Marianna
The day drags on with a rotation of visitors, nurses, healers. Unsurprisingly, student witches from the healing academy who were practically foaming at the mouth to get a glimpse of the first person to be cursed with dark magic and survive longer than a day in… a very long time.
I sit through it all. Sometimes my mom pesters me with questions about how I’m feeling, if I’m ready to eat, if I want to go back to sleep. Other times I’m with Skye, who seems to be suddenly in bloom around several other magical, powerful people she doesn’t yet know are family.
But Blake hasn’t come. I’ve barely heard his name spoken. I assume he’s away in Maatua or Crescent Falls, whatever Maeve said his plan was.
I try not to feel disappointed he didn’t even say goodbye.
In the late evening, I’m deemed recovered enough to be moved upstairs to the beautiful, luxurious guest suite where Mom and Skye have been staying. Minerva administers my nightly dose of a very potent healing draft. Then she gives me a rather thorough exam before finally deciding I’m not likely to die in my sleep tonight and leaving. By then, the sun has long set, and in the late hours of the night, even the mating festival has died down, the party moving down to the lakeshore instead of right outside the castle walls.
I can’t sleep. I figure that’s all I’ve been doing for four days, so no wonder.
Dressed in a fresh nightgown and a thin satin robe, I slip out of the bedroom on legs that wobble but otherwise keep me upright. I have zero appetite as it stands. The thought of food hasn’t once crossed my mind, so I’ve been surviving on tea heavily dosed with sugar and milk. Somehow, my withered body is able to maneuver through the suite, past the room where Skye is fast asleep in a bed ten times her size, and past a second bedroom where my mom is completely passed out on top of the covers like she simply fell into bed and descended into a stupor before her head hit the pillow.
The suite itself isn’t very large. There’s one bathroom, which is roomy and clean. I walk in, and one look in the mirror makes my stomach curl. I bunch my hair into a bun at the nape of my neck and brush my teeth, my hands trembling with the action, and begin the trek back to bed.
But I make a wrong turn, I think, because the next door I open leads into a wide, dim, cavernous hallway that marks the exit to the suite.
I should go back to bed. That’s what Alpha Kenna and Minerva would tell me to do, right? could take the opportunity to explore….
I step into the hallway barefoot, my steps silent on the soft, crimson carpet runners covering marble tiles that shine in the moonlight drifting through glossy stained class windows. A staircase appears. I take it down to a second level balcony that overlooks that grand foyer, but the castle is cloaked in a sleepy darkness that feels peaceful to my addled mind.
I turn to the left, exploring while my legs still have some strength, and follow the soft glow of a light cascading across another stretch of carpet. There, I reach a set of short stairs that spiral to the first floor, where a massive set of doors stretches to the ceiling, slightly ajar.
I can’t stop now. I have to use this burst of energy, don’t I? I slip through the crack in the doors and cover my mouth with my hand to stifle a gasp as the library erupts all around me. Seven levels and… millions of books fade into moonlight dripping down from the domed, glass ceiling high above my head.
The heavy doors close behind me with a push, sending a snap echoing high into the shadowed recesses of the upper floors, where balconies overlook a half dozen wooden tables. Books lay scattered there, and, to my shock, a man sits near a dormant fireplace. It only takes a second to recognize him.
Blake looks up from several stacks of books spread out before him, many of them open and lying at odd angles. His eyes light from within as he peers through the darkness at me.
His chair screeches, cutting through the silence like a knife.
He rounds the table in a rush, knocking over several books in his wake. The sound of the heavy books hitting the ground thunders through the space between us, covering his footsteps as he careens in my direction, his eyes wild but his face set in grim determination. “You shouldn’t be down here. You shouldn’t be out of bed–”
“I’ve been in bed for almost five days.”
“You need to rest, Anna, for fuck’s sake. Who let you come down here?” He reaches me, bracing a hand against the door at my back, panting like he’s out of breath as he scans my face. I’ve never seen him look so… desperate before. He’s totally undone as he inspects me for damage maybe I hadn’t seen in the mirror before coming down here.
Something heavy shifts in my chest. My heart beats out of rhythm, thumping hard as he caresses my cheek, then calms as I lean into the warmth of his large, calloused hand and close my eyes for just a moment.
“Where have you been?” I ask, my voice just above a whisper, and open my eyes to look into his, into the power still shining there.
His lips part as he searches my gaze. “I–I couldn’t–I’ve been–” He exhales shallowly, his jaw flexing, and then that weight in my chest… snaps.
His mouth tilts over mine, but our lips don’t brush. His breath tickles my skin when he inhales. My name is a whisper that leaves his lips in a strained exhale, like he’s doing everything in his power not to kiss me.
He leans his forehead against mine and presses a kiss to the corner of my mouth instead, which I chase, but he pulls away.
Frustration bubbles up in my system. He pushes off the door and tucks his hands in his pockets. I notice the headphones strung around his neck then, the soft stream of unfamiliar music drifting between us.
“I assumed you were in Crescent Falls. That’s what Maeve told me.”
He takes another step away like he can’t stand to be in my bubble any longer, which is… crushing, to say the least. He always holds me at arm’s length, even when it feels like the only thing that will make me feel even remotely better would be to just… touch him.
“I was planning on leaving in the morning. I took my grandmother back to Maatua a few hours ago. I didn’t–” He grits his teeth, taking another calculated step backward. “I didn’t feel comfortable being gone longer than a few hours given the circumstances.”
“So sorry to be a burden–”
“You are not a burden, Marianna. You are the mother of my child–”
“Is that all?” I shouldn’t have said it. I realize that the moment the words leave my lips. Goddess, the regrets I have. They shine like never before now, like scrubbing Dean’s mark from my body was the only thing standing in the way of the feelings I’ve been trying to hide for almost a decade.
Blake won’t ever feel the same way. He won’t let himself, for whatever stupid, infuriating reason.
I need to accept that.
He stares at me for several seconds before replying, “You know that’s not the case. You mean more to me than anyone ever has, and that hasn’t, and won’t, change.”
He looks so tired. Soul-draining grief etches his normally steely expression.
“Thank you for… for keeping Skye busy while I recovered–”
“I saw everything he ever did to you,” he says, like he’s not able to stop himself. He flinches, gritting his teeth, and begins to turn away but suddenly decides against it and holds out a hand. I bristle when a thick, angry laugh escapes him. “Gods, if Skye hadn’t killed him, I would have. I would have loved to take him apart piece by piece, slowly–”
“Why? Why bother?” My throat feels tight against the words as I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter at all to you. We’re just–we just exist on the same plane, Blake. Our only connection is our child–”
“You should have come to me when he started hurting you. The moment you felt unsafe, you should have told me–”
“And what would you have done? Saved me?”
“Yes!”
“Then what, Blake? Disappeared? Shoved me away again–”
He takes a step toward me in disbelief. “You were the one who pushed me away, Marianna.”
“You broke up with me!”
“I had to! I scared you to death. You screamed when you saw my powers for the first time, and I can’t get that scream out of my fucking head. I was just a kid, too. My powers were nothing compared to what they are now. I could twist your brain to my liking or erase any memory of me, of us. I could hurt you, and you wouldn’t even know it was happening. I’m like him, but worse because I’m a monster, Marianna, and you only saw a glimpse of it that night. My powers were—”
“You are not even remotely like him. How could you even say something like that? You never put a hand on me–”
“I have spent seven years in hell to keep you safe. To try to make your life easy and normal,” he continues, his fury snapping around the room like a million rubber bands. “And I failed to do the one thing I swore I’d do. I didn’t keep you safe from him. I thought you were safe with him. It killed me knowing you’d found someone else, that you married someone else. It ruined me knowing you’d found your mate, Marianna, and now… knowing the truth of it? Knowing that I could have just looked and seen–” He turns from me, dragging a hand down his face.
“You hide yourself. You’ve always been ashamed of what you are.”
“You don’t know the half of it–”
“You should have trusted this with me. Your powers. Who you really are. I was–I loved you.” My voice shatters around the damning words. They leave my tongue in a hushed whisper that still somehow booms through the library like a death knell. “You used to be kind, shy, and funny. Blake, you used to sit on that dusty old couch with me for hours talking about books, music, and the video games you loved. You should have told me why you had trouble making friends, why you needed those headphones, why you could lose yourself for hours in a game yet could barely stand more than ten seconds of conversation–”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything.”
“I would have been more prepared when I saw it for the first time.”
“It wouldn’t have.” He turns back to me, his face set in grim determination.
“I loved you. I still love you. That hasn’t changed.”
“Don’t say that to me,” he says darkly, his eyes losing some of their luster.
“And Skye thinks you’re the greatest thing since the–the invention of rocks.” I choke on a laugh, my words blurred by sudden tears. “Your family loves you but doesn’t understand because you’ve never let them. You’ve never let me!”
“I couldn’t–”
“You can–”
“I know when you die, Marianna. I’ve seen it written in the stars. I saw it the night I ruined everything we had because I was selfish and wanted to know if the girl I loved more than life itself was my mate. Instead, I saw I lost you so young, before your life even had a chance to begin.” He takes another heated step in my direction. “I saw your death, and I scared you. The only thing I knew how to do was shut down and push you away, so I did. But then you were pregnant and terrified, and I did that to you, too. I put you in that position. Even if you’d wanted me back at that point, I wouldn’t have let it happen. I needed you to stay far, far away from me–”
“If any of that is true, then why waste what time we did have?” I shout. “I almost died a few days ago, didn’t I? I should have. That’s what everyone keeps saying. That’s what you saw, isn’t it? Now look at me, Blake. I’m still here. I’m not leaving this time. Skye needs you. I fucking need you.” Tears stream down my cheeks. “I need you. I need–”
His body crashes into mine, his lips tilting over my mouth as he gives himself one single second to hesitate, to think his actions through.
I don’t let him pull away. I grip his shirt and pull him closer, and he leans down, chasing my mouth as I look up at him, and kiss him… softly. A light peck.
He braces his hands against the door over my head and growls as he reigns himself back in, turning back into the Ice Lord I know so well. It’s a tiny win, but a win nonetheless.
Blake will never be happy until he lets go of the restraints keeping him chained, and that includes acting on his feelings for me, damning whatever consequences he thinks they have.
He shoves away from the door, clenching his jaw, and says, “If you’re fit to travel tomorrow morning, you and Skye are going to Crescent Falls with me. I’m abdicating, officially, and my parents need to know why.”
I press my fingers to my lips and watch Blake do his best not to unravel. For whatever reason, his utter inability to regain his bearings after the simplest kiss feels… pretty damn good.