Chapter Thirteen
“Answer me, Tia. How do you feel about me?” Jake demanded, desperate.
Tia’s face muscles tensed and her eyes flickered as she worked out the question. This was her eleven on the pain scale. He bet she’d rather die than admit she felt anything for him. Jake knew that now, because somehow, his caring meant she was worthless in some twisted way. Her mouth rounded in an O and then she bit her lip. She stopped breathing, her body quaking, every muscle tense. Would she come without permission? He hoped not.
“I won’t ask again. How do you feel about me?”
She released her breath on a whoosh, agony in every line, every pore of her face. “Queen of hearts.”
He closed his eyes. She’d given the correct card. Somehow, victory didn’t taste so sweet. Not knowing what he knew now. “Come for me.”
She shattered around his cock, the spasms so hard around his throbbing shaft he feared she’d strangle his dick. He kissed her bottom lip to keep her from biting it and she wailed. Fuck, it felt good, and he wanted to follow her, but she had to learn a lesson from this. This wasn’t enough.
He held her as she recovered from the pleasure, stroking her hair, murmuring nonsense. She kept her eyes closed tightly as she nuzzled his chest, sighing as she finally lay her cheek against him. It was bliss, having her there, in his arms.
He rose and untied her hands and legs, tossing the homemade spreader bar aside. He rubbed her wrists gently, vowing to massage something soothing into the red marks when he was done.
He hadn’t wanted the questioning to go that way. He had just wanted to find out why blow jobs were a hard limit for her and what had changed. But once the information started to tumble out of her sweet lips, he couldn’t stop himself. Now he was terrified for her.
Somehow, he had to make her rethink ending their relationship Monday. He feared what would happen if she spiraled out of control, because as far as he was concerned, she was one twist shy of plummeting into a black void. He cared too much to let that happen.
He spread her legs, sank home into her sweet pussy, and leaned over, allowing her to absorb his weight. She stared up at him, and he couldn’t name what he saw. Definitely lust, but something else lurked.
“I’m going to make love to you now, as your husband. I’m doing this for my pleasure. My pleasure is that you come with me. But when you come, I want you to remember who gives you the best pain. Me. Only me. Do I give you the best pain?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“Yes, Husband,” she whispered. She’d never sounded more submissive, and it made him tremble just a bit. At the club, he would have just fucked her hard and demanded she not come. How much she’d changed him in just a few days. He had, too.
Jake brushed aside his own torture, his own pain, because he wasn’t done. He had to reach the submissive inside her and scare the shit out of her, because if he didn’t, Tia would leave him and die. He saw the pattern. Chase had been right. Bad, bad idea to bring her here, because before she’d only been twisted. Jake shook his head. Thanks to him, she was royally fucked up.
He wrapped his arms around her, holding her closer, thrusting deeper, wishing like hell she’d just give in. “If you want to feel that level of pain, you come to me. I don’t care if it’s Monday or ten Mondays or a million years from now. I never want to worry about a man hurting you like that again. No rape, no fisting, no blood, no needles, no cutting, no fire, no asphyxia. No edgeplay, period.”
Jake stilled his hips and stared down at her. “Do you understand? You won’t set your own hard limits, so I just did that for you. Nothing that will hurt you physically. If I find out you did that to yourself, I’ll find a way to punish you until you die of old age. I’ll lock you up. I’ll marry you. I’ll make you have my children. Whatever it takes to punish you. Do you understand?”
She looked away. “Jake—”
He grabbed her chin and forced her to meet his gaze. “You. Come. To. Me.” He accentuated each word with a deep thrust, one that hit her clit on the down stroke, just like she liked.
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?” Her pussy spasmed again around his cock, and he knew she was close. Who would have thought him lecturing at her during lovemaking would make her this needy? She’d been in so much pain, and his heart right now ached an eleven on his own scale…for all that she had suffered. She shouldn’t even want sex, never mind be this close to coming, not with her past. Thank God she’d found him. He wanted nothing more than to help her heal.
“Yes, Husband.”
Jake had never felt more lost, more aroused as he whispered, “Come with me.”
****
Jake was still pressed against Tia, his long form heavy between her thighs, across her chest, his arms wrapped tighter than the rope that had held her earlier. She sensed if he could keep her like this forever, he would. The submissive side wanted that. He’d reached her, all right, loud and clear. That part of her would never seek another man to hurt her.
She wasn’t so sure about the tough girl side, though. That side…that side of her was scared just as shitless, because Jake knew way, way too much. He was so close to hitting on what she truly needed from a man. Way, way too close.
“How do you feel? You okay?” Jake whispered against her neck. “I was rough with you.”
Yeah, he was rough—so rough mentally. And that level of pain had been…humiliating. Horrifying. How could he make her go there, make her admit that? But it was also exhilarating, because now she was free from it. She had never shared any of that before, and it was as if he’d released something evil from her soul. Tia had never felt more sated after a scene before. He’d possessed her, dominated her, sang to her masochist side, quelled the submissive. Perfect, he was. So perfect. So close to her darkest fantasy.
“Have you ever had a submissive?” she asked. “As a lifestyle?”
“No. It’s not me. Chase could live like that and did for a bit. I just play Top at the club. You know that, though.” He rolled from her, and she missed his weight. But he arranged her and curled around her back, spooning her close to him. He dropped two kisses to her neck, his breathing even. “I haven’t done a relationship with a woman in a long, long time. I don’t even know where to begin.”
“For someone that doesn’t know where to begin, you seemed to jump right in this weekend.”
“I’m sorry. For all of it. I shouldn’t have brought you here.”
It hurt that he’d regret their time together, a stabbing pain on par with everything she’d felt so far this evening. “Twisted Tia is pretty scary, isn’t she?”
“I don’t scare easily.” He kissed her ear, his fingers lazily stroking a path on her shoulder, then through her hair, his touch soothing. “But I would love to see a Tia that doesn’t need to hurt at that level. I think bringing you here just made that need worse. If you hurt yourself because of me…”
He didn’t deny the fact that she was twisted. That held its own basket of pain, because she didn’t want to be this way. Hadn’t realized she was this fucked up. Maybe he was right to point out how twisted she was, because maybe if she saw the truth, she could learn to love him, too.
She sighed. The softer side of her was always looking for a prince when they all turned out to be frogs. Jake just happened to be one of the finer amphibian specimens.
“I’ll be fine. You don’t need to protect me.” Her mind drifted back to the beginning of their role play, because that had hurt, too. “Can Kate take you?”
“No. Not if I know. She would try to sneak up on me and try to take me down, though.”
“Did she succeed?”
“A few times, yes. I make mistakes, just like everyone else.”
Yeah, and Tia had made more than a few mistakes. The sick part of her wanted to know more, though. Had to know more, because knowing would probably hurt like hell. “Will you tell me about her?”
He stopped stroking her hair. “I thought Kate was a hard limit?”
“I’m trying to make her a soft one. Besides, we’re married. We didn’t agree to hard limits except being obedient and healthy.”
“And wise.” He rolled to his back and pulled her to his chest, probably so he could look at her, because that’s exactly what he did. “And if I’m wise, I’m not supposed to go there.”
“It’s hard not to go there when you toss her in my face.”
He sighed. “I just wanted to make you run. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”
But he had. “I don’t even know what she looks like except she’s blonde. I’ve only seen her from a distance.” It was such a lie, but she wanted to see what he withheld on his phone. She hadn’t had a chance to snoop there.
He picked up his phone from the nightstand, scrolled through, and gave it to her. Blondie’s wedding picture. Kate smiled at the camera, her features perfect, skin glowing, her blonde hair up with tendrils along the side of her face. Her dress was simple cut, the epitome of the little black dress in white. Chase smiled down at her, so happy, proud. Possessive. “She’s beautiful.”
He shrugged. “She’ll be the first to tell you it’s the government’s fault. She had extensive plastic surgery on Uncle Sam’s dime after her plane crash.” Jake looked at her. “You’re just as pretty.”
“May I?”
He shrugged again.
She scrolled along, looking at his photos. One of Jake laughing as he wiped whipped cream from his face, Chase in the background. One of Kate rappelling down one of the buildings on base, looking terrified. A few of the redhead she’d seen him with in Paris, stunningly beautiful in combat wear, armed to the teeth. Her violet-eyed gaze was sharp and she studied the camera with disdain, as if she were pissed as hell to be photographed.
“Who’s the ginger?”
Jake’s chest rumbled. “Funny you call her that, because that’s my name for her. That’s Charlotte. She’s an agent, too, but she’s…more.”
Tia glanced up, disgusted. She’d never be first with him at this rate. “Another one? You collect women like bottle caps.”
He winced. “She was my collateral damage from a mission gone wrong. I take care of what’s mine. But she’s more like my sister. Chase’s, too. We…share her.”
She shook her head. “You seem to share a lot with Chase.”
“Charlotte’s not a sexual share. I promise. You can ask Chase if you want.”
Tia snorted and continued scrolling. Another of Jake and Chase, Jake with a beer, Chase with a can of cola, sitting by a campfire, Jake making rabbit ears behind Chase’s head. Jake in a tux next to Chase—another wedding photo. Jake made formal wear look damned good.
And finally, the photo Kate had taken of Jake bound and gagged, a sheet covering the important parts, his eyebrows raised as he looked at the camera. Kate had to have taken most of those shots, except the rappelling and the wedding photo. It felt weird, holding a phone she had touched. Loving a man she had controlled.
She scrolled back to the wedding photo of Kate and looked at it with growing sadness. He could make her feel such sweet pain. He understood what she needed. Yet he’d always belong to Kate.
“I know, Tia. I know what you found in my drawer and in my bag. I didn’t lie. She didn’t come here with me. She came with Chase, and he proposed. Okay, I did lie a little, because Charlotte has been here, but she’s an exception to the rule. She’s my pseudo-sister. I would never think of sleeping with her.”
Shame flooded her, but she brushed it aside. “The photos?”
“Those were ones she or Chase had given me. They both like to take a lot of pictures, though Chase doesn’t display any of them. I couldn’t deal after my birthday, and I thought if I brought them here, it would make it easier.”
“The garter?”
“Was in my bag. She had tossed it at me at the restaurant, along with her bouquet, and told me I was doomed to marry next. I didn’t consciously remember it was there until I found it on top of my stuff last night.”
“I was a bad snoop.” That embarrassed her.
He shrugged. “The reason why I’m telling you is so Kate doesn’t bring you more pain than you can take. I think you have enough to deal with, and I think you’re very brave and wonderful.” He kissed her, a slow, gentle kiss that sang to parts of her that should have been sated.
She glanced at Kate’s photo again. “What do you think of, when you think of her?”
“What do you mean? Right now I think about your knife between my legs.”
Tia sighed and set the phone on his hard chest. “You must think of something when you think of her. You love her. What is it?”
Jake put the phone back on the night table and gave her a wary glance. “What do you think of, when you think of me?”
That was easy, because she trusted him a bit more now. She’d give him that glance at the real her, the part that wanted to love him so badly, but was hurt so badly by men in the past. “I’ll always think of your ring on my finger and how it felt to be yours, for a weekend.”
The wariness faded to something very sexy. Soft. “I like that.” He shook his head though. “But why ask about her? Why not ask what I think of you?”
“Because sometimes, I look at you and know you’re thinking of her. I want to know what you’re thinking.”
Jake looked puzzled. “I haven’t thought of her all weekend. Not like that.”
“Evading.”
He rolled his eyes, which was funny in a sad way, because it wasn’t normal for him. “What is this going to solve?”
She took a deep breath and let the fragile part of her speak for a change. “You need to share this, because I feel so alone right now, even though you’re here, holding me. Please help me to understand you.”
“I don’t want you to feel alone.” His brow furrowed as he hugged her a little closer. A silent war seemed to wage behind his blue eyes, usually so alive and carefree. Whatever he felt, it had to be something…big.
Her heart caught on a breath, and she kissed any hope she ever had of triumphing over Kate goodbye. The masochist in her, always seeking pain, whispered, “Please. Just tell me.”
“You want to know what I think of when I think of Kate? Fine. I’ll tell you.” He sighed and closed his eyes. “I remember what it felt like to have her die in my arms.”
“What?” Of all the things she had expected, that definitely wasn’t it. And she found herself wanting to know more, despite the jealousy.
“You heard me. It was our first mission, and she’d taken a bullet meant for me. She’d run so far, had lost so much blood. I got her on the chopper, started an IV, stopped what bleeding I could, and then prayed for the first time in a decade. It was the longest five minutes of my life. Because my buddy was going to lose the best thing that had ever happened to him, and I was going to have to be strong enough to pick up the pieces for both of us.”
Tia swallowed back the lump in her throat. She wanted to tell him to stop, because she had expected him to pick something material, like how Kate looked after opening his Christmas present. Even how she looked after he’d made love to her side by side with Chase. Not this. Never this.
“Then the chopper touched down, and she died. She was just…gone. I felt it first, deep inside, like something inside me had died, too. But then the vitals came up as straight lines on the machines, and she was gone.” He closed his eyes and shuddered.
Her heart went out to him. Watching her die from a bullet meant for him… She touched his cheek, and he leaned into her caress, eyes still squeezed shut. “What did you say to Chase? He must have been horrified.”
He shrugged, struggling for control with a twitch of his jaw. “I never told Chase. I couldn’t. That pain would have killed him. He comes across as strong and invincible, but he’s not. Not about Kate. And it had almost killed me before. I couldn’t do that to him.”
Before? What did he mean? She wanted to ask, but Jake moved on.
“That incident put a lot of things into play. Bad things, and I hadn’t even told him. Chase hated me after that, because he was jealous of how close Kate and I had become and thought we were sleeping together behind his back. But eventually he saw the truth, that we were just second cousins who would fuck each other if he joined us. And the funny thing is, he trusts me now, and it’s the stupidest thing he could ever do.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed, and he opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling. “So to answer your question, when I think of Kate, all I can think of is how she died. And how it was my fault. All of this is my fault,” he whispered.
“But she lived. Jake, you saved her life.” Tia stared at him, thinking, realizing she’d hit on something huge. This was why Jake was Jake, the man whore, the player that haunted the club, living the fast life with adrenaline and bad guys. This was it, and there had to be something more to the whole thing, because he had saved Blondie. He should be thrilled. Ecstatic. He’d never admit to it, but he spent his whole life running from something. Tia knew it—she saw herself in him.
Before… He’d said before. That was the key. “Who else died? In your life? Your dad? You never mention him.”
He turned his head to glance at her, shocked. “What?”
She rose on one elbow to look at him better. “Who else in your life has died? Because Kate lived. You should be thrilled. You were a hero. Yet how she died is how you think of her. So why? Who died?”
His brows creased, his jaw worked, and he closed his eyes on the pain she saw flare there, agony so rich, so deep that her own heart echoed it.
“Oh.” His eyes then flew open wide with understanding. A shudder passed through him, shaking her. “Oh, God.”
“Tell me,” she commanded. If he went somewhere that painful, he’d need her to be strong, just has he’d been for her.
“Maria,” he breathed reverently, and his face took on a youthful look, one filled with hope and sadness and pain. Such pain, more than she’d probably ever sought in her life.
“Who is Maria?”
Jake sucked in a deep breath. “She was my first girlfriend. My fiancée.”
“How did she die?”
“Please don’t,” he whispered, his voice graveled. So lost. He gripped her closer, as if afraid. “Don’t make me go there.”
“Did she look like Kate?”
“Maybe a little.” He shrugged, his mind obviously mulling over the question. “More like Kate before she had surgery.”
She understood that association too well. She touched his chest with her palm, spreading her fingers wide, hoping the contact kept him in reality with her. “Were you with her when she died?”
“No.”
“I’m so sorry.” And that was the connection. She pictured him holding a lifeless Kate, subconsciously thinking of his first love, wishing she had lived, too. The image battered her heart like a bad caning, and she shuddered along with him, holding him closer.
He was quiet for a long time, his breathing a little ragged. “I try not to think of Maria.”
“Maybe it’s time to think of her again.”
“Maybe.” He shuddered again. “I just…don’t. It hurts to think of her.”
“More than it hurts to think of Kate?”
He nodded and closed his eyes. He rubbed away a glimmer of moisture, and Tia held him closer, hugged him harder. She understood this pain. He’d made her feel a whole truckload of that pain earlier, but she sensed this was way more than her eleven.
“I couldn’t bear the pain anymore. So I left. Went to college. Became a pilot. Got recruited as an agent before I left the service. I hated the service. And here I am. I can go home to Texas now, but it was hard to do that for a long, long time.”
He sounded so sad, broken. She’d give anything to turn back the clock to take that away. “Oh, Jake. You’ve run from her memory all these years.”
“I guess.”
“Maybe it’s time to stop running. For both of us.”
He shrugged, and she held him. The moon changed locations, sweeping the room, and finally, she felt him give a sigh as he gave in to sleep. She continued to hold him, though.
He’d said true stories weren’t pretty. His was ugly, just as ugly as hers, and that he’d wiped a tear from his eye spoke of no greater truth. Maybe his truth was uglier, because he had been a helpless victim. She’d been an active participant. Though she had to admit, he had more strength than she did. He was still a really nice guy, despite having a horrible first taste of love, while she had turned into a twisted bitch.
Tia closed her eyes and focused on his even breathing, the rise and fall of his strong chest. This, unfortunately, changed things. It made it easier to let him in. This made it easier for all of her to love him, because down deep he was maybe just a little twisted, too. God help her, she didn’t want to love him.
And as she drifted off, she realized all she wanted was to love him.
****
The next morning Jake woke at dawn, sliding out of bed carefully so as not to wake Tia. Now he understood how she must have felt after telling him about her past—vulnerable, sad. Less than human. She had been braver than he, though. She’d made love to him under his tree and then suffered through wedding vows. She’d held up under his interrogation like a true spy, so brave until she broke, and he sensed she’d never break like that under a real interrogation.
Jake glanced at her, tranquil and beautiful as she slept. He wasn’t brave, which was why he was sneaking out, so he could be alone. Find his balls again.
He grabbed clothes, pulled them on in the kitchen, and scribbled a hasty note. Gone riding. J. Then he went to the barn, saddled Tonka, and headed out in the morning mist.
He didn’t have a clue where he was going, so he let Tonka have his head, the horse deciding which path. The gelding chose the trail that went out to the lake, and Jake clucked to him, urging him to something faster than a meander. Before he knew it, they were galloping, branches whipping at his face, cobwebs in his mouth.
Then the path got a little rocky, so Jake did the responsible thing and told the gelding to stop. They walked, both of them breathing hard, Jake’s mind on nothing, everything, then he thought of Tia, and all he wanted to do was run again if the gelding was able. But Tonka wasn’t, so he forced his mind to slow down, too.
They reached the lake. Jake checked Tonka—he was cool now, his breathing normal. Jake dismounted, unbridled the horse and tied him to a tree with the halter and lead rope he’d brought. He sank down next to a tree to stare out at the water. The sun had just risen and fish were jumping, eager for mosquito breakfast. Jake swatted at a few and then gave up—the pain was worth the solitude.
A noise of rustling brush sounded behind him and he turned his head. Tia stood twenty feet away on the bank of the lake, Jessa’s reins in her hands, unsure as she stared at him. “I hope it’s okay that I followed you. You didn’t look so good this morning.”
Jake wanted to be pissed. Wanted to yell, scream, something, but felt nothing. “You’re fine.” He assessed Jessa. “You rode bareback?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t haul ass up the hill like you did.” Tia brushed the hair from her eyes, her ponytail askew. She led Jessa next to Tonka, secured her, and returned to sit beside him. “Why don’t you tell me about Maria, Jake? You loved her. Why does it hurt so much?”
Just like a woman to bring up emotions and feelings. He hated them. Would rather be numb. “It’s stupid to revisit the past when I can’t change it.”
“I think it’s more stupid for you to not go there. You’ve run from this memory since you were eighteen. It’s kept you from having any sense of a normal life, which is why, despite the wild ways and adventurous job, you still come home, here, to your asinine rules and horses. She drives you here. So tell me about her.”
Tia was right, and he hated that. Why were the women in his life always right? “Guys don’t do this whole feelings thing well.”
“Then don’t tell me how you feel. Tell me what happened.”
Jake closed his eyes reached for Tia, needing to feel her as he travelled back in time, to the ranch, to a simpler era. “Maria lived on the ranch next door. Her family and my family were good friends, and we spent a lot of time together—picnics, roundups, holidays. I loved picking on her. She was so cute and spunky and would stuff frogs in my shoes. She’d steal my bridle if we rode out and stopped somewhere, so I’d have to figure out a way to get my horse home.
“And then we turned fifteen and suddenly, she went from being a stick figure with frogs to this gorgeous creature with breasts and hips. We first kissed behind the barn and, a few months later, I was looking to my older brothers for advice. She was more than ready to take our relationship to the next level.
“But my brothers rode my ass, and the only advice they’d give was don’t get her pregnant. I had two older brothers ready to pound me if I did, and two younger that would just pound on me for the fun of it. I was scared shitless, but she knew what she wanted and, for my sixteenth birthday, Maria was my gift.” Jake paused, swallowing, remembering that birthday. Kate had given herself on his birthday, too. But it had been different. So different.
“Sixteen was awesome. I had Jessa, I had Maria, I had the ranch and the whole world in front of me. I fell head over heels and knew I was going to marry her. I gave her a ring at seventeen, and she said yes. My parents weren’t too thrilled, but they saw what we had and knew it wasn’t something that would go away with time. I loved her. Hardcore, with every inch of my soul. We were going to get married, I was going to help my family run the ranch, and it was going to be perfect.”
Tia hugged him closer, her arms warm around him. “What happened?”
The pain was a sweet ache, deep in his heart. “She got sick. Leukemia, the worst kind a girl could have. And suddenly she lived in the hospital and she was bald—so beautifully bald—and my bone marrow didn’t match. Nothing I had matched. I was useless to her, to keep her alive.
“And one day, she died. I was heading over to the hospital. We were making plans. The adults said we could get married, because that was what she had wanted. As far as I was concerned, she was already my wife. I had married her when she took my engagement ring. When I got there, she had passed, but they let me see her—hold her.”
He stared at his hands. They’d held Maria. They’d once been bathed in Kate’s blood. But he knew for certain that he now wanted them clean. For Tia. “At least when Kate died, I could do something. I kept her alive. But Maria…I just held her.”
“How old were you when she died?”
“I had just turned eighteen. She was a couple months older.” He felt so far from the boy he’d been at eighteen. Jaded. Hard. Definitely old. “So I helped to buried her and ran as fast as I could to college, because she wanted me to go. But that was all I did as an adult that she would have approved of.” He didn’t even want to think what Maria would think of what he’d done to Tia.
“I don’t know about that. You’re a good man, Jake. But deep down inside, I think you’re still eighteen.”
He looked at her sharply. Her face was stained with tears she’d shed for him, and that touched him more than he wanted to admit. “Are you saying I need to grow up?”
“I’m saying you hurt more than you realize.” Tia kissed his cheek. “You want me to ride back with you, or do you want some time alone?”
“Will you stay here with me? I just want to sit. I don’t want to talk anymore.”
“I’ll stay as long as you need.”
Jake sat, letting Tia hold him, and wondered what the hell had become of his life. He was crazy. He’d made this beautiful woman indulge in a wedding fantasy that made no sense to him. He’d pushed her, made her say vows, took her to his bed like it was their first time together. It shouldn’t have felt right, given his past. It should have been something so wrong it sent him running for the hills.
But he swallowed hard as he remembered what it felt like to be with Maria, when she had lived. It had been wholesome. Good. Healing. It felt suspiciously like what he had with Tia.
Because…he loved Tia.
Jesus. Knowledge smacked him dead-on in the chest, and his head seemed to spin from the concussion. He loved her, had probably started falling for her at the club, which was why he had been exclusive the moment he’d met her. Except for that one time with Chase and Kate.
But he didn’t love Kate. Only Tia. Kate had been right, as usual. Jake loved what Kate gave his buddy, and maybe he was jealous of how happy she made Chase, and had hoped by loving Kate, he’d get a part of that, too.
But Tia… He’d been drawn to her from the first moment he saw her across the crowded club and had only wanted her more since the moment she knelt in front of him. He’d thought before of asking her on a date after, to see what she’d be like out of bed, but a part of him had pushed it aside. But the thoughts had been there, images of her on his arm, doing things together, laughing together. He’d spent many weekends with her in his private room at the club, her cuddled against him, and more than once, he’d wondered what it would be like to take her home, to his bed.
Maybe he’d been scared, because he loved her, even then. Jake knew down deep he was a foolish romantic. He wanted everyone else to be in love but denied himself the luxury. That’s why he had wanted wedding sex, wanted a fake wedding, felt like something would die when she threatened to become nothing to him on Monday. He loved her. It still made no sense, but if he took his feelings for Kate out of the equation, it at least made him feel less insane.
He loved Sarah Tia Richards Anderson with all of his heart, had started loving her at the club, had finished falling here on his farm. And man, did that fall hurt.
Jake jumped a little next to Tia, as if startled. He’d sat so still for the longest time Tia wondered if he’d fallen asleep, even though his eyes were wide open, staring out at the lake. She grabbed his arm. “Jake? You okay?”
“I think so.” He looked at her, confused. “I’m ready to go back now.”
“Okay.” They rose, and he pulled her close, embracing her for a long moment. After what he’d told her, she welcomed his contact, his strong arms. She’d wanted to do more than sit curled against him, with her hand on his thigh, but she had sensed that was enough, so she’d settled for that.
“I’m so sorry, Jake,” she said against his chest. “I wish things could have been different for you then. I’d go back in time to make it work out for you if I could.”
She looked up, and he gazed at her with wonder. “After the weekend we’ve shared this far, all of the pain and joy, you’d give that up for me? So I could have Maria again?”
“Of course. Isn’t that what friends do?” She’d give him whatever he needed to be happy. She loved him.
She blinked and her shoulders sagged. It was true. Why else would she put up with wedding sex and a stupid possessed house with insane rules? Why else would her heart feel like he’d wrapped it in bondage tape whenever he looked into her eyes and made love to her? Why else would the thought of Monday make the tape around her heart constrict even more?
Love was bad. Way bad. It meant come Monday her heart would suffocate, because there was no way the tape was coming off. He’d bound her too tight. Her heart was now his, like it or not. And she just didn’t see how loving him would work.
He ran a finger down her cheek, tracing a path one of her many tears had taken. “This is going to sound absurd after what I just told you, but I need to make love to you. Here. Now. Unfortunately, a little on the quick side or we’ll be eaten by mosquitoes. Okay?”
She nodded, shyness bursting upward. It didn’t sound absurd to her. It made sense. He’d opened his soul, and he hurt. He needed to absolve that pain. She did it all the time. She’d help him, because she loved him.
He kissed her slowly, his lips firm yet soft, his tongue exploring, tangling, and dancing with hers. A sweet, fierce kiss that made her cling to his shoulders, longing for the contact of his skin, his hands. They undressed each other, her fingers fumbling with his buttons, his more sure with hers. He broke the kiss, spread their clothes on the ground and gently drew her down with him.
He paused to brush the hair from her face, cupping her chin, and she was reminded of the first time he kissed her under his tree. So gentle, as if he had all the time in the world to savor her despite the mosquitoes. He gave her the smallest smile, one that lit his eyes and tugged at her tummy, one that hinted he wasn’t caught up with ghosts of the past. He was right here, making love to her.
Jake kissed her again, this time with more heat, his lips pressing harder, his tongue deeper, more demanding, igniting the flame of lust that always seemed to slow burn for him. His hands caressed her aching, heavy breasts, thumbing her pebbled nipples.
Wetness pooled in her pussy, the need fueled by the throbbing of his length against her inner thigh. He slid his hand over her mound, easing between her outer lips, delving into her tight heat, testing her readiness. He must have been pleased because he growled, a sound so sexy her breath caught in her throat.
Tia inched under him, wanting his cock inside her in the worst way, not because she craved the release of orgasm, but because she needed him, his arms around her, every inch of his skin pressed to hers. She sighed when he settled between her thighs and sank home.
“Yes,” she whispered, arching upward, drawing him deeper into her pussy. He lowered his weight to cover her fully, arms wrapped around her shoulders, his chest hair rough against her sensitive nipples, the friction divine. His breathing matched hers, fast, ragged as he increased the tempo of his hips, thrusting harder, faster. She spread her legs wider, trying to get him deeper, her fingers biting into the firm flesh of his tight ass.
He came in a jet of molten heat inside her, fierce and sweet, just like the moan of satisfaction in her ear. If he hadn’t been in love with Blondie, she would have sworn he loved her, because it felt like what romantic songs heralded—the fusing of souls, the joining of hearts. He held her tightly, his hips still rocking, his pubic bone grinding into her clit, giving her the stimulation she needed to come, too.
“Come for me, Tia. I need you to come for me.” It wasn’t a command but a plea, one that tugged at every string that ever held her heart in place. And as if to be sure, he eased a hand between them and fingered her clit, beckoning to the sweet pleasure that shyly lurked. “Relax, baby, and just let it happen.”
Relax. She sighed and opened her mind tentatively, allowing that shy part of her the freedom to enjoy his touch. He kissed her, sucking her tongue, as if drawing that shy part out further, not allowing her respite. She moaned into his mouth and let the joyous waves of her climax wash over her, the pleasure as sweetly fierce as his lovemaking. He gave a gentle laugh against her lips, and for once, she relished his smugness.
“Thank you,” he whispered, kissing her again, smoothing the damp hair from her face. “I want to be here all day with you, like this, but my ass is going to be red with welts and your backside sore from all these rocks. Let’s go home.”
Home. For today, it was her home, too. They dressed and he leaned over to kiss her lips in between each piece of clothing, as if he couldn’t keep his hands or mouth from hers. So fitting and sweet—she felt the same way.
But a part of her died a little as they finished up. She loved him. She didn’t know if his revelation changed anything on his side, but of course, that sappy side of her hoped so. That sappy side felt as if she’d offered her heart during that last orgasm. A heart bound in black tape, on a silver platter, his to destroy, or his to keep and to cherish. It still wasn’t true submission, but it was close. So close, and she feared that because once he owned her heart, the submission would come next. And then he’d change.
The sappy, fragile part of her hoped he’d cherish her heart, and everything would work out, the fairy tale ending to Tia’s very dark story.
But the tough girl in Tia cried in agony, because she knew men. Knew men like Jake. It was just a matter of time before he destroyed her.