*Isla*
Maddox is looking at me like he’s afraid I’ve lost my mind. His eyebrows are nearly touching, he’s so concerned, and he’s keeping his distance. I imagine him bolting out the door and not stopping until he reaches at least the same point in the woods where he intercepted me a few days ago.
I want to ask him why he’s looking at me like that, but I suppose I already know, at least to a degree. He thinks I’m crazy for naming the baby after him. He thinks I’ve grown too attached.
And he’s right. I have, but he doesn’t understand the situation. At least, I don’t think he has. I doubt anyone has told him exactly what happened, but even if Mystica or someone did explain it to him, he can’t possibly understand the connection I have to this child.
“Maddy?” he finally says, a lilt in his voice that shows me he’s either frightened or overly concerned.
I nod. “Her mom wanted her to be named Isla, but I didn’t think that was a good idea.” It was something Sydney had mentioned when she was in the middle of labor, that if she had a girl, she wanted her named for me, and if she had a boy, she wanted to name her son after the king.
Maddox is towering over me, and it makes me uncomfortable. I gesture to another chair across the room from me, and he lets out a sigh as he crosses to where it sits, running a hand through his hair. He doesn’t just sit, though. He drags it closer to us and then sits.
I look down at Maddy. She’s asleep. Her tiny mouth is pursed, and she looks like she’s either preparing to wake up and scream or getting ready to blow a kiss. It makes me giggle, even though my heart is heavy because Sydney never got to see her face, and this child will never know either of her parents.
The king clears his throat, and I return my attention to him. The look on his face tells me he is trying to choose his words carefully. He is leaning forward in the chair, his elbows propped on his knees, and he is alternating his glances between the baby and me.
When he begins to speak, I recognize the tone. He is addressing me like I am fragile, sort of like he did when I had almost died.
“Isla,” he begins. “She’s a lovely baby. I’m glad she made it. Mystica told me it was… touch and go for a bit. You were kind and brave to stay in there with Sydney when you didn’t really even know her, and wanting to help this little one speaks to your good heart.”
My eyes are glued on his face right now, and even though he’s not all that much older than me, only nine years, he sounds like he is my father telling me that I can’t do something I’ve always wanted to do.
“But… you can’t keep her.”
I don’t say anything, only continue to look at him, attempting to process what he’s said to me.
“The baby,” Maddox continues. “I’m not sure what your plans were, sweetheart, but you know that you can’t keep the baby, right?”
I hear his words, and they are registering in my brain, but I still can’t speak.
Mostly because I don’t know what to say.
It’s not that I disagree with him. I know that it’s not a good idea for me to try and keep Maddy and raise her as my own. After all, I’ve never had a baby before, and I’m not the best choice of mother for her. I remember Mystica’s nurses mentioning families that would take her in, but after Mystica mentioned that she thought I had saved the baby–with my tears–she’d implied she thought perhaps the Moon Goddess thought that Maddy was meant to be with me.
I had internalized that at some point. I had made the leap from this child needs a family to I love her to I will wrap her in my arms and never let her go.
But now, sitting here, staring at the serious expression on the man I love’s face, I realize he is right.
I don’t know anything about taking care of a baby, and ever since I became the breeder to the Alpha King, I’ve imagined the two of us raising our own baby, together.
Yet, he is right. I’m not ready to take care of Maddy… and I’m not ready to take care of our baby either. How am I supposed to be a breeder when I would make such a terrible mother?
It’s not like I’ve never had any experience with babies because I helped my mom with my brothers, especially my younger ones. But she did all of the hard stuff. All I did was bring her their diapers or pick up their toys.
No, Maddox is right. I can’t do this.
“Isla?” he says, and his concerned expression looks even more profound. “What is the matter?”
Shaking my head, I say, “You’re right. I can’t keep her. I’m not fit to be a mother.” I glance down at the sweet child in my arms and wonder how I haven't managed to lose her or drop her on her head in just the short amount of time I’ve been holding her. I am incapable of feeding her, and even though I heard Mystica say she would find a wet nurse, that's not the same as me actually being able to provide what this child needs like a real mom.
“No, sweetheart,” he says, reaching forward to put his hands on my arms on either side of Maddy. “That’s not what I was saying. I know you’ll be a great mother! I have no doubt in my mind that when you and I have a baby, you will be a terrific mother.”
I stare at him, looking into his eyes to see if he is telling the truth. He seems to really believe that.
Now, I am questioning Maddox’s sanity.
“But that’s just it,” he continues, letting go of me and leaning back in his chair as he drags a hand down his chin. “You and I are going to have a baby. Hopefully very soon, and when we do… you’ll need to give all of your attention to our baby.”
What he is saying makes perfect sense, but now that my moments of panic have subsided, I have to wonder, what will become of this sweet girl? And why can’t I take care of her while I am pregnant? And after that, she’ll be at least nine months old, probably older, so why can’t I just have help? The father of my baby will be the king, after all….
But I can see in his eyes that he doesn’t want to raise this baby. He doesn’t want her here. And I wonder if it’s because of the deal that Alpha, the one Maddox killed, this baby’s father, had tried to bargain with him about this very child.
It’s not fair of me to ask him to do something like that, especially not when I know that he will find her a good home with a family that loves her.
I take a deep breath and realize my bottom lip is quivering. “Can we make sure that whoever raises her loves her? And appreciates her?”
“Of course,” he says. He leans forward, and he’s touching me again, this time on the leg, and it helps. “You can help, if you’d like. I don’t want to put it all on you, but you can certainly help. If you want to.” Tears begin to cloud my vision. “Do you want to help find her parents?”
I nod, trying to will myself not to cry. “Yes,” is all I can manage.
“Good,” he says. “It’s usually a job of the Luna to help find orphaned children a new home. Rebecca was very good at that.”
The way he says the words is confusing to me. It’s almost like he’s trying to say that it would be good for me to help find Maddy a new home because that’s a job of the Luna–as if I might need to worry about the job of a Luna.
I don’t know why he’d be saying that. He’s already told everyone that he’s never taking another wife, never finding another Luna.
But earlier, when we were talking about our baby, he made it clear he intended for me to care for the child. Unlike most breeders who just deliver the baby and go back to wherever they came from or go off to the next man who needs an heir but can’t have one with his mate for some reason….
I don’t ask Maddox why he said that, but I can see on his face that he is asking himself the same question.
Sniffling a few times, I take a deep breath and try to let it go. I don’t want him to think I’m dwelling on it. I never thought he would make me his Luna, and I’m not going to imply that I think that now.
I’ve never wanted to be a Luna, and I'm pretty sure I still don’t want to because it seems like the sort of job a person has to have broad shoulders to carry, and most of the time I don't.
No, I don’t think I want to be a Luan.
But… I do want to be Maddox’s wife….
And if being the latter means being the former, then I’ll have to be both.
Maddox leans forward and brushes a stray tear off of my cheek, smiling at me. “I care about you very much, Isla,” he says, and I know that he does.
I also think that means he loves me, but he’s too afraid to tell me.
“I love you,” I say, and his smile widens.
With Maddy between us, he finds my lips. It’s a sweet, gentle kiss, and it makes warmth spread through my chest.
As he pulls away, there’s a light knock on the door. He doesn’t take his eyes off of me as he calls for the person to come in.
She catches my attention though. A petite woman with dark black hair pulled up in a bun who is probably in her mid-thirties walks in. “Pardon me, Sir,” she says with her eyes on the floor. “Mystica sent me for the little one to see if she wants to eat.”
“Yes, of course, Blanca.” He stands and moves his chair back to where it came from as she approaches me, and I ascertain she’s the wet nurse. It astounds me how he knows everyone’s name.
I stand and stare at Maddy for a moment. I don’t want to let her go, but I understand it’s best for everyone if I do. I can’t help but think that Mystica is right, though, that we have a connection that will come back to us eventually, no matter what.
Besides, she’s not going anywhere just yet. I can see her later.
I lean down and kiss her head, and she grunts in her sleep.
Not knowing what to say, I hand her to the wet nurse who smiles and nods at me, and then I move aside, my arms feeling cold and empty.
Then, Maddox takes my hand to lead me out the door, and the coldness isn’t so noticeable anymore.