I mean, he thinks he finally found the evidence he needed to pin my mother’s murder on your dad. Sure, why not? I'll just hammer the final nail into the coffin and completely ruin everybody's life. One confession and I’ll destroy her relationship with her father, my relationship with mine, and any hope of a future with Gianni. I bite my tongue. I don't know how much longer I will be able to keep all of this to myself. The truth is eating me up inside.
“Between you and me, he's been drinking.” Her face crumbles a little like she's genuinely sorry to hear it. I know it's disloyal to him, but it's better for her to take his attitude as some kind of drunken rage than to know the truth. If she ever thought Gianni did what Dad swears he did, it would break her heart. She's already been through too much. Plus, she already has one parent who has done nothing but disappoint, neglect, and hurt her. I can't take away the one good parent she has left.
“Ugh. How long has it been going on?”
“I have no idea, and of course, there's no point in asking him for the truth. He'll only deny it and say it’s not a problem.”
“I'm so sorry. But you know...” I can tell she's trying to be kind, like a true friend, choosing her words carefully. “Even you realize you can't actually help him, right? You can encourage and cheer him on. However, you can't stay here forever to watch over him. I know you want to help him, but you can’t make him see things for what they are.”
“I never said I was trying to make him see things.”
“You don't have to.” She smirks the way a friend does when they’ve known you most of your life. “That's just how you are. Kind and sweet. You want to help however you can, but you can't give up your life to do it.”
“That really isn't what this is about. I wouldn't even be here in the first place if it wasn't for...” It's not fear of Dad overhearing us that quiets me. I can't bring myself to say it out loud. The wounds of the truth are still fresh. “The way he lied to me. I deserved the truth. At the very least, he owed me that. He should’ve let me make my own decision on whether or not I wanted to be the other woman. Instead, I was taken by surprise and had to sit there on the bed while she called me a slut. It was humiliating, among other things.”
“Do you want me to kill her for you?”
The question takes me by surprise, and a bubble of laughter escapes me. Tatiana laughs with me, and the tension in the room evaporates by the time we’re both wiping tears from our cheeks and catching our breath.
“You’re crazy,” I gasp, and all she does is shrug like it's nothing new.
“Seriously, though. She’s such a bitch. I'm sorry you’ve had the pleasure of meeting her.”
“It's not your fault. You didn't make her the way she is.”
“I wish I had been there. There are so many things I want to say to her.” Her jaw tightens, and something tells me her anger isn’t only for my sake. She’s got more than enough reasons to tell her mother off.
“It's for the best that you weren't,” I murmur, shuddering at the humiliating memory. How ugly it was, how nasty Amalia sounded. Gianni wasn't much better, even if he had every right. “I've never seen people talk to each other the way they do. It was bad enough without me being part of the reason they were fighting.”
“Yeah, it’s different since your parents actually loved each other.”
Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts so much. She's right. Mom and Dad did love each other. Even when I'd catch them arguing, they were always at least civil. No screaming or name-calling. Looking at Tatiana now, I see so much of Gianni in her. Could he? Does he have it in him to put a bullet in an innocent woman's head, to protect himself?
“Did you know they weren't officially divorced yet?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I swear to God, I figured it was finalized ages ago.” Then she snickers, rolling her eyes. “Big surprise, Dad kept yet another secret from me. I'm so shocked because, you know, that’s so unlike him.”
I can't muster up a laugh this time, because I know all about secrets. I'm keeping about a million of them myself. “I'm surprised your mom didn't say anything to you about it.”
Her jaw tightens again. “What? Talk to me? Why would she do that?”
I figured she might do it to get between you and your dad. I don't have the heart to say that out loud, even if it's what I’m thinking and even if I have no doubt Amalia would stoop that low. Even before her little performance back at Gianni’s, I didn't exactly have a high opinion of her. Watching my best friend get disappointed time and time again by her thoughtless mom left me with a bad taste in my mouth a long time ago. I shouldn’t have been surprised by how determined she was to make everybody miserable.
“Listen to me.” The way she grips my hands, it's like she wants to break my fingers. “It's really good that you’re here right now. In fact, it’s probably the best place for you.”
Instantly, ugly thoughts start to race through my head. “What's wrong? Is he okay? Did something bad happen?”
“No, he's fine. I mean, he's a miserable wreck and keeps asking if I can get a hold of you because he's crawling out of his skin without you, but otherwise, he's fine. I'm more worried about her and you.”
He did accuse her of knowing Luciano, didn't he? I didn't have much time to think about it then—many other things were going on—but that's something I've pondered while trying and failing to fall asleep. Was she the reason Luciano went crazy?
“She will literally do anything to get what she wants,” Tatiana continues in a hushed voice. “I could kick myself for thinking she ever finalized the divorce. She knows that once it's over, it's over for good. She won't be able to get any more money out of him. Therefore she's doing everything she can to make him miserable and force his hand. As far as she's concerned, he is ruining her life. To get even, she's going to ruin his.”
It’s a dumpster fire—the whole thing.
“Do you think I'm in danger because of her?” I can't believe I'm even saying this. I can't believe Gianni wouldn't stop to think about what Amalia is capable of. He's so concerned with my safety, protecting me, all that. Why didn't he bother to consider her being a threat?
Especially if he suspected she got to Luciano. It's like every time I turn around, there's another reminder of how he’s no good for me. Even if, in my heart, all I want is to go back to him. I miss him with every part of me, every fiber of my soul. Being separated leaves me aching and weak.
Tatiana takes way too long to respond. “I wish I could say no and be certain, but right now, I think it’s best to lay low. And just know that he really, truly is determined to get her out of his life for good.”
“Oh, really?” Pardon me if I have a hard time buying that.
“Right now, they're at a meeting with the lawyers. Both of them. He’s dead set on putting this behind him so he can be with you.”
I wish my heart didn't swell when she said that. I wish I didn't feel so happy. I want so much for it to be true—my entire life has become about him and us.
Something inside me aches when another thought hits me. “Are you sure that isn't what he told you to say? Is that why you're here? Did he ask you to come see me because he knows I won't see him?”
Her head snaps back, and right away, I regret asking. “How could you even think that?”
“I didn't mean it… like that.”
“Too bad, that's exactly how it came off.” She drops my hands. “No, he didn't tell me to come and say that. He knows better, for one thing. I wouldn’t do it anyway, not even if he begged. I waited until he was gone to come here. I don’t want him to know since all he'll do is jump on me when I get home and ask me a million questions. I figured you wanted your privacy, and when you were ready, you’d talk to him.”
“I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me,” I beg. “Please. You're all I have. I can't lose you.”
“I'm not mad.” She sighs and her shoulders sink. “You're kind of all I have, too. I can't afford to lose you.”
“You'll always have me. Even if I've run off for a few days, it's not because of you. I'm really sorry,” I add when the pain on her face intensifies. “You don't deserve to be in the middle of this.”
“Yeah, well, you happen to be two people I love, even if you both make me want to scream sometimes.” She grins, and I know she doesn't mean it. Not completely. “Are you sure you're okay here? I'm serious. If he's unstable...”
“Everything is fine.” Now I wish I hadn't said anything, but I needed an excuse for his behavior. Men and their bad behavior. I'm so tired of having to make up for it. “I’m more worried about him becoming his own worst enemy.”
“I absolutely can’t relate to having a dad like that,” she deadpans.
We share another laugh, but this time it’s tinged with sadness. “And you’re sure you’re okay?” I have to ask. “Are you… taking care of yourself?”
She lifts her chin, defiant. Typical Tatiana. “It takes more than some egotistical asshole to break me. I wouldn’t ever dream of giving him that kind of power.”
I wish I could believe her.
I wish I could believe Gianni is innocent.
I wish things weren’t so broken, and my heart didn’t beat for a man I never should've been involved with. I know the truth can set us all free. However, lies are easier to tell. It’s not the freedom we seek but the protection our lies offer us. I have to stop hiding behind them. I have to break free, even if I know it’s going to hurt.