Chapter Twenty-Six
Jaw clenched, Trig tightened his hands around the steering wheel until his knuckles ached. He hadn’t looked at her since she sat beside him, but the image of her tear-streaked face was burned in his mind. He didn’t want to see it again. Still, he fought the urge to look. He wanted to make it better, wanted to make her better.
He sighed heavily, and then, despite his resolve, he spared a glance in her direction. She sat still like a fucking stone with her oversized purse on her lap. Her face pale, paler than it’d been when she’d been crying.
“Fuck.”
Pulling off on the side of the road, he unfastened her seatbelt and hauled her against him until she was on his lap. Immediately, she wrapped her arms around his neck. He buried his face in her hair and feathered a kiss on her forehead.
He was pissed she hadn’t listened to him, livid she hadn’t told him, offended she hadn’t confided in him. And still, because he was a fucking wuss when it came to her, he held her against him, ignoring how pissed he was because he needed to make her better.
After long moment, she pulled away, those color-changing eyes met his and she whispered, “Thank you, Jace.”
What the fuck she thanked him for he had no fucking clue, but whatever. He waited until she moved to her seat and refastened her seat belt before he drove.
Minutes later, they walked into her house. He sat on her couch and motioned for her to sit on his lap.
She walked to him and sat on his thighs.
Snaking an arm around her waist, he tugged her until her hip pressed against his stomach. “I’m fuckin’ pissed, Allie, real fuckin’ pissed.” He kept his tone low and calm.
“I know,” she whispered.
“You know why?”
“Because I didn’t tell you about the note.”
“Why?”
“I told you. I didn’t want to believe it.”
He shook his head. “Why do you think that pisses me off?”
“Because you want to handle stuff for me?”
“I don’t want to handle shit for you, Allie. I need to handle shit for you ’cause you’re fuckin’ mine. Remember, we had this conversation?”
“If you don’t want to handle it for me, then don’t.”
His arm around her waist tightened, bringing her an inch from his face. “You tryin’ to fuckin’ rile me? You want me to fuckin’ flip?” His voice rose with each word.
“No.”
“Then don’t get fuckin’ smart.”
Her eyes narrowed. “I’m not getting smart. I’m giving you advice. If you don’t want to do something, then you shouldn’t do it.”
Fuck, she could frustrate a saint. “It’s not about what I want, Allie. It’s about what I need. I didn’t want to want you. I wanted to respect your brother and the club by not fuckin’ wanting you, but I didn’t get a choice. So it doesn’t make a difference what I want ’cause with you it isn’t about wanting. It’s about needing. I fuckin’ need you.”
“Well, I’m sorry about that, Jace. I’m really sorry you got stuck needing me.” She pushed at his chest, hard.
He shifted her until she laid flat on her back with him pinning her. His chest against hers, resting most of his weight on his elbows. “Tell me how what I said offended to you, Allie. Fuckin’ explain to me what the fuck goes on in your head, ’cause I think what I said was a compliment, but you aren’t taking it that way, so please explain to me ’cause I’m tired of guessing.”
Her eyes glimmering, she shot back, “Tell me how what you said isn’t offensive, Trigger. In what world do you live in that saying you don’t want me is a compliment? Oh, wait, I shouldn’t be upset because I’m just some woman you’re fucking, some woman no one knows about, who knows nothing about you because you won’t tell me.”
He flinched. He felt like she slapped him, like they were back to that night at the bar. He hated she believed that after all this time. “Never said I didn’t want you, Allie. Never in my fuckin’ life have I said I didn’t want you, never even thought it ’cause I’ve wanted you since the moment I saw you—”
“You just said—”
“I fuckin’ said I didn’t want to want you ’cause you’re Army’s sister, means you’re off limits, Allie. I didn’t want to betray my fuckin’ brother and the club. I served with your brother. We were prospects together. The club’s family. I gotta a fuckin’ home for the first time in my life partly ’cause of that family. I gotta a job that fuckin’ pays well, so I can take care of Della and Tina ’cause of that family. Never fuckin’ said I didn’t want you. Said with you it’s more than what I want ’cause it’s out of my control. I can’t fuckin’ help how much I want you. I want you so much I need you.”
Her eyes widened. Her face changed, looking like something dawned on her.
“You’re not some woman I’m fuckin’. I’m not keeping you in secret for me. I’m doing it for you ’cause I’m not sure I’m what you really want. We been together for a little more than a month. Not three months ago, you were engaged to a dick who beat you, so I’m not sure if I’m just a rebound fuck, a way to rebel, or some other fucked shit like that. It were up to me, I’d sink myself inside you right now, then march over to the compound and announce I’m patching you.”
Then and there, staring into her glimmering eyes, he made the decision, one he could come to regret, but he made it nonetheless. He would tell her everything. He wanted her to know him, all of him, not just pieces. If she ever loved him, then he’d know it was for the good and the bad, not the pieces he’d let her see.
It could backfire and blow up in his face. She’d cringe, shove him away, and ask him to leave. Then he’d never again feel the warmth of her body against his. A risk, but a risk he was willing to take. He would take the risk knowing he would separate himself from the dick ex by simply being honest.
It was all he had because he didn’t deserve her. She deserved a man of her caliber. He knew and felt it in his bones. If his risk backfired, he’d console himself with the knowledge her leaving him was inevitable. Knowing that, wouldn’t change the pain of losing her, but still.
“My dad was a drug addict, did whatever he could get his hands on. My mom was a drunk. I grew up in a trailer. Tina and me. I looked out for her ’cause she’s my little sister and ’cause my dad could get abusive.
“When he left, I didn’t have to worry about that shit, but it meant my mom hit the bottle every day and night, spent all her money on that shit. There were a lot of empty bottles of vodka but no food, so first chance I got, I got a job ’cause Tina needed to eat. After high school, I couldn’t get into college with my grades, didn’t have the money for it anyway, so I joined the Army ’cause more than anything, I needed money. I needed to get Tina out of that trailer, away from our drunk mother. I enlisted for four years, sent Tina money, went home when I could, wrote, and called.
“Tina was turning into a beautiful woman, though mom was still a drunk. When my four years were up, the country was still at war. I reenlisted. Tina said I should. She seemed fine. I figured in another two years, I’d’ve saved enough for a house and some. When I got back, Tina had a five-month-old and was drinking, heavily. She didn’t mention it. Hadn’t seen her for a year, so I had no clue.
“The father was long gone. I did what I could. Sent Tina to rehab, got an apartment, and took care of Della. Knew about the club, had thought about joining for a while. I told Army ‘bout it, and we joined together. I moved Tina and Della into their apartment, bought my house around the time I started as a prospect. About nine months later, Army and I were patched. My mom died a year later. A year after that, finished remodeling my house. Tried to move Della and Tina in, and Tina refused, so I live alone.”
He waited for her to push him away.
Instead she smiled, sadly. Tears welled in her eyes and spilled. “You aren’t a rebound. You are exactly the man I thought you to be,” she whispered, and then she pressed her lips against his, softly, just like the first time.