massive.
Blake starts to nod off, his eyes growing heavy as he coos with pleasure at her practiced touch, and then promptly slumps to sleep in her arms.
Maddy’s eyes meet mine. “He’s beautiful, Sarah.”
“Thank you… Maddy.”
She grins at me, pleased that I used her first name. A nickname, too. Informal and intimate, like I’ve somehow been allowed into the sacred circle of their family.
We drink our tea in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Maddy says, “Isaac and Sydney are in Moorn.”
Cosette sighs, rising to get the kettle off the stovetop. “He didn’t even mention this trip to me.”
“They left several hours ago,” Maddy confirms with a sad nod. “I don’t know when they mean to return, but I couldn’t take being in that big house by myself. I figured I’d come here and see how everyone was doing.”
“Dalia should be home later tonight,” Cosette says as she pours more tea.
“I’ll miss her, then.” Maddy looks down at Blake, her eyes slightly glassy.
Cosette’s gaze slides to me again, skeptical, as she sets the kettle down and wipes her hands on her apron. “I have some laundry to finish this morning; you’ll have to excuse me.”
“I’ll catch up with you later, Cosette. Thank you for the tea.”
She gives us both a bob of her head in farewell, and suddenly, I’m alone with the queen of Crescent Falls.
Maddy looks toward the windows as she drinks her tea. I sip mine, feeling awkward and slightly uncomfortable. I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know how to act or feel.
But she turns to me with a slight smile that brightens her eyes as she says, “I wanted to talk to you alone, which is really why I’m here.”
I swallow hard, wondering if I’m in trouble for something. If the flowers really weren’t good enough, or–
“I worry about Sydney,” she admits, raising Blake to her shoulder and patting his back. “I was afraid I’d never see him smile again after returning from Eastonia this fall but then… you happened.”
A weight like a thousand dumbbells settles on my shoulders.
“He told me what happened to you. What you were going through, alone, pregnant, and I… I understand what you must be feeling right now, stuck in this house with this Alpha you barely know. But Sydney is a good man.”
“I know,” I reply, my mouth going dry. “He really is.”
“Yes. I like to think I had a hand in his being like he is, but he’s been like this since he was born. Kind, brave, reasonable. Wise beyond his years but he… he tends to shelter himself and draw away from others. When I heard you were staying here with him, I felt like I could breathe again. When I saw how he smiled at you at my party I… well, Sarah, whatever you’ve done to my son, I’m grateful. Forever grateful. Sydney has never had an easy time making friends.”
She doesn’t know the half of it. I nod, doing my best to smile.
I don’t deserve this praise, but it settles in my chest, which blooms with warmth.
“My In-Laws are visiting next month when they bring my daughter home. Normally the entire family spends a month in Maatua every year for the Solstice. This was the first winter it hasn’t happened since we got married and I wanted to try to bring everyone together here, at least for dinner. Ella and Ryatt have confirmed that they’ll come, and I was hoping, if it’s not too much trouble, that you’d put together some centerpieces for the dinner.”
“Of course, I will.”
“I’d love for you to have dinner, too. If you’d like?”
When I don’t answer right away, she continues, “I know it’s a lot. This family… These royals. Trust me, I was like you once. Maybe I’m still like you.” She smiles softly. “I just want you to know that Sydney wouldn’t have brought you here had he not meant to keep you in his life somehow, and to me, that means the world. He cares for you, even if he can’t say it. Even if he tells him he can’t–”
“Why are you telling me this?” The words slip out before I can stop them.
She gently strokes Blake’s back, her eyes darkening a shade. “I’m sorry. I’ve overstepped.”
We stare at each other for a moment, and I come to a glaring realization.
I smell like Sydney. I haven’t showered since we were together last night. Is that what she’s picking up on, or does she know something I don’t?
Something I can’t know. Not yet.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” she says hastily, her cheeks going crimson, which makes me feel worse than I already do. “Please, do come to our family dinner. You’re invited. I’d love to have you there, you and Blake, of course. Sydney is being forced to come.”
I nod as she stands abruptly, her blush now creeping down her neck. I rise with her, and she carefully passes Blake to me so he doesn’t wake up, but her eyes linger on his face for a moment too long.
Her eyes meet mine.
“You’re welcome here, Sarah. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
I want to cry. I want to snap and tell her everything, but I can’t. I close my eyes as she caresses my cheek, and then she’s gone, her light footsteps fading as she turns the corner into the dining room and into the recesses of the house.
I swallow a sob and sink back into my chair. My tea grows tepid as minutes pass.
Eventually, I go upstairs with Blake and tuck him into bed where he sprawls out like a starfish, his tiny hands curled into fists.
I step away from his crib and look down at him. He looks different than he used to. No longer a newborn, his features are beginning to show.
And I’m doomed.
I have little options now. I knew my time with him would be limited, but this is… this is the best place for him. He’d be surrounded by people who love him.
But my mind goes to Sydney, tracing the lines of his face while we fell asleep in each other’s arms not once, but twice. Three times, if I’m being totally honest, which I haven’t been for a long, long time.
Fate is a cruel bitch, isn’t she?