KISS:
The groom kisses the bride at the end of the wedding ceremony to
seal their union.
Astrid.
“I want you to stay here while I’m gone.”His words echoed in my head over and over. Tears were rolling down my cheeks.
Okay, Astrid. Better cry now than later.Better here than in front of him.
I couldn’t show him how affected I was. No matter how much I beg, it’s not helping him. I didn’t give up on him yet. But I knew that putting pressure on him would only make him run away more.
He did tell me that he was always cautious about girls. Now, he doesn’t know me. So I fall into the general category of women who just might like Ryder Van Woodsen for money and not for who he is inside.
Quite ironic, actually. He accuses me of the very things that kept me from taking a chance on him. He worked so hard to turn me around. I broke my own rules, and here I am now. Accused of being a gold-digging slut by the man I trusted not to hurt me.
I guess not giving up sometimes means you only need to wait. I decided not to pressure Ryder anymore. I couldn’t break my heart over and over again because I knew it wasn’t going to work. He could wake up or change his opinion of me. And right now, he was not even close to doing either.
I planned to prove to him that I was not the woman he thought I was. As a start, I would have his check on hand. Adam wired the money I needed to my account. It would be a tough following months. But at least now I could say that I fully own ‘Ever After’, my baby, my company.
I told Adam that I would not invoke the severance clause in my contract with Ryder. I would not take a dime from Ryder Van Woodsen. That is exactly what he expected of me, and I was going to prove him wrong.
But the changes meant I would have to transfer to a smaller place to save on rent. It also meant I would have to work double time, lose a couple hours of sleep and multi-task, as I couldn’t afford to hire extra hands just yet.
I can do this. I’m a rock.
It took me a while to notice that the cab had stopped in front of Ryder’s house already. I paid the driver and then stepped out.
I took a couple of short breaths and then I rang the bell.
He opened the door. The familiarity of the house and the person in front of me made me want to break down and cry. It reminded me of the things that I used to have and the dreams that came shattering to the ground. Never mind the house. But the man in front of me… he was the one thing I wasn’t ready to let go of.
He looked the same. God, he even smelled the same! But he was not the same man who rescued me months ago. He was not my knight in shining armor.
Before he left he told me that he wanted me to stay in his apartment. He asked me to take his car. It was his way of protecting me even though he wasn’t physically with me.
I slept in his house for months. Every day hoping, always praying that one day, he would walk into that door and pull me into his arms, and tell me that everything was back to the way it was. That he remembers me. And that he loves me the same way.
But now, he was back in Malibu. The first thing he did was pull the plug on the business. And now, he was kicking me out of his apartment. Well, I didn’t officially live here. But the man I loved told me I should stay until he comes back for me.
But I guess… he’s never coming back.
“Come in,” Ryder said politely.
I just nodded and stepped inside the house.
“Can I offer you something to drink?” he asked me.
I looked into his eyes, trying to assess whether he meant it. He was usually rude and brutal towards me. I didn’t understand why he was making an effort to be nice to me now. Unless the drink he was offering me was poisoned. But even if it was, what had I got to lose, right?
“Okay,” I replied curtly.
He opened his fridge. He stared at it for a while, obviously still lost and my heart just broke for him. If only, he would allow me to help him find his way back…
“Second shelf. Watermelon Vodka,” I said quietly. I still stocked his fridge up until last week. He told me once that it was one of the sweetest things anyone has done for him.
He took the vodka out of the fridge and rummaged through his drawer to look for a bottle opener.
“First drawer, left side,” I murmured.
He smiled when he found it. “You seem to know your way around the house,” he said.
I stared at him, trying to decipher if that comment was a trap that would be followed by another insult if I fell for it.
But I was surprised to see that he had a twinkle in his eye. For the first time in months, I saw an improvement in him. Before, he looked like a walking time bomb ready to explode anytime, bottling up his anger and his confusion. His pride prevented him from admitting that he felt lost, confused, and not in control.
“Well, I lived here for a while,” I murmured.
He stepped closer to me. My heart pounded in my chest. He stood so close we were almost touching. He looked down at me, searching my face. I looked away, blushing, then I stepped back, putting some distance between us.
When I looked at him again, he was biting his lip, doubtless he was trying his best not to laugh or even smile.
He handed me my bottle. “Would you like to join me on the deck?”
“Seriously?” I asked him. “Whatever happened to ‘never gonna be ready to see me?’”
He shrugged. “Maybe, I’m just bored.”
I shook my head. “No, Ryder. You’re never just bored.” Everything you do has a purpose.But I didn’t say that aloud. I sighed. “Are you going to turn off the asshole mode?”
“Asshole mode?” he echoed, blinking back at me. Then he laughed. I knew that laugh was real. He stared at me and saw that I wasn’t laughing at all. “Seriously?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Alright,” he said, raising his right hand, swearing like a boy scout. “Asshole mode—off.”
He led me to his deck. For a while, we sat in silence, just listening to the sound of the waves, staring at the tower lights in the distance.
Then he asked, “How long ago did we meet?”
I sighed. This was difficult. These beautiful memories killed me as I recalled them. But if this was a way for Ryder to remember me in his life, then I could endure the pain.
“About eleven months before… before your accident,” I replied.
“And we only got together officially a couple of days before I got hit?”
I nodded.
“What were we in between?”
I smiled bitterly. “We were… friends, Ryder,” I said. “And you were one of the best.” I couldn’t disguise the tears in my voice.
He fell quiet after that.
Then he asked, “Why did it take so long for us to be… together?”
“Me,” I replied. “I wasn’t ready. I was broken. You fixed me. And then… I found out who you were.”
“What do you mean?”
I sighed. “When I met you, you pretended to be a bartender. We hit it off immediately. You agreed to help pose as my boyfriend at my ex-fiancé’s wedding. You covered up all the broken holes in me. You saved my face and my pride in front of my family.
“I made you a promise that I would be better, that I would believe in fairy tale romances again. I would fix myself. And I would find you when I was ready. I was excited to look for you again, actually. But I found out that you were not just a mere bartender. You lied to me. I found out who you really were. And I didn’t want you anymore.”
“Why?”
I sighed. “Because… I’ve never been interested in rich jocks in my life. Even when I was younger, I wasn’t looking for some dreamboat who was out of my league. I wanted someone who I could be secure with… somebody who wouldn’t look down at me, somebody who would believe in me.” I stared at him and added, “I didn’t want anybody to accuse me that I was in it for the money. You… did all you could to change my mind.”
He stared back at me. I saw an emotion crossing his face. Guilt? Shame? I didn’t know. He took a gulp of his beer and turned away from me. He fell silent for a while. I didn’t know if he remembered a thing and if I was making sense to him.
I took out the check from my wallet and handed it to him. He stared at the figure in his hand.
“I am not going to ask you to pay me two years of my salary. I will always owe you for helping me get up on my feet and start this dream.” I reached out for his hand and squeezed it.
He closed his eyes for a moment. Then he stared at me. His eyes were wildly confused. His face was filled with a dark emotion I could not decipher. Immediately, I took my hand away, afraid that I would trigger something in him that would further ruin the stained image of me in his head.
“Astrid… I’m…” he started then he trailed off. He took a deep breath. “What happens to you now? What will happen to the company?”
I looked at the watchtower from the distance. “I will still run it. I have to make a few adjustments. But I know I can do it. This is what I do best,” I replied. “I cannot shut down. I’ve gotten this far. There are couples out there depending on me to make their ‘ever afters’ come true. I won’t let them down.”
There was silence again. I missed Ryder and me. We were two people who wouldn’t run out of things to talk about. But I guess, it wasn’t time yet. I had to tread carefully. Walking time bomb, remember?
I finally looked at my watch. “I better go,” I said. “It’s getting late.”
In truth, I just want to get away from Ryder now. It was so difficult for me to be in the same room and not touch him. It was difficult for me to see him look at me and not remember me at all.
I took my bottle inside to throw it in the bin, leaving Ryder on the deck. I paused for a moment and composed myself. I let some of the tears fall. It was difficult to hold it in. It was difficult to reminisce my wonderful memories of Ryder, knowing that he didn’t remember any of it at all.
When I faced him again, I would have to say goodbye. And who knows how long this goodbye would last? I may never set foot in this house again. This house that held too many memories between Ryder and me.
I told myself that I would not give up on him. But it didn’t mean that I would go around town chasing him. It would only push him away. He didn’t need that now. He needed time to heal from this.
I leaned on the counter and took short breaths, trying my damn best not to break down. But it was just too hard. So I let the tears fall, silently. I didn’t whimper. I don’t want to make a sound and let Ryder hear it.
Then I wiped my tears with a tissue. Trying so hard to compose myself before I bid my goodbye to him.
When I turned around, I found myself face to face with Ryder. He had been just behind me all the time, standing a few feet away. He’d been watching me cry.
He looked down at me, his eyes searching mine. I am sure he saw the tears I was trying so hard to conceal. His expression softened. And then I saw a flicker of another emotion on his face. An expression dark and yet familiar…
“Damn it!” I heard him curse and without warning, he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me to his chest and then he leaned down, crushing his lips to mine.