I covered my mouth after Randall came out. I kept my sobs from escaping because I didn’t want him to hear me — hear me, that I was hurt. When I saw his back walk away from me, I didn’t know how to feel. I ask myself:
“Did I do the right thing?”
“Can I do it?”
“How is he?”
Even though my heart was stony because of what he did, I still felt like I couldn’t live without him. I wanted to pull him back and hug him. When my hand could no longer be restrained, I burst into tears. It was fucking hurt. Could I just go to sleep and after I wake up everything will be fine? Could it be just one day of pain or just one cry after that the agony of the heart will disappear? I didn’t know how I was going to get up because I had lost my baby; I had finally let go of Randall. Where did I take the first step? When I step over and fall, would he run towards me again?
In the middle of my crying, Ava suddenly entered. The way she looked was so pitiful. I just cried harder. She hugged me and stroked my back. Because of what she did, I somehow lost my anger. I remembered her now. She was my friend. She was the one who never left me.
“I remember now. I don’t know if I remember everything, but ... ” I couldn’t finish what I was going to say when Alex came in. He was carrying food. An apple.
I took a deep breath to stop crying. I was reminded of my child every time I saw the apple. I always ate apples when I was pregnant with her/him. What would he/she look like in case I gave birth to her/him? The broken glasses in my throat clogged. I averted my gaze from him. I remembered them all. Even the mysterious Alex to me then suddenly became like an open book to me now. He wasn’t just Randall’s friend. I didn’t know how all the events came together.
I let them all out first and told Alex to stay. They immediately followed what I said. Turstin was supporting Ava. I didn’t know if their relationship was good; it looked like progress was being made, only Ava didn’t want to open up to Turstin. It was funny that they started in that part. Not like me.
When the two of them exited, I gave Alex my whole attention. With his hands crossed in his arms, he was now resting against the wall. He was waiting for me to say something, and I had no idea this guy had become half of my life—was. I never considered him to be one of the people who shaped my personality at the time.
Would everything be good if he was the one I promised while I was in a church? Would our wedding be the same as Randall’s and my wedding? I cringed because, as much as I would like to resurrect the past Winter, I believed she had long ago vanished. Otherwise, I believed the old Winter would never go back. Because Randall made a new Winter.
“Sorry.”
It was like a whisper in the air, but since we were in the same room, it was very audible. My heart ached. Not because I was hurting myself. I was in pain for Alex. I didn’t know what pain he went through as he saw or found out I was walking to church while his friend was waiting in the end. As he looked at me — I was his girlfriend, a lover. But I married another man.
Tears welled up in my eyes. I think I was shedding too many tears today; it looked like I needed a lot of water. I didn’t wipe my wet cheek. I let heavy tears fall to feel the resentment the world has given me.
“It’s not your fault. It’s all my fault for not protecting you. I should be with you when you are facing problems, but I'm not there for you. I don’t understand you.”
I shook. “No. It’s all my fault because I can’t fight you against my parents.”
I met Alex when we were in HighSchool. He was one of the smartest in our class, so many admired him, especially during ICT class. He was good at computers. I didn’t have a complete memory of how we became lovers, but it was clear to me the day I answered him.
March 16, ****.
That was the day I gave him my ‘yes’ and that was also the day Randall and I got married, just for different years. I didn’t know if I was the one who was cruel to him or destiny. I didn’t know why instead of feeling the pain, I felt more that I didn't regret it. No regret or remorse was fighting in my mind. My heart and mind seemed to say that I was happy that Randall had become my husband. I wasn't glad I carried his last name. My memory was not complete but I knew, I felt, the heart did not lie. Randall had been a part of my past and my present. I knew he had things he wanted to say, but he couldn’t say. I know Randall was the key and answer to everything.
Just the case; I didn’t know what he was afraid of. That was what I wanted to know then because it was vague now. On the other hand, I still liked to think this was a great opportunity to take care of the company. I would ask Alex for help with what was going on with the phone number of who was threatening me. I would also make sure that the company would fall on me and not just lightly on the greedy in power.
Alex and I never finished talking because nothing would happen. We would just blame ourselves. And that was what I didn’t want. We would only live in the past.
Maybe I would just reopen the topic when I was ready to understand. I thought that the drugs that were injected into my brain still affected the way I think. They all said goodbye. Until I was the only one left. I pushed away from Randall earlier, so I was sure I didn't have a guard now.
When I finished eating, I turned off the light to rest. I didn’t want to think about what happened because I would only go crazy if I continued that. It was because of the medicine that I fell asleep quickly.
I just woke up when someone entered my room. When I was about to look at it, the pillow pressed against my face so hard that I could not breathe.
Who was this person again?