Chapter Seventeen
Since she didn’t have anyone or anything to fly anywhere, B.J. planned on going to her house the next day to pack up the rest of her things she hadn’t already moved to Grady’s place. But Jo Ellen called before she’d even left the house, asking if she wanted to go shopping for baby necessities.
Not particularly enthused about the idea of packing, B.J. agreed and drove to Grady’s sister’s house instead. From there, they trekked nearly an hour to the closest mall. By the time they stepped inside the baby outlet, she decided packing might not have been such a terrible idea after all.
“Holy hell,” she breathed, stopping in the entrance to gawk at the rows and rows of infant paraphernalia. “Do I really need all this crap?”
Jo Ellen merely hooked their arms together and urged her into the store. “Let’s start at this end.”
To B.J.’s horror, they went through the entire place, stopping in every freaking aisle. Jo Ellen tried to teach her the art of comparative and bargain shopping, but it didn’t take. She had to admit, though, the newborn bootie sneakers Jo Ellen discovered were adorable. Unlike Grady’s sister, however, she was able to contain her oohing and awing, even if she did snag two pairs and shove them into her shopping cart. The only item to provoke an actual response from her was a bib exclaiming I love my Daddy. Jo Ellen merely sent her a knowing smile and tossed it into the cart as well.
By seven o’clock that evening, she was dead tired. Her muscles ached in places she didn’t know she had muscles, and her ankles were swollen as far as the skin would stretch. Feeling giddy, though, she realized the expectant Mommy bug had finally bitten. She started thinking about the baby to come.
Would it be a boy or a girl? Would it look more like her or Grady? Grady, she hoped.
Though Jo Ellen had successfully instilled her with excitement for a future of parenthood, she was still ready to drop into the nearest bed when she pulled into Grady’s drive at a quarter to eight. She frowned when she realized damn near every light in the house was glowing.
Her new husband opened the front door before she had her truck parked.“Where have you been?” he growled as soon as she jumped out of the driver’s seat. “I came home early to help you move, but—”
“Just a sec,” she said, shoving two shopping bags at him and bulldozing past. “I gotta pee like a racehorse.”
He fumbled to catch everything and could only sputter as she sprinted inside.
When she exited, he was waiting by the door.
“You went shopping?”
“Yeah,” she gave the breathless reply, still winded from her dash to the john. “Jo Ellen called this morning and talked me into going. I didn’t want to be rude, so I said okay. Plus, she convinced me I needed to start getting ready for this kid now.”
“Jo Ellen?” he nearly yelled the name.
B.J. frowned. “Yes, Jo Ellen,” she repeated. “You know...your sister?”
His jaw dropped as he stared at her. Then he exploded. “Jesus Christ, B.J.! I’ve been going out of my mind with worry, and you were with my sister?”
She straightened. “You were worried? Why?”
He made a disbelieving sound. “Why do you think? I had no idea where you were. You weren’t here. You weren’t at your place. I called the hangar, and they hadn’t seen you all day. For all I knew, you could’ve passed out again while you were driving and been lying dead in some ditch.”
Taking a moment to swipe a harassed hand through his hair, he muttered, “Damn it, B.J.” His voice broke in the middle of saying her name. “I even called the hospitals to make sure you weren’t there.”
She sucked in a breath. God, he was really upset. Feeling instantly horrible, she started to apologize.
“I...I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you’d be so concerned. I didn’t even think to tell you about my change in plans.”
“Well, it’s a common courtesy to let your husband know where you’re going to be,” he snapped.
Her back going rigid at his tone, she sniffed. “Well, excuse me, Mr. McPerfect. But I’ve never been married before. And it’s been a long damn time since I’ve been accountable to anyone for anything.”
Grady linked all ten fingers together and rested them on the back of his head as he stared up the ceiling and appeared to be silently counting to ten. When he was done, he blew out a breath and calmly said, “All right. But next time, could you please just...leave a note, call my cell phone, do something to tell me what your plans are so I won’t worry?”
B.J. gave a jerky nod, lowering her face so he wouldn’t see the red tinge of humiliation on her cheeks.
“Thank you,” he gritted out.
She shifted uncomfortably, and Grady shoved his hands into his pockets. After sending her a brief nod, he pivoted on his heels and strode away.
She stayed there a moment and pulled herself back together. She should be delighted he cared enough to worry. But all she felt was a hollow loss. He’d been married before. He was a pro at this husband-wife thing. It was natural for him to expect her to just slip into place as the patient, obedient wife...as another Amy. But she couldn’t do that. It went against her chemical make-up to be anyone but herself.
She’d never wanted to take Amy’s place. She felt like she was breaking some sacred rule, intruding somewhere she had no place being. He’d always be Amy’s husband in her mind, and she didn’t think anything could ever change that.
Feeling an unwanted emotion rise in her throat, B.J. hissed out a curse and curled her hands into fists until the pain of her nails digging into her palms wiped away the urge to cry. Once she had herself under control, she checked to make sure her ponytail was still on tight, and then she proceeded to carry the rest of her purchases inside.
Once done, she started to tote them up to the second floor. Frowning down the hall at all the closed doors, she opened the first she came across, merely looking for a place to store her purchases. She didn’t realize she was looking for a place to start a nursery until she opened the door and found herself in an empty room with walls painted a pastel yellow and boarded with pink and pale blue letter blocks.
“Oh,” she whispered in shock.
Stumbling in reverse to flee the room intended for Amy’s baby, she turned and jerked to a stop when she found Grady poised at the top of the stairs, watching her.
“I…” she said. Feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of her, she lowered her head and tried to pull in a breath of air. “I was just looking for someplace to put this stuff.”
****
It was on the tip of Grady’s tongue to apologize. B.J. looked like she’d just seen a ghost when she’d jerked herself out of Bennett’s nursery. He should’ve showed her the entire house yesterday...should’ve opened all the doors, should’ve painted over the damn walls.
“You…” He paused and licked his suddenly dry lips. “You can put them in there if you want.”
The violent way in which she shook her head made him feel even worse. He was such an idiot. Of course, she didn’t want to put her baby’s things in another’s baby’s room, a baby who hadn’t even made it to a full day old. Bad karma.
Clearing his throat, he said, “The next door down is a guest room.” Had always been a guest room.
Still not meeting his eyes, she nodded and started to turn away. But at the last second, she stopped and came back around, looking at him with an expression that nearly rent him in two. He’d never seen the tough tomboy B.J. Gilmore look so miserable before.
“Believe it or not, Slim”—her voice was shaky, a fact that bowled him over—“I still think this whole marriage thing was a stupid idea, but I don’t want it to be a disaster. I don’t want to fail as a wife. But you know what? I’m never going to be what your parents—what your dad—wants for you. I’m never going to wear a dress or paint my nails...or care what color the freaking curtains are. I’m never going to be Amy.”
That last comment caught him by surprise. He stared at her in shock, and she stared back as if surprised those words had come out of her as well. She even opened her mouth like she was going to apologize.
Not wanting her to feel bad about saying what she’d needed to say, yet wondering where in the hell that little speech had come from, he said, “I never expected you to be.”
B.J. stared back, and he thought she was going to cry for a moment. So he cleared his throat and added, “My father doesn’t hate you either. He’s just worried about me right now. And I don’t...no one thinks you need to change just because you’re married. I actually…”
He cleared his throat again and glanced away. He wanted to tell her more, like he appreciated who she was. He was glad he was with her and even excited about their baby. But it felt too soon to go that deep.
Before he could change his mind, he mumbled out a brief, “You’re fine just the way you are,” and turned away, jogging back down the stairs. When he reached the kitchen, he paced from the refrigerator to the stove to the sink and then back to all three in restless anxiety.
This was his fault. He shouldn’t have made her feel like an outsider or left that stupid wedding album out. He’d messed up bad.
Of course this place was going to remind her of Amy every time she turned a corner. He should’ve gone to live with her at her house.
Running his hand through his already mussed hair, he wondered if he should go ahead and offer. He could live at her place if he had to. Or hell, maybe he should just build them a new house, free from any kind of past or troubling memory.
Growling out a sound of frustration, he turned again to march toward the refrigerator when he focused in on the telephone hanging on the wall. Falling to a stop, he realized he’d never erased the message with Amy’s voice on it. Letting out a groan, he gritted back a shard of sharp pain in his gut.
Swallowing, he numbly moved to the phone, slowing with each step until he was there. His fingers came up, and they hovered over the delete button, debating. If he pushed it, he’d never hear Amy again.
Above him, he heard a muffled thump—B.J. flopping a bag of baby things on the guest room floor, no doubt. Grady stared up at the ceiling.
If he didn’t push the button, what would she think? Realizing he wouldn’t be able to move on and start his future until he let go of the past, he punched the button and gasped out a breath as he did so.
His heart pounded against his chest, and his finger stayed glued to the delete button for seconds after he knew the message was already gone. Letting out a shaky laugh, he pulled away and stared at the phone as if he expected it to exact some kind of revenge for his actions.
“I’ll always love you,” he whispered, hoping somewhere up there, Amy heard him. “No matter what.”
Feeling a strange relief, like he’d just freed a caged dog and was watching it enjoy all the wide open space, he blew out a breath. Lifting his face toward the ceiling again, he smiled slightly and started for the stairs.
The door to the guest room was still open, and he could hear her moving around inside. Grady approached quietly. He stopped just before entering and peeked around the corner. She sat on the bed, holding up the tiniest pair of high top sneakers he’d ever seen. It was the awed smile on her face that caught him right in the chest though.
More than anything, he wanted to go inside, sit next to her and see all the things she and Jo Ellen had picked out. But she looked so happy, doused in her private thoughts, he felt himself stepping back instead. Since she was upset with him, he didn’t want to ruin such a special moment for her.
He retreated to their bedroom, stripped to his boxers, and crawled into bed. After shutting off the light, he lay there, wondering how the hell he was going to deal with this.
****
When B.J. went to bed, Grady was already lying under the covers on his side of the mattress with his eyes closed. She swore he was faking it. But she didn’t want another confrontation just then, so she quietly slipped into an oversized T-shirt and eased onto the mattress beside him. He didn’t stir.
It took her a long time to fall asleep. And when she did, she dreamed of him and Amy at a hospital, delivering a healthy baby. The smile on Grady’s face was so radiant, she jerked awake with a gasp.
The first traces of light were starting to enter the room through the shades, so she crawled out of bed, feeling drained and sore. She took a shower, dressed and left the bedroom before Grady woke.
He joined her just as she poured milk over her cereal. Unable to look at him, she merely put the carton in the fridge and moved silently to the table. As she seated herself, she watched him out of the corner of her eye. He went to the back door, disappeared outside for a few seconds before returning with a newspaper.
She munched noisily, staring straight ahead as he fixed his own bowl of cereal and finally seated himself across from her.
Unable to take it anymore, she muttered, “I’m messing up, aren’t I?”
In the middle of unrolling the paper, Grady snapped his head up. “What?”
“Are we fighting?”
He blinked. “Uh…” he stalled, looking confused. “What makes you think we’re fighting?”
“Well, when you walked in here this morning, I noticed your hair was kind of messed up and I thought it looked really sexy. So, naturally, I thought about what it’d feel like to run my fingers through it and then, wham, this totally erotic fantasy popped into my head of me crawling into your lap, right there where you’re sitting at the table and riding you like there was no tomorrow. But I held myself back because I thought...well, you’re mad at me for not calling you yesterday. You probably don’t want me anywhere near you.”
He straightened. “I’m not mad at you.”
“You’re not?”
He shook his head.
She scowled. “So, why didn’t you touch me last night?”
He laughed. “I don’t know.” He ran his hands through his hair, making it look even sexier. “I guess I thought you were mad at me.”
“Why would I be mad at you?” she demanded to know. That kind of thinking was just...stupid.
He shrugged.
“I’m not mad,” she said. “And I still want to ride you like there’s no tomorrow.”
He was already dropping his newspaper and scooting back his chair. “Then what’re you still doing over there?”
B.J. laughed. Popping to her feet before he could change his mind and realize he really was mad at her, she rushed around the table and straddled his hips just as he unzipped his fly.
“Hurry,” he growled, his eyes already unfocused and glassy.
B.J. kissed him hard and ground her middle against him, making him groan and sink his teeth into her bottom lip.
“I’m not kidding,” he added. “Hurry. I need you. Now.”
As he skimmed his hands up her torso and rid her of her shirt, she slipped off her panties. He reached for her hips and jerked her down. When she sheathed him with her heat, they both caught their breaths. To keep them from tipping over backward in the chair, he braced his legs wider, which spread her thighs in the process, leaving her open and vulnerable. The resulting effect caused her to clench around him.
His already glazed eyes dilated. Grabbing her hair with both hands, he yanked so hard tears of pain clogged her lashes.
“God. Oh, God,” he rasped and jerked up into her, nearly bucking her off his lap. Squeezing her hips more securely around him, she stared into his eyes and came just when she felt him shudder.
He buried his face in her shoulder, and she wrapped her arms around him, kissing his temple.
“I think I like starting the day this way,” he murmured.
B.J. threw back her head and laughed. But her chuckle died when he lifted his face and she caught his frown. He reached for her cheek and touched a tear at the corner of her eye with his index finger.
“I hurt you?”
Realizing he was worried, not angry, she let out a relieved breath and rolled her eyes. “God, Slim. Don’t you remember trying to yank me bald? You damn near pulled my hair out by the roots.”
“I did?” Eyes wide with concern and alarm, he reached for her scalp and eased his finger gently over her still aching noggin. “God, B.J., I’m sorry. I didn’t realize—”
“Oh, can it, Rawlings. I loved every second. Sometimes, nothing hits the spot like a full dose of rowdy sex.” To prove her point, she purred like a contented cat and stretched out her arms above her head. “Man, I feel great.”
But when she glanced over her shoulder at the tabletop, she frowned. “Oh, damn. My breakfast went soggy.”
Grady burst out laughing.
B.J. whirled around and gaped at him, a little shocked to hear him laugh so openly. She’d seen him smile and even chuckle in the past few weeks, but...she hadn’t seen him really let go like this. Watching him laugh now caused something inside her to spark. And she fell in love...completely, hopelessly, irreversibly in love with her husband.