Boone
Boone, 21
Carter, 18
I wake up and roll over, expecting Carter to still be in bed with me. One night and I already want to wake up to her every morning. I've always thought of myself as belonging to her, so it's no wonder I'd slip right into thinking she belongs to me, too.
She's not here, though. Her side is warm, and the sheets are distressed. I lie still for a second, listening for her. Maybe she's looking for water or food, or she went to the bathroom. She wouldn't just leave, would she?
That's enough to get me up and off my ass. I'm still naked as the day I was born because after Carter and I made love, we sort of passed out. I slept better than I ever have because she was in my arms. Normally I'm constantly worrying about my dad and Declan and Carter, but last night I wasn't. I guess at the end of the day, she's really the only thing that matters.
After I throw on a pair of boxers, I look around for any evidence to prove she was even here. Her clothes are gone, but that doesn't mean anything. Carter's got more self-preservation than I do and actually wears clothes. I dig around on the counter in the kitchen for the shitty cell phone I bought at a dollar store.
"Fuck," I mutter when I see it's dead.
God, she can't leave me. I can't let this happen again. Letting her go about killed me the first time. I can't do it again—not when I'm out to make this thing work. Plus she needs me for when Declan … shit.
I immediately start for the door. Just as I'm about to open it, I see her shoes lined up against the wall. She's still here. Now I almost wish she wasn't.
It's not that I don't trust her with Declan … well, I'm lying. I don't trust her with him at all. If he can't tell her the truth, then he shouldn't be around her. He's probably doing God knows how much drugs now that he knows he's gonna die. Another reason why she needs to stay clear of him.
I step out through the broken door and jog on over to Tish's place. The door is open, leaving no doubt Carter's here. Hopefully he didn't come home. Maybe she's just having a look around.
"Carter?" I call as I walk in.
Silence.
The whole trailer is dark and grungy, with decayed trash and used plastic plates everywhere. The place looks as if it came straight out of an impound lot or a junkyard. It's always given me the creeps, which is why I always hated the idea of Carter being alone here. Still do.
"Carter?" I yell again.
I walk back toward Tish's bedroom, doubting Carter would be there. I don't know where else she'd go. I guess she could've gone back to the picnic area, but I can't see her going too far without her shoes.
I freeze the second I step inside Tish's room and see Carter collapsed on the floor oddly. At first, the only thing that registers is she's crying because that's the worst sort of torture for my soul. I resent the damn tears streaking down her cheeks and vehemently hate whatever has her looking like she's having trouble breathing. All I want to do is comfort her.
"Carter?"
She doesn't look up at me. Instead she stays focused on …
The Carter fog I always get around her disappears, and I realize she's holding Declan in her arms. She's rubbing his head, brushing his greasy, matted hair away from his face. He's ashen, his eyes are completely blank, and there's something crusted around his mouth.
I blink, my view widening. Next to him is a syringe, and in his toe is a needle. There's a bottle of pills open on the ground, empty.
The fucker—he did it.
My hands tighten at my sides as I witness the love of my life holding her dead brother in her arms.
"Did you know?" she asks in a strangely calm voice.
"Know what?" I ask. Did she somehow figure out he was dying—how he killed himself because of it?
She looks up at me, tears pouring from her eyes and splattering angrily on the floor. "Did you know he was dead?"
"What? No—I would never—"
"You stopped me from coming in here … you distracted me from it … you said he wasn't here." Her sobs make her words barely decipherable. "We had … while he was …"
"Carter, no, I didn't know. I promise. I thought he was gone. I thought—"
"You stopped me, Boone. We could have helped him … saved him …"
I swallow thickly. Maybe I deserve this for not biting the bullet and just telling her the truth about Declan. But how could she think I would take advantage of her if Declan was dead? He's like family to me.
She looks down at Declan's limp body and starts rubbing his head, patting it almost. It's like she's trying to wake him up.
"I hate you for this," she says. I don't know if she's talking to me or Declan. She falls against him, hysteric and clinging to his lifeless body. I start forward, but think better of it. She needs basically anything except for me right now. Instead, I rush outside, puke my guts out, and call Kara.
#
I breathe in Carter, pulling her closer to me. Holding her feels too good and it's going to be hard to let her leave my loft. If I had it my way, she'd spend every night here instead of at Kara's. We haven't been dating long, but I've known and loved her for enough time to know I want her to live with me. Hell, I'd marry her today if I could.
Her face is buried in my side, her head resting on my arm. My other arm is draped over her waist—well, over the covers that are on her waist. She fell asleep about an hour ago and just woke up, complaining about not wanting to leave. I didn't say anything, because the devil is on my shoulder begging me to ask her to stay. Not the best way to gain Kara and Gabe's respect, but I can't help it.
I run my hand through her hair, which is tangled but still soft and smooth. I love that with how close she is, our hair is blended together, blond and brown. How her skin is so pale and soft compared to my scarred and sun-tanned skin. I'm mostly just in love with the way she fits against me—a perfect match.
"I need to admit somethin' to you," I say.
Carter doesn't reply, and for a split second I think she's fallen back asleep. Then she stirs, and I can tell I've worried her. I should've tried to say it differently—better. "What's that?" she asks softly.
"I just, uh, want you to know there hasn't been anyone since you. Barely anyone before that, either."
She sets her chin on my chest to see me. "Are you talking about dating or sex?"
"Both."
Her eyes go wide, and she draws in a quick, surprised breath. I guess she never expected that out of me, though I've never chased anyone's tail except hers. Sure, there were a few girls from back when I wouldn't let myself have Carter, but I wasn't interested in any of them. I guess I thought I could exorcise any thoughts of Carter with other girls, but the second I realized that wouldn't help, I gave up on wanting anyone except for her.
"So you haven't …"
"I haven't done anything with anyone other than myself since you, Carter. Before that it was pretty damn limited. There's not many women who want a guy who's waiting around for another woman."
She tilts her head. "You waited for me?" There's a certain awe to her voice. I would die for if it meant hearing again. I like when I've done something that wows her.
"Well, we both know I didn't … "
"You know what I mean."
"Then, yeah. I, uh, told myself if I love you as much as I do, then I've got to be devoted to you. Gotta practice being the man I want to be before I can be him, you know?"
Her eyes shine as she smiles at me. "Sometimes you say the right things."
"I like how you say sometimes."
"Well, sometimes I worry you might've gotten things from a fortune cookie."
I smirk at her. "Once or twice, maybe."
She reaches up and runs her hand down my shadowed jaw. "There hasn't been anyone for me either—ever. Just you."
"Not even Luke?" I try to sound like I'm joking. I know how she operates and that she'd probably take things slow with Luke since she doesn't know him. They didn't have enough time to get beyond starting anything up. But, hey, guys can be insecure, too.
"I haven't talked to Luke since we caught you in my window. I think he probably realized my heart wasn't in it." She pulls her lip in between her teeth, then lets it out with a pop. Normally I'd find it sexy as hell, but right now I think it means she's unsure. "So there's really been no one?"
"No one," I confirm." I move my chin more into her hand. Her fingers feel too good against my rough skin. "If I'd had it my way, it'd only ever have been you for me." I rub her hip with my hand. "You're the only girl I've ever wanted or thought about. It's been that way my whole life—like no one else exists for me but you."
"I wish I would've known that sooner," she admits in a whisper. "When we were younger, I thought you saw me as a sister. Then when we were older, I thought you just felt sorry for me. I never thought …"
"I never lead you to believe any differently."
She closes her eyes. "That day we made love, you did."
"That was the best day of my life until recently," I tell her. "I was finally getting everything I ever wanted. It was as if I was able to realize why I was put on this earth and that maybe there was something out there worth living for."
She buries her face back in my side, but not before I see the tears gathering in her eyes. "You didn't know about Declan, did you?" she asks.
I'm glad she can't see my face. I didn't know he was dead, but I did know he would be. Someday. I was waiting and so was she, just for different reasons. "No."
"I'm so sorry I blamed you," she says. "I—I didn't know. I just needed someone to blame. Losing him—you two were all I had for so long. I couldn't face it—"
"You shouldn't have been the one to find him, and I should've done more than just call Kara." I wrap my arms more around her and hug her to me. "I promise I didn't know he was in there or else I would've gone in myself. I honestly thought he left. He must've come back when I wasn't payin' attention. It's been one of the hardest things I've had to live with—knowing he was dying or dead and no one was there."
"He never let us be," she says and starts to cry heavy, hard sobs. I don't know what I'm doing until I'm burying my face in her hair and whispering a mixture of I'm sorry and I love you into her ear, crying, too.
I've lived with dad's depression for so long I started overlooking it—started forgetting he was broken because he'd lost my mom. If I had a kid, I like to think I'd be stronger. But here I am, with Carter alive and well, and I'm bawling like a baby. This could be what love's supposed to look like.
You cry as much as you laugh, because you do it together. When you don't have each other, it's like there's nothing left in the world. So you live it up for however long you're honored to.