Sam wanted to feel reassured by Ryan's words, but deep down, she was shaken back into rude reality.
I've been deluding myself all this while, and it's time to face the truth.
It had been so easy to fall for the idea of mingling work and pleasure that she had ignored everything she knew about the dangers of sex in the workplace and all she stood to lose.
Her career, her reputation.
The scene in Bradford's office had brought back all that in startling clarity.
What if Bradford decides to investigate further and finds out the truth? A chill ran over her skin, causing goosebumps as she considered the consequences.
Her work and commendations about the Projects department and Ryan in particular would be called into question. She'd be accused of working under the influence of a romantic attachment and discredited.
At best, even if she somehow managed to keep her job, her reputation would be in bits. At worst…
She was off the sofa in a shot and resumed her frantic pacing, mind going into overdrive. Her temples throbbed with each step
"Sam - "
"We have to stop."
She turned to Ryan, decision made. He looked startled, grey eyes snapping up to meet hers.
The silence hummed between them for a long moment.
Then he sighed and stood, turning away to cross over to the window, hands thrust in his pockets, tension oozing from every pore.
She waited for him to say something, but he stood silent, gazing absently at the skyline.
"We can't keep sneaking around like this." She said, more to break the lingering silence than a need for further explanation. "If Bradford should ever find out the truth, I could lose my job."
He slammed a hand on the glass and swore, a muscle working in his jaw. "That's not going to happen. I won't let it happen."
"Ryan, I can't take that risk." She forced down a bubble of hysteria and swallowed. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. My...my career means a lot to me and...I can't."
The anger seemed to flow out of him.
"I know," he agreed in a quiet tone. He turned his head to look at her, pained certainty in his expression. "Believe me, Sam, I know just how much of a fucking mess this could turn out to be. I wish we didn't have to come to this point, but…"
Warm, large hands cupped her face, gently lifting her gaze to his. There was such a wealth of tenderness in his eyes that she longed to sink into him, wrap herself in it, and let the present float away like a bad dream.
"I don't want to let you go, Sam." He rasped, "These past few weeks with you have been amazing and fuck knows how hard it's going to be without you."
The admission rocked through Sam, bringing equal parts joy and misery. It was exhilarating to know he felt the exact same way she did.
Not for the first time, longing blazed through her body; how she wished they'd met under different circumstances, that being with him didn't threaten her job and career, that they could just have a relationship without the need to sneak around.
But wishes rarely became reality. And she had to let go of fantasies that would only cause more harm than good.
Still, it was so hard to accept cold facts when every nerve was hyper from his touch, the feel of his hands, the soft look he was giving her, the sweet words…
Shaking her head, she took two large steps back, suddenly needing to put distance between them so she could think.
"We agreed on no complications, and nothing that would jeopardize our jobs, Ryan," she took a deep breath to steady her nerves. "And this is as complicated and dangerous as it gets. I will not let casual sex get in the way of my career."
He stilled, eyes narrowed to slits. "Casual sex? Is that all it's been to you?"
No! Her mind screamed. She wanted to tell him how much she craved him, how being with him had finally pushed away the shadows of the past, how his touch was food to her soul.
How in love she was with him.
"That's what we agreed on, wasn't it? I mean, yeah, the sex was great and all..." The words tore a hole in her heart, but she soldiered on, knowing what she needed to do. "But it's not worth the risk."
"And nothing's changed for you ever since?" He asked, his tone strangely calm. "Cmon Sam, don't do this."
Blood roared in her ears and she swallowed, fighting to keep calm. "Do what?"
"Force an argument." He shook his head and thrust his hands in his pockets. "There's no need to resort to that. I understand your need to save your job and believe me Sam, I'm the last person who'd insist on carrying on an affair that's bound to cause trouble for you."
He gave her a rueful smile and shrugged. "So, yeah. If you want us to stop seeing each other, that's fine, I get it. We're both adults and know when to draw the line."
"I'm sorry." She whispered the words, shame washing over her. Unable to meet his eyes, she bent her head, focusing instead on the pattern of the carpet.
The tips of his shoes filled her vision and moments later, he lifted her chin. "Look at me, Princess."
She flushed, his touch igniting already unstable emotions and forced her gaze to his.
His lips captured hers in a poignant kiss and for one sweet eternity, she forgot everything and kissed him back.
Desperately.
It was over far too quickly.
He lifted his head and she whimpered in protest, opening eyes she didn't remember shutting, loosening the grip on the lapels of his jacket that she didn't recall grasping.
He let her go and stepped away, turning to head out the door, leaving her standing in a daze.
At the door, he paused. "I'll be leaving for Maui on Monday." He said, his tone brisk.
"You're leaving so soon?" Monday was only five days away. With a jolt, she realized what that meant and she sank down on the sofa, limbs suddenly weak.
"Yeah. I spoke with Caine and he wants me down there as soon as possible. I'd have gone over the weekend, but I have something to take care of first."
A grim look crossed his face and he shook his head, as though to clear an unpleasant thought.
"Oh," she tamped down disappointment and nodded. "That's fine."