***Adriane***
A knock at the door.
I blinked. My eyes were so dry that I had to force my eyelids to move up and down. Then I stood from the sofa and went over to the door. It was probably Hanna offering a snack or something. I’d forced down as much as I could at dinner, but it didn’t seem to be enough for her liking.
I opened the door.
Alec.
I fought to lurch a smile into place. It didn’t work. I hadn’t anticipated seeing him tonight, possibly not much in the future at all.
“Good evening,” he said.
“Hi.” My smile still wouldn’t heft into place.
“May I talk with you for a few minutes?”
I hesitated. Why would he want to talk? He’d made himself pretty clear already, and I’d done everything I could to show him I was all right, that he could move on.
His voice was gentle. “Please, Adriane.”
“Why do you always say ‘please’?”
He said nothing.
I tried to smile a little—it hurt my face. “Always polite, even when you’re kidnapping people. You know, you’re an interesting guy.”
“I realize my habits are unusual.”
Quiet.
My smile was too heavy, hurt too much. It slipped, but I kept my expression from turning dead.
“May I please come in for a few minutes?” he asked.
I stepped back to let him into the room.
As he walked past me, his slight musky scent made breathing difficult.
I closed the door and focused on how to behave—I’d done amazingly well with it this morning. Then I thought maybe I shouldn’t close the door, but it would look stupid to open it back up.
I turned to face him. He was standing several feet away, posture perfectly straight, and quietly looking at me. “What can I do for you, Alec?”
He motioned toward the sofa. “Would you mind sitting with me?”
His formality felt like a stab in the chest.
“Sure.” I walked around him to the sofa. He waited until I was seated before taking the armchair.
I waited for him to talk.
“Hanna told me you’ve been up here all day,” he said.
The muscles in my neck tightened. I struggled to sound casual. “Sometimes I get lost in whatever book I’m reading, and I’m not very good company.”
“You like certain books in particular,” he said. “Which was it today?”
I searched my mind for the title of a book, any book. Blurry words swirled through my head.
He took a breath and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees.
Still leaned forward, he looked up, met my gaze. “I think we need to talk about last night.”
“Why? It just didn’t work out.”
“You’re a much better liar than I’d have ever guessed.”
I said nothing.
“Perhaps you simply require a sufficient reason to lie,” he said.
I couldn’t think of anything to say, a way to get out of this. To stop him from realizing his rejection felt like decay creeping through my veins.
“For you,” he said, “I’m certain ego is not sufficient cause. I’ve never seen you concern yourself with what others thought of you. But then, I suspect you simply assumed they never noticed you enough to develop opinions. I respect your selflessness.”
Maybe someday his respect would be enough for me.
He kept looking at me with that gaze that made me feel naked.
I stood and moved toward the cold, blackened fireplace.
“But I suppose,” he said, “I don’t really care why you lied, as interesting a question as that may be.” His voice lowered. “What I really care about is whether you’re upset about what happened last night.”
I remained turned away from him, staring into the pit of the fireplace. “It just didn’t work out. It happens all the time.”
“Not with me.”
So, he’d never rejected anyone else, only me. I closed my eyes.
Fabric rustled as he stood from the chair. Then his quiet footsteps moving closer.
His hand touched my arm.
I pulled away.
“Adriane,” he murmured, “the other night you said…”
“Please, Alec. Please go away.”
“The other night, did you mean it?”
A long pause.
Finally, I nodded, still turned away from him.
He took a slow breath, and then his voice was even quieter. “I don’t know the right thing to do. It used to seem so simple, not easy, but simple.”
A tear slipped down my cheek. I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut.
His hands rested on my upper arms, and I felt his warmth against my back. I couldn’t move.
His lips were at my ear. “I love you, Adriane.” His hands on my arms tightened. “I can’t withhold that from you, can’t let you hurt if I have a hope of stopping it.”
I took a step and turned to face him. “Just leave it be, Alec. It’s not going to kill me if you don’t want me.”
He paused. Then he shifted closer.
His hand rested on my cheek, and his thumb wiped my tear away. “I wanted you so much, Adriane. It was physically painful how much I wanted you.”
My expression hardened. “Don’t lie to me. I’m not some breakable china doll.”
“You’re not breakable—you don’t let anyone see how strong you really are.” His thumb brushed along my skin. “But you look like a china doll. Lovely, delicate. My God,” he murmured, “I’ve never seen a woman as beautiful as you.”
“You don’t make any sense.”
“I’m so sorry. I know I can’t atone for this, but I can’t let you think it has anything to do with you.”
“Alec,” I demanded.
He paused. “I know you, how good a person you are. I know you’ve never been with a man.” He lifted his chin. “I won’t take that from you.”
I pushed his hand away. “Stop talking in riddles,” I said. “I was obviously willing to give it—it’s my choice.” And why in the world did he feel so certain I was a virgin?
His gaze slipped away from me to the cold fireplace. Then he met my gaze again. “You always do everything right, in the right order. I knew you would regret being with me.”
Something in my stomach twisted.
“I just have to make sure you understand,” he said. “I couldn’t let you hurt. I would rather you hate me.”
My voice barely made sound. “I don’t know how to hate you.”
“Maybe you should.”
“You don’t make any sense.”
“I do,” he said. “I promise I do. You just don’t—”
“I’m not an idiot.”
“That’s not what I meant. I just…”
“It’s all right.” I shifted to walk away from him.
He held my hand. “Just let me explain. If you still want me to go away, I will. I’ll leave you alone.”
“I don’t know if you really know how to explain.”
“I’ve shared more with you than anyone I’ve ever known.”
I stopped trying to pull away.
He took a breath. “You’re pure,” he said as he touched my cheek. “I’ve thought about what it would be like so many times, but I won’t do that to you.”
“Do what to me?”
“Hurt you like that.”
“But I told you how I feel.”
“I know,” he said, “but that doesn’t make it right.”
“You’re not doing a very good job of explaining.”
“You’re a good person,” he said. “And we’re not married. I know that would bother you. I couldn’t handle it if you regretted being with me.”
I paused to read him. “That’s not all of it.”
His jaw tightened. “The rest you don’t need to worry about.”
My voice was calm. “Something personal.”
“Yes.”
I hesitated then nodded. Maybe an ex-lover he still cared about or something like that, something I didn’t want to hear about.
“Thank you,” he said.
I tried for a lightened tone, to move on to something else. “As long as you don’t keep an insane wife in the attic.”
The corner of his mouth twitched. “I’m not Mr. Rochester. No wife, I promise.”
“Why’re you reading that book anyway? It’s not a guy kind of book.”
“I was curious why you like it so much.”
I shrugged. “I guess I can kind of identify with Jane. Simple girl, no family.”
He nodded once. Then his gaze shifted.
“So, um,” I said, “physically painful?”
He turned back to me.
“You said it was physically painful.”
He smirked. “Leave it to you to remember every word I said.”
I crossed my arms.
The corner of his mouth twitched. “It’s a guy thing. I’ll be fine.”
I kept my arms crossed.
He glanced down then back up, eyebrow raised.
My arms fell to my sides. “It hurts?”
“Only when I’m very, uh, stimulated and don’t have sex.”
“Oh.”
“You know, you’re cute as hell when you blush.” He touched my cheek. “And warm, too.”
I gave him an annoyed look, and finally, he smiled a little.
“So, um,” I said, “can I ask you something personal?”
“More personal than the pain in my scrotum?”
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want.”
“Now I’m scared.” Then he added, “You can ask anything you want.”
“I was just curious how many women you’ve…dated.”
His smile faded.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “That’s probably not something I should ask.”
His voice was quiet, tense. “After what I’ve done to you, it’s a fair question.” He squeezed my hand. “For whatever reason, people seem to assume I sleep around. I suppose, if I wanted to, I could.”
I tilted my head to catch his line of sight.
He met my gaze. “I’ve never been with anyone.”
“But…they must throw themselves at you.”
“That doesn’t mean I want them.”
“But I thought guys—”
“Are all indiscriminating about who they sleep with?”
“That’s not what I meant.” It didn’t make any sense. I’d figured he’d be selective, but to have never been with anyone?
“If I can turn you down, I must have the self-control of a fucking monk.” He looked past me toward the window. “I told you I would leave,” he said, “if you wanted me to.”
I reached over and took his other hand. “Stay.”
He looked at me.
“You need to relax,” I said. “You need rest.”
“I wish I could.”
I tugged on his hand. He followed. I helped him remove his jacket then laid it across the end of the bed. We sat together, and I pushed at his chest to get him to lie down. He obeyed.
“This is a start,” I said.
He tilted his head and touched my hair as it fell across my shoulder. “Très belle.”
I lay down across his chest, hid my expression. He could call me beautiful—I’d looked that up—all he wanted, but he still didn’t make much sense. He said he wanted me so much but stopped, when I was obviously willing to keep going? But he also seemed truly concerned that he’d hurt me. And what about what he told Hanna about not being attracted?
His gentle, cool fingertips brushed across my neck then combed through the length of my hair.
I took a breath and let it all go for now, just enjoyed his attention. I had the feeling this delicate balance we had was going to explode soon enough.
I lay across his chest and stomach all night. His hand was still pulling through my hair when I woke.
Still not fully awake, I shifted and stretched my arm. My hand brushed something.
Then I realized it was his zipper, the front of his pants.
I pulled my hand back and lifted my head. “Sorry.”
“It’s all right. You can rest a few more minutes if you want.”
I laid my head back down on his stomach and let my eyes droop. Then I noticed the front of his pants, the bulge. His breathing wasn’t as slow and calm as it had been.
I lifted my head and draped my fingernails across his lower stomach. I felt the tightened rippling of his stomach through his thin shirt.
My hand drifted lower, and I brushed my fingers over the bulge. He…pulsed, and his exhale shook.
He hooked an arm around my waist and jerked me back. My head landed on the pillow.
I giggled.
He climbed over me. “Behave, you.”
I lifted my chin in defiance.
He leaned closer, and his voice lowered. “Or I’ll take your virginity. I’ll make love to you.” He kissed my neck. “Over. And over.” He brushed his lips against mine. “And over. A long night. Hot skin.” He kissed me again lightly.
I reached for more.
His lips only brushed mine. “My skin against yours. Gentle, slow movement.”
My arms snaked around him, and I held him to me with my thighs at his hips.
Lips still barely touching mine, his tongue slipped into my mouth and slid against mine. “I can almost feel it, how tight you would be, how wet.” He lifted his head a few inches and met my gaze. “Are you wet for me, my love?”
I couldn’t breathe.
Then he cocked his head, and the corner of his mouth curved. “What is that they say about fair play?”
I closed my eyes and swallowed. I still couldn’t breathe.
“Adriane?” he said. “Are you all right?”
I managed to nod.
He rested his hand on my cheek. “I’m sorry, Adriane. I was just teasing. I didn’t think…”
I swallowed again. “I’m all right.”
“I’m sorry.”
I opened my eyes. “I just…I’ve never felt like this before. I’m sure I’ll get better at handling it.”
Hand still on my cheek, he brushed his thumb along my cheekbone. “I promise I won’t do that again.”
I nodded. I knew his promise was supposed to be comforting. It wasn’t.
A knock.
He glanced at the door and back to me. “You’re sure you’re all right?”
I nodded.
Another knock.
He sighed. “I had better get that.”
“It’s probably for you anyway.”
He rolled out of bed.
I slipped off the sheets, and my feet padded against the wood floor. “I’m going to brush my teeth.”
With the bathroom door open only a crack, I stood in front of the mirror. My skin was flushed. I ran cold water over my hands and slid them across my neck and up onto my cheeks.
The click of the bedroom door latch. Then Alec’s clipped voice. “Yes.”
“Sorry, sir. That place you wanted us to be this morning, I’m not real sure… Was it left at Providence?”
I turned off the faucet. Providence—that was my street.