Ivy's POV
I could hear him gently close the door behind him after he stepped into our room. The air was thick with my distressed pheromones and I felt him pause when it hit him at full force.
His own pheromones soured which I think is probably because of guilt. Something that's only happening because I heard something he didn't mean for me to hear. I knew it was weighing down his heart, making his wolf restless. I could already hear the apologies and explanations he was holding on the tip of his tongue.
I sat there motionless, leaning on the headboard of our bed, and silently stared out of the window as I gave him no mind. Cassian hesitantly walked closer. I could tell he was having an inner battle with his wolf from how the intensity of his pheromones fluctuated rapidly. His wolf was itching to be near me and scent me. I would've felt the same if my wolf had been present. At that moment, I was glad she wasn't present.
"Have you eaten anything?" He asked softly, breaking my chain of thoughts. He spoke so cautiously like his one wrong move could hurt me. That idea made me want to laugh out loud. I don't think he could hurt me any more than what he had already done.
"No," I answered curtly, my voice almost coming out robotic.
"Oh, I'll go get–"
"No,"
"You need to–"
"Cassian, no." This time I looked at him as I answered, gaze piercing and glaring that it made him stop and stare at me. "We need to talk," There was finality in my words. I'm not here to simply talk but to demand things and I think he understood that too.
Cassian studied my form as he stepped closer. I knew it unsettled him when he couldn't find the timid, playful, annoyed, or frustrated personas he usually saw in me. My face gave away nothing this time. I'm too tired to hope that he could see how I'm feeling. There's no hope in that. All this time I cried and begged him to give me a chance only for him to cast me aside like I meant nothing. I'm not going to do that anymore. I have my walls up high now. So high that he will never be able to break it down.
"I'm here," he said, standing closer to me.
I stared down at my feet for a few moments as my fingers dug into the mattress. My whole body tensed and my scent spiked with a sour tint, distressed pheromones pouring into the air and making Cassian squirm.
He instantly sweetened his scent to calm me but it didn't work. It only made me more annoyed.
"I want to ask you one thing, Cassian." I gulped. Even though my veins were buzzing with the adrenaline from my anger, I was still dreading the answer he would give me. But I have to know. I have to know today. "I want you to answer truthfully."
Cassian looked down before he talked. "Okay,"
"Do you…" I took a moment to take in a shaky breath. "Do you regret it?"
Cassian's eyes moved like a knife as he looked at me, gaze piercing into my very soul when he heard my question. "What?" He asked dumbly as if he hadn't heard me the first time when I know for a fact he did. Loud and clear.
His face flicked with so many emotions in a single minute and I couldn't figure out which one he was feeling. Surprise? Anger? Frustration? Guilt? Or sadness? I couldn't put a finger on it.
"Do you regret marking me?" My question obviously caught him off guard and he stepped forward, eager to defend himself to me.
"Ivy, what are you saying? You know I don't," he frowned, trying to keep his wolf under control.
"Do I? I don't know, Cassian. I know nothing about you. All this time I've been trying to get close to you but you've never seen me as nothing more than a stranger. From the moment you saw me, you've always looked at me as an outsider. I thought that would change once I found we were mates but it only made you hate me more." I stood up, the anger getting into my head.
"You kept reminding me all day and night that I would never be able to take your previous mate's place. I don't want to! Okay?! When did I ever try to replace her? I've always been respectful of her and never questioned your love for her. I've always tried my best to understand your point of view, Cassian. I know you loved her and you still love her but I'm your mate too! What about me?! Who's there to understand me? Who's there to comfort me?! I'm always second to you! Second mate
…second priority…second thing to worry about. Always second!" I panted, fury leaking into my voice like venom. My words shot to kill and for the first time, I was happy to see the pained look on my mate's face.
Cassian let out a low growl, his fists clenching and unclenching as he took deep breaths to calm himself. He must be feeling conflicted. This might be the first time an omega spoke like this against him but he knew deep down he deserved it. I could see it from the way he couldn't keep eye contact with me even for a minute. The guilt is eating him up slowly. I hope one day it devours him whole and leaves him begging for help.
"My last hope was mating you…" I said, my voice sounding broken even though I wished to appear strong. My fingers lightly caressed the mark on my neck, a wave of sadness drowning me when I thought about how happy I was to get marked. "I thought maybe you would…you would understand me….feel me…even just a little bit." I exhaled deeply in defeat.
"Ivy…" Cassian whispered, voice cautious and hesitant. "I…I'm sorry." He breathed out before inhaling deeply. "I admit I was wrong to never think about how you would feel. I was afraid…I didn't mean to hurt you."
"You didn't mean to?" I scoffed. "So what were all those things you did and said to me? Did you not see me as a person who had feelings, Cassian? Did you think of me as a mindless feral animal that you had to keep away no matter what, huh?"
"No, no that's not what I mean." Cassian defended eagerly. "Avery is precious to me. I didn't want to–"
"So what am I? What am I to you, Cassian?" I asked, stepping forward to stare into his eyes.
My mate stared at me with wide eyes, not knowing how to answer. "Answer me. What am I to you?"
Cassian sighed. "My mate."
"No, I'm not talking about this stupid bond." I spat. "Tell me how you feel about me. How you see me without the bond. What am I to you?"
I watched his eyes like a hawk. He frowned and then gulped. "You're…" he started and I waited patiently for him to continue. "You're a…" He avoided meeting my eyes.
The hesitation and dragged-out reply were enough to answer my question. "I'm a rogue, right?" I huffed.
"No, Ivy, I–"
"Stop it." I turned my face away from him. "You have caused enough damage. Every day I think you cannot hurt me anymore than this and you always prove me wrong. I'm so sick of it…. I truly am. I don't know what to do, Cassian… You had your chance. You had your chance to have a mate, love her, and be loved by her. I don't have that. I don't know if I could ever experience that…." I sighed, sitting back down on the bed.
"I'm just a girl, Cassian," I breathed out. "I have my own little dreams too. I don't deserve this much hate! I've never done anything for anyone to hate me like this!"
"Ivy, I'm sorry," Cassian whispered, stepping forward and sitting down beside me. "I never hated you. Trust me. I was…I was scared. I was not ready for another relationship. Not when the wounds from losing my first mate are still fresh. I didn't know what to do so I did the only thing I could think of. And that was denial. I was in denial the whole time because every time I felt any kind of interest towards you, I felt like I was cheating on Avery. I couldn't carry that guilt. I felt terrible." He breathed out, raking a hand through his hair as he looked down at his feet in shame.
"I didn't mean to hurt you like that but after I marked you, I was weighed down by this terrible feeling of guilt. I couldn't think straight until I apologized to Avery. I apologize for my actions. All this time I was selfish. I admit that I now realize I never put much thought into how you'd feel. I will try to fix things. I promise. Can you….can you please give me a chance?" He looked at me expectantly and that was the first time I've ever seen that type of emotion on his face.
I could feel his gaze burn into the side of my face even after I looked away. I almost wanted to laugh out loud. He's asking me for a chance now when I was the one begging at his feet a few days ago. How ironic. "You couldn't bear the guilt of feeling like you've cheated on your dead mate so you chose to hurt your present mate who's alive and breathing? Right." I scoffed, causing Cassian to close his eyes and look down in shame. "Because who cares what I feel, right? I'm a rogue. Someone who deserves no respect or affection. Isn't that right?"
"Ivy…don't say that…"
"I don't know if I have it in me to forgive you, Cassian. It's good that you now realize that you fucked up and it's good that you now want to try to build this relationship but you made me go through hell and back to get here. Now, I don't even know if I want to be mated to you," I said, causing Cassian to flinch and then tense beside me. I saw his fingernails dig into the mattress as he gave me his undivided attention.
"Now I'm wondering what would've happened if I was mated to a guy who had me as his first mate. Maybe I would've been appreciated more and treasured more…"
Cassian gulped before opening his mouth to say something but then he stopped and decided against it. He looked down in defeat with a sigh.
"It's hard to be with you, Cassian. You've pushed my wolf into hiding," My words caused him to look up and stare at me, eyes wide with a look of horror.
"What?" He asked, tone hard and serious.
"I cannot feel it. She was gone the moment we heard you apologize for marking us. Maybe it was too hard for her to handle but after that, I couldn't feel her. No one is here to guide me through this. I just feel empty now." I stared out the window. I could no longer feel the usual instinctual force of my wolf wanting me to be close to my mate. I could no longer feel the immense need to be scented by our alpha.
Cassian was squirming, on the verge of losing control. His scent spiked in worry and I knew it was his wolf looking for a sign of mine but I couldn't give anything back. "This can't be happening…" He whispered and for the first time, I heard his voice tremble.
"It feels like the bond is no longer there, Cassian."